Weathering the "aftermath” of the self commissioned video footage of David Hasselhoff drunk on the floor of his own bathroom trying to eat a hamburger, the Hoff works the angle for all it’s worth by saying,

“I just wish I’d used a knife and fork to eat that fucking burger.”

Yeah, you say that now, Hoff, but when you were sitting there on the floor on your bathroom, drunk and so desperate for attention that you’d actually get your own kid to film you on the verge of a galactic, Malibu and coke scented Technicolor yawn –at this point a knife and fork would have taken away from the drama of it all.

Lazily shoveling food into his drunken face with half assed pleas from his kid to stop drinking seemed to do the trick when a salivating Entertainment Tonight took it, plastered their logo all over the footage a safe and convenient three months after it was shot. Incidentally, what was the footage doing for three months? Maturing in a cave?

Three month later, the Hoff can prove he’s rehabilitated (at least for the time being) and NOW he can make hilarious, light hearted one-liners about the knife and fork. In fact, making light of the fundamentally horrifying footage is phase two. Phase one – get kid to film self drunk and being a dumb ass drunk jerk. Phase two – get over alcoholism for the time being, release footage to media and make light hearted fun of self while media covers the story. Which then leads on to the anticipated Phase three: get critical acclaim as actor from work offered due to coverage on ET.

It’s a shoe-in. Now, we’re just waiting for Phase Three to kick in. Any minute now…

[source]

Avril Lavigne is whining about Britney Spears again because, well, for starters Avril Lavigne’s entire public persona is based on whining, but apart from that, right now everything has been thrown out of whack for the corporately constructed anti-Spears because through her public breakdown, Britney seems to be racking up more “authentically fucked up” points than Lavigne ever had.


And let’s face it, without a squeaky clean nemesis to bicker about and define herself in relation to the Lav-ster basically ceases to exist. Oh, what a shame. So, quickly coming up with a new angle after her rancid, contrived, heavily styled album came out, Av wants to do a film. She could never do a Britney Spears deal like “Crossroads” or whatever the fuck saccharine shit flick Mandy Moore did though. She’s far to edgy® for that.


No, she couldn’t make it look like she was just multi-tasking. It would have be a gritty, envelope pushing vehicle through which she could be pouty, anti-establishment and stay up past 10pm and where she could fail to understand irony and no one would punish her. She suggests something like “Girl, Interrupted” but really, what she wants is a film where she gets to hang out with a gang of ex-Abercrombie and Fitch boys who all wear torn up jeans and eyeliner now because they were made to clean their rooms and they’re just fed up with being pushed around by their parents. They travel around in a combi van solving mysteries and they get into karate fights. Avril would sometimes actually do the stunts for real. But only when her husband was being a dick and she really felt the rage.

Oh God…that’s right, she’s actually married. Ok, I need to stop. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



Brochures that guide Catholic pilgrims to the Fatima shrine in Portugal for some quality soul washing (a Catholic shrine commemorating the first time the Virgin Mary appeared to some shepherds in the hills of Portugal) are currently peppered with ads for hookers and aphrodisiacs and the resulting kerfuffle is the stuff quality HBO dramas are often built on. The thing is, when you strip away the emotional reaction the “saddened” shrine people are having it’s probably some stellar work on behalf of the advertising guru who booked those ads. If you’re a sex worker or you’re selling some chopped liver that is supposed to pep up libidos your best bet are Catholics that have just traveled all the way to a holy shrine. They’ve probably just confessed, done their token penance, the guilt’s been washed away and now they have a clean slate upon which to rack up some really good solid iniquities. Which ones? Well, when you’re on holidays paying for sex doesn’t count so…[source]




So, topping the list of inane purchases, well, actually still second to the time that woman in Hong Kong who shelled out 20 million bucks for an antique tea cup a fascinatingly bored kadrillionaire from the UAE just quelled the soulless boredom and paid $6.8 million for a license plate that has one number on it. The number 5. Oh, ok. No problem. If it had been 4 then no way. But 5? Definitely worth it, there’s no doubt about that. Actually, seems like it was a real steal. Now, how about you pay a half a million bucks for a good hard kick in neck. [source]




German national soccer team captain Michael Ballack and Bayern Munich goalkeeper Oliver Kahn are each getting 50,000 Euros after a company marketed dildos using their names without their permission. So, basically, the sex toys – which the polite Bloomberg people won’t describe but we can only assume were dildos supposedly taken from a cast of the two players – were named the Michael B and the Oli K which is just similar enough to resemble the players’ actual names and probably sold well and truly beyond the 100K payout. What straight male soccer fan from Europe wouldn't secretly buy a product meant to be the exact phallic likeness of a macho hero? That's right, only some of them, meaning that essentially everyone wins in sex toy based identity theft. [source]

Page Six reveals that, surprise surprise, there was fighting tension backstage between Linda Evans and Joan Collins in the play "Legends" - recently playing to ironic acclaim in LA.


Gosh, couldn’t see that coming.


With Joan Collins, it seems like a formula. Well, two. It seems to start out with an actual earnest attempt at dramatic creativity then, minutes after she’s on stage or in front of the camera, the same earth shattering memory jolt – the one that kicks her in the face and reminds her again why she’s never done any critically acclaimed work.

“That’s right!” her brain recalls with a certain kind of relief. “This is always so embarassing and difficult because there's no talent inside this body! Oh, that’s right…we knew it had to be something big. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget about what you’re capable of when you spend so much time having your skull lifted, stapled, vacuumed, twisted, taped and painted! Ok, so what now?”

And it’s at this point, with nowhere to turn to avoid the crippling horror of who she is, the gorgon within emerges, enraged. In short: the unpleasantness unfolds.

Then, she lets out her true self. Namely, a bitter, angry, maddeningly narcissistic, demanding, needy freak-diva who just cannot accept the fact that she’s not a sex bomb any more and will hammer her own skull and the skull of any one near her to rid herself of the rapidly approaching, unavoidable age that is showing on her temples and in her neck flab. And so she acts out and pushes another diva into a pool or throws a vase.

Paradoxically, because it’s a gesture that comes from somewhere real – ie. her own terror at looking at herself, it resonates as authentic so people respond. Well, acidic, bitchy queens and bored, frosting fat housewives certainly do – that’s for sure. [source]

Candy Spelling is firing off open letters to people who look like they’re in trouble – first there was that hair advice to Larry Birkhead and now it’s Paris Hilton. Is she bored? Vying for an advice column or reality show of her own perhaps? Maybe after the birth of her grandson, that maternal sense that’s kicked in again after it was dislodged during a routine eye lift and then more or less shut down during the will fights with Tori.

Whatever it is - all of a sudden, Candy seems to have a certain sense of purpose that massive amounts of money and public feuding with her daughter couldn’t quite provide and it’s all happening via the press of course.

Here’s the letter:

Dear Paris,

As someone who has known you for most of your life, I pay special attention to your press coverage.

(Apparently, I'm not alone, based on the responses every word about you creates on TMZ.com and elsewhere.)

Paris, I'm very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, "I don't read," to your new lawyer's tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility. In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in jail?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you.

People who are rich and famous are not treated like "regular" people, even though you claim to now be just like everyone else. In most situations, your privileged life works to your benefit. You have opportunities, access and resources like few others; and frankly, you can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could even imagine.

However, as the real possibility of jail approaches -- whether it's 21 days or 45 or whatever the latest report is -- it's time to get real. It's time to find "a Paris" somewhere between "heiress" and a character on "The Simple Life." I know she's there, and I know she can be a good citizen and maturely face consequences other people would have to face under the same circumstances.

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.

Best,


Candy Spelling


Look, advice aside; the thing is, while both probably are from the same circles in LA and Candy probably could fill in a few of the gaping voids in Paris’ brain left by Kathy and Rick Hilton, what appears to bond them on a really basic level is that when deciding to have eye work done they both clearly opted for the same cut price, back room in Chinatown, Parkinson’s stricken plastic surgeon/amateur sushi chef. Look at these two photos! Both look like they've injected speed into one side of their heads. Either that or they both just love the early work of Stanley Kubrick. [source]

Week #19 in Review

While the president was busy making it look like he was uncomfortable in white tie at a White House dinner for Queen Elizabeth II, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in the clink and she blamed her publicist, Elliot Mintz, for not explaining to her that she wasn’t allowed to drive while her license was suspended. As soon as her sentence was announced, friends of Paris started petitions to present to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on the grounds that because Paris is popular, she should be spared jail.

Lindsay Lohan was photographed doing cocaine in the bathroom of a club and the News of the World published the images along with a transcript of what she was talking about; namely how she was going to go to New York to hook up with Jude Law. Lohan’s mother, the self defined “White Oprah” more or less leveraged her daughter’s notoriety to get a gig reporting for Entertainment Tonight from the red carpet of the opening night of her daughter’s new film, Georgia Rule.

Shocking the hell out of the world again, Pete Doherty made headlines again for being arrested on suspicion of possessing class A drugs and Brad Pitt announced that for his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, he would be employing the services of an ass double so he doesn’t have to reveal his own ass. P!nk, it was revealed, was asked to change the lyrics to one of her songs in order to be included in the American Idol charity show and refused so she performed a different song on a different date, Prince announced that he will be performing several concerts in London and once they are done he will take time out to read the Bible and, it’s more than likely, to figure out how much money he’s made from releasing a fragrance called 3121, after his 2006 album and heterosexual music producer David Gest announced that he would like to lick the space in between Amy Winehouse’s teeth because he loves her.

A total of 110 new bus drivers were hired in Milan and of those 110, a total of zero had bus driving licenses, a German man was found in his apartment having been dead for a total of 7 years before anyone noticed and Benedictine monks were gearing up to sell jams and preserves with cheeky titles like “Pear and Apple Angelic Jam” and “Zesty Lemon Unfaithful Jam”.

South Korea ceases all local government awards given to the government employees who manage to drink a lot, a German man killed his own father with a knife and then picked up a chainsaw and sawed his own head off and the Sudanese man who got drunk and had sex with a goat one night and was then forced to marry it breathed a sigh of relief as Rose, his goat wife, died.

Israeli drivers were revealed to be more callous than perhaps previously thought when a motorcyclist lay dying on the side of the road and cars repeatedly drove by ignoring him, Cocaine Energy drink was banned by the FDA after a year of being on the shelves because calling a product “Cocaine” is illegal unless it is cocaine in which case it’s illegal as well but for different reasons and a British man who was told he would soon die of pancreatic cancer went out and spent all his money and was then told he was more than likely not going to die and so he sued the hospital who mis-informed him.

The Japanese scrapped a health information campaign that extolled the virtues of breast feeding and enforcing parental control over what children watch on TV because it was considered “too intrusive”, police in Port Moresby found themselves in a gunfight with a human flesh eating tribal cult, hospitals in Milan removed crucifixes from their walls in an attempt to make non-Catholic patients feel more comfortable causing a backlash from right wing politicians and Spanish police stopped a tetraplegic man who was driving his wheelchair on the highway controlling the device with his chin and when they questioned him they found out he had gotten lost on his way to a brothel.

British manufacturers of the sex toy called the Love Egg had to alter the disclaimer on the device’s box when it was discovered that the remote control element of the device used the same radio frequency as the military in Cyprus. Instead of just a simple description of the device, the box now says:

“Deceptively powerful matt silver love egg. Not for use in Cyprus.”

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



A poor old, dead, rotting German man was finally found dead in bed after seven years of being dead. And rotting. Apart from what this indicates about the crippling loneliness that must have plagued him while alive coupled with the screaming silence that is German society’s indifference to him specifically, perhaps everyone should look on the bright side rather than endlessly look for ways to say mean, dark things. He’s probably more sexually popular now than ever before. [source]




A remote control sex toy that has come out of the UK cannot be used in Cyprus because the exact radio frequency it uses is the same as the military there. Meanwhile, the great thing about this is that the manufacturer simply put a warning on the box: Deceptively powerful matt silver love egg. Not for use in Cyprus. So, sadly, if you need a matte finish love egg in Cyprus this ISN’T the one you should buy. For everyone else, thank goodness for disclaimers. Still, it’s a real dream come true for anyone with a sexual fetish for S and M on a global scale. Get off in the supply cupboard safe in the knowledge that not only could you be caught but that while you’re doing it the entire nation could be attacked with no defense. [source]



A campaign in Japan that extolled the virtues of breast feeding and singing lullabies to newborn children has been scrapped because those two things are considered “beyond intrusive”. The campaign was to include introducing the idea of taking control over the amount of TV kids watch and what they watch as well. It really depends on what lullabies are being sung though. Because if you opt to don a Brunhilde helmet and blast arias from the Ring Cycle at full volume towards sleepy children it might be just what they need to get to sleep so really, what we learn here is it’s really a case by case thing. [source]




Not a LOT of prior planning or, indeed, rational thought went into a robbery that occurred at about 4am in Inwood, West Virginia. When a man wearing blue women’s panties on his head, brandishing a small cigarette lighter in the shape of a gun (just to back up his insistence of being the one in charge at the moment of robbery) walked into a convenience store and demanded money – he wasn’t taken seriously. It’s truly astounding that that could BE the case but it really is in fact true. You know, maybe the robbery was more about mis-directed sexual fetishism than money. Maybe he just wanted people to get to know the real him. Namely: a man interested in wearing women’s underwear on his head with a penchant for tiny, novelty lighters. We can all relate to that right? [source]

F-list L.A. fuckwad pseudo PR professional and celebrity hanger on Spencer Pratt has jumped on the save Paris Hilton bandwagon. Through his very own myspace profile of course. Must route all press to self. Could a desperate ploy for attention be any more cripplingly obvious that a spot light grabbing innocuous, sympathetic take on Paris Hilton’s jail sentence?

So far we’ve only seen idiot fans and half conscious contemporaries of Paris head up petitions to get her out of jail – after all she’s the popular girl at school so her tagalongs are also her mignons. The only time actual celebrities have responded or taken a position on the Hilton jail term is when someone like Mary Hart forcibly exhumes a response from them while at an unrelated event and they’ve got a camera in their face. Or some b-list wannabe from Dancing with the Stars slurs a resentful diatribe at a TMZ camera man as they stumble out of a club at 3am. Pratt seems to be one of the, if not THE first person to actually independently champion the cause and it’s so obviously about advancing his media clout. And that makes him an official god damned fuckwad. Pratt was quoted as saying (and we’ll break it up for dissection as we go):

"I've always thought (oh, come now…this is actually the first time you’ve technically “thought” isn’t it?) that the punishment should fit the crime (ah yes, and you came to that understanding from your years of relentless analysis of how judges parcel out punishment, haven’t you?) Paris has changed her image dramatically over the last couple years (how? She’s still a chronically entitled, narcissistic, spoilt, party girl whose entire appeal stems from her unapologetic indifference to responsibility). Now she is such a good role model and a smart businesswoman. (oh, wait, you’re absolutely right. NOW she is. And you’ve really presented a well considered case explaining why) So it's a shame that a miscommunication between her and her people is landing her in jail. (well, it’s a shame but it’s also entirely reasonable considering that her life is in fact, staff aside, HER life) She should get probation with community service, (yeah, you’re right…again, we can only assume your understanding of the legal system stems from the relentless analysis of it mentioned before so a suggested sentence from you is as good as legal advice) but no way should she be put in jail with real criminals. (And a real criminal would be what, Pratt? Someone who takes something they’re not really entitled to? Like the spotlight for example?)"

JESUS – get some talent and then DO something with it, Pratt. This statement of intent is remarkably similar in tone and approach to the way George W Bush seems to respond to the Alberto Gonzales hearing. After relentless bipartisan bludgeoning of Gonzales at the hearings, the president merely offers up a bland, unaffected (by obvious fact, apparently) statements of support that offer up no evidence of actual involvement in the situation itself.

But maybe getting some talent is far beyond what Pratt is capable of. After all, you just know someone’s bound to be a really down to earth, centered, calm and honest human when their resume is chock full of blurred, mindless and indifferent fluctuation between crap seemingly scripted reality shows that follow self obsessed LA fuckwits around as they obsess over themselves and stints as a PR type manager, publicist who merely brokers the media clout in return for free drinks and a seat in a VIP booth. Because that’s all it’s about at the end of it, free drinks and no waiting in line. It's an easy line but seriously; Pratt by name Pratt by nature. [source] [source]

Apart from anything else, can we just look at the fact that Prince is 48 years old and he still looks about 20? Ok, that’s done.

Regardless of his apparent muse-like transcendence of age, he’s still got to keep it hot, keep it happening. Marking a distinct departure from the recent outbreak of celebrities who enter rehab to gain what appears to be a basic combination of street cred and public forgiveness and obviously publicity, Prince may well be joining the ranks of such publicity seeking celebrity pioneers as the contemporary owner of “death” Anna Nicole Smith, by stating that along with playing 21 concerts in London and releasing a fragrance in July with the same name as his album last year (just to keep the old 3121 ball rolling) he will then take time off to study the Bible.

He’s releasing an album-themed fragrance and then taking time out of touring to study the Bible. Even though Prince has been a Jehovah's Witness for a while this isn’t a weird-assed Stephen Baldwin, Kirk Cameron “I’m a Christian now so don’t think about my ass” move. He’s not being an evanglical freak Christian. Just gonna read the Bible.

Cue: Midwest America to jump on the Prince bandwagon and do anything he says.

So, once you’re done affordably seeing him in concert, you too can adopt the Prince lifestyle by sitting down with a copy of his CD, adorning yourself with a few quirts of 3121 and reading the Bible. Rock concert, CD, perfume, Bible. It’s a totally bizarre progression that reads like the premise for a sitcom. [source] [source]

The extravagantly beautiful and heterosexual David Gest is a heterosexual man. It’s just as we all knew and never doubted. In line with that heterosexuality, he’s at it again with those vastly necessary graphic descriptions of his heterosexual fantasies; this time with Amy Winehouse. He’s been quoted as saying:

"I would kiss the mole on Amy Winehouse's face and every tattoo on her body and I'd stick my tongue in the gap where her tooth is missing. I love her."

A while back, after interest in the shocking wedding photos had dissipated just minutes before the actual marriage to Liza did, just as we, the public, were perhaps forgetting that he was heterosexual as he paraded about with his gayer than hell earrings and oddly wax like face, he blessed us all with a little tale of what he’d get up to with Liza. Sexually. Just in case you forgot, here’s what he said:

"Donald Trump said to me that night I have never seen a kiss like that in my life. I was so excited and so in love that when I took my tongue it looked like I was eating a part of her because I went all the way through her mouth. It looked like I was a shark going in and I took every part of her mouth out with my tongue. And it was like a nine-minute kiss. When I saw it three months later when we were in bed I took the covers over me. I was going: 'Oh my God, Liza!'"

We can only assume they cut out the end of that quote where he went on to say,

“…my HAIR! God, I think I need an eye lift….tell me the truth…do I still look cute?”


Rest assured Mr Gest. not only is there no doubt whatsoever about your heterosexuality there’s also no doubt that if anyone wants to really focus on becoming a successful bulimic all they need do is eat a hearty lunch and ask you about your physical infatuations with women. Because he’s bound to have so… many being such a heterosexual. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



Just like a good old fashioned bout of imperialism from the end of the 18th Century, Papua New Guinean police found themselves in a gun and…well, spear or arrow or catapult that propels poisoned shrunken heads - fight with a local tribal cult that practices human sacrifice. Apparently, police were ambushed and the cult members went on a killing and burning rampaged. This news is of course tragic but what the article also mentions is that in Papua New Guinea, women are often killed as witches and that kind of terror based patriarchal sadism is always intriguing. Who knew they still literally happened. Obviously, witch hunts still happen in essence everywhere but literally? There’s nothing like a good witch hunt to keep the kids under control. [source]





- Running on the from the witch hunt reference in Papua New Guinea, a hospital in Milan has taken down all its crucifixes to establish a more secular ambiance, particularly for people who aren’t actually Catholic that come in for treatment. Obviously, catholics think this indicates a complete demonic possession of the health care system in Milan and are crying tears of blood and of course the media are generally saying it’s to appease the religious bullies of the schoolyard - Muslems. We haven’t had a good hard core religious tension argument in a while so it’s nice to see one back. [source]






Ok so there’s so little of this story out of Spain that hinders it from being the perfect dinner party anecdote, it’s almost criminal. Spanish police stopped a tetraplegic man in a wheelchair, obviously, who was riding along the highway. He was driving by steering with his chin. It wasn’t like Stephen Hawkings, this man drove with his chin. But it’s not one of those “Oh, look at the crazy wheelchair bound guy driving along the highway stories.” No, it’s not just that. The guy had driven several miles and had gotten lost on his way to a brothel. He was nowhere near a brothel when found on the highway so there’s no essential reason why the brothel part of the story needed to be told and then reported in the international media but it nevertheless was and as such, it’s almost entirely perfect. He had to get to that brothel no matter what.[source]

In a lot of ways, P!nk is a less crap, slightly less needy and only sometimes humourless version of Arvil Lavigne. Both seemed to emerge as the anti-Spears to make money of teenaged girls who like pop but are angry at their parents and therefore couldn't like Britney, Jessica Simpson or Haley Duff.

Consequently, just as it’s difficult to actually take it seriously when Avril Lavigne mouths off about how she beat up some dumb ass guy who just wanted to make out and then not sit with her at lunch in high school(you can’t censor her!), it’s sort of difficult to believe that Pink’s recent outrage at American Idol for wanting to censor her is anything more than a condition on her rider. For some reason this next bit reads better if you sound like a Sybil from Fawlty Towers.

Ok, Pink will need three bottles of Poland Springs water, some gummi bears, a box of Fruity Pebbles cereal, some Flintstones band-aids (Bam Bam and Pebbles on them please!) 6 different metallic pink Sally Hanson nailpolishes, three different shades of pink lipgloss, and a glitter pen.

Also, Pink requires a little public fight at the beginning with corporate styled producers of American Idol who should insist that she change her performance because they want to protect the audience from her confronting song lyrics. The fight should last no more than a day, in this case may I suggest that we let it be known that she was too edgy for the charity show but that she’s agreed to sing a different song for the next episode before we proceed as planned with the song test audiences indicated they liked best from the research we did last week before we let them go free. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd


Whoever wrote the article here about Benedictine monks who are out to open up a franchise selling the jam like what you’d buy a fete or whatever, but with hilariously churchy names just honestly went overboard and need a good slap. Chain of Hellishly Good Food shops?! Because, they’re monks! Hilarious! Monks probably aren’t going to hell because of their crippling adherence to the Catholic faith so putting the word “Hellish” in there is quite cheeky, isn’t it? “Pear and apple "angelic jam", zesty lemon "unfaithful jam", and even cinnamon, raisin and apricot "prayer book jam"! Seems like the journalist writing the story isn’t the only cheeky one. Those monks might get a little too exuberant and need to be beaten back to emotional numbness too. Temper yourselves young jam making monks…no need to lose control. [source]

Who knows what kind of crazy ass law reform is going on in local government in South Korea but someone’s arrived to shake things up. Apparently, the government no longer provides awards for government employees who run up huge bar tabs. Must have been one of those light hearted office games designed to distract employees from the horrifying lack of point in their lives. Alright, so shocking paradigm shift aside, best part of this article is the mention of the boss who forced an employee to take part in a drinking game. Forced. The only thing missing is information about how the woman’s mother died of alcohol poisoning. If that were true, it would be a perfect example of quality comedy. [source]

After stabbing his own father to death a German man grabbed a chainsaw and sawed his own head off. Is it difficult to keep going all the way through after a certain point? Would you not choose something else that is more convenient? Or, maybe a rational approach was out of the question the moment he decided to kill his father and then cut off his own head. Yeah, efficiency probably wasn’t the first thing on his mind.[source]

Lindsay Lohan captured on film doing blow in a bathroom that have flooded the Internet thanks to the News of the World prompted Dina Lohan to do what any good mother would do; red carpet interviews at the premiere of Lindsay Lohan’s new movie Georgia Rule – a gig obtained entirely through brokering her daughter’s star power.

Because, relentlessly enabling your kid is actually a remarkably responsible thing to do as a mother when you have a gorgon esque ego inside you that is never ever satisfied. Sure you’re kid’s an unhinged narcissist starlet who is heavily addicted to narcotics and attention but…what about…mama?

When is it her turn?

Doesn’t she get a dream for herself?

Also alarming is the fact that Dina Lohan is surrounded by a contingent of people who refer to her as the “White Oprah”. What exactly does that mean? That Dina Lohan is the white version of one of the most powerful and wealthy women in America?

Yes, ex-Radio City Rockette, Dina Lohan – whose entire meal ticket is her daughter IS the spitting image of media magnate Oprah Winfrey. Not only do people watch Dina on her show and read her magazine – oh! Oh, now wait a second. Dina Lohan doesn’t have a magazine or a TV show. In fact, are we even sure she can read?

Well, let’s give her the possibility that she and Oprah may be in the same height…range.

Its always exciting when people make comparisons between themselves and people like Oprah because it either indicates a frightening level of delusion or a frightening level of ambition. Hmmm, which could it be here? With a cavernous void of desperate emptiness in her soul and daughter she’s clearly interested in exploiting coupled with the memory of a failed career in showbiz – maybe it’s a delightful mix of the two. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



Finally, the Sudanese man who was forced to marry the goat last year is free to marry a human after the goat, Rose, choked on a plastic bag and died. After he got drunk one night, the man was found rogering the goat and the goat’s owner insisted on marriage to maintain the goat’s virtue (god, it’s actually hard to follow that up with anything – it’s just so self contained). This must be a relief for the widower who can now follow up on all those offers of dates from smart and attractive women he must have had to relentlessly turn down while married. [source]



Israeli drivers carefully drove around a rapidly dying and then actually dead motorcyclist who had been in an accident and was lying on the side of a road. With their endless exposure to Palestinian bombings, maybe it’s just that they are numb to tragic accidents and without multiple dead bodies the accident seemed unremarkable. Alternatively, perhaps most drivers simply didn’t have the time to stop and feared dirtying their shoes on the muck that had spewed from the corpse of the dead motorist. Maybe it’s a little from column A and a little from column B. [source]





As we stand by watching cans of the recently banned “cocaine” energy drink be lifted from shelves by idiots who think they’ll look cool conspicuously downing the drink in a few weeks when no one else can buy it and retailers who immediately toe the line when the FDA bans something, it's hard not to shed a tear. A mere twelve-ish months after launching the product, the FDA has decided to rule that calling an energy drink “Cocaine” is illegal. But, never fear, the manufacturers are convinced that they can maintain an edge in the sparsely catered to caffeine-drink-in-a-slim-can market by marketing their product under another name. After all, what was in the name anyway – the kids loved the cough syrup taste. [source]

In an attempt to get Paris Hilton out of her jail sentence, one of Paris’ friends, Joshua has started a petition to somehow document just how upset everyone is that Paris has been sentenced to jail for repeatedly breaking the law and obviously to get her off. Obviously, no doubt, after grabbing himself by the hair, prying his face from the vomit covered Versace homewares mirror he calls a pillow and figuring out what to wear to mark the exact moment he decided to work on something besides his abs and tan.

Because, at the base of it, it’s just so desperately unfair and unreasonable that after she drove with no license and ignored a judge’s ruling that someone actually require her to address her behaviour! She’s never had to do that before, why NOW?!

Apart from the fact that Paris has urged people on her myspace page to sign the petition by spelling “sign” with an “h” instead of a “g” – indicating once again a failure on her behalf to adhere to a set of rules; in this case linguistic ones – some of the most remarkable comments have been left on Paris’ myspace account offering support and explaining how much she is worth to the little people who consume her products with no irony. As would be expected from a demographic of half wit, cultural shit eaters there are a few minor discrepancies in some arguments. But only a few. See if YOU can pick them!

Myspacer “Jolly” rather shrewdly points out:

I know Governor Schwarzenegger is a reasonable man. Paris could be considered one of her child, being one of its local member. Paris will be in good hands. The Governor had been a reasonable father and citizen of the US. I support you both Paris and your local government. :)

Indeed, Jolly. Paris could be considered “one of her child” , it’s true. You are also correct to point out that Paris will be in good hands (gosh, Jolly – really hitting your mark this morning!) Similarly, it’s wise to offer support to Paris’ local government as it so clearly exists.

Jolly then posts again, suggesting reasons behind a “blunder”:

Oh my goodness, of all the blunders I ever made..... forgive me for this typo. His child I mean, instead of her. I am distracted with the opening entry for this petition, I guess I am affected by it. :)

Yes, Jolly. Of all the blunders you made in thinking about what you were about to write, actually writing and posting those thoughts, being a fan of Paris Hilton and indeed getting out of bed in the morning, the typo you made was the biggest “blunder” for which you require forgiveness. Fear not – we’re all affected Jolly. Paris Hilton going to jail affects us all. Just breathe.



Moving on, though, to thoughts posted by Simone of Free Paris and a self described .1 fan & biggest supporter always (of Paris Hilton). Simone feels that despite Paris’ inclination toward racism, elitism and homophobia as hinted at through the release of that short film on which she was seen and heard using the words “nigger” and “faggot”, and indeed the fact that Simone herself is black and was hurt by that, Paris still doesn’t deserve jailtime.

I signed it!

I wrote this to you in a message but i figured you would have a bunch of messages so I put it in a comment but you get like millions so I'll post it here:

Hi Paris my name is Simone & I'm your BIGGEST fan. I really want to start out by saying how upset & pissed I am you have to go to jail. I swear 2 god I cried because this is really ridiculous! The 1st thing that came 2 mind was that was the judge's decision because you are who you are. I don't think it's fair & it's not right! I was shoked when I found out but then I was like I should have seen it coming. You're really a misunderstood woman & it's not fair 2 you 2 be judged the way you are.

I'm not goin 2 lie I don't always agree with what you do but I know most of things the media says are lies.No matter what happens I'm always going 2 support you because I LOVE YOU! Alot of peoply disagree with you being my idol but I don't care because I actually take the time out to watch VH1 shows on the real you & read about the real you when other people just judge you strictly on the bad things they hear.

I'm not like that & I'm not going 2 ever be like that. I did see the video w/ you saying the "N" word & @ I laughed at it. Deep inside I was hurt but i just had 2 brush it off because that's something 2 small for me to change my mind about you. You're a beautiful person inside & out (I know I don't know you but I'm a good judge of character). I'm only 16 but I do know your not a criminal & I do know you shouldn't be treated like shit.

I hate it when people bad mouth you! Only you know what it's like 2 walk in your shoes & be constantly critisize. I really wish people started 2 show you more respect & treat you like the BEAUTIFUL woman you are! I really hope you read this because it's coming from my heart & it kills me 2 see you have 2 go down like this! I LOVE YOU PARIS HILTON!

Your .1 fan & biggest supporter always:

Simone!

Indeed, it is ridiculous, Simone. And Paris marginalizing you as a black woman by calling black people “niggers” is a small trivial detail too. Especially when you consider how much she gives back. To you personally. Let’s all take a moment to think about how Simone must be feeling now and send her a general wish that she put down the proverbial razor blade.


In true Australian style, Alexxx manages to work the Australian angle in there too by proving she’s Australian ahead of time and then offering support. Oh Alex with three rather pornographic Xs in your name, it doesn’t matter what you have to say just keep talking with that adorable accent of yours and hammer it home for all to hear.

I signed it.Don't know if Australians are supposed to, but I did anyway.Don't worry Paris;; you'll get out early.You will be the hottest in-mate ever.Stay strong okay.Lots of love.-Alexxxoxo

And Alexxx presents a rather well formed case there. She’s probably right too, Paris will get out early. Why? Not sure but it’ll happen if we just believe in our hearts.


And finally, a rather rage filled Christine sums up feeling of intense anger we might all have by exclaiming:

just signed it, i signed another one that's going around too!!! u have all my support!!! this is fucking bullshit!!!!



It sure is Christine. It sure is.

[source] [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd




Unburdened, it seems, by a quest to simply function let alone a quest for excellence, Palermo’s City Hall in Italy has hired 110 bus drivers – none of whom actually have bus driving licenses. Now, all that’s left to do is simply pay them while they sit there and figure out what to do. Judging by the standard set, though, it seems like the problem will be swiftly dealt with by a capable mind justifiably in a position of power. [source]




A British man was told he was about to die of pancreatic cancer and that there was nothing anyone could do so he did what anyone else would do; he went out and spent up all his money – probably on relentless coke and whore binging – and just as he had spent the last of his money found out he wasn’t actually going to die at all. The sad part is, seeing as he’s completely broke and old – he really may as well be dead. Therefore, either way, his fate was sealed from the moment that doctor read him the diagnosis. He’s suing. [source]

How can Paris Hilton be expected to pay attention to the rules when the people she pays to read her mail don’t tell her what the rules are?

Plus, she has to spend all her time fending off advances from police who are getting her attention by making up crap like that she's "drunk driving" or telling her she’s been booked for "speeding".

Gosh, it’s interesting to see the massive differences between what actually happened and what Ms. Hilton remembers happening. In much the same way as a paranoid psychopath rewrites reality – except in this case – replace “paranoid” with “narcissistic” and “psychopath” with “spoilt town bike”. In some bizarre and unexpected way - Paris Hilton remembers the experience of being booked as actually being admired by fans. How unexpected!

Kathy Hilton was (thankfully) quoted as saying "This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with this nonsense. It's a joke." - referring to the jail sentence .

Actually, putting Paris Hilton in jail is one of the most socially responsible things anyone in the public sphere has done in, well…it’s so damned long before something this right happened – it’s hard to even compare it to something.

Sadly of course, jail will – as we know – serve as a fundamentally harmless cocoon within which Hilton will incubate and re-form. She will emerge, in the manner of a phoenix, more powerful than ever before. With the rumored demise of Brad Pitt’s ass and the inevitable metamorphosis of Paris Hilton into a super-celebu-beast – living in a third world country that only has dial-up never seemed more palatable. [source] [source]

Not only is Lindsay Lohan, brace yourself in a way you haven’t braced before – as in, maybe go out and buy some new bracing devices now because this shit will bowl you over when you read it, NOT ONLY is Lindsay Lohan – GOD, get a cup of tea or SOMETHING – not only is she NOT sober post rehab (ok, that’s shock number one) but she’s also apparently attempting to medicate against the crippling, endlessly tormenting desperate crippling emptiness that cripples her on the inside (emotionally, in a crippling emotional way) that she’s blowing rails of coke and talking about how she enjoys having endless compulsive sex with people who might not want to eventually get married and someone caught it on film and then provided an account of what she’s like to the News of the World. From the looks of the pictures she’s hanging out with someone who is a dead ringer for Claire Danes circa My So Called Life but that’s neither here nor there… There’s nothing she can do to get out of this now! Well, maybe if she went to rehab again that would do it. That would probably cleanse it all away, yes. Entirely. Then she’d be back on track as they say.

Between Pete Doherty being unmasked as a drug taker all of a sudden and Lindsay Lohan being sprung on film doing enormous amounts of Bolivian marching powder despite going to rehab (but she SAID she went to rehab and was better!) it’s almost enough to make you rethink basing your life on the behaviour of celebrities. Isn’t it? We all have some re-evaluation to do now. Some tough re-evaluation. When you think about it, Lindsay Lohan included. After all, with friends like the one who anonymously filmed her and then explained everything to the News of the World no doubt taking home a huge check in return, who needs enemies?[source]

Extraordinarily focused and spectacularly hygienic role model and hopefully for Kate Moss, the future father of more children, Pete Doherty was arrested on suspicion of possessing a class A drug on the weekend. This has got to be one of the biggest soul shaking shock for the general public. Well, now, gosh…where do you start to process something like this? Did anyone have any idea he was not really anchored in reality and had a tendency toward self abuse? Surely his friends and family suspected something? Regardless, there’s lots to think about now. Even besides Pete Doherty.

Kate Moss, we can expect, will probably now sit down and have a good hard think about where she’s headed and whether Mr. Doherty is coming with her in life now – it’s safe to assume that she’ll do that seeing as considered choices in her personal life are what she’s famous for. After being a supermodel…obviously.

It’s really just so strange! Everything else about Pete Doherty says “TOGETHER”. And you know, he would probably sometimes car pool the kids home from kindergarten. And all that time, he was headed towards drug use Goes to show…you really should never stop being suspicious of everything. [source]