Of all the things Barbara Walters talked about in her interview with Oprah on Tuesday, the topic that received the least amount of diplomatic glossing over was her rundown of the back story about Star Jones’ colossal weight loss. Star Jones, as we remember, was ass fat as an ox, she had the stomach stapling and then lost 160 pounds in a year and when she began to resemble a dehydrated shrink wrapped skeleton, claimed it was entirely because of diet and pilates. No one believed her. The women on The View had to follow Star’s lead and say it was because of diet and pilates but they all resented her for it.

SO – Walters spilled the beans about the back story and now Jones has predictably fired back.

"It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character," Jones told Us Weekly magazine.

Actually, it’s a logical day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life brands herself as an adulterer and speaks negatively of Star Jones for the sake of selling a book. Barbara Walters got to where she is by eating people alive and if you’re as madly narcissistic as Star Jones is and you turn your wedding into an insane corporate celebrity circle jerk as she admitted she did and you lie about your surgery for months and months then you’re handing out gossip dish for people like Walters to use against you.

Why wouldn’t Barbara Walters say all that about Jones? She said more or less the same amount of negating information about herself.

Plus, Star Jones deserves a bit of slapping down. Not only did she force us to swallow her ludicrous marriage to a gay hustler, but just in general, she is an annoying, self absorbed, self promotional narcissist who still wishes she could be a cheerleader in high school. She’s just about the right weight now to try out though so why can’t she just go through with it and get it over with.

Well, there is one problem. What is she going to do about all that extra skin hanging off her shrink wrapped carcass? It’ll flap around in the wind during formations and might slap the other girls in the face. She should probably either peg it up with clothes pegs or alligator clips or just get it sawn off. Yeah, that’d be great. Then she can tell the public that she grew into her skin by using sea weed wraps and steam baths. Oh wait, the public doesn’t CARE anymore. Shit. [source]

It’s pretty reassuring and also, let’s face it, thrilling that the Lohan parents are now back in the news what with the mother being given an award for simply being a mother who lives on Long Island by a gaggle/coven of chatty, bitchy suburban housewives whose dream it has always been to be quoted in OK! Magazine. In response to her honoring, Page Six reports that the father, Michael Lohan – sorry, the GODLY Michael Lohan, is outraged.

"Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.
"She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling 'Oh, [bleep],' when she saw the paparazzi," Michael raged to Page Six.”

Which, as a quote, is basically just as bad as anything he’s talking about when it comes to her for the simple reason that he’s talking to the New York Post about his family.

Thankfully, the Mother has responded by saying:

"I've allowed him visitation once a week, so I don't understand why he's doing this. He's jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me."

Which is good because it rounds out the story; each person got a dig in.

Dina Lohan later claimed that Michael Lohan was trying to “destroy her” which is reasonable because when you consider how she conducts herself it would seem like if anything goes wrong in her life it would have to be because of an outside source as she’s such a moral compass. Look, I don't know how this is going to turn out but fucking hell, I've cancelled pretty much everything so I can sit here and just focus on them. I've got to find out. GOT to.

The Lohans are great. They really are. They have that certain facet of star quality which is a total and unwavering belief that anything they do – even down to the tiniest minutiae – is of universal fascination to the rest of humanity. Which it is. [source]

Angelina Jolie may be having twins and her twins are going to be so much better than J Lo’s twins because they will be Wonder Twins with powers that don’t even need to be activated, but you know, Im far more fascinated with further proof that Pam Anderson is cool.

Anderson had a yard sale the other day and sold a whole crapload of her stuff, the proceeds of which go entirely to PETA. Now, PETA may the place where aggressive, vocal, extremely externally referenced and emotionally unstable people who experienced bullying at high school go to vent their frustrations and take their anger out on the world but at least she was doing something for charity. And, even though PETA are kind of annoying they did lampoon the Olsen Twins and that can’t be all bad.

So, the great thing about Pam Anderson’s yard sale was that, as Hollywoodrag.com reports, items for sale included a new golf cart, several chocolate fondue fountains, a large flat screen TV and her own used lingerie. What a trooper!

Firstly, there’s got to be nothing more astonishing than watching men in the mid thirties who are really emotionally 12 rummaging through the clothes bin in Anderson’s front yard looking for something that’s still warm and then finding it only to pay and then run home salivating over the idea of forcing some hooker to put them on. Or, maybe just running home salivating.

Plus, you know someone is a class act when they have several chocolate fondue fountains in their house. Not just one. Several. Because when you’re riding high on celebrity and residual checks, why not just grab the two or even three. Hell, let the neighbour’s kid play in one.

So, in short, Pam Anderson is still genius even if she is sagging slightly. [source]

Yeah well, what a freaking surprise, Madonna’s dragging out all the old quality material to get ass much publicity as possible. The Daily Mail in the UK has reported that Madonna went on stage in Paris and made out with a girl – shock freaking horror – in another effort to get publicity for her new album, “Hard Candy” in which she danced with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland – so she could drum up the notion that she’s not just a fake English accent wielding 50 year old matron who paints her sheep red and green and goes hunting for pheasant which she then probably doesn’t even eat.

Usually, when TV shows get to the point where they’re at the top of their game and they are more or less going to sink in ratings and quality, they get axed or they finish so that the actors and people involved get to ride out high on the memory of the quality material they produced.

Not Madonna.

No, Madonna hasn’t put a foot wrong her entire career (well, except for her insistence that she appear in films) and she’s been in control and a gorgon-esque ambitious diva who has beaten the world into submitting so she’s not going to wilt any time soon.

By the genuinely interesting looks of things, if Madonna’s out there sucking face with women on stage again – even though the first time it was interesting, it means she’s probably slipping from her pedestal – Joan Crawford style - and in actual fact, when you think about it, she actually looks remarkably similar to Faye Dunaway AS Joan Crawford in “Mommie Dearest”. Consequently, I really don’t think she should be beaten down in the media, I think she should be left to continue on this path until she’s a drooping carcass whose breasts drag along the floor and she’s unable to remember the words to her own music.

That would be progressive and hilarious and important. Yes, important is the word. She’d be the Louise Bourgeoise of the pop music world and that’s something I want and NEED to see. [source]

Oprah’s dragging out the A-list interviews at the moment (well, there have been two) and yesterday’s Barbara Walters interview was FAR FAR better than the schlock bullshit served up by Cruise Corp.

Here’s a clip:

For the most part, she had evenly placed stories throughout that seemed like honest reflections on various events in her life. There was the death of her sister, the affair with the senator which she seems to be treating as new information even though, as the New York Post reports today, it came out in 1990 in an unauthorized biography about her, and the information about her family.

The rundown of how the Star Jones obesity scandal occurred and she made the women on The View lie, it seemed like there was probably another side to the story even though Star did later admit to being a greedy celebrity mad freak and in the case of the Rosie O’Donnell split-screen issue it was hard core diplomacy. It’s so great how on an estrogen fest like The View where the women sit there and talk about how much they love to accept each other’s differences that someone like Barbara Walters can still maintain that she doesn’t hold a grudge, that she’s motivated by love etc. when it’s simply unfeasible that she has been able to maintain her status in media by anything other than carnivorous, bloodthirsty ambition. I’m actually more interested to know just how many people have been buried by her or her allies to make sure she stayed at the top this entire time.

One thing I did think was classy though was when she said she’s learned how important it is to be kind and that’s why she’s gone soft in interviews – which a lot of her competitive contemporaries have accused her of becoming.

Still, the fact remains, you don’t get to be Barbara Walters without side stepping a few land mines and feasting on the flesh of your rivals and I want to know who got eaten and what they tasted like. [source]

Here’s the music video for Mariah Carey’s new video. I don’t know what the hell people get out of her. I mean, I know she has a tremendous register and everything but this song is completely thin and nothing. It’s like air. Mind you, people like air so who knows. I prefer nitrous oxide myself so, I guess it’s each to their own. This music video features her and her new husband Nick Cannon.

The thing about this is that it reminds me in a really soul shakingly violent way of the video clip Dannii Minogue did with Julian McMahon when they got married like 12 years ago which featured the two of them frolicking on the beach being all smug and amazingly delusional about their relationship, setting themselves up for failure by concreting a cultural artifact with images of them together. It remains as deliciously horrifying and dreadful today as it was during that first viewing.

Although, it should be said that actually, Mimi did have a pre-nup when she got married so maybe she’s still got something ticking upstairs. Actually, no, because of this music video she’s back to zero. It was like Good Morning America performance: down, weight loss: up, marriage to gold digger: down, pre-nup prior to actually getting married: up – so basically we’re back where we started. Nowhere.

There’s a really great and totally important story on the front page of The New York Post today about how some girl wore a ten thousand dollar fur coat to a party at 1 Oak, a douche bag bottle service club in Chelsea and it was stolen. Then a little while later she saw photos of Lindsay Lohan wearing the coat in a celebrity magazine and called the club and her lawyer and blah blah blah, is suing Lohan for ten thousand dollars for keeping the coat for three weeks.

Ok, so it’s mildly intruiging that Lohan just took a coat from a bar and then wore it in public, especially a freaking 10,000 dollar fur coat but this happened like 4 months ago and people do weird things when they’re drunk which Lohan probably was.

While the coat was returned, it did apparently reek of cigarettes and alcohol and had a slight tear in it meaning that maybe Lindsay Lohan used it to cleanse her face or under her arms so that’s a nice little bit of information. I’m pretty sure her under arms and face get caked in nicotine and liquor on a daily basis and she does seem to fail to exfoliate regularly. Not sure how I figured that out but why not?

I think what’s fascinating about this is that there’s some rancid, entitled fur coat wearing slab of tuna who is now suing Lohan for ten thousand dollars as a fee for the rental of her coat.

Plus, there are some great coat based quotes in the article too. This is my favourite:

A 1Oak rep confirmed that the club delivered Markova's fur coat back to her in February.
"I am not the coat keeper. I'm not sure where the coat was," said club spokeswoman Lisette Sand-Freedman.
All I can say is, WHY was the actual Coat Keeper not located and interviewed indepth for at least an hour? WHY? What the hell kind of journalism is this? AND - Thank GOD the Post gave this story the front page but, for the love of Jeebus, WHY did we have to wait this long for such crucial information to be reported in the mainstream press? This happened in January/February. It’s May. Come ON! Punishment will happen though. PETA will be on this any second now with a childish namecalling website and some soy cream pies. [source]

This latest Tom Cruise PR push is really fascinating me. I actually sat through the entire second half of the interview with him on Oprah yesterday and am amazed I’m not in a coma. Just like part one, it teaches us nothing about him except for who his closest sycophant allies are and it confirms that he’s trying to get back up on the movie star horse.

So, part two of his campaign to re-brand himself as a sane man with a family who is a movie star rather than a complete nutcase cult member with a contracted beard is the launch of his site – http://www.tomcruise.com/

One small but fascinating thing about the site and also the interview yesterday is that neither one really features that much footage of him in Interview with a Vampire. For an hour of television completely focused on Cruise’s body of work, Oprah’s interview didn’t mention it once. I’m not sure if that’s because it was widely received as a gay film or if it’s because the reception it received from Oprah and her audience when it came out was cold. Mind you, Oprah and Tom Cruise share the same fan base demographic so that is probably why it’s been put together this way. Either way, it’s interesting that it was never mentioned at all on Oprah and is featured for about 15 seconds in the entire 6 minute montage of his work.

Ultimately though, when you think about it, the entire premise they’ve chosen to hang this career rehabilitation on is essentially preposterous. Tom Cruise was in The Outsiders, Losin’ It, Taps and Endless Love before he was in Risky Business and yet somehow we’re all being bludgeoned with the news that Risky Business is this iconically important film that deserves an international, multi media retrospective of his career simply because it came out 25 years ago.

What interests me far more than any of this, and I have to admit, I really do think he’s done some great work over the years; Interview with a Vampire remains one of my favourite films, is – for a man who is so insanely controlling and essentially delusional, what was the point where he really knew he needed to stop acting like douche bag in public and rein in the Scientolobabble crap. The stupidest thing he ever did was fire Pat Kingsley and now he’s finally coming back to where he was in the beginning. I am just interested in what specific thing happened to make him realize he had to pull his mind and image back together. Well, image anyway. The mind seems completely gone. [source]

Ok! Magazine reports that Dina Lohan has been named one of the Top Mothers on Long Island by the tooth grindingly insufferably named group “Mingling Moms”.

“We’re just honoring celebrities' moms on Long Island,” a spokesperson from Mingling Moms tells OK!. “It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.”

So, at the base of it, the group is aware that what they’re doing is essentially pointless and has no meaning which is kind of reassuring. On the other hand, why bother doing something purposeless? Probably because the spokeperson from the group just wanted to be quoted in OK!.

Oh ok, I get it. I know what the bitches are like. God, these kind of suburban mothers, the kind that get together in groups and gossip about “MOMMIE” things and talk incessantly about their kids shitting habits are the worst. They’re not quite as bad as the hideous Christian suburban mother groups who get together and bitch and victimize a weaker mother and pray together but they’re pretty freaking bad. There’s really nothing more horrifying than watching a mother star fuck a celebrity no matter how famous the celebrity is.

In fact, there’s nothing more horrifying than watching a mother sit in the audience of the Oprah show and scream at the fact that someone like Tom Cruise is about to come out….and talk about his career and completely fake love life. These are the sort of women who socially smoke and go out on girl’s night outs to male strip clubs but in the case of the Mingling Moms, they would be slightly more monied.

I don’t know why I’m hating on suburban mothers more than would seem necessary or warranted right now. Probably because I’m still not over how fucking rancid that TV show “The Mommies” was like 12 years ago and also, I just can’t believe what Dina Lohan gets away with. If she were to turn up to the award ceremony she’d keep her sunglasses on the whole time and at least one mother would attach herself to Lohan in starfucking awe, laugh hysterically at everything she said and completely miss that her 3 year old kid was having an asthma attack. She’s actually resent her kid for a long time for having that attack.

In short, mothers on Long Island are giving a meaningless award to Dina Lohan simply for BEING a mother and being from Long Island and that indicates to me that I will never EVER spend time on Long Island for more than is absolutely necessary. [source]

I found this post about Tom Cruise on City Rag and it is making some point about Tom Cruise giving Oprah the stink eye, whatever the hell that is. I actually have no idea what this post is about but it gives me an opportunity to segue away and talk about the Oprah interview with Cruise last Friday at his mountain top home in Colorado.

Talk about completely contrived and fabricated. Oprah was fine, she asked the questions, she wasn’t completely sycophantic; it was ok on her end.

He, on the other hand, is a completely insincere machine. This is clearly the point at which Cruise Corp. begins the mending of Tom Cruise’s public image. From the time he walked out to meet Oprah with Katie Holmes standing next to him fulfilling her contractual obligations as a professional beard, the entire thing seemed like one of the most calculated moves ever.

After he took Oprah on a strictly controlled tour of the house where whole sections of it weren’t shown, he kept insistently pointing out the family spaces, the dining room, he related stories about how they crowd 25 people around the table at Christmas, showed pictures of the children and also relentlessly pointed out of things to do with Suri (her shoe box, her little play room, the story about her responding to Cruise when he allegedly dressed up as Santa Claus).

His responses to the questions about what he was thinking when he patronizingly dressed down Matt Lauer with his freakish position on psychiatry and how he completely dissed Brooke Shields were utterly inadequate as well. Here he is flipping out on her show in 2005. Above is Cruise talking about what happened. Apparently, the phrase “It was a moment”, explains it all.

So, fundamentally, while I completely and utterly refuse to believe that, after watching that interview with Oprah Winfrey, I suddenly know so much more about the REAL Tom Cruise and the reality of life within his family unit, what became completely clear to me is that Tom Cruise is very similar to Clay Aiken in the sense that he is followed almost entirely by a demographic of middle aged women and that reality is something he can't escape. This is why he appears on Oprah and not really anything else besides morning television. He’s never on MTV or at younger focused award shows, he doesn’t really court any other demographic and that’s probably why he had to insist on portraying himself as a man who is completely focused on family on as many levels as possible.

Of course, he has to enlist the services of someone like Oprah Winfrey because the reality of Tom Cruise’s life is probably extraordinarily bleak, lonely and empty and so it takes that much media influence and planning to paint a picture so completely different to what reality actually is.

Tom Cruise held in the freakish crazy so hard throughout that interview that there’s no doubt in my mind that when Oprah and her people left for the day, he went out and gnawed on a tree trunk and howled at the moon just to balance out the repression.

What amazes me even more than the exhaustive efforts Tom Cruise goes to to be this “thing” is the way middle aged women who watch Oprah seem to have a capacity for fantasy and denial. Well, I suppose not. Not when you consider that most of them really only have stucco houses and strip malls at the center of their lives.

I just realized that the word “Oprah” is IN Microsoft’s dictionary. My computer totally recognizes the word. Oprah is everything. [source]

Everyone’s favourite kindergarten faux punk diva product Avril Lavigne has apologized for canceling gigs because apparently her voice is shot. Here’s what she said:

“I am at home right now taking it easy. I have been sick this whole tour, and now I have lost my voice. I have never canceled a show in my whole career and just had to for the first time ever. This sux (sic)!
” I just played 4 shows in a row in Texas (which is a lot for the vocals) and woke up in Vegas Tuesday with no voice. I thought I was gonna have to cancel that show, but I made it through…..barely! I woke up yesterday and knew I wouldn’t be able to sing last night. My voice is so shot.

Yesterday, Perez reported that the reason she cancelled was because she got hammered in her hotel room with Boys Like Girls lead singer, the supporting act for her tour and was hungover and ruined.

Ultimately, who cares anyway because she’s so completely contrived she’s almost an icon of American culture. I mean, she should be studied and kept as an artifact of our TIME, she’s such a synthetic product. But, this could really go either way.

I mean, one, she could have been just tired and so they released the above statement – which I’m fairly comfortable suggesting Lavigne has never read – because, actually, can she read? Or two, she could have been drunk etc.

My thinking is, she got tired and is playing video games at home in her jammie jams and her producer leaked that story to Perez to make sure Lavigne still looks like the hard assed punk ass punk ass ass bitch ass punk she is to so many 8 year old girls who didn’t get that My Little Pony doll they were after last Christmas and now hate their parents so they’re acting out.

Isn’t her time up now? I mean, Britney Spears has trumped Lavigne in every single way possible since they both began. With no character to base herself on, why are we paying attention? The kids who liked Britney witnessed her breakdown, questioned the point of life and should be, by now, all disillusioned and discovering the Smiths. Lavigne is culturally irrelevant. Anyone anywhere could eat her alive and indeed, someone freaking should. [source]

I was convinced that Mariah Carey was actually more or less psychologically with it nowadays. I mean she’s burnt off the extra flab, come out with an album, she’s not mind splitting nuts and giving out ice cream on TV talking about how she doesn’t want to have a nervous breakdown or anything. Plus, when I saw her in person the other day she looked really in her element and as though she was at least sincerely enjoying the fact that she is slim again. Sincerely slim.

Oh but how wrong I was to assume that Mimooo was together.

Turns out she got married to Singer Nick Cannon and there was no pre-nup. They met a month ago.

Oh well.

People like Mariah Carey can’t marry regular people. She was married to Tommy Mottola which was the kind of union that will work for her. There really is no other union that would. She isn’t really human, she can’t BE human, she has to marry someone that relates to her massive diva ego. If something doesn’t relate to that, it’s out of her life. Just like Celine Dion really. She married her producer and now she’s fine. Inside she’s a churning chasm of ethereal emptiness but out here…and who cares about anything but the surface anyway…she’s got it all figured out. Mariah Carey has the same chasm - that's why she made such a ludicrous mistake.

So, Mimi, there’s a little mistake that, in about 6 weeks, will cost you 400 million bucks.

Suck it up. Then in ten years do a one woman show about your mistakes and your loves and losses. I’d see that but only if it wasn’t some corporate product so we have a long way to go. [source]

Page Six reports that Gossip Girl’s Chase Crawford was seen out enjoying the fact that he’s not with Carrie Underwood anymore so he just flirt up a freaking heterosexual storm by flirting with as many women as he wants to now. What a stunning heterosexual flirter he is!

Why, just LOOK at what they report:

On Saturday night, Crawford sat "between two beautiful brunettes" at La Zarza in the East Village until 1 a.m. "flirting and taking shots of Patron." Then on Sunday, Crawford and his co-stars Penn Badgley and Ed Westwick had a boys' night at Stanton Social on the Lower East Side. Our spies there saw Crawford sipping blood orange margaritas and befriending his waitress.

Um, hi! This is so forced. Firstly, it’s far more likely that he was out bitching about Madonna’s new album with his two fag hag hangers on and then he went out to the Lower East Side and had the fruitiest cocktails possible with the boys while sassing up the waitress. My God, he probably just telling her she looked fierce and she flirted back because she was so sexually unthreatened.

I love these heavily calculated gossip items where the sweating yet imperious celeb publicist is just trying to hammer it into everyone’s skulls that their client is straight. Because inane, pointless finger pointing makes it just SO convincing.

I think Derek Jacobi dressed as a mild mannered office worker just took the elevator in front of me. He looked like he wanted to kill me. He definitely wanted to. It felt like he was forcing me to be Kenneth Branagh and he was…well, Derek Jacobi. He had his head back but was still looking forward. At me. And he never averted his eyes once. Right, I’m having all scissors removed from the building.

Chase Crawford is totally straight and hangs out with copious women and his heartily masculine co-stars in New York. Yep, I’m sold. [source]

Madonna performed live in New York on Wednesday night as a promo for her new rat shit album, Hard Candy and because you couldn’t BUY tickets people camped out on the (consistently wet) streets of Manhattan in the culturally bleak Hell’s Kitchen for 60 hours waiting to get in.

So, that line of intellectually dull, 20 year old fashion PR assistants on trust funds all done up and ready to go for their patron saint were basically greeted with the performance above after all the effort.

I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have waited in the rain for 60 hours to see Madonna perform only to be presented with the above travesty. Skip to 1:50 to see the magic happen. The curtain gets pulled back...I mean, I would have smacked my face against the concrete for hours.

Mind you, the kind of people who would line up for 60 hours are the kind of people who would forgive Madonna anything. These are your less media savvy Chris Crockers and Chelsea queens who have basically nothing else to live for anyway. Well, besides heavily validating cultural compliance which standing in line for Madonna essentially is. They probably had the wait catered. Good for them.

Oh but I don’t hate them. They can do whatever they want. That’s totally ok. What I do find astonishing is the increasing amount of smoke and mirrors that are involved in Madonna’s career. That coupled with the idea that she’s never really put a foot wrong professionally makes the whole concert idea rather puzzling. Maybe it’s her dementia.

Former NBA star and professional narcissist Dennis Rodman was arrested last night on suspicion of felony domestic battery. Apparently, he went out and got drunk and ended up beating his girlfriend up to a certain extent.

He was released on bail at 4:16am this morning.

I have to admit, my initial reaction to this was that I found it hard to believe Rodman would risk getting into a fight and potentially having any of his piercings or just his general head torn slightly. But then it struck me that he’s probably just been starved for attention for such a long time and for someone who literally married himself in a wedding dress, that can be just like getting surgery with no anesthetic.

His girlfriend looks a lot like Janice Dickinson.

All that combined with a tank load of alcohol equaled physical abuse.

There’s really not a whole lot more to this.

I can’t smell ketchup too much right now but I do have to run downtown to look at security tapes from the bar in which my bag and computer and hard drive was stolen so it sort of doesn’t matter anyway. If I can get a picture of the person stealing my bag I’m going to go about systematically destroying them.

So, in short, Dennis Rodman beat up his girlfriend. Dennis Rodman therefore is a douchebag. [source]

Now that president George W Bush is nearing complete cultural irrelevance, it seems like the pressure’s off him and he’s coming out with some quality work.

"We're going to send Jessica Simpson to the Democrat National Convention," he joked in front of members of the Super Bowl-winning New York Giants who were visiting the White House Wednesday.

Which is, as we know, a reference to the fact that Jessica Simpson is being blamed for every loss the Dallas Cowboys have as she’s dating Tony Romo. Now, while that’s irrational and unfair, if you’re a freaking dumb ass who is complete audience and never thinks, votes Republican and watches football on TV then it’s fair that you might have perhaps got the gist of Simpson’s recent relentless professional failure and then just generalized it onto everything she has ever been near.

Regardless, Bush’s new pop culture references are unusually good.

The other day, with reference to the White House Correspondent’s Dinner he was quoted as saying “Pamela Anderson in the same room as Mitt Romney, isn’t that a sign of the Apocalypse?” which is as self negating and clever as it is cross culturally referenced and cute. I mean, clearly, he didn’t write it himself and presumably the words were written out phonetically but still, he got all the words correct and it’s funny that he made humour out of the Apocalypse – something he lives in hourly fear of.

Anyway, maybe he can figure out a career as one of those talking heads on VH1. Actually, how DO you get to be on VH1 to do those shows? I really want to get on that bandwagon. I can write crap about how freaky Brangelina is.

My god, while there hasn’t been the smell of 50s meat and old Willy Loman who works out of a small office near me has kept the mindless small talk to a merciful minimum and has essentially stopped playing his fucking shitty MIND RAPINGLY bad light jazz shit, today everything smells like ketchup and my GOD I hate ketchup.

Actually, thanks to ketchup, my rage has been renewed: Fuck President Bush and his FUCKING clever pop culture references. Where was that cleverness at ANY other time in your fucking presidency you FUCK?

[source]

Who knew John Mayer had a blog – well, apparently everyone but me. If you check it today, you’ll find a delightful little entry which details Mayer’s new hairdo:

Today I set off on my newest project; to grow and maintain an authentic '80s style feathered haircut. It's something I've wanted to do for some time and I'm very excited to bring this amazing look into today's pop culture landscape. The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation.
Isn’t that genius? It’s a little ironic, it’s slightly self negating but not too much, it’s balanced out by the fact that he’s still completely focused on himself which has got to be gratifying for him AND he gets to drop phrases like “ today’s pop cultural landscape” and “eluded our generation”.

Why, that’s hilarious and intelligent!

I don’t feel like I’ve really missed anything though from not knowing John Mayer has a blog because John Mayer is one of those clever clever straight guys who likes to entertain the notion that he’s hilarious because he has a basic sense of irony and a few big words in his vocabulary when in actual fact he’s a genuinely self indulgent, grating douche bag. He’s just like those smug fuckwit guys at university who study political science or law who put on productions of clever CLEVER sketch comedy that is based loosely on the political climate but its peppered with fart jokes and jokes about getting drunk and stoned (although, never laid though...so, you know) and they have annoying underbites. God, I hate those guys.

Because Mayer is surrounded by mindless LA sycophants all day who are the kinds of people who watch The Hills and get emotionally involved in it, at this point, he’s got a freaking God complex and consequently, he just says everything that comes to mind. Oh joy. Please John Mayer – why don’t you run for pope?

[source]

OK! Reports that Joe Simpson is after a reality show for daughter Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz – just like he did with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey right before they divorced and both slipped into inane obscurity.

Is there some kind of freaking manual that you get when you’re a vicarious freak show mother? Dina Lohan is doing the same thing with Alli Lohan that she did with Lindsay, despite the fact that it ruined the first kid. But, then maybe it was just that Lindsay was cursed or something. Only one way to find out…do exactly the same thing to your second kid and see if it turns out like a nuntcase insane drug addict public liability.

The only thing that makes the idea of a reality show starring Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson is the fact that it would star Pete Wentz and he would probably at some point be naked. Because you know he’s one of those guys like Flea who runs about naked after like two beers. Or at least, that’s what his publicist tells him he is.

What the hell happened to Fall Out Boy? I mean, aren’t they a band? I mean, what happened to guyliner and thanking us for the memories? I sort of want to be thanked for the memories again. Actually I personally never really liked them THAT much so I don’t really mind if they don’t make more music but it would be a shame if they didn’t seeing as they were finally getting somewhere and then dumb ass LA skank idiot ditz Yoko Ono Simpson rocked up and, with her momentus need, extracted Wentz from the public’s clutches.

Damn her. All I cared about was more sexually ambiguous statements from Pete wentz and inadvertent photos being leaked but that’ll never happen now. God, everything sucks.

So, in short, if there’s some reality show, I’ll watch it.

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So, apparently today is all about writing the names of people who should never be written about.

Heidi rancid Montag and Spencer “somebody please fuck my ass until I cry and finally shut the hell up and disappear” Pratt (JESUS – I mean, his fucking last name is PRATT for CHRIST’S SAKE) are operating like shrewd political operatives at the moment and it’s interesting even if it is as transparent as any right wing politician’s use of Christianity to get votes.

Yesterday Montag was quoted as saying she’d pray for Lauren Conrad, her other rancid Republican cast mate on “The Hills” which followed on from her inadvertent endorsement of John McCain – even though she clearly has no real idea what it meant for her to do that.

Now, she and Pratt are coming out in defense of the vastly popular Miley Cyrus after Cyrus is currently battling a predictable backlash from middle America for baring her back in photos by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

Align selves with the Christian right? Check!
Align selves with the Republican party? Check!
Align selves with fans of the most popular show for children in the country? Check!

Spencer Pratt should just bite the bullet go into politics. I’m talking local politics though. Nothing with any real weight, just something that would placate his ego, get him a desk and an assistant and keep him the fuck out of the news so much. Put him in charge of the parking meters in downtown Chino. Just anything to keep him busy so his Cardinal Ratzinger meets bland assed porno surfer face doesn’t get so much press. Montag is already the perfect politician’s wife; she’s thin, blonde, enhanced and easy to push around. Plus, she has no self esteem so she won’t ever feel like she’s being used.

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People Magazine, after no doubt being bludgeoned within an inch of its life by someone in organized potato head, closet lesbian crime, has included Rumer Willis in its Most Beautiful People list for 2008.

Firstly, ok, it’s late April – that’s hardly enough time in 2008 to really constitute being able to put together a list for the year.

That’s A.

And B – how on earth is Rumer Willis beautiful? I do think Demi Moore is beautiful but she’s had any potential averageness chopped out of her. I think she’s stunning and it sort of confuses me that she doesn’t get any work. She’s done so many really great performances over the past 80 years that it’s been proven time and time again that she can actually act. Rumer Willis has, on the other hand, done nothing but emerge from Demi Moore and then continuously reflect absolutely none of her mother’s good points.

The best part about Rumer Willis being in People’s list though, is that she’s quoted as saying:

"There's a cool Korean spa my mom found in L.A. I go with my best friend, [Gossip Girl's] Jessica Szohr. That and getting my nails done are my biggest indulgences."

Yes.

Actually, dear, your biggest indulgence is that for some unknown reason, you’ve been able to sustain the idea that you actually have a career ahead of you that doesn’t involve rehab, car accidents, drug addiction and maybe a sex tape (oh god, I just found out what my lunch looks like. An hour after I actually ate it).

People Magazine’s list has now officially jumped the shark.

Plus, what the fuck are those boots she’s wearing? Since when has she been a dark and brooding dominatrix? Why do we have to be forced to think of her in sexual roles?

In fact, fuck YOU, People Magazine. Fuck you for making me even write the words “Rumer” and “Willis”. Stop it, People. Stop it right now. [source]