Thursday, July 24, 2008

The ever soul enriching Sun Newspaper in the UK is reporting that the reason there had been a lot of tension brewing between Christian Bale and his mother and sisters over the years and they came to him and asked him for about $200,000 to help with raising kids etc – which is always what the money is for when relatively ask for money from their rich kids or whatever. It’s never because they just want to go on a holiday or buy a new car or swim in fur and caviar for a couple of hours.

It’s always about the children. If it were a government asking it would be about the troops but when it’s family it’s about the children.

You’ve got to hand it to The Sun for the way they reported this story. First up they run the basic premise and then they throw in little gems like this:

But sources close to 6ft 2in Bale, who has another sister called Louise, said Jenny inflamed the situation by hurling insults about his wife Sibi, 38.

Isn’t that great? If you know how tall Christian Bale is it makes his alleged violent outbursts so much more visceral and shocking. This whole story seems so much less interesting that it really probably is but let’s take it as it should be taken: poor, little, frail old mother and struggling sister (a part time clown from Bournemouth, seriously) desperately plead with Bale to help them raise their ill children (yeah, why not ill…) and big strong, rich, narcissistic Bale throws down a double shot of 30 year old scotch, looks up at the ceiling and laughs maniacally before throwing his diamond shot glass into the fireplace along with a couple of sweatshop made Armani couture suits to keep the room at the blindlingly hot temperature his devil body requires to exist and then strikes the begging women across the face and stumbles out of the room. Bale’s wife, Sibi watches from the California King sized bed wrapped only in a sheet made out of the face flesh of young blond Swedish virgin choirboys and when she sees that the family have been kept at bay again she lies back and orgasms/laughs hysterically for thirty minutes while her eyes change color to indicate the dawn of the apocalypse.

Actually, I like this version better. I think prednisone is somewhat of an hallucinogen. [source]

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