The Reluctant Whore

Week # 45 in Review

As the Writers’ Guild of America were on strike pending an agreement about royalties from online and DVD sales, Pop Star Britney Spears continued to operate outside the rules of society as she drove through a red light with her children in the back seat of the car just days after her ex-husband Kevin Federline had asked him lawyer to petition for her to not be allowed to drive with their children. This news came hot on the heels of reports that showed Spears had failed to show up for 8 of her 14 required drug tests, her reasoning behind not showing up was that she was busy promoting an album which only last week she explained to Ryan Seacrest she was not planning to promote. It was also reported that Spears went chandelier shopping while her children remained in the car with the court ordered parental monitor. Her album, “Blackout” was, at the last minute, knocked from the number 1 Billboard spot by the Eagles first album in over 20 years when Wal-Mart decided to report its album sales figures which it normally doesn’t do.

Ex-zeitgeist Paris Hilton took a trip to Tokyo and went shopping but also announced that she would be supporting a charity that aims to limit the number of drunk elephants in Asia, actor Jack Nicholson complained that he wasn’t, at the age of 70, asked to reprise his role as the Joker in the newest Batman film; a role being played by actor Heath Ledger and reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter, currently under fire for saying the word “nigger” on a taped phone conversation, was being sued by the woman he called a “nigger”.

Pop star Lindsay Lohan’s still totaled Mercedes Benz was up for sale on eBay for over a hundred thousand dollars, it was reported that talk show host Conan O’Brien had been stalked by a Catholic priest named Father Ajemian for the past 14 months and that the priest had been caught and suspended from duties and actor George Clooney and romance novel cover model and the face of synthetic butter Fabio got into a low level confrontation in an Los Angeles restaurant.

In her campaign to be thought of as an adult, actress Hilary Duff was seen out giving a lap dance to her current boyfriend, footballer Mike Comrie at Tejune in New York, rock star Pete Doherty was filmed shooting up heroin after an awards ceremony and then apologized to his fans through a prepared statement from his publicist and talk show host Tyra Banks presented an entire show that focused on the topic of vaginas.

Actress Eva Longoria delivered pizza to the striking writers in person, pop stars Christina Aguilera and J. Lo both confirmed that they are pregnant, Court TV anchor Nancy Grace gave birth to twins a month early and Michael Jackson had 90 days to make payment on his Neverland Ranch property before he was to lose it.

UK TV’s X-Factor host and former pop star Dannii Minogue released an album called “Unleashed” and former Dancing with the Stars contestant Heather Mills launched into an aggressive media campaign attack on Beatle Paul McCartney and the media in general saying that she had considered suicide as a result of the relentless bad press she has received since marrying and subsequently divorcing Paul McCartney.

In European oddball news, 27% of the English voted that of all the English laws, the law banning death in parliament is the most ridiculous, the Leaning Tower of Pisa was found to be the second most leaning building in the world when it was revealed that a church steeple in the German village of Suurhusen leant more and the Foreign Ministers for both France and Germany announced plans to collaborate on an R and B song that they will record and release in the coming weeks.

In Asia, a herd of wild boars invaded the Chinese city of Hangzhou prompting the government to lift its ban on the hunting of boar, toys from China sold in the US and Australia were found to emit GHB, commonly considered a date rape drug, when they came in contact with water, in further preparation for next years’ Olympics, Beijing unveiled what it calls the “Great Wheel of China”; a ferris wheel like the Millennium Wheel in London and in India, a girl born with 4 arms and 4 legs underwent a surgical procedure to normalize her body involving 30 doctors that took 40 hours to complete.

In South America a new species of pig was discovered in the Amazon jungle and was named “caitetu munde” and Hugo Chavez, despite his often openly criticized physical appearance, was voted one of the top 5 most attractive men in Venezuela.

In the US, a married couple who live in the town of Hell won $115,000 in the lottery on Halloween and the Federal Government announced that people throwing out old medications should wrap the pills in animal feces to prevent teenagers from finding and abusing them, a couple paid $160,000 at auction for the chance to eat dinner with former Russian Prime Minister Mikhail Gorbachev, the Westin Hotel in Times Square launched its new 1000 dollar bagel in the name of charity and the Guinness Book of World Records officially announced that the most expensive dessert in the world could be found at New York City’s Serendipity 3 restaurant. Made out of chocolate, gold leaf and diamonds, the dessert sells for 25,000 dollars a serving.

“Everything is created for the order,” said Joe Calderone, a spokesman for the restaurant. “The truffle has to be flown in from France; we order the cocoas from around the world; we have the gold flown in from Switzerland, so it takes time to put it together.”