The Sun in the UK is reporting that Hilary Duff was performing a lapdance for her boyfriend Mike Comrie at Tejune in New York – which is odd seeing as it wasn’t reported by a whole lot of New York media. Maybe that’s because no one gives a shit.
Still, that’s no big deal because the Sun has points of information that are so exciting and juicy and amazing that the titillation it inspires says far more than real solid facts ever could.
Best part of the article ever is:
A partygoer said: "Hilary was having a wild night, drinking Veuve Clicquot straight out of the bottle.
"She looked nothing like the sweet little Lizzie Maguire she once was as she treated Mike to a series of raunchy lap dances.
"The place was packed but Hilary didn't mind."
Yes, and could it be remotely possible that that "a partygoer" was in fact her publicist? Wow, she was drinking booze straight out of the bottle and she looked nothing like the children’s TV character her entire net worth is rather stressfully invested in right now?
Gosh, she must be growing up and therefore capable of a whole lot of new kinds of film roles that children just can’t play. Why, as a slim, attractive American girl she might just secure some work if she can prove that she’s an adult and BANG! Look at this! Here she is with her actual boyfriend so she’s not really a slutty ho (something to appease stressed out suburban mothers in the flyover states) and she’s drinking and being sexually expressive. Just like ADULTS!
I mean, if they’re going to plant crap items like this couldn’t they try and make them a little less sanitary. The tone of “a partygoer” in my mind resonates just like Julie Andrews circa 1982. Perfectly crafted with everything neatly in place.
Just go throw up in a lesbian while you’re eating her out in the middle of some rancid LA nightspot like Le Deux or whatever the hell else there is, Hilary. It’ll save you months of throwing sanitized earnestness in everyone’s face and you can start working again in no time. [source]
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