The Reluctant Whore

During the week where Barbra Streisand more or less flashed the entire world when she took of her jacket at a fundraiser for Clinton Global Initiative and the explanations of the cause of death for Anna Nicole Smith’s son was inconclusive you would be easily forgiven if missed out on some of the following life altering happenings from around the world.
Two world records were set this week when a 1.8 tonne helicopter landed on the back of Austrian strongman Franz Muellner and he held it up for almost a minute AND Marco Hort also set a record when he fit 264 drinking straws in his mouth to beat his old record of 259 straws.
The theme of putting things in your mouth even though they maybe shouldn’t necessarily be put there continued in China this week when a drunk man climbed into the pen of a sleeping 6-year-old male panda at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the startled panda and promptly bit that panda back. Zhang, a 35-year-old labourer from central Henan province, said:
"I bit the fellow in the back. Its skin was quite thick.”
Ill-conceived animal based initiatives that trump even those championed by the Chinese were also uncovered this week in Romania when five Romanian farmers were arrested after police discovered they were feeding their cows cannabis. The farmers, aged between 57 and 82, claim they didn't know they were doing something illegal by growing the drug in their field
One of Britain's biggest hotel chains announced this week that they will offer pets their very own beds. AND a British jam maker has marked its 125th anniversary by producing the world's most expensive marmalade. F Duerr & Son's Fine Cut Seville Orange Marmalade with Whisky, Champagne and Gold costs £5,000 a jar. That means it would cost about a hundred bucks US to spread it on just one slice of toast.
And just in case you hadn’t spent a shit load of money on something as ludicrously unnecessary as a hundred buck smeer of cooked fruit, it was announced this week that a luxury mobile phone with diamonds as control buttons is to go on sale for $380,000. Only five are being made and the phone is expected to be available from early next year so any thinking person would be advised to start saving now.
In a moment of what was clearly unadulterated inspiration, a British arms giant announced this week that it is planning a new range of 'environmentally friendly' weapons - including lead-free bullets. BAE Systems said this week that it wants to design bullets without lead because lead bullets 'can harm the environment and pose a risk to people'. Imagine?!
And in further news about hilarious war profiteering Two Cambridge entrepreneurs were criticized this week for launching a board game based on the war on terror. Jacqui Putnam, a survivor of the London bombings, said the game, in which players launch suicide attacks and plant dirty bombs, was "sick", "dangerous" and "insensitive".
And speaking of sick, dangerous and insensitive a poll in England brought the collective consciousness back to thinking about the theme of naked English people having sex when it showed that four out of ten English people would actually be prepared to give up sex if it meant they could live to be 100.
Almost half of the women polled said they would take up celibacy to reach a hundred. But while the English were busy thinking about giving up sex, scientists brought back to life seeds which had been stored away since the time of George III.
And finally, an Argentinian robber was caught this week after he lost his false teeth during a raid on a house. In his hurry to escape with jewelry and cash, the robber left the false teeth behind. They were handed over to the police who analysed them and caught him based on dental records.
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