The Daily News reports that Michael Phelps is going to appear on Saturday Night Live in the coming weeks and he’s also confirmed as a guest presenter for the MTV VMAs which is thrilling news.

These are the appearances that are going to suck and they’re going to make people go “Ok, he is boring but at least he is the greatest swimmer ever and can fall back on that”. With the exception of Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live is usually tedious. Consequently, putting a whole lot of blah comics together with Michael Phelps whose main schtick is that he’s fast in the water (something that simply can’t be showcased on a sketch comedy show) – we’re bound for a doosey of a night in. I’m canceling my bridge game for that night and inviting the boys over for a night of crying.

Oh my god…I can just see it now. Andy Samberg sitting there feeling threatened so he makes jokes about how he could swim faster than Michael Phelps in a classroom or office setting and then suddenly Michael Phelps walks in, playing himself but still stuttering through badly written lines. The audience cheers, actors feign surprise and they leave Samberg standing there by himself. What’s going to happen now? Oh, gosh, I wouldn’t like to be Andy Samberg right now: this is entertaining!

Then Samberg repeatedly shows that, in fact, he isn’t as fast as Michael Phelps because Michael Phelps is a really fast athlete – he’s a gold medal winner! Arkansas and Staten Island laughs for ten minutes, Andy Samberg remains inexplicably employed on TV, Michael Phelps is still an American Demagogue and everyone in an urban center smiles awkwardly and tries to forget the whole thing.

Now, if Andy Samberg and Michael Phelps decided to oil wrestle in loose fitting American Apparel underwear – that would be a totally different thing. [source]

Tim Gunn, of Project Runway fame, said this to People Magazine about Katie Holmes:

“I have to say, Katie Holmes has become so much more sophisticated in so many ways, but I think she’s in a dip right now. I can’t explain it.”

He’s referring to the jeans she’s been wearing to rehearsals for All My Sons, the play no one apparently wants to see. She’s been rolling them up at the bottom the way the kids would do back in the early 90s – incidentally, around the time she was emerging as a teenaged star on Dawson’s Outrageously Infuriating Creek.

SO – as a result – I’m not sure what isn’t clear to Tim Gunn about this. He’s right about her being in a dip, absolutely. She’s in a dip for two reasons and they flow on from one to the next. One, as discussed, her contractual agreement with Tom Cruise is perhaps not paying off as she would have hoped with news that no one is buying tickets to All My Sons despite stellar casting and the fact that it’s an all-time great American play. Plus, nothing else that she’s done has really gone anywhere including the decision to not be in The Dark Knight for whatever bullshit reason Tom Cruise came up with. I mean, she wasn’t gold in Batman Begins but still, she didn’t do it and consequently, she isn’t in the highest grossing film of all time. There’s no arguing with that kind of thing.

I suspect that what she’s now doing is regressing back to the point where she was both full of promise and not married to Tom Cruise. She’s doing that by rolling her pants up as though she were a posing teenager trying to fit in at a Californian high school. She is expressing her fear and frustration through pant gesture. Many have done that before her too; I mean, think about M C Hammer. I mean, his ridiculous pants were less about expressing pain and more about inflicting in visually but it’s still an example of pant based expression.

Pants are the only way Katie Holmes can show her true feelings. Everything else can be tracked and hacked into by Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes is really coming towards breaking point. She is either going to need a hit and some individual recognition or she’ll start acting out. I sort of want the acting out part because it’s more amusing for me. [source]

Justin Timberlake has been quoted as saying:

“It’s painful for me to either watch or listen to myself. But even when you’re not fully satisfied with the outcome, that’s what makes you hungry. But there is gratification in the fact that you a. make people smile, b. make people dance, c. make people laugh or d. make people make babies.”
So, what he’ll have us believe after all the cocky, smug, self satisfied egotist shit he’s done, is that deep down he’s just like everyone else.
I mean, ok – wait. He’s pretty talented and he IS essentially sexy - although with Justin Timberlake I always feel like I’m waiting for him to be slightly hotter; I think it’s something about his hair – so I’m not being a complete hater. He’s just always this high pitched, high energy, eternally perky kid and for some reason it shits me.
Whatever. Part of that might be that I just ate a small bag of mini gummi bears and the sugar crash is making me feel annoyed at Justin Timberlake. That’s what usually happens. I should have known this was what was up when I book marked that story to blog about. Curse you cheap, corn syrup based American gummi bears.
So, in short – Justin Timberlake is insecure like everyone else, he’s human and therefore not SO much of a douche bag so now we can officially enjoy him more and also eat at his restaurant. [source]

Tara Reid doesn’t give up, you have to give her that. Whether she’s trying to be an actress, trying to sell her dwindling celebrity power to culture starved Australians in the desert or even if she’s just trying to stand up after having pounded down a few dozen shots of shitty, cheap tequila because it’s the only thing you can get at an industry party bar that blocks out reality and doesn’t immediately incriminate you if the police stop your wrecked ass – she never stops aiming for that goal point.

Now she’s released a line of beachwear right at the end of the US summer – what a forward thinker. Look, that's her above - you can tell it's her because she's got that oxycontin look in her dead eyes.

But, even if you will have no real use for beachwear in the coming weeks, why not buy them anyway because after all these aren’t just bikinis, they’re Tara Reid’s bikinis. What exactly does that mean? Well, I’m going to take a wild guess that she had a purely symbolic role in their design but I’d guess her priorities with swimwear include being able to hide the wreckage under her stomach flesh and also I’m guessing the crotch area is extra absorbent in case anything leaks out. Who doesn't have a need for that?

It’s probably hard to tell what might leak out as she probably can’t remember what she shoved in.

Still, if you’re a sucker for a skanky f-list whore and you’re looking for swimwear then finally, here’s something for you. [source]

Fashion Week Daily is reporting that Brad Pitt was shooting photos of his entire flock of blessed offspring and bought children AND his highly marketable “partner in life”, Angelina Jolie at Chateau Miraval in the South of France last week for the November cover of W.

Talk about milking it for all you can get; Brad Pitt’s photographs of a fork would fetch mega bucks, let alone shots of his own family and that’s about all I had on this story. I mean, to be honest, it’s the kind of thing Interview Magazine should have done first but they’ve clearly failed. Maybe they didn’t have 15 million dollars to pay Brad Pitt and the children. Still, it will be nice to finally have some quality shots of their entire family to date so I don’t have to keep cutting out images and gluing them together for the altar I’ve set up in my apartment that has actually, as of yesterday, taken over the place where my bed was. I am now sleeping under the stairs with some kind of glowing eyed beast that gets quite angry if I stretch my legs all the way out. I’m pretty tall so I’m used to my height being a bit of a liability.

Anyway – the other Brangelina news - because the new Messianic Wonder Twins, Knox and Vivienne were born in France Brad and Angelina are entitled to a crap load of money from the French government in childcare money. According to Holy Moly, Brad and Angelina are entitled to 1300 pounds ($US2400 per month) because the kids were born in France.

Is that enough reason to get pregnant and then go to France to give birth? Yes it is.

Clearly though, the Patron Saints of Western Culture don’t need that money. If it were Donald Trump or Michael Lucas then yes, they would take it but Saints don’t need money. They have manna and quail and light energy and a font that pours forth pure Kombucha tea in their kitchen. The kitchen was built around that font but the font sprung up because Angelina Jolie walked across that ground so it’s still hallowed. [source]

Page Six reports that Martha Stewart has been struck by lightning twice and she’s still not dead which probably indicates that she’s at least part demon.

Oh, that was an exaggeration. There were parts of that opening line I made up, weren’t there? I wonder which parts. Actually, I don’t have to wonder, I know which. Two different properties were struck by lightning causing damages that were covered by “comprehensive house insurance”.

I’ve never seen anything get struck by lightning and I’ve been around. I mean, I’ve been in quite a few thunderstorms in my time. I think it’s a little suspicious that Martha Stewart would find her property the target of the environment twice and yet I have never even seen lightning strike anything.

From what I know about Martha Stewart – ie. An old colleague of mine is her next door neighbour and once, when I went to his house for dinner, as anyone would, I quickly rifled through her mail but didn’t find anything that interest. From what I gather, she’s a difficult difficult woman. You’d really have to be if you were the head of a massive media organization but your product was pleasant domesticity. You’d become a split personality type. Yeah, that’s the type – a split personality. Plenty of media people are like that.

So, anyway, her New York apartment is on Fifth Avenue in the seventies and apparently when she arrives home the chauffeur has to telephone ahead to let the staff know that she’ll be arriving and all her household staff must stand out the front of the building in full uniform to greet her. She is, in many ways, like Captain von Trapp that way. She differs from the Captain because he learned a lesson about love because of Fraulein Maria but Martha Stewart has not learned that lesson and so now the earth keeps trying to tough love her to death by continuously striking her with lightning.

She was quoted as saying:

"And I'm just so grateful that the house didn't catch fire, causing much more major damage and heartbreak."

Well, not yet Martha, but you wait. The earth is a giver like that. It just keeps pushing until you place falls apart from electrical burnout but at least you finally know what friendship is. [source]

Female First reports the breaking news that Zach Efron he knew his girlfriend and High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens was the one for him the moment he lay eyes on her.

"Vanessa caught my eye straight away. She simply outshines all other girls because of her strong personality. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in two people having chemistry straight away.
"I don't know what it was with Vanessa but we kind of clicked from the very beginning. She is not just a lovely girl, she is also a sexy and desirable woman!"
I mean, believing this was actually originally written by Zach Efron and not his manager is a pretty tall order but the last line just makes it impossible. Seriously, could it get more clinical? She is not just a lovely girl, she is also a sexy and desirable woman. That sounds more like something the externally contracted sex ed teacher who addresses the entire of your 7th grade class at school would say.

“It is at this point that John started to see Suzie not just as a lovely girl but as a sexy and desirable woman.”

It’s at this point that you’d insert the argument that Efron is gay and that he needs Hudgens to be his beard as seeing as High School Musical is so successful, extending the fantasy dynamic of the film to the film into real life by having the two main characters date in real life just strengthens the franchise and product. I mean, granted Zach Efron has the gayest face ever invented but I suspect he’s far more interested in himself sexually than anyone else, male or female. If dating her gets him more attention then go for it.

Incidentally, I’m totally slow on the upkeep with this but James Franco is GAY? Fuck! I had no idea it was him who raped his ex-boyfriend so viciously that the ex had to go to hospital and then paid him a half a million bucks to shut up about it. Even Gawker was talking about it. God, that’s more interesting than Zach Efron’s bearded ego so I suppose mentioning this now undermines my original post but God, I just couldn’t keep it inside. James Franco is insane hot. He’s an annoying stoner but he’s INSANE hot. I found out about this live on radio on Saturday and I haven’t been able to sleep since. That’s a true story. I also have a cold so that might have something to do with it but regardless, James Franco is apparently a gay rapist and I have a cold so…there you go. You connect the dots.

Oh, also, Zach Efron, ego, Disney, not gay, self obsessed, likes girlfriend, is rich, whatever, something. [source]

NME reported last week that Malaysia’s Arts, Culture and Heritage Ministry announced that Avril Lavigne would not be allowed to perform in Kuala Lumpur two days before the nation would celebrate its Independence Day because they consider her highly refined, mature and entertaining musical show to be far too pornographic and sexual. That kind of thing is subjective but I would suggest that they might be missing the central point with Lavigne and that is that while Lavigne isn’t really too sexual, she is a talentless, rancid, spoilt brat with a really great team of stylists painting a personality on her while she plays with her My Little Pony dolls in hotel rooms the world over.

So, as this is essentially a bullshit cry for attention from religious leaders in Malaysia, they’ve all of a sudden turned around and decided that they’re actually ok with Avril Lavigne and that she can perform. Wouldn’t their view be ordained by the virtuous will of God? What happened? Maybe they didn’t realise that their publicist also represents Avril Lavigne and there was a professional conflict. This has happened with The Pussycat Dolls and with Gwen Stefani as well, apparently. Surely the issues these Muslim ministers deal with isn’t SO different each time. Maybe they just like to HAVE to stare for a long time so they can figure it out for SURE that they’re offended. Like elderly suburban Baptist idiots from suburban Sydney and the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.

I really think there has got to be a better way for these religious government officials to get press than decrying a completely synthetic pop product. Why not ban something practical like chopsticks and hair dye. I mean, surely banning those two things would be inane enough to get to the center of something. I mean, people LOVE chopsticks. People sure as hell don’t love Avril Lavigne as much as they love chopsticks. You know, part of success is working smarter not necessarily harder. Banning Avril Lavigne isn’t as effective as banning chopsticks. I should be working for Malaysia’s Arts Culture and Heritage Ministry. I could get them the exposure they want. I know all sorts of things we could ban. Like data entry as well. Data entry and factory seconds. God, the list is endless. [source]

The UK’s Mirror has reported that Mel C from the Spice Girls is pregnant with child (funny, I always thought she was a lesbian…must have been the chav tracksuit she always wore) which means that basically there is an entire class room of children about to be born or that have been born to some of the biggest stars in the world all at the same time.

I would probably ordinarily argue that having kids is a great little earner when it comes to publicity anyway but the number of celebrities that are having kids right now is far too high for that to be the case. As was the case with previous fads, there’s really only a certain number of people who can glom on trends like this before it becomes trite. Rehab, religion, fish based exfoliation, surgery, implied bisexuality, celebrity death/suicide/attempted suicide/contemplated suicide, mental illness; it’s all the same. Mind you, I suppose that all of those are deemed essentially negative so it’s like negative attention and scandal and that only works for a bit. You can only ride the hype of negativity for so long before people get bored of feeling superior to you.

I guess with a kid, there’s the vicarious mothering that magazine buying women can experience, there’s the fact that the kid grows up and changes so there’s always a story – right up to the point where the kid goes into rehab/gets a part in a soap. Yeah, alright – so, a kid’s a good idea.

Plenty of people are getting knocked up or squirting out/having kids removed so I guess everyone’s in search of a little longevity and a new good idea. I know I certainly am. I doubt I’d get a child though. I have nephews and nieces for that and they live on the other side of the world which is fine. That way, I can swan in, collect the press and then swan out again. [source]

Wow, so according to the New York Post, Michael Phelps was seen making out with Stephanie Rice – the Australian Gold Medal simmer. I guess the point here is that he’s essentially seen as a racehorse and whoever gets his kid will be set up with a deal for life. I mean, that’s how everything in relation to Phelps is looking at the moment.

He’s signing endorsement deals everywhere, he’s writing another book – who knew he wrote the first one but apparently he’s doing another – a book about training and how to raise kids in a celebrity culture like LA – I mean, sorry, something about his absent father. He’s endorsing cereal, I’m hoping he’ll endorse birth control pills or something too – something hilariously ironic like that; these pills stop his swimmers in their tracks! Ha Ha, oh shit.

I’m just sort of interested in how Michael Phelps’ celebrity emerges and how he deals with it. I really need him to not wear his baseball cap slightly cocked to the side though. I just hate it when guys do that. It’s so utterly vain and contrived and they have to live around how weird and awkward it is but they think it makes them look quirky fun but hardcore and part of the pack. I guess that’s what women want. Individualism as evidenced through a hat but fundamental compliance with social structure. How exciting.

What was the other thing I was going to say here? Oh yeah, so I woke up this morning at 4 and thought I was having a heart attack but I wasn’t. I couldn’t breathe and my entire chest was in stabbing pain but I knew it was a muscle pain not a heart thing so I took two muscle relaxants and two painkillers I was given by someone who isn’t a doctor and now I feel like I’m off the planet. Note that I’m still putting in the effort.

So, in short, Michael Phelps is now a National Hero and you could probably use the business model for a racehorse to figure out what to do with him to maximize profits and I am sort of whacked out on goof balls. [source]

MSNBC reports that no one is buying tickets to see All My Sons on Broadway – the production Katie Holmes is in with Diane Weist, Patrick Wilson and John Lithgow. This is the second report about how badly ticket sales have been since July when they were released to American Express card holders who proved indifferent.

I’m actually surprised at this to be honest. All My Sons is one of the great American plays of the 20th century and Arthur Miller is a true American icon. Diane Weist is a fundamentally talented actress, John Lithgow is hilarious, popular and marketable and Patrick Wilson is as hot as he is talented – I loved him in Angels in America and he was the only thing that kept be conscious during the travesty that was Barefoot in the Park on Broadway with the perpetually shouting, monotoned Amanda Peet. What a trooper.

I mean, even if you don’t care about Katie Holmes, there are still all these other great reasons so see a really great play. I mean, I would go for all those reasons but even if she was in a production of the exhausting and relentlessly exploited “Blood Wedding” by Lorca I’d still go to see it just to see how she does. I mean, it can’t be easy living with the Scientology zeitgeist freak but Holmes on stage is where it’s meant to even out. This is why they married in the first place. I mean, he got a beard and a link to the values of his primary demographic – namely, fat, average middle class suburban housewives and she got a career despite all likely outcomes.

If it doesn’t pay off here I wonder if she’ll start to lash out. Maybe there’ll be a little drinking and bad behaviour, maybe there’ll be a little straying from the script Cruise has written. Whatever happens, it might be interesting to watch Katie Holmes in the coming weeks – the subservient wife routine might just start to crack. She’s not a weakling – she got in there and cinched the deal. There’s nothing innocent and lovable about Holmes. She knew she was destined for nothing so she went for the brass ring and grabbed on. Bitch is an omnivorous cannibal underneath it all and I’m hanging for her outbursts to initiate Tom Cruise’s desperately needed breakdown. [source]

The Post reports that Bill Clinton celebrated his 62nd Birthday on Monday night in Las Vegas and it leads by saying that Cher helped him. So, ok – that’s fine except how?

The story goes:

CHER helped Bill Clinton celebrate his 62nd birthday Monday night in Las Vegas, where the ex-president was attending an energy summit. Clinton also dined at Craftsteak in the MGM Grand with oilman T. Boone Pickens and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). Cher, a lifelong Democrat, is playing Caesars Palace through October. Before he flew west, Clinton, whose actual birthday was Tuesday, celebrated at new restaurant Allegretti on West 22nd Street with Hillary, Chelsea and her beau, Marc Mezvinsky.

According to their story, Clinton ate with T Boone Pickens and Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid at Craft Steak. I mean, obviously – I copied the text above. When did Cher rock up? From what they’ve printed, she didn’t actually have any role in his birthday celebration at all. She was just in the same city. By that rationale, I helped Ryan Phillippe celebrate his pecs and ass when I was in LA last. I was there, he was too. He’s always had a rockin’ body. All the pieces fit.

You know, it’s little things like this that make me think Page Six isn’t as scrupulous as it could be. I mean, they could be implying anything here. In fact, I don’t even really feel confident I know who Clinton ate with. I am ok with the fact that he might have had a 300 dollar steak though. I’ve been to Craft Steak and you can genuinely order steak that costs 300 dollars. You can also order 75 dollar mashed potatoes. They’re actually covered in truffle shavings and honestly, I just think that’s ridiculous. I had them but I still thought it was ridiculous. [source]

The New York Post reports that Cynthia Nixon will play Penny Arcade in the sequel to “The Naked Civil Servant” which will star John Hurt as Quentin Crisp. Quentin Crisp and Penny Arcade were quite good friends, the Post reports, and they co-created "The Last Will and Testament of Quentin Crisp," in which Arcade interviewed Crisp on stage.

Ok, so – look, I’m not one to bring anyone down unnecessarily, but the insanely obviously neon pink elephant in the room – at least as far as I’m concerned – is that Cynthia Nixon is a tall, young, elegant, pale, redhead and Penny Arcade is a short, punchy, darkhaired, middle aged New Yorker of European descent. What’s the aesthetic crossover? Hello? Casting?

The thing is, casting glitch or not it might be nice for Penny to have something else to talk about besides how important her show Bitch! Dyke! Faghag! Whore! was 16 years ago though, so I’m all for it.

There have been several occasions where I’ve actually spoken with Penny and she almost always has something genuinely interesting to say. The trouble is, you have to stand there and listen to 30 minutes of non stop self aggrandizement from her with not one air break before you get those three interesting things. You never know when they’ll pop up so you just have to stick in there. I’ve seen people fade out and not make it to the end but I always have. Amazingly enough. [source]

Ricky Martin just had twin boys through the use of a surrogate mother – presumably so he could keep his figure during his extremely demanding schedule of international touring and performing.

Oh, wait – look at that, he WON’T be touring, he’ll be taking the rest of the year off. Here’s a quote from the official statement:

"The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky's full-time care," said the statement. "Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life as a parent and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children."

Ok, well – that’s not such a bad thing, after all his face was basically everywhere and maybe he was in danger of over exposure.

I remember when he was the SHIT actually. It was in like 1999 and he was everywhere. In fact, I remember there was a sex phone line that was free to listen to but you had to pay to put messages on it – I think that was the deal anyway. So, I called it and it genuinely seemed like half the Western Suburbs of Sydney had recorded the same damn sex fantasy: “Oh…hi guys…ok…well, my fantasy is to get Ricky Martin and… blah blah blah”. I never listened to the rest of the message, I just wanted to see how many straight, suburban Greek Australians fantasized about Ricky Martin. Because they all sounded Greek and straight, they’d say his name in a really Greek Australian way too. They’d say Reeki Mahden”. Yeah, the nights I would listen to those were some pretty low impact Wednesday nights. Mind you, this was pre-9/11 though, so …who knows what I was thinking.

So, to recap – Ricky Martin has twins through a surrogate mother – presumably because like Clay Aiken he wants kids but would prefer not to sexually enter a woman. Also, that means we’ll be seeing even less of him which presumably means he’ll cease to reflect light and will actually vanish. [source]

Tom Cruise’s campaign to re-invigorate his career (or scrape it back together – it really depends on how you view it) continues with his role in Tropic Thunder. After the mess he caused by firing his publicist Pat Kingsley who did us all a favour by aggressively encouraging Cruise to keep his evidently repellant personality to himself and after he drove United Artists into the ground to the extent that his long time business partner, Paula Wagner has severed ties with him – something had to be done.

He tried pulling in the favors from his old demographic sharer, Oprah under the ridiculous guise of celebrating 25 years since Risky Business, the film that apparently started his career – even though there were several films before that. That apparently didn’t do as much as he’d hoped so he’s really pulling out the big guns now, what with makeup that has him looking old and fat and weird and he’s also acting like a douchebag. I’m fairly certain he’s never looked purposefully hideous in any film except maybe for the wheelchair-bound Ron Kovic in Born on the Fourth of July – the only role that has ever given him an Academy Award Nomination. He’s never looked hideous in a film because his main fans are baby boomer women. Still, if you replace “hot” with “patriotic hero”, apparently it resonates just as much.

Who knows how outright “creepy”, “comedic” and “weird” will resonate. If it doesn’t, maybe he could open an ice cream store. Or, maybe he could buy some blog ads. The click through equation is pretty much fool proof.

And it begins…

The Telegraph in the UK has run a piece on who may be dating uber-Olympic champion masterpiece Michael Phelps because, lets face it, he can now basically date anyone he wants.
Isn’t that an interesting thought; he can now DATE ANYONE he WANTS.

The type of fame he has now achieved is internationally viable and it ranks up there with old survivor world leaders and movie stars like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Plus, the fact that he’s done something relatively easy to understand; he can swim fast coupled with the fact that he’s a male sportsman who genuinely doesn’t hard core CHASE the spotlight itself means that he’s completely marketable. Western culture loves it when there’s no unattractive angst, ego or complex, non-physical elitist intellectualism or language barrier to contest with. Plus, he’s not that facially attractive so more people will trust him as one of their own. At the end of the day though, he just swims faster than anyone ever. Everyone loves that. It’s not confronting, it’s just like he’s a soldier; selflessly achieving so that we may have pride and people who have nothing to live for love that. Not to mention the inevitable insane body he has which brings another dimension to it as well.

It’s almost certain that ephemeral zeitgeist Paris Hilton can sense his solid, irrevocable fame and is currently Febrezing her snatch and pegging up the loose ends at this point as she begins to aim her groin at him like some kind of fame/whore magnet but according to the Telegraph “Two girls have recently been linked with Beijing's eight-time gold medalist: US swimmer Amanda Beard and British model Lily Donaldson.”

You’d think that it would be hard to figure it out who to date if you were Michael Phelps whose life is made up of fixing his car, swimming, eating and sleeping. Amanda Beard, however, is an Olympic athlete AND Playboy model so, I’m unsure what about that wouldn’t work for Phelps. He’s got the necessary empathy of a like-minded colleague AND a teenaged fantasy pin-up girl.

I can’t figure out what exactly model Lily Donaldson would have on Beard. Mind you, it would be interesting if we forced them to fight to the death to figure out who would win Phelps. Clearly, Beard would snap Donaldson’s frail skeleton in half with her forefinger and thumb but it might be fun to watch. Plus, it would be equally as great to put Paris Hilton in a sound proof box near the boxing ring and not let out or her be heard as the fight goes on. That way she’d be able to see what she couldn’t have and she might just eat herself. That’s sort of what all this was headed toward for me. Paris Hilton’s self cannibalism. [source]

Oh good.

Here’s Heidi Montag’s new wondrous single, “Overdosin’”. Isn’t that edgy? She’s used the word “overdose” which could easily refer to ingesting too many intoxicants but when we hear her sing it’s more of a metaphor for how she feels about…..

Yeah…

What?

The amazing thing about this track besides the sheer audacity of its mere existence is that irrespective of the galactic amount of electronic manipulation and tweaking of the noise that comes out of her head so it even vaguely resembled someone singing and actually getting the notes – I can still hear the spoilt, blond, LA, Republican whore-whine.

Who would have thought? You know?

Who would have thought that any evidence of organic humanity would be evident in anything Heidi Montag did? But it’s all there…the entitlement, the self absorbedness, the fear based, parent informed political affiliation, the total willingness to completely wash away anything unique in her character in order to enhance marketability. The resignation to her essential innocuous whoredom.

Thank you Heidi Montag. Thank you for your honesty.

Us Magazine is reporting that John Mayer has come out with a statement to finally set the record straight about the reasons behind his breakup with Jennifer Aniston and just quietly, I’m really glad because I wasn’t sure if it was about whether or not she wanted kids or marriage or what. This way, I get to know for sure. Here’s what he said:

"If you guys are going to run stuff and run every lie under the sun, have somebody stand up for somebody," the singer challenged. "Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth. Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met.
"She's one of the most lovely people I've ever met in my life and I'm going through something that's a very personal thing and you have to give that up," he said. "You have to give everything up because you can't have it all and it sucks."
"I'm sorry that the story's not interesting," the 30-year-old added. "But it's about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she's great."
"People are different, they have different chemistry, they have different lives," he said. "It's not about years, it's about going out with somebody, being truthful on the way in, being truthful in the middle and being truthful on the way out."
The part about this that I really connected with wasn’t the marvelously inanely unimportant message, it was the way it is structured like some kind of presidential speech designed to unite the union and promote selfless patriotism. I can just imagine John Mayer standing up at a podium he creates out of a wooden crate and three human assistants who fall into a kind of contortion act where their bodies form an actual lectern, and he offers out his impromptu pearls of wisdom as an act of grace. It’s an act of grace for John Mayer to do anything because he is actually a muse. He’s a clever straight male who never tires of how wonderful his every whim is. I mean, sure he makes a living by singing on stage and playing he guitar but he’s also amazingly multi-talented and can talk about anything and he can be an adult better than you can.

Keep going John Mayer. Keep going. I’ve got tears in my eyes right now and this is vital stuff. Why don’t you run for public office? [source]

TMZ is reporting that the Malaysian government’s opposition party is calling for Avril Lavigne’s upcoming concert in Kuala Lumpur to be banned. Pan-Malaysian Islamic Party official Kamarulzaman Mohamed has said that Lavigne’s concert would promote the wrong values – particularly on the eve of Malaysia’s Independence Day, August 31

“It is considered too sexy for us ... we want clean artists."

Ordinarily, mainstream religion’s strategic fear of sex bores me. I mean, it’s always the same old story – sex phobic conservatives campaign against human sexuality by day and engage in animal sex at night complain about morality and they win votes because people like to feel as though they’re going to heaven if they do what they’re told and suffer a bit. Boring. It’s tired. I am so bored by that I can’t even speak.

But this time, religion has really come to the rescue of the Malaysian people. Thanks to that vote-hungry career politician, Malaysia will be spared the contrived, soulless whining angst product that is Avril Lavigne and even if they’re shitted off now, it’s really going to work out better this way. I mean, I can imagine a chunk of hyper active pop cultural participant kids in Malaysia who dye their hair three colors, have prominent eye teeth and who behave badly on cue because they find Lavigne’s anti-Spears behaviour somehow inspires them to rebel against their middle class parents by insisting that they don’t have to eat cornflakes in the morning just because their parents say they have to are a little upset that their demigod might not perform but then those kids are too spoilt and annoying to know what’s best for them anyway.

I know what’s best for them and that is no more Avril Lavigne. Not here, not in Malaysia and not ever. Actually – maybe Lavigne should go to Malaysia anyway and she should be asked what she thinks of the Koran but no one should give her any cultural briefing so when she starts spouting more and more of that contrived bullshit about how she just likes beating people up and how she eat bacon for breakfast and wipes her ass with pages from the Koran the Muslims can just take it from there.

Go on Avril – just relax, don’t edit, turn on your automatic douche mouth and let loose at the Muslims. They’re your greatest fans…[source]

OK Magazine is honestly using the term “Faux-Mosexual”. I mean, my god…

Yeah, so they’re coining a term, I guess, in relation to a piece they’re running on whether or not Lindsay Lohan really is gay seeing as she’s with Samantha Ronson right now but their relationship seems on the rocks. It seemed to me like she’d finally broken at least partially free of her ludicrous mother and as a result her dating a woman, something not necessarily conducive to a mainstream career – although, probably not necessarily a hindrance to one at least compared to someone like Tom Cruise being gay, was somehow a symbol of that evolution.

Plenty of LA people think the whole thing is for publicity though so who the hell knows.

OK reports:

“Lindsay is the aggressive one in the relationship,” an insider tells OK!. “Sam tries to focus on Lindsay, but it’s never enough.” Another friend adds, “Lindsay has to be the center of attention, or she’ll flirt with other guys to make Sam jealous.”

And that is the part that doesn’t shock me. Lindsay Lohan is indeed filled with a cavernous void, a bottomless cavernous void that can only be filled by fame and adoration and free clothes and hotel suites. She’s been taught to do anything to get that and keep it so eating carpet sure isn’t above and beyond the call of duty. Maybe she’s just a shell. A faux lesbian shell. You know what? I don’t care what she is…I just want her to bring out another album or film. Please, just anything from Lindsay. [source]

US Weekly Magazine reports that Britney Spears is up against the Jonas Brothers for Music Video of the Year at the VMAs. Won’t this be interesting? Here you have the before and the after shot up against each other.

The Jonas Brothers are the fake virgin, clean cut, sweet, Christian brothers who sing to teenaged girls and Britney is a living example of what happens to you if you force yourself to be a fake virgin, clean cut, sweet Christian pop star and then have a breakdown and come through the other side.

I’m such a predictable gay male. All I can think of is three smiling, clear faced brothers coming out on stage, nervous as hell but forcing a smile and not letting their real emotional state obvious and on the other side, a film noir Britney Spears in black and white standing there looking at them with one doe-eyed eyebrow slightly cocked, peering out from under the brim of a dark fedora. She throws her cigarette on the ground, unflinching, walks over to the boys who are sweating but still dressed in boy band finery and are waving happily to their screeching fans. Britney takes a breath and breathes fire all over the boys and their charred remains crumble to dust. She kicks over a brittle rib cage and walks off with the award, picks up her kids and gets in a limo that drives off into the sunset.

But, seriously though, this is an interesting competition. It will tell a lot about whether America still values the fake, sexually bipolar take on pop culture it insists on or whether it is heralding Britney as an evolved diva. Especially seeing as Britney screwed it up like nothing else last time she turned up. This is her triumphant semi-return. She may as well be Liza Minnelli or Courtney Love now. [source]

Page Six reports that Rumer Willis, the tuber headed daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore is in Sunday’s Page Six Magazine because for some unfathomable reason she’s worthy of a really high profile celebrity interview feature and in the article she is quoted as saying:

"My sisters, Scout and Talullah, had cute nicknames," she says. "When I was 12 and had crushes on guys, I'd put my first name with their last name, but it never sounded right. Rumer Depp? Nope. In school, kids would sing, 'Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor.'

She also says she was shocked to be named one of People's 100 Most Beautiful People this year: "After being compared to Jay Leno for so long, you don't think of yourself in that way."

I really think all of that is very very easy to put together and explain and I'm unsure why everything is completely clear. Here we go:

1) Yes, Rumer your name sucks, your parents don’t really suck but they chose fucking shit arse names for you and your sisters.

2) Your head indeed looks like a fungal growth with hair on it. Not sure if the kids at school didn’t like the word “fungal” or maybe they didn’t know it. Either way “fungal” or “tumor” are both equally viable so tumor it was. Your head resembles cancer.

3) Don’t be shocked you got into the list. It was put together by a spineless editorial team who are heavily influenced by vicious, soulless publicists, you or your parents have publicists, consequently, you made the list. People Magazine isn’t burdened by a quest of cultural analysis excellence, clearly.

4) You look like Jay Leno, still. It’s the chin. I mean, you knew that right? Of course you did. As if you haven’t considered sawing it off yourself or at least filing it down gradually. You still look like Jay Leno. You are really uninteresting. I’m so amazed I’m still talking about this. [source]

Christian Bale has been let off with a caution after he allegedly shoved his mother and sister in a hotel room after they asked him for 100,000 pounds. “He will have to admit guilt to get a caution when he answers bail next month," the newspaper said."Cops can still charge him if he refuses."

They sure can, but will they? I mean, he’s Batman. Commonwealth patriarchal culture like the kind that dominates in the UK where he was booked doesn’t like a showboater, particularly a male one, and seeing as he’s not one to consciously clamor for publicity – despite playing the main character of the most lucrative film in history - he’ll be fine. He was always going to be fine.

The mother and daughters, on the other hand, might consider putting shawls over their heads, wearing tattered folk dresses and carrying empty wooden bowls and then going to the head office of Hello Magazine to get the 100,000 pounds they need. I’m pretty sure Hello would pay well to photograph them sitting in cardboard boxes talking about how much they love their rich, Hollywood star son and brother. That way, they’d get the money they need anyway.

I’m actually pretty excited because I’m finally going to see The Dark Knight tonight. The IMAX tickets are completely sold out in New York until next week so I’m just going for regular screen size. That’s pretty disappointing really but you know, I’ll just suffer through it. [source]

Wow, looks like Mary-Kate isn’t the only Olsen twin who is fascinating and off the wall – the New York Post reports that Ashley went out for dinner and made out with her boyfriend Justin Barta the whole night. They ate at Serafina on East 61st Street apparently and while there were other people at the table, the two of them just made out. They made out ANYWAY!

I mean, SHIT! Can you imagine?

Mary-Kate has been getting a little exposure recently because she’s been acting, getting sued and avoiding the FBI for potentially facilitating Heath Ledger’s overdose so it’s only natural that Ashley would need to see if she can even out the coverage. After all, people want to know what BOTH of them are doing and I think this indepth, fascinating little tidbit evens it out.

Last week I was wondering what was really going on inside that monkey-like head of Mary-Kate as she charged around LA and New York City drumming up a storm of controversy and stimulating art. This week, Ashley is doing the same thing and I can’t help wondering what she fucking ordered at the restaurant. I really can’t. I have a lot of things to think about anyway and this report just ADDS to the list. No wonder I’m so tired. No wonder I’m so tired and always so hungry. [source]

OK! Magazine has the first interview with Britney Spears since the last one they tried to do two years ago when she let her dog shit all over a really expensive gown. I remember the last line of it was something like “Britney, when you are ready to talk…we are ready to listen.” Because that’s what gossip magazines are – they’re therapist parent best friends.

The online preview is pretty innocuous; she talks about how she loves her kids unconditionally but would like to see them not enter showbiz and also about how she’s writing a lot of music and her next album is likely to be more urban sounding. Whatever that means.

Urban, I guess, probably just means more hip hop.

The whole interview comes out tomorrow when the magazine hits stores and I for one, am on the verge of crying blood over how anxious I am to see if she ever addresses the topic of the mental illness she experiences. She really needs to as MTV rather suspiciously left her serial killer laugh in the promos she did for the VMAs. The hidden black demon in her is now part of her appeal. It’s too late to backtrack. [source]

Oh, look at that…a way to have bird shit spread all over your face AND be able to pay for it. Finally.

Fox News is reporting that The Geisha Facial given at Shizuka New York, a day spa in midtown Manhattan is offering a facial made out of ground up nightingale droppings and rice bran for a quick witted 200 dollars. What a marvelous opportunity.

It’s been a while since the good old days of the 25,000 dollar dessert, the bull semen hair treatments, famished fish based exfoliation technique in the Mediterranean, green tea nail polish, caffeine infused soap, placenta extra face serum but here we are revisiting the old material.

Look, I mean, what do you really want to know here? You get nightingale shit, dry it, powder it, mix it with other crap, slap it on your head, lie there while Japanese women tip toe around you, they wash it off, you get up, pay money and then you walk out and as you leave, you probably feel stupid because you really just wanted to fill the crippling void within you with something but you ended up finding out that Nightingale shit on the face wasn’t what your soul needed.

Wow, what a soul destroying surprise THAT must have been.
Incidentally, now that I've been thinking about nightingales, I've been reminded of the Disney version of Cinderella which I watched about 25 times as a kid. It's all about nuance for me when it comes to that film - I don't even notice the plot anymore.

Here's the God Damned Nightingale song. Don't you just want to get that cat and beat it to death with a sack of door knobs?

[source]

Ever since Paris Hilton started doing things again, everything has been so much more …oh, what’s the word… …yeah.

OK! Magazine is reporting that the newly reincarnated zeitgeist is being sued by The Worldwide Entertainment Group because she failed to promote their film “National Lampoon – Pledge This!” a cinematic gem that brought in 1.5 million dollars and is ranked as the 15th worst film of all time. The worst being her other incredible seminal piece “The Hottie and the Nottie”. Jesus, just writing that shit makes me feel intellectually numb.

And you know what else I hate? OH! This makes me so fucking mad. When Hilton said the phrase “Loves it”. It’s like this fucking irritating meta narrative that has to occur because that way she can refer to herself as a product and be too cool to be present. Wow, I wish I was where YOU are Paris Hilton.

The great part about this, though, is that Paris failed to promote something. All she’s good at is promoting and she failed at it. But then you have to remember that promoting things for Paris is merely the byproduct of her relentlessly self indulgent and self obsessed lifestyle. It all stems from that so if the motivation wasn’t there – Paris can’t be expected to actually produce anything. Plus, she is probably unsure how she even makes money seeing as all she’s ever REALLY done is turn up and flash parts of her body at people and be thin and easy. Maybe she forgot she was in the movie, maybe there were other things around her that were yielding more praise of her being – like a large mirror. Who knows?

All I know is, I am really fighting the urge to slam my god damned head against a brick wall while shoveling frosting into my mouth right now because I feel like that would be less painful than thinking about Paris Hilton’s acting career. [source]

While it’s difficult for me to really gauge just how much Michael Phelps really is the new Ian Thorpe because I’m inside America and am only getting the American version of things, there’s really no denying that he’s astonishingly talented and possibly one of the greatest athletes ever invented. So far he’s won 5 gold medals (one of which with his goggles full of water) and set 5 world records and he’s not done yet. He is hands down amazing.

The biggest mistake that Phelps could make at this point is if he starts to believe he’s a god and also that he’s capable of anything at all – like a singing career, an acting career or something other than swimming, low key business, motivational speaking (and that’s not confirmed yet – he might be totally uncharismatic) or sports commentating which doesn’t require charisma anyway.

The trouble is, America has already made him a god and when he touches down on American soil he’ll be bigger than Xenu. Paris Hilton will thrust her groin at him full throttle, every breakfast cereal hawker will clamor for his remarkably weird face to be printed on their boxes.

The interesting thing about sport and the Olympic Games especially is that the kind of fame it creates is on of the only brands of notoriety that really does translate on a general national scale. It’ll be really interesting to see how he does with this level of immediate, undeniable and nationally resonant fame. I for one, hope he doesn’t become a douche bag mogul or appear in a film. That would be unpleasant. [source]

Here’s Russell Brand, the man who has just scored the biggest boost of his career, with Britney Spears in the promos for the MTV VMA awards. Behind them is an elephant. Why? Because wow, guys, at MTV we’re just out of control whacky.

Anyway – Britney seems quite coherent in this little film. She’s still got the cackling psychotic laugh but she’s looking clean, washed, healthy and clear headed and that’s a good thing.

The weird thing about this is that Britney may well look good here and she might even pull off the VMAs but she’ll need a new angle now because no one will ever believe she’s an asexual, eternally happy, sparkling teenager again. They know she’s potentially completely insane, obsessive, that she menstruates in her stockings and that she’s got two kids. She’s essentially got “ticking time bomb appeal” now which is actually fascinating.

Where Paris Hilton, even if she makes scripted videos in response to John McCain where she has to balance out mainstream ditsy hotness with clever self awareness, will only ever be a b-grade nothing, Britney could be a genuinely fascinating and multi-dimensional artist if she grows up and balances out the darkness rather than denying it exists.

Eve did that to a certain extent. She used to be this hard assed rapper and now she’s a lady. She grew and changed and she’s artistically better for it.

This is the beginning of a new Britney Spears. Britney, the name, is too Valley Girl though. She needs to change her name to something like Vivienne. Vivienne Leigh was talented and sad so you don’t want the entire name. You just want the first name and then you’d go with something else for the last name. I’m not sure what. Maybe I’ll write a letter to her and we can discuss it. Actually, I think I should drop by. She’s probably nervous and I could talk her down.

Philip Noyce is directing Edwin A Salt, an espionage thriller and Tom Cruise was attached to the project. Now, just after giving birth to her Messianic Wonder Twins, Angelina Jolie is being written in and Tom Cruise is being written out.

Isn’t that interesting? The project is so completely malleable like that that you can just change it from one male star to a female one and really, it’s still more or less the same project. What a fascinatingly concrete concept it must be.

What’s interesting about this is that it’s yet another film where a freakishly hot Angelina Jolie carries a massive gun, maintains flawless physical femininity as described by a 15 year old computer geek from Middle America and says genius, deadpan one liners that make her seem like she’s got the soul of a hardened dominatrix – at least at night while she’s out racing around the city in stilettos and shining latex miniskirts while never losing her breath. In the morning of course, she’s just a stylish brain surgeon or computer analyst who wears glasses. Gosh, sign me up. I’m so excited to see this complete character stretch for the patron saint of Western Culture.

I would be fascinated to see who would win in a boxing match; Madonna or Angelina Jolie. I think in terms of brawn Madonna would kick Jolie's ass but then, Jolie is part jaguar and part mirage so she's got conceptual tricks that would FOOL Madonna. It'd really be a fascinating match to watch.

And you know, maybe Angelina Jolie will get her co-stars to accidentally announce Brad Pitt’s vasectomy during the movie’s press interviews. I hope so. I wonder if Angelina Jolie gets upset that she has to keep coming back to her bread and butter roles. No one really cared about the film she did where she played the journalist with 80s hair and someone’s got to pay for that ridiculous chateau lease. [source]

Lin Miaoke, the girl who sang the Chinese national anthem at the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games last week actually didn’t sing at all; she mimed it. Apparently,Yang Peiyi, the girl who sang the recording had some fucked up teeth and the Chinese politburo thought it presented a less than polished image of what it’s like to live in China nowadays; ie. It’s always perfect and everyone smiles and children with fucked up teeth don’t exist because of the stellar human services provided to the Chinese people by their benevolent government. The government who cares.

The UK’s Daily News reports:

'We had to make that choice - it was fair both for Lin Miaoke and Yang Peiyi,' Mr Chen told Beijing Radio.
'We combined the perfect voice and the perfect performance.
'The reason was for the national interest. The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings and expression. Lin Miaoke is excellent in those aspects. But in the aspect of voice, Yang Peiyi is flawless.'

The newspaper did not actually quote the talented ugly kid but they did print what she apparently said by writing:

She insisted she was not upset at the switch and was honoured to have her voice used.

I think we’re all fairly comfortable with the fact that it’s safe to assume Peiyi was in fact irreparably devastated over the fact that some talentless show pony kid came in to take credit for her work and she has probably now taken to infant alcoholism and her response statement was actually crafted by the politburo as she was kept out of sight under ground. Like fuck she was fine with it. She had probably already told the entire of her school she was singing and everyone said they wanted to come to her birthday party but now who’s going to turn up? Plus, even the nice ones who do turn up are just going to stand around at her party repeating the line “Don’t look at the teeth, don’t look at the teeth”. She’ll be happy and nice and then at some point she’ll just stop dancing about playing with prawns and feathers or whatever Chinese kids do at parties and she’ll stop and look at her guests and say, “you’re looking at my teeth, aren’t you?” and the other kids will stand there silently and stare. One kid will cry and run into the hall to hide.

Can I just say, this gesture isn’t so surprising either. The Olympics are like a huge party and China is the insanely high maintenance and desperate host so they’ve been acting weird and neurotic about this for over a year. I mean, they banned the sale of crispy duck outside public toilets. The list of their weird, inane changes is almost endless. I was covering it for a while and then I got so tired of the insanity because it was like giving attention to someone like Nicole Ritchie. All the chapters were always the same. [source]

Isaac Hayes died at the age of 65 on the weekend. Chef on South Park was a pretty cool character, especially the way his hands moved all over the places as he talked. So random. He quit South Park because of the way the show portrayed Tom Cruise and Scientology – the Church of which he was a member.

Prior to that he released several albums and won an Academy Award in 1971 for his song, the theme to Shaft.

[source]

With the exception of John Edwards admitting to the fact that he cheated on his wife Elizabeth Edwards in 2006 which creates a situation where it will be virtually impossible for him to gain his publicly recognized integrity back anytime soon – it’s a pretty slow news day at least as far as the gossip press is concerned.
How slow?

TMZ is reporting that Macaulay Culkin isn’t dead. Isn’t that great? Maybe there have been rumours flying about that he died, none of which were taken terribly seriously seeing I don’t remember hearing one and they evidently didn’t stick around for very long. So, quick, write it down and tell your friends. Dreadful former child actor isn’t dead. He’s also not working on anything. Oh but that’s ok, at least he’s not dead.

When I was at art school I got glandular fever and essentially took four weeks off. I don’t really remember how long I took off but still – I took a lot of time off. When I came back to school my friend Vanessa – who I had only just met then – came up and said, “I heard you’d died”. Clearly, I hadn’t. So, the other angle we can look at here is that I know what it feels like to have people think you’re dead. That’s why I’m qualified to comment here. I know what it’s like. [source]

The investigation into the death of Heath Ledger has finally been closed and Mary Kate Olsen has nothing to worry about. He died on January 22nd after an accidental overdose of prescription drugs for pain, anxiety and sleep. The DEA have spent 8 months investigating this case and it’s completely unsure why exactly they did that.

TMZ is hypothesizing, and I TOTALLY agree, that they just obsessed over it because he’s a celebrity and they wanted to feel important and a part of something important that people were paying attention to. Sort of like the crying, pot smoking judge from some of the trials associated with Anna Nicole Smith. What a freaking star fucker he was. I mean, the tears in court? Incredible. Incredibly reassuring actually.

People do that kind of crap all the time. In fact, there are whole industries that exist entirely to obsess over the behaviour and whereabouts and nuances of mundane celebrities. Whole INDUSTRIES. Pas, publicists, event managers, writers, editors, stylists, dog people, caterers, pant makers. All who make their livings being next to and connected to celebrities. It takes a certain type of person to want to be in one of those occupations. I mean, can you imagine spending whole chunks of your day thinking about and operating in relation to the behaviour of celebrities? It’s just ludicrous. Ludicrous I tell you. [source]

Yesterday, Paris Hilton came out with a short film response to being used by the John MCain presidential campaign and she actually came across as self aware and likeable – not just generic and ditsy so people aren’t threatened by her and will buy her shit. I posted about it here.

I actually think it was the most agreeable thing she’s ever done and today TMZ are reporting that she’s actually back to her 2006 level of popularity as far as public opinion goes. She was, according to TMZ, mobbed in Sweden.

There are polls on this kind of thing.

Anyway, considering that her appeal was always based on her mystique and her ability to shamelessly embody everything Americans love – thinness, blondness, tannedness, richness and irresponsibility…ness and then considering that all that was thwarted when she came out of jail and actually spoke about her time in jail and it came across as fake and manipulative – climbing back after that is a real kink in the works. I mean, she was supposed to fade away to, at best, a career that looks like the career trajectory of Joan Collins.

Now, she has injected herself with a touch of essentially convincing self awareness so who knows what that makes her. Maybe a cheap, uninteresting version of Patty Hearst. Oh God, let’s not go too far. She has taken a step in the right direction though. All she needs to do now is step outside this door and ..oh, too bad.

I just ate Korean and now I feel all weird and tired. [source]

Two days ago Anderson Cooper co-hosted Live with Regis and Kelly and decided to tear into Dina Lohan for existing and also tore apart the E! reality show, “Living Lohan” as a “trainwreck”. Obviously he’s right – it is one of the most blatantly horrific and shocking examples of Dina Lohan’s delusional personality. So, naturally, Dina Lohan fired back with the uncharacteristically understated response, “People are just cruel!" she said. "This is bad karma for him."

So, Anderson took the bait as well and followed up on it with the above TV spot. Who knows why, perhaps he needs the ratings and he’s under pressure so he went the easy route. This is the kind of thing Ann Coulter does; she just says things that will resonate on any level. He could just as easily have done his newscast shirtless which would have, I believe, attracted more viewers although, admittedly, it would have diluted his integrity somewhat.

I didn’t care about this two days ago but now I’m really all excited about it. I think my initial reaction to the story was a knee-jerk “just ignore her” one because it involved Dina Lohan and I think that if we stop paying attention to her she will fade away. I sometimes think she might actually physically fade away like some kind of 80s apparition dream sequence. Those days are often the hard days. Like, where you get up and have to speak to a series of moron customer service idiots who tell you the exact opposite of what is possible because they suck at their jobs. I escape to a mildly alternate place on those days – a place where Dina Lohan will cease to be actual matter.

The thing is, now – 2 days later – I was watching the video clips and I was amazed. I love it when Anderson Cooper gets sassy and I found myself watching the timer of the video wind down and I just sat there, hoping it wouldn’t run out. I mean, I really was. I don’t even know why. I think Anderson has the appeal of a news reader who you know is sassy and dirty behind the CNN smile. Sort of like Royalty but with less ludicrousness.

So, in short – Anderson Cooper is hammering Dina Lohan and …ok, the rest isn’t important. Anderson Cooper.

Today is pretty damned slow by the way. There’s the earnest, freaked out potential marriage between Jennifer Aniston and maybe John Mayer – not sure if he knows about how he’s getting married yet, more celeb pictures of the Brangelina Messianic Wonder Twins, Paris Hilton; I already wrote about that, Anderson Cooper adequately and brilliantly tore apart the show “’Living Lohan” on Live with Regis and Kelly, some guy is in some movie - with and without pants, Ryan Phillippe is damned hot, Mary-Kate is taking rational legal advice. I’m sort of tired but I’m seeing a play at McCaren Park tonight and need to get through the gym. That’s about it. I mean, I ate Korean for lunch…what else? It’s hot. Oh God. Stop.

The New York Post is reporting that Jenna Jameson is pregnant with the child of her oaf, meat head husband UFC champ Tito Ortiz which means we’re in for a really interesting celebrity body cocoon type thing again – just like there was with Nicole Ritchie. Oh, Christ, there I go typing her pointless name again. Oh well. No wonder I’m so exhausted.

Meanwhile – the last time I saw Jenna Jameson was at Fashion Week and, with the exception of her mallard beak like lips, she looked so ridiculously out of proportion thin that her legs looked like breakable twigs atop a body that was like a shrink wrapped skeleton. A little while before that she was on the plane I took to Vienna and she had to basically be carried she was so thin. Oh well, as long as she’s not unsightly and fat – who cares what she does to her body. So, yeah, if you wanted to sum up her body it was basically an abstract sculpture prop tree with fat lips.

Where is the baby going to go? I mean, what is the baby going to use as nourishment as well? Probably her thin flesh and any fluids squishing around beneath it I’d guess. Yeah, that feels normal and healthy.

Just like I rationally did with Nicole Ritchie’s baby, I’m going to predict that the baby inside Jenna Jameson will grow and grow and finally turn its mother’s body into a mere cocoon type skin that it will burst through. It didn’t EXACTLY end up the way I described with Nicole Ritchie but it was near enough. Near enough for me to not feel weird or wrong about it.

So, yeah, Jameson’s knocked up, meat head husband, the kid’ll be a weirdo – probably will end up a Catholic mathematician except with blonde hair. [source]

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Ok, so following the use of Paris Hilton in a John McCain endorsed ad where the McCain camp characterized Barack Obama as the political equivalent of fading zeitgeist Paris Hilton, Hilton herself shot back with a film of her own. I mean, sort of. She didn’t really – it was clearly the brainchild of the people at Funny or Die but she went along with it and that’s all that counts.

I actually think this is the first genuinely interesting thing she’s ever done and I don’t just say that because she’s laughing at herself which could be considered evidence that she knows her limitations and is therefore a self aware adult and I also don’t say that because she’s saying smart things other people have told her to so she looks smart. I actually think she’s been aware of how she resonates in America as a cultural object for years. This is interesting because it’s such a clearly considered response to something rather tricky. She couldn’t really damn McCain, she couldn’t align herself with Obama. If she did either she’d have to talk further about it and she’d look ridiculous. Plus, she’d probably fall asleep because the discussion wouldn’t be about her.

No, this film is perfect for her because it keeps the focus on her without letting herself be pissed all over. I barely care about Paris at all because she’s actually inherently dull but I am ok with this gesture from her. I also sort of have a hangover because I drank three glasses of shitty white wine at the opening of the new Galapagos Space last night and maybe my defenses are wilted so some of the shit got through. Who knows? I’m already too damned tired.

Mary Kate – the Olsen Twin who has managed to recently prove that she’s more interesting than her sister by a country mile - was under fire yesterday because the media were implying that she was probably responsible for the OxyContin in Heath Ledger’s body at the time of his death and she didn’t want to be interviewed by the FBI unless she got immunity from potential prosecution.

Today she’s released a statement saying that she “had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger's home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them".

So, why doesn’t she want to be interviewed by the FBI like everyone else?

I genuinely don’t know but I certainly hope it’s just because she likes to create ridiculous drama wherever she goes because I’d find that pretty damned entertaining and she’s on a bit of a roll with that kind of thing right now. Good on her for really putting new stuff out there. I mean, the twin thing could only have sustained her for so long and it’s good that she’s actually stirring things up.

Meanwhile – I swear to God…rumours that Justin Timberlake could host the Academy Awards were bad enough but a post-humous Oscar for Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight? I mean, come on. The Oscars really are hanging off the dorsal fin right now. Ok, wait – I’ll actually see the film first and then I’ll decide but really… [source]