The Reluctant Whore

And it begins…

The Telegraph in the UK has run a piece on who may be dating uber-Olympic champion masterpiece Michael Phelps because, lets face it, he can now basically date anyone he wants.
Isn’t that an interesting thought; he can now DATE ANYONE he WANTS.

The type of fame he has now achieved is internationally viable and it ranks up there with old survivor world leaders and movie stars like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Plus, the fact that he’s done something relatively easy to understand; he can swim fast coupled with the fact that he’s a male sportsman who genuinely doesn’t hard core CHASE the spotlight itself means that he’s completely marketable. Western culture loves it when there’s no unattractive angst, ego or complex, non-physical elitist intellectualism or language barrier to contest with. Plus, he’s not that facially attractive so more people will trust him as one of their own. At the end of the day though, he just swims faster than anyone ever. Everyone loves that. It’s not confronting, it’s just like he’s a soldier; selflessly achieving so that we may have pride and people who have nothing to live for love that. Not to mention the inevitable insane body he has which brings another dimension to it as well.

It’s almost certain that ephemeral zeitgeist Paris Hilton can sense his solid, irrevocable fame and is currently Febrezing her snatch and pegging up the loose ends at this point as she begins to aim her groin at him like some kind of fame/whore magnet but according to the Telegraph “Two girls have recently been linked with Beijing's eight-time gold medalist: US swimmer Amanda Beard and British model Lily Donaldson.”

You’d think that it would be hard to figure it out who to date if you were Michael Phelps whose life is made up of fixing his car, swimming, eating and sleeping. Amanda Beard, however, is an Olympic athlete AND Playboy model so, I’m unsure what about that wouldn’t work for Phelps. He’s got the necessary empathy of a like-minded colleague AND a teenaged fantasy pin-up girl.

I can’t figure out what exactly model Lily Donaldson would have on Beard. Mind you, it would be interesting if we forced them to fight to the death to figure out who would win Phelps. Clearly, Beard would snap Donaldson’s frail skeleton in half with her forefinger and thumb but it might be fun to watch. Plus, it would be equally as great to put Paris Hilton in a sound proof box near the boxing ring and not let out or her be heard as the fight goes on. That way she’d be able to see what she couldn’t have and she might just eat herself. That’s sort of what all this was headed toward for me. Paris Hilton’s self cannibalism. [source]