The Reluctant Whore

Week #10 in Review

At the Texas and Ohio primaries, Senator Hillary Clinton managed what many thought was an impossible feat and actually won more delegates than Senator Barack Obama thus ending his winning streak and enlivening her flailing campaign. The two Democratic senators remain in the race for the US presidency and on the Republican side, Governor Mike Huckabee dropped out leaving the Republican candidacy to Senator John McCain. While this was happening, it was announced that actor Patrick Swayze has 5 weeks to live due to pancreatic cancer.

Showmother Dina Lohan, it was announced, would premier her new reality TV show in the summer, a show about how she is trying to get her youngest daughter, Alli Lohan, famous. Her other daughter actress Lindsay Lohan will apparently not be involved in the show. Meanwhile, following on the from the New York Magazine spread she appeared in where she recreated the final photo shoot of Marilyn Monroe by appearing naked, Lohan attended an exhibition of photographs held in New York that featured shots of all of her tattoos.

Pop star Madonna, it was announced, is to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame but will not sing at the reception as every other inductee has done since it began. She has chosen to be serenaded by Iggy Pop and to have Justin Timberlake speak about her instead, Bravo’s new TV show “The Real Housewives of New York City” premiered and after the showing multiple New York society women were overheard in the bathroom of the venue complaining about how bad it was, ex-super producer Lou Pearlman, the man who created *Nsync and the Backstreet Boys plead guilty to multiple counts of fraud and began selling his possessions on ebay, and fashion designer hopeful Christian Siriano was announced as the winner of season 4 of the reality TV show “Project Runway”.

Ex-zeiteist Paris Hilton was photographed consulting with a man who looked very much like an eastern spiritual guru named Maxie Santillan who, it turned out was just an actor whose angle was looking the way he does, the ex-zeitgeist’s sidekick Nicole Ritchie was poised to appear on the front cover of People Magazine with her new baby and it was expected that she would help to sell more copies of the magazine than when pop star Christina Aguilera did the same thing, the derivative television program “Cashmere Mafia” was rumoured to be getting the axe and Jackass star Steve-O was arrested for physically destroying his own apartment in LA.

Rock star Amy Winehouse was photographed with quite large sores on the side of her face and it was reported that the sores were a result of an infection called impetigo but then later in the week it was suggested that she actually put a cigarette out on her face when asked not to smoke in a restaurant, Senator Hillary Clinton appeared on Saturday Night Live opposite comedienne Amy Poehler who has famously performed a parody of her, US Vogue Editor Anna Wintour took in a basketball game at Madison Square Garden as the guest of pro-basketballer LeBron James and it was announced that Victoria Beckham would be starring in her own reality TV show based on Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares except that the focus would be on fashion.

Pop star Jessica Simpson and the Pussycat Dolls were scheduled to perform in Kuwait for the troops fighting in the Middle East and they were also not being put up in a hotel rather, they would be sleeping in tents and bunks like the troops themselves, the music video for Janet Jackson’s new single “Rock With U”premiered and after stealing some cutting room floor offcuts featuring Britney Spears, Hills star Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt released a single which appeared to be a duet between Montag and Spears but Spears had no idea that the song had been produced until after it came out.

In Extraordinarily Odd News, scientists discovered that the Antarctic “cod” Notothenia corliceps, an Arctic water dwelling fish actually hibernates when the water gets too cold while in the US, President Bush congratulated Senator John McCain on becoming the Republican presidential candidate by serving him a lunch of hot dogs at the White House and South Pasadena in Los Angeles announced that it was a non-swearing zone.

In the UK, a 101 year old man named Buster Martin ran in Roding Valley’s half marathon and announced that he had plans to become the oldest man to run the London Marathon, eight British soldiers were forced to return home from their posting in Norway after they reportedly stripped naked and urinated on each other while in a bar, in Europe, the body of St. Padre Pio, one of Italy’s most famous saints was exhumed last night to be prepared for public veneration next month and the world’s first “Hexapus” – a genetically mutated octopus that only has six legs was found off the coast of Wales and was named “Henry”

A Benedictine monk in western Germany was caught stealing a collection of gay porn DVDs and was later found to have 230 pornographic DVDs in his collection, 150 Dutch women took part in the annual stiletto sprint down Amsterdam’s most famous fashion street hoping to win around $15,000 and state run pharmacies in Sweden announced that they would begin to carry dildos and massage oil after a survey revealed that these were the products most people wanted.

In the Middle East, Professor Benny Shannon of the Jerusalem Hebrew University published his theory that key events of the Old Testament were actually records of visions experienced by Israelites who were high on hallucinogenic plants while in India sixty chefs cooked a traditional rice dish weighing 13 tonne in a bid to enter the Guinness Book of World Records, and in Nepal a controversial young Nepali girl who was worshipped by many Buddhists and Hindus as a Kumari, or “living goddess” gave up her position at the request of her parents who wanted her to have a normal childhood, Chinese parliament opened in China amid a flurry of colourful gowns and spectacle and in Vietnam launched a crackdown on hamsters, even though they are considered wildly popular pets. It was feared that an influx of the foreign bred rodent would potentially cause harm to crops.

“Destroying them all is a really big problem, agriculture ministry official Nguyen Thanh Son was quoted as saying. “I think the Vietnam animal health department should take some samples, conduct tests and see how dangerous the hamsters in Vietnam really are.”