The Reluctant Whore

I woke up with a shocking start at 12:12am and I thought it was the calcium magnesium tablets I took before I went to sleep but actually I just realized it was the Lopez twins entering the world. J Lo gave birth to her twins; a boy and a girl, this morning at like 12:12 and 12:23am at the hospital on Long Island she had re-designed and decorated and set aside for this perfect moment. For some reason I could sense their celebrity twin presence and therefore I don’t think it’s unwise to consider that they may in fact be infant heraldic beasts.

Yeah, so…apart from the heraldic beast thing, the only part of this that really interests me is speculating about what she said to Marc Anthony while she was in the throws of labor and what she looked like while she was lying there sweating and pushing. I cannot picture Marc Anthony doing anything else besides cowering in the corner while she screams at him in a voice that is suddenly an octave lower than what it normally is.

Plus, there were probably mandolin players who were painted white standing in the corner attempting to play soothing evensong on white painted mandolins. She shipped them in but then ignored them and they concealed their fear well. One of them peed his pants but didn’t move.
Then, once the children were born she looked down at her post birth body and hysterically shrieked, “FIX IT! FIX IT!” and then passed out. When she’s asleep is when Marc Anthony is able to relax. That’s when his shaking stops.

It’s good that there are twins because at least they won’t be alone at night when the terror of living with J Lo hangs in the air like the mist of the Amazon jungle. They can plot their escape together as well. Like, you know, “You distract her and I’ll start the car…” It’s kind of a slow news day as far as I’m concerned. [source]