The Reluctant Whore

Alright…brace yourself for high art; Heidi Montag’s new extraordinarily classy music video is out now. I’m sort of numb after watching it actually because it’s hard to even try and go sarcastic on it.

It’s so great how relationships in Hollywood often end up just being about the husband pimping out the wife. I mean, Pam Anderson for one and I’m pretty sure there’s no real doubt about how Spencer Pratt is Heidi Montag’s pimp.

My favourite part of it is noticing the actual sincerity in her’s and Pratt’s efforts to become high impact moguls, although of course, Montag’s dream is to become a musician. Because she’s an artist at heart. The chronic forced optimism that covers her deadly emptiness is also enchanting. She’s thin and tanned and she’s had silicon shoveled into her chest but I’m not sure, there’s something missing. What could it freaking be?

Meanwhile, while the video is clearly meant to be a distraction from the music, it’s hard to not notice the high school grade synthesizer intro and the fact that it’s already remixed into a clubby dance track to maximize the remote possibility of it getting airtime. Still, maybe they’re being gracious. I mean, maybe the idea here is to only really put it on late at night in a nightclub when everyone is completely obliterated. That level of numbness is required before you listen because if you’re not packed to the hilt with some kind of buffer between you and the music or the music video the numbness comes afterwards anyway.

Right now, for example, I’ve lost all feeling in the right side of my face and the thought of food makes me nauseous. Plus, I'm afraid of rats. All of a sudden, there are rats. Around me. Scurrying. They're scurrying and nibbling. Eating the carpet. They're eating the carpet. I can't see where my feet end and where the carpet begins. Maybe they're eating my feet.

See what happens?