Now that Marilyn Manson has a new album about to drop, it’s time to check in and get a good solid dose of authentic darkness from the Anti Christ Superstar. It’s really for our own benefit too because when you listen to his new album, Eat Me, Drink Me in a few weeks (the one you’re eventually going to hopefully pay 11.99 for at your nearest Virgin Records), it’ll ring true on a whole lot of levels and will feel like you’re buying a musical portrait of the blood, blackened with self indulgent sadness that has been squeezed out of his veins to make the album in the first place.

So, in many ways, it’s time to thank Page Six for bringing our attention to his plight. They quote him as saying:

"Really, I haven't left my house in a year. I shut myself, literally, out of being with people . . . I didn't want to live. When you want to die, you at least have a goal," the shock-rocker tells Britain's Observer. "[Dita] didn't understand the amount of pain I went through."

Well, he didn’t leave the house except to record the new album, meet with Polydor executives to make sure it was marketable, to see the 19 year old version of Dita von Tees, Evan Rachel Wood, who he’s currently dating and who appears in his newest music video where they’re apparently actually having sex - which he also left the house to film .

Although, they’ve denied that it’s actual sex – probably to keep the album-buying parents just

enough on side to cough up the cash for kids who don’t work. And besides, it’s really just more fun to not know for sure and to let it all merge into the mystery and mythology surrounding that catalyst for highly stylized, self indulgent gothic performance that is Mr. Manson. If you think about it too much it doesn’t cut to the core of your soul. Your misunderstood, unhappy, rebellious teenaged soul. Stop thinking, believe and buy. [source]

Hi, welcome.

(clasps hands and smiles leaning head slightly to the side then starts walking forward)

Let’s pretend we're vastly wealthy idiots who also have a female g-spot; that is to say we're pretending to be vastly wealthy idiots who are women, if you will. Now to set the scene for the game - basically we've just finished up spending vast amounts of cash on procedures such as having the dead skin eaten from our bodies by tiny fish , having our hair soaked in testosterone and protein rich bull semen, painting our nipples a brighter shade of red, having the freckles burnt off our arms with ointment that killed fish and burned idiot c-list celebrities on TV in China, having the years of chronic pointlessness that have shown up as age spots and wrinkles on our faces melted away with cripplingly expensive face cream that contains pure gold and placenta extract and keeping our metabolism up by washing with caffeine enriched soap, we still have a billion dollars, only half a brain cell and outrageously, our lack of purpose hasn’t quite melted away.

The game is: what happens now? Hmmm, what’s to do, what’s to do? What we're really looking for, and indeed seriously need, is a totally inane type of sexual pleasure enhancing plastic surgery that several real doctors have actually spoken out against and on which no respectable research has been conducted that costs several thousand dollars. After all, sex has always been a major weapon in our undying quest to avoid ourselves. Next to high tea, internet shopping and arbitrarily orchestrating the downfalls of our closest friends

WAIT! Here it is! Kick ASS! FOUND IT! It’s the G-Shot!

For a mere 1850, Dr. Justin Salerno in California will inject the g-spot with silicon thus heightening sexual sensation noticeably. Sounds like just what we're after! Let's sign up without hesitation!

And look, while it could easily cause upwards of 68 horrendously intrusive side effects including endless sexual arousal or totally abolished sexual arousal (it’s a nail biting gamble! Which way will it turn out?! Try it and find out for yourself!) and one of the first things the website advertising it asks us to do is legally acknowledge that we understand that it’s probably going to be a nightmare to deal with in 4 months and that we won’t sue – the reality is – it’s something to do in between forgetting we have children at college, downing prozac with glasses of champagne at 10am and finding the concept of self analysis and organic self discovery too time consuming and messy.

Did I mention we are a vastly wealthy idiots who are soon to have ginormous and alluring g-spots despite the outrageous healthy risks? I meant to. [source] [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



Because of all the rape, incest, general sex and staggeringly offensive violence in it, a flood of complaints have been made in Hong Kong against the Bible. Well well well. My how the tables of culture and morality are turning this week. Paris Hilton gets to experience the flip side, Jerry Falwell is probably burning in hell and now this. Best part of this is the quote from the local minister: "If there is rape mentioned in the Bible, it doesn't mean it encourages those activities," said Reverend Wu Chi-wai. "It's just common sense ...” but how do we know that for sure? The safest bet – for the children – is all out banning. Do we really want to take the risk that the reverend is wrong? [source]



The Shenzhen Intermediate Court in Guangdong province is under fire for corruption in general but interestingly enough, one of the charges is that the court hired a Feng Shui master to rid the court of bad luck. Considering they are currently under investigation, wouldn’t it be a safe bet that either the court didn’t hire the guy or he was a fake. Gosh, you’d hate to be that Feng Shui master right about now…let’s hope he’s convalescing in Majorca right now. For the air quality. [source]





Indian Train passengers were asked to get out and push when the train they were riding simply stopped. They had to push the train 4 meters so it would again touch the wired above that carried electricity. It’s interesting what constitutes the solution to a problem in India as opposed to New York City. It’s a safe bet that the Indian passengers did and the brushed themselves off, climbed back on the train and went home that night with a charming anecdote that they could dine out on for years. New Yorkers would have been caught up in the moment, all pitched in, high fived each other and then the minute they’d eventually arrived at work phoned a doctor for a medical examination, their lawyer to ascertain the potential for a lawsuit and the newspaper to make sure they could sound off about it. [source]

Jeannette Walls is reporting through MSNBC (speculatively) the full, bleeding heart melodramatic tragedy that was Britney’s mother’s day and all the elements are there to make it one of the most perfect celebrity gossip stories since Paris was sentenced to jail. Admittedly, the time between the two is really only about 2 minutes but that makes up 2 minutes of having to sit here without at least two streams of top quality vicarious celeb gossip to obsess over and frankly 1 minute alone is enough to kill an ox so thank crap for Brit.

Anyway, turns out that in her post divorce alcohol and drug fueled meltdown, Britney not only dated the wrong men who seemed to want to fuck her and then sell the story for tens of thousands of dollars to the tabloids, she also kept parceling out the blame for her rehab stint and everything else more or less to her family and manager. Consequently, when Mother’s Day came around what did Britney do for her mother? Well, nothing. Nothing at all. She didn’t call and she didn’t go and see her mother. How shocking and also appalling. It’s easy to feel like you’re a better person when you look at what Britney just did to her mother.

But wait. There’s more. Britney’s mother is currently in hospital. Sick. With pneumonia! It’s extraordinary!

Mother’s Day! A Mother’s love rejected! Hospital! Sickness! Neglect! Celebrity! Meltdown! Wigs! Who could ask for anything more!

The sadness is melting away and it feels like forever. [source]

And once again we’re presented with yet another horror story about what Paris Hilton can expect from jail. Yet again, it's from someone who knows from personal experience as Page Six reports all the horror that high class hooker Natalia McLennan remembers from her own time in jail and some requisite advice about how to survive. And it's frightening and psychological torture and weirdness and dark...ooooooOOOOOoooooo

My my how the tables have turned on Ms. Hilton in the most predictable way imaginable. Could she be any more the embodiment of pure celebrity? One minute she’s celebrated for being the effortless embodiment of all ill conceived, vicarious escapist American desire and is paid just to show up and act ambivalent and the next we’re not only laughing while she’s down; we’re also kicking her in the neck and pushing her face into the mud.

In between the relentless published warnings and horror stories are the ones like the one from yesterday which is based on the fact that Paris’ therapist says she’s a total wreck. And he’s a therapist so it’s conclusive not just gossipy spectulation from one of her half conscious rich kid friends. So, when it comes to press coverage you ultimately have either advice to Paris from people like Patty Hearst and Natalia McLennan about how Paris will need to watch her back in the prison showers from the heckling beastly lesbians and will need to prepare for the shocking food or you have her therapist professionally vouching for how fucked up she is right now. Either way – the stories are anchored in propagating and proving that Paris isn’t doing well now and just how bad it’s going to be for her which is inherently about cashing in on the evil side of the type of celebrity that is Paris Hilton. It’s Yin and Yang; it’s simply not possible for a concept like Paris Hilton to exist in the manner she does and to maintain that status without weathering a little mob turning public beating and prison time every now and then.

Be Warned: Jail is simply the incubator though. Sure she’s upset about it and sure it’s going to be unpleasant but after Paris goes in, she’ll metamorph into a celebu-beast even more powerful and multi-faceted than ever before. Imagine: a skinny, tanned, blonde heiress that is easy to project heterosexual male desire on, who acts up at parties and who now has a certain level of depth because of her introspective time in jail. A certain rough, street cred if you will. Depending on how she acts when she comes out of the clink – as in, depending on how she wants to play it with her publicist – it’s not unreasonable to suggest that Paris Hilton may well be going in a girl only to come out a weapon. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



An elephant in Alaska named Maggie is so depressed that firefighters were called in to lift her. She’s a 25 year old African elephant so living in Alaska is proving to not be conducive to the elephant’s health. Regardless, firefighters were asked to get her to stand up, no doubt to animate her in one of the biggest, elephant based re-enactments of Weekend at Bernie’s ever staged. Why? “Get out there and dance Maggie…DANCE! And keep it perky, dammit” That’s why. Ok wait – screw that. Sad elephants are among the most heart wrenching things ever. Fuck the Alaska Zoo for forcing her to stay there when she’s obviously been displaying signs of depression for a long while before this. The report said she has been the only elephant in the zoo since 1997. Everyone knows elephants are insanely smart and emotional. What the fuck is with keeping an elephant so isolated? [source] [source]


The now bankrupt Japanese city of Yubari managed to offload two melons for the reasonable price of approximately US$12,000. Because when you’ve got nothing else to sell, you whip out the melons, slap a price tag on them and try not to cry while parading them around. Someone in the article is quoted as saying that less extravagant Yubari melons could be bought for around 5,000 yen but frankly, who would want to see less extravagant melons? In fact, what actually constitutes an extravagant melon? Jesus, what the hell is going on? [source]




Fort Hays State University has just awarded a Bachelor’s degree to the world’s oldest student, 95 year old Nola Ochs who studied history and now plans to go back and study more. Well, for her it wasn’t so much history as it was re-telling what, for her, was once a series of current events. Kudos to you Nola Ochs for not just giving up cause you’re old. [source]

The prominent smile of “Ugly Betty” star, America Ferrera has been insured by a tooth product company at Lloyds of London for ten million bucks and she’s apparently flattered. She’s flattered because that’s what her smile is worth to them and they don’t want to have to suffer the massive loss they’d suffer if she had her teeth smashed in with a hammer or if she took to a heavy regimen of coffee, cigarettes and red wine. How inconvenient that would be and how reassured they must now be that no matter what happens to her, they’ll be well taken care of.

There’s no better way of really getting down to the gritty, soul confronting reality of what makes up the bulk of why a celebrity is famous than seen what they decided to insure. While America Ferrera, from all accounts appears to have been insured by a third party for their benefit, other stars like Dolly Parton have insured body parts in case they lose them. Dolly Parton, for example, gets over half a million bucks if her breasts…who knows…deflate? Who cares - just take care of it ahead of time.

Cause at the end of the day, there’s an awful lot of appeal wrapped up not SO much in the creative work they actually do, but, on a really grunt level – in a physical attribute. Like Jessica Simpson or Pam Anderson. Anna Kournikova was never THAT great at tennis but she sure got a lot of attention because of her breasts. That's why it's not shocking that she insured them, rather than say her tennis elbow for 2 million bucks.

It really must be confronting to have to face the reality that your appeal, when you get right down to it, boils down to an eyelash or a nipple and – commercially speaking – sometimes not much else. It's interesting with people like David Hasselhoff though. Clearly, he couldn't really boil his appeal down to one specific thing to insure. It certainly couldn't have just been his alluring physique or his critically acclaimed work over the years. Maybe that's why he drank so much. It was all the stress of wondering what ONE part of him his appeal was anchored in. Too many choices. [source]

Sophia Loren, 72, has offered to strip down to her unmentionables if her favorite Soccer team, the team from Napoli, manages a few wins over the next few weeks. Apparently they haven’t been doing so well in recent years and Ms. Loren thought it might be a good idea to get helps the kids out by offering to get nude.

The rare brand of youthful appearance afforded to 72 year old Loren has got to be both the product of genetics, a top quality surgeon ie, not the kind found in the back room of a warehouse in Harlem that is frequented by tranny hookers who go back and forth between man and woman depending on when funds are available and generally aim for “veneer” of woman seeing as the whole thing is just too expensive. No, Loren goes nowhere near those face ruining hacks. She’s had top quality work done over the years and that combined with the strategically veil-like hair, the fine line blurring, half face covering sunglasses and the flowing frocks that mask her aging frame – she looks like a matriarchal chandelier.

It feels like maybe the whole set up of Sophia Loren’s campaign to remain ageless is about as fragile as an intricate and towering sculptural cake from that Cake challenge show on the food network where the chefs have to make the towering concept cake out of sugar and pound cake and marzipan and then they have to carry it across the room and most of the time the top just crashes to the ground. One quick gust of wind might undo thousands of dollars and decades worth of work on Ms Loren’s face and all of a sudden she’d just be a quivering mass of dried, tanned flesh with a posture that sits comfortably at about 90 degrees. Consequently, all credit to Ms Loren for her efforts but she may do well not to terrify sports fans in Napoli by taking her clothes off. Unless she only faces forward so we can’t see the clothes pegs on her back, pulling it all tight but even then it’s sort of pushing it. [source]

Weathering the "aftermath” of the self commissioned video footage of David Hasselhoff drunk on the floor of his own bathroom trying to eat a hamburger, the Hoff works the angle for all it’s worth by saying,

“I just wish I’d used a knife and fork to eat that fucking burger.”

Yeah, you say that now, Hoff, but when you were sitting there on the floor on your bathroom, drunk and so desperate for attention that you’d actually get your own kid to film you on the verge of a galactic, Malibu and coke scented Technicolor yawn –at this point a knife and fork would have taken away from the drama of it all.

Lazily shoveling food into his drunken face with half assed pleas from his kid to stop drinking seemed to do the trick when a salivating Entertainment Tonight took it, plastered their logo all over the footage a safe and convenient three months after it was shot. Incidentally, what was the footage doing for three months? Maturing in a cave?

Three month later, the Hoff can prove he’s rehabilitated (at least for the time being) and NOW he can make hilarious, light hearted one-liners about the knife and fork. In fact, making light of the fundamentally horrifying footage is phase two. Phase one – get kid to film self drunk and being a dumb ass drunk jerk. Phase two – get over alcoholism for the time being, release footage to media and make light hearted fun of self while media covers the story. Which then leads on to the anticipated Phase three: get critical acclaim as actor from work offered due to coverage on ET.

It’s a shoe-in. Now, we’re just waiting for Phase Three to kick in. Any minute now…

[source]

Avril Lavigne is whining about Britney Spears again because, well, for starters Avril Lavigne’s entire public persona is based on whining, but apart from that, right now everything has been thrown out of whack for the corporately constructed anti-Spears because through her public breakdown, Britney seems to be racking up more “authentically fucked up” points than Lavigne ever had.


And let’s face it, without a squeaky clean nemesis to bicker about and define herself in relation to the Lav-ster basically ceases to exist. Oh, what a shame. So, quickly coming up with a new angle after her rancid, contrived, heavily styled album came out, Av wants to do a film. She could never do a Britney Spears deal like “Crossroads” or whatever the fuck saccharine shit flick Mandy Moore did though. She’s far to edgy® for that.


No, she couldn’t make it look like she was just multi-tasking. It would have be a gritty, envelope pushing vehicle through which she could be pouty, anti-establishment and stay up past 10pm and where she could fail to understand irony and no one would punish her. She suggests something like “Girl, Interrupted” but really, what she wants is a film where she gets to hang out with a gang of ex-Abercrombie and Fitch boys who all wear torn up jeans and eyeliner now because they were made to clean their rooms and they’re just fed up with being pushed around by their parents. They travel around in a combi van solving mysteries and they get into karate fights. Avril would sometimes actually do the stunts for real. But only when her husband was being a dick and she really felt the rage.

Oh God…that’s right, she’s actually married. Ok, I need to stop. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



Brochures that guide Catholic pilgrims to the Fatima shrine in Portugal for some quality soul washing (a Catholic shrine commemorating the first time the Virgin Mary appeared to some shepherds in the hills of Portugal) are currently peppered with ads for hookers and aphrodisiacs and the resulting kerfuffle is the stuff quality HBO dramas are often built on. The thing is, when you strip away the emotional reaction the “saddened” shrine people are having it’s probably some stellar work on behalf of the advertising guru who booked those ads. If you’re a sex worker or you’re selling some chopped liver that is supposed to pep up libidos your best bet are Catholics that have just traveled all the way to a holy shrine. They’ve probably just confessed, done their token penance, the guilt’s been washed away and now they have a clean slate upon which to rack up some really good solid iniquities. Which ones? Well, when you’re on holidays paying for sex doesn’t count so…[source]




So, topping the list of inane purchases, well, actually still second to the time that woman in Hong Kong who shelled out 20 million bucks for an antique tea cup a fascinatingly bored kadrillionaire from the UAE just quelled the soulless boredom and paid $6.8 million for a license plate that has one number on it. The number 5. Oh, ok. No problem. If it had been 4 then no way. But 5? Definitely worth it, there’s no doubt about that. Actually, seems like it was a real steal. Now, how about you pay a half a million bucks for a good hard kick in neck. [source]




German national soccer team captain Michael Ballack and Bayern Munich goalkeeper Oliver Kahn are each getting 50,000 Euros after a company marketed dildos using their names without their permission. So, basically, the sex toys – which the polite Bloomberg people won’t describe but we can only assume were dildos supposedly taken from a cast of the two players – were named the Michael B and the Oli K which is just similar enough to resemble the players’ actual names and probably sold well and truly beyond the 100K payout. What straight male soccer fan from Europe wouldn't secretly buy a product meant to be the exact phallic likeness of a macho hero? That's right, only some of them, meaning that essentially everyone wins in sex toy based identity theft. [source]

Page Six reveals that, surprise surprise, there was fighting tension backstage between Linda Evans and Joan Collins in the play "Legends" - recently playing to ironic acclaim in LA.


Gosh, couldn’t see that coming.


With Joan Collins, it seems like a formula. Well, two. It seems to start out with an actual earnest attempt at dramatic creativity then, minutes after she’s on stage or in front of the camera, the same earth shattering memory jolt – the one that kicks her in the face and reminds her again why she’s never done any critically acclaimed work.

“That’s right!” her brain recalls with a certain kind of relief. “This is always so embarassing and difficult because there's no talent inside this body! Oh, that’s right…we knew it had to be something big. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget about what you’re capable of when you spend so much time having your skull lifted, stapled, vacuumed, twisted, taped and painted! Ok, so what now?”

And it’s at this point, with nowhere to turn to avoid the crippling horror of who she is, the gorgon within emerges, enraged. In short: the unpleasantness unfolds.

Then, she lets out her true self. Namely, a bitter, angry, maddeningly narcissistic, demanding, needy freak-diva who just cannot accept the fact that she’s not a sex bomb any more and will hammer her own skull and the skull of any one near her to rid herself of the rapidly approaching, unavoidable age that is showing on her temples and in her neck flab. And so she acts out and pushes another diva into a pool or throws a vase.

Paradoxically, because it’s a gesture that comes from somewhere real – ie. her own terror at looking at herself, it resonates as authentic so people respond. Well, acidic, bitchy queens and bored, frosting fat housewives certainly do – that’s for sure. [source]

Candy Spelling is firing off open letters to people who look like they’re in trouble – first there was that hair advice to Larry Birkhead and now it’s Paris Hilton. Is she bored? Vying for an advice column or reality show of her own perhaps? Maybe after the birth of her grandson, that maternal sense that’s kicked in again after it was dislodged during a routine eye lift and then more or less shut down during the will fights with Tori.

Whatever it is - all of a sudden, Candy seems to have a certain sense of purpose that massive amounts of money and public feuding with her daughter couldn’t quite provide and it’s all happening via the press of course.

Here’s the letter:

Dear Paris,

As someone who has known you for most of your life, I pay special attention to your press coverage.

(Apparently, I'm not alone, based on the responses every word about you creates on TMZ.com and elsewhere.)

Paris, I'm very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, "I don't read," to your new lawyer's tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility. In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in jail?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you.

People who are rich and famous are not treated like "regular" people, even though you claim to now be just like everyone else. In most situations, your privileged life works to your benefit. You have opportunities, access and resources like few others; and frankly, you can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could even imagine.

However, as the real possibility of jail approaches -- whether it's 21 days or 45 or whatever the latest report is -- it's time to get real. It's time to find "a Paris" somewhere between "heiress" and a character on "The Simple Life." I know she's there, and I know she can be a good citizen and maturely face consequences other people would have to face under the same circumstances.

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can't think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.

Best,


Candy Spelling


Look, advice aside; the thing is, while both probably are from the same circles in LA and Candy probably could fill in a few of the gaping voids in Paris’ brain left by Kathy and Rick Hilton, what appears to bond them on a really basic level is that when deciding to have eye work done they both clearly opted for the same cut price, back room in Chinatown, Parkinson’s stricken plastic surgeon/amateur sushi chef. Look at these two photos! Both look like they've injected speed into one side of their heads. Either that or they both just love the early work of Stanley Kubrick. [source]

Week #19 in Review

While the president was busy making it look like he was uncomfortable in white tie at a White House dinner for Queen Elizabeth II, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in the clink and she blamed her publicist, Elliot Mintz, for not explaining to her that she wasn’t allowed to drive while her license was suspended. As soon as her sentence was announced, friends of Paris started petitions to present to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on the grounds that because Paris is popular, she should be spared jail.

Lindsay Lohan was photographed doing cocaine in the bathroom of a club and the News of the World published the images along with a transcript of what she was talking about; namely how she was going to go to New York to hook up with Jude Law. Lohan’s mother, the self defined “White Oprah” more or less leveraged her daughter’s notoriety to get a gig reporting for Entertainment Tonight from the red carpet of the opening night of her daughter’s new film, Georgia Rule.

Shocking the hell out of the world again, Pete Doherty made headlines again for being arrested on suspicion of possessing class A drugs and Brad Pitt announced that for his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, he would be employing the services of an ass double so he doesn’t have to reveal his own ass. P!nk, it was revealed, was asked to change the lyrics to one of her songs in order to be included in the American Idol charity show and refused so she performed a different song on a different date, Prince announced that he will be performing several concerts in London and once they are done he will take time out to read the Bible and, it’s more than likely, to figure out how much money he’s made from releasing a fragrance called 3121, after his 2006 album and heterosexual music producer David Gest announced that he would like to lick the space in between Amy Winehouse’s teeth because he loves her.

A total of 110 new bus drivers were hired in Milan and of those 110, a total of zero had bus driving licenses, a German man was found in his apartment having been dead for a total of 7 years before anyone noticed and Benedictine monks were gearing up to sell jams and preserves with cheeky titles like “Pear and Apple Angelic Jam” and “Zesty Lemon Unfaithful Jam”.

South Korea ceases all local government awards given to the government employees who manage to drink a lot, a German man killed his own father with a knife and then picked up a chainsaw and sawed his own head off and the Sudanese man who got drunk and had sex with a goat one night and was then forced to marry it breathed a sigh of relief as Rose, his goat wife, died.

Israeli drivers were revealed to be more callous than perhaps previously thought when a motorcyclist lay dying on the side of the road and cars repeatedly drove by ignoring him, Cocaine Energy drink was banned by the FDA after a year of being on the shelves because calling a product “Cocaine” is illegal unless it is cocaine in which case it’s illegal as well but for different reasons and a British man who was told he would soon die of pancreatic cancer went out and spent all his money and was then told he was more than likely not going to die and so he sued the hospital who mis-informed him.

The Japanese scrapped a health information campaign that extolled the virtues of breast feeding and enforcing parental control over what children watch on TV because it was considered “too intrusive”, police in Port Moresby found themselves in a gunfight with a human flesh eating tribal cult, hospitals in Milan removed crucifixes from their walls in an attempt to make non-Catholic patients feel more comfortable causing a backlash from right wing politicians and Spanish police stopped a tetraplegic man who was driving his wheelchair on the highway controlling the device with his chin and when they questioned him they found out he had gotten lost on his way to a brothel.

British manufacturers of the sex toy called the Love Egg had to alter the disclaimer on the device’s box when it was discovered that the remote control element of the device used the same radio frequency as the military in Cyprus. Instead of just a simple description of the device, the box now says:

“Deceptively powerful matt silver love egg. Not for use in Cyprus.”

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



A poor old, dead, rotting German man was finally found dead in bed after seven years of being dead. And rotting. Apart from what this indicates about the crippling loneliness that must have plagued him while alive coupled with the screaming silence that is German society’s indifference to him specifically, perhaps everyone should look on the bright side rather than endlessly look for ways to say mean, dark things. He’s probably more sexually popular now than ever before. [source]




A remote control sex toy that has come out of the UK cannot be used in Cyprus because the exact radio frequency it uses is the same as the military there. Meanwhile, the great thing about this is that the manufacturer simply put a warning on the box: Deceptively powerful matt silver love egg. Not for use in Cyprus. So, sadly, if you need a matte finish love egg in Cyprus this ISN’T the one you should buy. For everyone else, thank goodness for disclaimers. Still, it’s a real dream come true for anyone with a sexual fetish for S and M on a global scale. Get off in the supply cupboard safe in the knowledge that not only could you be caught but that while you’re doing it the entire nation could be attacked with no defense. [source]



A campaign in Japan that extolled the virtues of breast feeding and singing lullabies to newborn children has been scrapped because those two things are considered “beyond intrusive”. The campaign was to include introducing the idea of taking control over the amount of TV kids watch and what they watch as well. It really depends on what lullabies are being sung though. Because if you opt to don a Brunhilde helmet and blast arias from the Ring Cycle at full volume towards sleepy children it might be just what they need to get to sleep so really, what we learn here is it’s really a case by case thing. [source]




Not a LOT of prior planning or, indeed, rational thought went into a robbery that occurred at about 4am in Inwood, West Virginia. When a man wearing blue women’s panties on his head, brandishing a small cigarette lighter in the shape of a gun (just to back up his insistence of being the one in charge at the moment of robbery) walked into a convenience store and demanded money – he wasn’t taken seriously. It’s truly astounding that that could BE the case but it really is in fact true. You know, maybe the robbery was more about mis-directed sexual fetishism than money. Maybe he just wanted people to get to know the real him. Namely: a man interested in wearing women’s underwear on his head with a penchant for tiny, novelty lighters. We can all relate to that right? [source]

F-list L.A. fuckwad pseudo PR professional and celebrity hanger on Spencer Pratt has jumped on the save Paris Hilton bandwagon. Through his very own myspace profile of course. Must route all press to self. Could a desperate ploy for attention be any more cripplingly obvious that a spot light grabbing innocuous, sympathetic take on Paris Hilton’s jail sentence?

So far we’ve only seen idiot fans and half conscious contemporaries of Paris head up petitions to get her out of jail – after all she’s the popular girl at school so her tagalongs are also her mignons. The only time actual celebrities have responded or taken a position on the Hilton jail term is when someone like Mary Hart forcibly exhumes a response from them while at an unrelated event and they’ve got a camera in their face. Or some b-list wannabe from Dancing with the Stars slurs a resentful diatribe at a TMZ camera man as they stumble out of a club at 3am. Pratt seems to be one of the, if not THE first person to actually independently champion the cause and it’s so obviously about advancing his media clout. And that makes him an official god damned fuckwad. Pratt was quoted as saying (and we’ll break it up for dissection as we go):

"I've always thought (oh, come now…this is actually the first time you’ve technically “thought” isn’t it?) that the punishment should fit the crime (ah yes, and you came to that understanding from your years of relentless analysis of how judges parcel out punishment, haven’t you?) Paris has changed her image dramatically over the last couple years (how? She’s still a chronically entitled, narcissistic, spoilt, party girl whose entire appeal stems from her unapologetic indifference to responsibility). Now she is such a good role model and a smart businesswoman. (oh, wait, you’re absolutely right. NOW she is. And you’ve really presented a well considered case explaining why) So it's a shame that a miscommunication between her and her people is landing her in jail. (well, it’s a shame but it’s also entirely reasonable considering that her life is in fact, staff aside, HER life) She should get probation with community service, (yeah, you’re right…again, we can only assume your understanding of the legal system stems from the relentless analysis of it mentioned before so a suggested sentence from you is as good as legal advice) but no way should she be put in jail with real criminals. (And a real criminal would be what, Pratt? Someone who takes something they’re not really entitled to? Like the spotlight for example?)"

JESUS – get some talent and then DO something with it, Pratt. This statement of intent is remarkably similar in tone and approach to the way George W Bush seems to respond to the Alberto Gonzales hearing. After relentless bipartisan bludgeoning of Gonzales at the hearings, the president merely offers up a bland, unaffected (by obvious fact, apparently) statements of support that offer up no evidence of actual involvement in the situation itself.

But maybe getting some talent is far beyond what Pratt is capable of. After all, you just know someone’s bound to be a really down to earth, centered, calm and honest human when their resume is chock full of blurred, mindless and indifferent fluctuation between crap seemingly scripted reality shows that follow self obsessed LA fuckwits around as they obsess over themselves and stints as a PR type manager, publicist who merely brokers the media clout in return for free drinks and a seat in a VIP booth. Because that’s all it’s about at the end of it, free drinks and no waiting in line. It's an easy line but seriously; Pratt by name Pratt by nature. [source] [source]

Apart from anything else, can we just look at the fact that Prince is 48 years old and he still looks about 20? Ok, that’s done.

Regardless of his apparent muse-like transcendence of age, he’s still got to keep it hot, keep it happening. Marking a distinct departure from the recent outbreak of celebrities who enter rehab to gain what appears to be a basic combination of street cred and public forgiveness and obviously publicity, Prince may well be joining the ranks of such publicity seeking celebrity pioneers as the contemporary owner of “death” Anna Nicole Smith, by stating that along with playing 21 concerts in London and releasing a fragrance in July with the same name as his album last year (just to keep the old 3121 ball rolling) he will then take time off to study the Bible.

He’s releasing an album-themed fragrance and then taking time out of touring to study the Bible. Even though Prince has been a Jehovah's Witness for a while this isn’t a weird-assed Stephen Baldwin, Kirk Cameron “I’m a Christian now so don’t think about my ass” move. He’s not being an evanglical freak Christian. Just gonna read the Bible.

Cue: Midwest America to jump on the Prince bandwagon and do anything he says.

So, once you’re done affordably seeing him in concert, you too can adopt the Prince lifestyle by sitting down with a copy of his CD, adorning yourself with a few quirts of 3121 and reading the Bible. Rock concert, CD, perfume, Bible. It’s a totally bizarre progression that reads like the premise for a sitcom. [source] [source]

The extravagantly beautiful and heterosexual David Gest is a heterosexual man. It’s just as we all knew and never doubted. In line with that heterosexuality, he’s at it again with those vastly necessary graphic descriptions of his heterosexual fantasies; this time with Amy Winehouse. He’s been quoted as saying:

"I would kiss the mole on Amy Winehouse's face and every tattoo on her body and I'd stick my tongue in the gap where her tooth is missing. I love her."

A while back, after interest in the shocking wedding photos had dissipated just minutes before the actual marriage to Liza did, just as we, the public, were perhaps forgetting that he was heterosexual as he paraded about with his gayer than hell earrings and oddly wax like face, he blessed us all with a little tale of what he’d get up to with Liza. Sexually. Just in case you forgot, here’s what he said:

"Donald Trump said to me that night I have never seen a kiss like that in my life. I was so excited and so in love that when I took my tongue it looked like I was eating a part of her because I went all the way through her mouth. It looked like I was a shark going in and I took every part of her mouth out with my tongue. And it was like a nine-minute kiss. When I saw it three months later when we were in bed I took the covers over me. I was going: 'Oh my God, Liza!'"

We can only assume they cut out the end of that quote where he went on to say,

“…my HAIR! God, I think I need an eye lift….tell me the truth…do I still look cute?”


Rest assured Mr Gest. not only is there no doubt whatsoever about your heterosexuality there’s also no doubt that if anyone wants to really focus on becoming a successful bulimic all they need do is eat a hearty lunch and ask you about your physical infatuations with women. Because he’s bound to have so… many being such a heterosexual. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



Just like a good old fashioned bout of imperialism from the end of the 18th Century, Papua New Guinean police found themselves in a gun and…well, spear or arrow or catapult that propels poisoned shrunken heads - fight with a local tribal cult that practices human sacrifice. Apparently, police were ambushed and the cult members went on a killing and burning rampaged. This news is of course tragic but what the article also mentions is that in Papua New Guinea, women are often killed as witches and that kind of terror based patriarchal sadism is always intriguing. Who knew they still literally happened. Obviously, witch hunts still happen in essence everywhere but literally? There’s nothing like a good witch hunt to keep the kids under control. [source]





- Running on the from the witch hunt reference in Papua New Guinea, a hospital in Milan has taken down all its crucifixes to establish a more secular ambiance, particularly for people who aren’t actually Catholic that come in for treatment. Obviously, catholics think this indicates a complete demonic possession of the health care system in Milan and are crying tears of blood and of course the media are generally saying it’s to appease the religious bullies of the schoolyard - Muslems. We haven’t had a good hard core religious tension argument in a while so it’s nice to see one back. [source]






Ok so there’s so little of this story out of Spain that hinders it from being the perfect dinner party anecdote, it’s almost criminal. Spanish police stopped a tetraplegic man in a wheelchair, obviously, who was riding along the highway. He was driving by steering with his chin. It wasn’t like Stephen Hawkings, this man drove with his chin. But it’s not one of those “Oh, look at the crazy wheelchair bound guy driving along the highway stories.” No, it’s not just that. The guy had driven several miles and had gotten lost on his way to a brothel. He was nowhere near a brothel when found on the highway so there’s no essential reason why the brothel part of the story needed to be told and then reported in the international media but it nevertheless was and as such, it’s almost entirely perfect. He had to get to that brothel no matter what.[source]

In a lot of ways, P!nk is a less crap, slightly less needy and only sometimes humourless version of Arvil Lavigne. Both seemed to emerge as the anti-Spears to make money of teenaged girls who like pop but are angry at their parents and therefore couldn't like Britney, Jessica Simpson or Haley Duff.

Consequently, just as it’s difficult to actually take it seriously when Avril Lavigne mouths off about how she beat up some dumb ass guy who just wanted to make out and then not sit with her at lunch in high school(you can’t censor her!), it’s sort of difficult to believe that Pink’s recent outrage at American Idol for wanting to censor her is anything more than a condition on her rider. For some reason this next bit reads better if you sound like a Sybil from Fawlty Towers.

Ok, Pink will need three bottles of Poland Springs water, some gummi bears, a box of Fruity Pebbles cereal, some Flintstones band-aids (Bam Bam and Pebbles on them please!) 6 different metallic pink Sally Hanson nailpolishes, three different shades of pink lipgloss, and a glitter pen.

Also, Pink requires a little public fight at the beginning with corporate styled producers of American Idol who should insist that she change her performance because they want to protect the audience from her confronting song lyrics. The fight should last no more than a day, in this case may I suggest that we let it be known that she was too edgy for the charity show but that she’s agreed to sing a different song for the next episode before we proceed as planned with the song test audiences indicated they liked best from the research we did last week before we let them go free. [source]