The Reluctant Whore

Minutes after Beyonce and Jay-Z got sealed their functional, weird, Freudian showbiz union - which should last until Beyonce starts to appear wearing dark sunglasses with bandaids underneath them in the middle of the night and she finally discovered Buddhism, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have announced they’re getting married.

They said the following to the Friendsandenemies blog:

"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I," she wrote with Wentz in a joint statement, posted late Wednesday on FriendsorEnemies.com. "Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged."

Simpson and Wentz have a different kind of co-dependent union to Beyonce and Jay Z. They sort of represent opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of pop cultural aesthetic and they help each other exist more clearly in the public eye. I mean, Pete Wentz and Fall Out Boy haven’t actually been that edgy since they went on a national tour sponsored by Honda (actually, who knows…maybe the selling out began before that but suffice to say it did begin) and Pete himself had to appear in People Magazine explaining why it was ok for guys to wear eyeliner but he had to call it "guyliner" so it would't alienate his straight male fan base. If there is such a thing. The entire thing reeked of calculated PR word manipulation.

Ashlee on the other hand has to walk an even finer line between being the forcibly punk-ish younger sister of her blow it out of the water fake, blonde, “appeal centered on her breasts” idiot Republican failure, Jessica Simpson and a plastic product herself. Ashlee’s music was still basically just squeaky pop when she started but she had black hair and wore black and her guitarist had a Mohawk. That hasn’t stopped her from releasing her own line of cute, sweet Sketchers shoes and getting a nose job to make sure she looks like anyone else.

So Wentz and Simpson together are a complex tissue of trying to be totally commercial and plastic in order to cash in and trying to maintain an identity as individuals who are emo enough to seem like they have something to actually say.

I mean, I was at Wentz’s bar the other night and it’s totally contrived and apparently no different from the way previous owners had it. So, with the bar you just get Wentz buying a piece of East village grunge and not touching it…he just adopted its edge as though it’s his own.

Plus, I like the idea that Ashlee Simpson is the new Yoko Ono. If only everyone cared enough about Fall Out Boy to hate her…

Having said all this, I admit whole heartedly that Pete Wentz is smoking, god damned sexy. It’s unavoidable. He’s walking sex. It’s like he’s the male version of Scarlett Johanssen. [source]