The Reluctant Whore

Argentine soccer player Gaston Aguirre killed a pigeon with a single shot -- right off his foot. "I kicked the ball and, poor pigeon," the San Lorenzo defender said. "Now I will be remembered as the pigeon killer."

I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that this reminds me of the time Rob Lowe was playing golf in Iowa and the ball he hit not only killed a bird mid flight, it killed a Goldfinch, the state bird. No one could really pin that on Lowe because it’s pretty unlikely that a person could calculate killing a bird inflight with a golfball. I mean, he would have to be some kind of God to be able to do that and Rob Lowe is not a God.

unless...

No. Rob Lowe is NOT a God.

This situation with Gaston Aguirre is less “interesting” because pigeons are vermin of the air who sometimes hobble around on stumpy, fungus infected stump legs and have terrible cases of scaley face which I’m sure is the bird equivalent of leprosy, at least aesthetically. In that sense, because they are less attractive and are lower on some kind of bird niceness scale, it matters less.

Additionally, with sentences like “I kicked the ball and, poor pigeon” Aguirre sounds mildly neanderthal – not unlike, if you will, the good natured giant in “The Princess Bride” who was played by Andre the Giant.

SO – ultimately, it’s bad luck that Aguirre killed a bird by killing it but he should take heart. With notoriety like this he could get enough press to warrant his own reality TV show. It could either be a show about poor children learning to play soccer or it could be about how long he can survive while trapped in a cage filled with very angry and possibly forlorn pigeons. That show would be called “Payback: it’s Pigeon time” and every week would be the same half hour distillation of the full 38 minutes Aguirre spends in the cage per week to pay off his karmic debt. Commentary would be provided by Katie Price and the President of France. Only. [source]