The Reluctant Whore

MTV in the UK reports that Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce has started to really gather some momentum. What that means is that the people who hang out with the two of them are probably being offered big money to spill dish on anything to do with the reality of the marriage.

Madonna is one of the most controlled people ever in the sense that everything she does is completely calculated and there is often very little room for spontaneity. Recently, though, she’s been letting herself slip with random statements like “In exactly 29 moves, the Queen will dump the King!” to an audience in New York and now Ritchie has been quoted, through a secondary source, as saying that making love to Madonna was like cuddling with a “piece of gristle”. Which it no doubt is. After all, she’s 50 and trying to live like 30 year old. The amount of gym work she must do is probably directly proportionate to the amount of panic she feels over being increasingly less in control of the inevitable decline of her body. Aren’t her breasts insured for a million dollars each?

Even though it would seem that Guy Ritchie has been emasculated because he is dating a hard core control freak feminist icon, what does he have to lose in dishing on her? He’s got money, he’s got no real reputation besides the few films he’s made and frankly, keeping the discussion about the breakdown of his marriage going can only really help the film he’s currently working on publicity wise. And yet, Madonna has spent her entire life making sure everything happens flawlessly. He could totally dish on her as a freaking contemporary Joan Crawford type and make a mint. He could make a film about her and Mira Sorvino could play Madonna. Alan Cumming said he was at a dinner party with Mira Sorvino and she said that some actress wouldn’t make it in the big time because she didn’t have what it takes to stay thin. Mira Sorvino sees herself as someone who has what it takes to stay adequately thin, however. That’s what she and Madonna probably have in common. Where is Mira Sorvino now anyway?

So, in short, while it’s tragic that they are divorcing, the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna seems like it will prove to be an opportunity to see what Madonna is really like and so far we have the image of a sexless piece of “gristle”. Write that up on the chalk board under Madonna, please.
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