The Reluctant Whore

Week #3 in Review

While no end to the ongoing mental collapse of pop star Britney Spears has been in sight since her demise began over 18 months ago, this week certainly upped the ante when it came to specific erratic incidents. TMZ.com set up a live webcam to capture her arrival at a court hearing regarding the custody of her children so that when she did arrive they could avoid tiring minute by minute posts. After that, it was reported that Spears and her apparent boyfriend, paparazzi photographer Adnan Ghalib were out shopping in Studio City where he, ironically shoved a photographer to get out of the way, that Spears was seen walking into a Betsey Johnson store in LA, getting undressed in the change room and allegedly having sex with Ghalib behind the curtain as well as walking out from behind the curtain naked.

It was rumoured that Spears was considering marriage to Ghalib as they made a trip to Mexico which involved several diversionary flights to throw off the paparazzi and to apparently arrange a Mexican divorce for Ghalib. Later in the week, Spears and Ghalib were seen buying a pregnancy tests and reports surfaced that Spears has been talking on and off in a British accent which then prompted rumours that she is suffering from multiple personality disorder. The pinnacle point of the week came with specific reportage from unnamed sources through TMZ.com that Britney really is suffering from multiple personality disorder, that the Associated Press has updated its obituary of Spears in case it needs to be used immediately and x17online.com published photos of Spears getting out of a car smeared with menstrual fluid.

The battering of popstar Jessica Simpson continued this week as well, as it was reported that Simpson’s father and manager, Joe Simpson may have actually tipped off the paparazzi as to where Jessica and current boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo were vacationing in Mexico while the entire idea that Jessica Simpson is a bad omen was pushed even further when the New York Post hired a Simpson lookalike to stand in the crowd and act as though she were Simpson to throw the Cowboys off their game and they lost.

Rapper Fitty Cent was scheduled to interview ex-zeitgeist Paris Hilton for the “Myspace Celebrity Artist on Artist Program”, it was revealed that actress Lindsay Lohan’s community service would involve work a morgue and an emergency room and footage of actor Tom Cruise talking about Scientology and accepting an award at a Scientologist Award Ceremony surfaced revealing him to be even more unhinged than previously considered.

Television doctor and associate of media mogul Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil came under fire for going to see Britney Spears in hospital as part of his show without her consent and as a result rumours circulated that he had been fired and had his license taken away, Food Network star Rachel Ray reportedly demanded, while on the set of a Dunkin Donuts commercial, to be given “her” coffee; a cup of Starbucks, actress Charlize Theron said that if it weren’t for smoking she would never have had a bonding moment with writer Paul Haggis who created a role for her in The Valley of Elah.

TV anchor, Diane Sawyer interviewed actress Katie Holmes on Good Morning America asking her 9 minutes of softball questions despite the fact that a controversial book about her husband Tom Cruise had just been released prompting critics to question whether or not Sawyer was pandering to Cruise’s lawyers, supermodel Naomi Campbell was rumoured to be dating Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, and porn actress Jenna Jameson vowed she would “never open (her) legs again for this industry” at an awards ceremony for the Adult Film Industry.

Actor Brad Refro, star of The Client and Larry Clark’s “Kids” was found dead at 25 of a suspected drug overdose.

In oddball news, scientists in Uruguay found the fossilized remains of a rodent that weighed one metric tonne and walked the earth 2-4 million years ago, Russia’s military offered compensation to a homeowner after a small rocket veered off course and hit his country house, and in Belgrade a human skull was for sale at a flea market with an asking price of 100 Euros.

In China, the traditional roast duck chain Quanjude announced a plan to use electric ovens instead of wood prompting public outrage and French car manufacturer Citroen apologized to China for running a full page advertisement in a collection of Spanish newspapers using a picture of Mao pulling a wry face.

In Europe, it was reported that Switzerland’s famous Cervelat sausage may be taken off menus by the end of 2008 due to a lack of necessary ingredients, excommunicated African Catholic Archbishop Emmanuel Milingo went to Rome and unveiled a book that promoted the idea that Catholic priests should be allowed to marry, the Nuremberg Zoo announced that it had chosen the name Flocke for it’s latest polar bear cub celebrity after 25000 people wrote in with their suggestions while a German man accidentally threw himself out of a third storey window along with a Christmas tree during a late night attempt to dispose of his festive decorations.

A study conducted in a UK hospital reported that all 250 children interviewed claimed that they found clowns frightening and in response to that announcement several clowns shot back that the study was inaccurate.

In the US, Stanford University released results of a study that proved that people like wine better if it costs more, ex-cop Paul Soto of the NYPD was denied an accidental disability retirement package because he is morbidly obese, a survey done by Playboy found that both Republicans and Democrats are not as good at sex as Independents, a reality linked to the current political climate and residents of Stephenville, Texas reported a UFO sighting.

“People wonder what in the world it is,” said a local pilot and freight company owner. “This is the Bible Belt and everyone is afraid it is in the end of times.”