The blog ‘In Case You Didn’t Know” is reporting that uber-emo Pete Wentz will be appearing in “Californication” with David Duchovny. They write:

“Duchovny’s character, the troubled writer Hank, will see Pete at a pool party hanging out with the show’s resident teen, Mia. Pete will tell Hank how much he enjoyed his book.”

If that’s it, why watch the freaking show? They gave us all we needed to know. I never got into that show anyway – there are too many other quality shows to commit to and I’m already so damn tired.

Well, hang on. If Pete is sitting by a pool then it seems like the potential for him to be shirtless (and maybe even pantless) is higher than if he, say, did a guest spot on Seventh Heaven. Oh, actually probably not. Wait, is Seventh Heaven around? If ever there was a show that embodied the hypocrisy of American culture it’s Seventh Heaven. So, Pete could be by a pool and shirtless and that’s fine by me.

But the thing about this is, when it comes to actors singing it’s rarely a good idea and the fact that they often do that is a sign of crippling unbridled ego and an army of enabling yes-men. When it’s the other way round it’s not AS bad. Bon Jovi wasn’t so bad in Sex and the City and also – even though she’s not a singer, Mary Kate Olsen wasn’t bad in Weeds. Actually she was pretty good.

If Pete can push down the inner douche and get his flat ironed hair to stay put then he might just be ok. I would love to see him doing exaggerated actions to every word he says. The director kept trying to tone Pete’s ridiculous acting down but Pete only heard what he wanted to hear which was, “You’re a totally amazing actor and everything you shit is art…keep going”. Sort of like Chris Martin. I'm pretty sure that at some point Chris Martin has tried to feed his own shit to his and Gwyneth's child but the maid stopped him. She beat him away with a chair leg and he quickly scurried away to another room. He really thought that was the way to pass on his genius to Apple. That maid was a trooper but she was probably fired.

So, just to recap, Pete Wentz might be shirtless on an episode of Californication. Naked even. No, that’s just going too far. [source]

Page Six is reporting that good old worn out international whore of un-mystery and fading zeitgeist, Paris Hilton, was told she may not buy any more puppies by The Puppy Store on Melrose Avenue in LA. She went in to buy a puppy because she was going to be in a photoshoot and she wanted “to look cuter” but they knew the deal with Paris Hilton and puppies and refused to allow her to destroy the lives of any more puppies. I mean, look at the photo above. It's just fucking moron Hilton and a morass of fur. Confused, neglected, uncomfortable puppy fur.

Apparently, "She started screaming, 'I love my puppies! I want my baby!'" Page Six reports and you know, I feel a certain fulfillment over that. I like the idea that Paris Hilton was denied something on the basis of a general concern for life. Rumours have circulated for ages that she just gets puppies and then forgets about them and one of her housekeepers found a dead puppy in her closet and that is unacceptable. Maybe one day, a puppy will find Paris Hilton dead in a closet and then that karmic debt will be repayed.

But you know, dead Hilton aside, it’s good to have the old diseased whore back in the news. It’s turning out to be a week of old favourites with K-Fed getting some pointless award yesterday and now Hilton being denied puppies. It’s just like it was last year with relentless following of Hilton and Spears. Those were tiring days. There was so little difference in the story each day but you know, we still read about them.

Today is a good day because it’s a day when Paris Hilton told she may not gratify a mindless impulse. She’s probably at home crying to her mother and screeching abuse at her circle of friends and domestic staff but still, it’s good that she experienced that. [source]

The New York Post reports that Elliot Spitzer has just been awarded the Ultimate Sugar Daddy Award as part of the first Annual George Burns Memorial Sugar Daddy Award by the VIP Men’s Club in Chelsea. His prize includes a pound of sugar, a year’s worth of free lapdances at the club, and an unlimited supply of testosterone pills. Errr…what a prize…yay!

The part about this that was interesting to me was actually the list of other honorees. It’s an auspicious list that includes Woody Allen, Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Hugh Hefner and Bill Maher. All are men who apparently “have a penchant for women 20 years or more their juniors."

The club goes on to describe that "Sugar daddies are an icon of baby boomers - older men who use their money shamelessly to date younger women in a perpetual search for the fountain of youth,"

Which is probably true when it comes to everyone but Cruise. HE dates women in a perpetual search for marketability in the fly over states and to kill those “uncomfortable feelings inside”.

Tom Cruise is really loving himself sick right now for being on that list. Any money says that right now he’s at home excitedly jumping up and down while intermittently smacking his head on the wall saying “all my work is finally paying off…they truly believe me…they truly believe that I like women”. And of course, his publicist would have sent the VIP club in Chelsea a box of cannoli and an earnest note asking that Tom be included and they finally conceded. After all, there are a whole legion of women who still entertain the notion that Cruise has a functioning sexual identity in general let alone the fact that they still believe he likes women. Why not cash in in the fly over states?

I would really hate to see Tom Cruise on testosterone though. Unless he was used as a weapon. Juiced up Tom would be insane. It would be as fascinating as a spider that was given LSD. They spin spherical webs, you know. They just keep on going and it works out as a perfect sphere. It’s incredible. [source]

Oh Look! Billy Ray Cyrus went in The Today Show and is still talking about the Annie Leibovitz shoot and this round of needless damage control now involves the troops. Excellent! When in doubt and you need to boost public opinion, just invoke the troops! They’re untouchable and once you align with them, you’ll be untouchable too! Hooray!

Plus, lets face facts, the Vanity Fair shoot is all anyone can think about a good month after it happened so it’s great that he’s there to relentlessly explain the extent to which it’s not his fault that his daughter was photographed in a position which infers sexuality despite the fact that she’s under aged. It’s a good thing. I love that he is there to clear it up because I definitely can’t sleep over it at this point. I mean, the fact that no one can get their story straight about which adult was there and the fact that it’s so completely not a huge deal because it was for Vanity Fair not “Completely Illegal Teenaged Whores Magazine” and that the shots were taken by Annie Leibovitz and not some sweating obese Arabic man who works part time as a cab driver in New York City and shakes back and forth when he takes the photos doesn’t make any difference. There’s a problem and Billy Ray and his personality defining hair are there to clear everything up.

And clear it up he has. After all, he was off to entertain the troops. The Troops! Terrorism! Fear! Aging! Obscurity! Attention Seeking! Child Abuse! Lesbian Photographer! The War! The Troops! It’s all there – thanks to Billy Ray Cyrus. Excellent work, sir. You are the embodiment of America and it wasn't your fault. Now go out there and get paid. [source]

So, just like Britney, apparently doing absolutely nothing at all warrants an award for Kevin Federline simply because by comparison to what happens when they do something, doing nothing is an heroic act.

US Magazine reports that K-Fed has been named Father of the Year by club Prive in Las Vegas – no doubt a coveted award because every father that steps into the place is clearly on a high impact campaign to win that award as well.

Only last night as I sat in the cinema watching the travesty that is The Happening as I ate jell-o and whipped cream that I took into the cinema from the outside (that’s right, FUCK YOU overpriced cinema snack bar), I kept myself busy by wondering what had happened to K-Fed. It seemed like he’d really taken his lawyer’s advice which was obviously to stay out of sight while Britney was having her public meltdown so that she dug her own grave thus maximizing his chances of winning more money in the custody battle but he’s really been gone too long.

It’s for that reason that I’m glad he won this wonderful, completely legitimate award pertaining to fatherhood from a freaking nightclub. It has brought him back into the public eye. Now all we need is another sparkling, extremely engaging single from Mr Federline and everything will be completely back on track. Britney is up for an Emmy nomination for her non-vomiting role on “How I Met Your Mother” and by that token, there’s really no reason why he shouldn’t be considered for this award, a career in music and perhaps even a Papal knighthood.

Bless everything and everyone who made this award possible. [source]

While it’s always a life altering delight to read his name in print, I’m never certain why Lance Bass is THAT viable as a press topic. The New York Post has reported that Bass’ exs, Brazilian model Pedro Andrade and hairdresser Ben Thigpen have hooked up. Well, goodness me! I’m barely interested in this story because I think that Lance Bass, while good natured and sweet, isn’t that interesting but I will say this; the fact that there’s a gossip item about two virtually unknown people having hooked up because they dated Lance Bass means that it’s a pretty sad and slow day in the world of gossip.

Also, I sort of think that this story is a metaphor for the kind of cultural impact Lance Bass has. He exists and then somehow something happens next to him and the combination of that event and the recollection of his proximity to Justin Timberlake means it makes the news.

I went to Vienna with Lance Bass last year and it really struck me how uninteresting he actually is. I met Pedro before they met and Pedro was really unchallenging as well. He also works behind a bar, he’s not necessarily a model all the time. When I realized how bland Bass is I figured they might be a perfect match.

To Lance’s credit, he did reveal that he has quite nice thighs at the Bravo Awards with Kathy Griffin which was at first surprising but then sort of not because I quickly realized that he probably has great thighs because he has to supplement his personality with something marketable.

Poor Lance Bass. He’s just not that interesting. Lucky he’s worth millions. [source]

Last week, viewers may remember that our favourite crack head pop star Amy Winehouse was offered 2 million dollars to simply get on a plane to Russia, get off the plane, sing a couple of numbers and then …actually that was it. Would she make it on the plane? Would she continue to thwart her own success even more than she already has by being incoherent due to drug use? Is it unlikely that she would have bathed before she got on the plane? I, for one, have been sitting in mind altering anxiety all weekend waiting for all to be revealed. Who could HONESTLY predict how this was going to turn out? Certainly not ME!

So, here we are and the Daily News HAS reported on what happened (thank goodness!) . It turns out that the answer to all my questions ended up being a resounding and reassuring YES! She DID make it on the plane, she did turn up completely incoherent, she did forget to bathe (probably).

She turned up and was so out of it that her handlers, who one can only reasonably assume are super human, part robot, ex-military personnel that are gluttons for punishment were forced to try and pull Winehouse’s head together by giving her sips of Coke. Ah…yes. Well, coke might have been the medicine but I’m fairly certain she wasn’t doing sips of it. Badda BING! Gosh, they don’t write lines like that anymore.

Anyway, so the other visceral treat Amy Winehouse gave the audience was a glimpse up her short dress to reveal that she wasn’t wearing underwear. What a moving experience that must have been for the 25 year old gold digging Russian whose birthday it was.

Truthfully though, this kind of unhinged spectacle is the product Winehouse is selling. She’s selling ‘unhinged skank” as much as she’s selling her albums. No doubt the Russians were thrilled. They got the show they were after.

Personally, I’d like to see a lovely elderly matron from the upper east side hire Winehouse to sing something from La Traviata but to honestly expect it to be a charming, refined, tea time experience. That would be really hilarious to me because that woman and all her friends would faint at once after crying out in their deep voiced, matronly manner at the shock.

Sort of like stupid old Mrs Kravitz from Bewitched. Why did Mrs Kravitz keep fainting at the same old thing? I just wanted to grab her by the collar and scream, "Listen, your neighbour is a pre-feminist witch. Get over it. Go and make friends with her, then dump your dumb ass husbands and go on a lesbian road trip together like Thelma and Louise." I mean, that makes sense, right? If anyone gave them any shit they could just do the nose thing and everything would work out. Stupid Mrs Kravitz. She spent her entire life fainting and lying down. What a waste of time. So, just to recap, Winehouse made it to Russia but was still a crack head. [source]

Celebitchy is reporting that Joel Madden, of Good Charlotte fame, has decided that he can’t marry Nicole Ritchie unless she converts to Christianity and confesses all her sins. He can have a child with her but he can’t marry her.

They write:

As The Enquirer reported last week, Nicole has had trouble coping with the stress of motherhood. “Joel thinks God will be the ultimate answer to her problems,” continued the source…. “As much as Joel loves Nicole, and is dedicated to being her rock, he feels like their marriage would never work unless they are on the same page with their religious beliefs,” added the source. “Bottom line, he wants a Christian family.”

Christians who are really successful in mainstream pop culture are always fascinating to me. You really don’t get to that point unless you’ve managed to side step some landmines, and felate some record producers. I mean, not that all talented people are whores but there’s a lot of negotiating of what is acceptable and morality is a very gray area. I always love it when someone comes out as a strict conservative Christian and they’re an actor. I just don’t get it.

Not that Nicole Ritchie is really in any better position as far as values go. In fact, maybe she should join a cult. Yes. Good. I like that idea. I like the idea of Nicole Ritchie becoming a nun. There will be so much less noise if she does that. Excellent work Mr. Madden. Drag her into your lair of fear and keep her there. [source]

Page Six reports that Naomi Campbell was the bridesmaid at a wedding last Friday when a close friend got married. She apparently even gave a speech which was hilarious and gosh, isn’t she just a lovely and normal woman.

Is this the best her publicist can do to soften her public image as a beautiful yet violent gorgon? Plus, the part that really amazed me and that still has me stumped is the part that suggested quite clearly that the woman who got married was a CLOSE FRIEND of Naomi Campbell. I mean, WHOA! Slow DOWN Einstein. Naomi Campbell has actual friends?

How does THAT work?

Actually, I’m sure she’s lovely when people aren’t constantly and unreasonably trying to ruin her life by selfishly expect her to follow the basic, exhausting procedures of first class air travel. Yes, she’s probably a riot and I bet she makes a mean three layer dip. She even makes it the day before if you give her enough notice. When you do that the flavours seep out more. I’m not a fan of beans but I do like the top two layers. That’s right. I’m the guy at the party who wrecks the dip. I just don’t understand the appeal of legumes. [source]

Page Six reports that the suspiciously good looking Mario Lopez of “Saved by the Bell” fame, who doesn’t look a day older than when he was on TV as an 18 year old, was just passed over for a 2(x)ist Underwear campaign because they chose a younger, hotter guy named Nick Adams. Look at the photo above. Lopez is on the left, Adams is on the right. You can see the difference in arm hotness. Wow, even his NAME is hotter. I mean, sort of.

Also, the name Adam for me will always conjure up images of a naked guy. I have Christianity to thank for that.

Anyway, wow, how CRUEL of Page Six to hammer this out. I mean, the underwear contract part is just business so you have to not worry about it but the actual column item is, by virtue of the fact that it was printed, actually really cruel and Page Six doesn’t let up on poor, adorable Lopez.

The report begins by detailing how, in a manner not unlike Joan Crawford – no exaggeration I’m sure, even though I really have no idea but it should be fine to assume – Lopez has insisted that Adams be covered in a hoodie when he’s in certain scenes and that he not have his arms showing either. Then, all of a sudden, after all the competition, Adams totally trumped Lopez.

The thing that more or less makes this ok, is that it reveals that Mario Lopez clearly knows his strength. He’s just like Vin Diesel and Matthew Mcconaughey. Even though he can read the lines and blah blah whatever he does on screen, the fact that he’s still employed is remarkable anyway but if and when he does get a job, the primary reason he’s working is because of his rockin’ bod. A girl’s gotta protect her main assets.

I say “girl” because really, this is the gayest catfight story to hit the news since Boy George and George Michael and Elton John started lashing out at each other. Poor Mario. I have no doubt that he’s on HGH. I mean, a career based on meat has got to be really stressful. Maybe he should try St. John’s Wort. [source]

A couple of months ago, right around the time that Jamie Lynn Spears was found out to be pregnant and there was a huge scandal, the Spears mother Lynn Spears had to indefinitely postpone the release of her book about how to be a great parent when your kids are wannabe celebrity pop stars. What a shame. Now that the horror has died down and Jamie Lynn’s boyfriend is sticking by her and now that Britney has stopped losing her mind in public for attention, the book seems to be back in the realm of possibility.

Before the “unpleasantness”, the book was to bear the essentially gentle title “Pop Culture Mom” and it was to talk about how she learned to be a good mother despite the pressures of Hollywood blah blah blah.

After the unpleasantness the title has been changed to Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World". Isn’t that just DARLING!? I also love that Lynn Spears is essentially marketing herself as a source of information about raising kids when it’s clear that the only time that Britney stopped freaking out was when her father took over everything and roped her in. Where’s his book? I would actually prefer for him to be writing that book.

Lynn Spears is, however, more than likely just another Dina Lohan but she knows to shut up more. Best quote ever from People Magazine:

Lynne never stopped working on it because she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes.
Yes, that’s what she wants. [source]

Here’s Forbes Magazine’s list of 100 most powerful celebrities. I mean, the whole list is after the jump but here are the top ten:

1 Oprah Winfrey $275 million
2 Tiger Woods $115 million
3 Angelina Jolie $14 million
4 Beyonce Knowles $80 million
5 David Beckham $50 million
6 Johnny Depp $72 million
7 Jay-Z $82 million
8 The Police $115 million
9 J.K. Rowling $300 million
10 Brad Pitt $20 million

None of that is really SO surprising except maybe The Police. Obviously Oprah is that the top. She is a patron saint of western culture. Almost. She lacks the stunning beauty that Angelina Jolie has that confirms her position. Angelina in that respect is more powerful. She is, after all, part jaguar and Oprah is a mere mortal.

Last on the list is Paula Deen who I am convinced is one of those smiling, giggling, laughing, fun, Republican voting cannibals who carries a hand gun and has destroyed assistants through verbal assault behind closed doors.

These lists are great because they put the chaos into perspective and they keep it clean and perfect. Clean and perfect is what I desperately need. [source]

OK! Is reporting that Britney Spears could very well be up for an Emmy for her role on “How I Met Your Mother”. Totally. Bitch doesn’t throw up or menstruate on herself in public for 10 minutes and she gets nominated for an award. How American.

In fact, why don’t we nominate her to run with Barack Obama as the VP? Why, she’s pretty enough. She’s had media experience. She’s good at wearing boots and she hasn’t had a car crash or meltdown in several months now that her father is at the helm.

To be fair, she’s one of 41 actresses on the list that gets whittled down to the final 4 or 5 so there’s still a large margin for rational thought to step in and make it all ok. I’m just not convinced LA culture will facilitate rational thought though. I mean, Jennifer Hudson for Christ’s sake.

Stupidest thing ever. She was a gimmick, she stumbled through her lines, it was cute and she was better than I thought she was but JESUS get it together. She isn’t worthy of an Emmy. Stop. Everything. Now. [source]

Page Six reports that Amy Winehouse is about to be paid 2 million dollars to perform in Russia for Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich. All she has to do is stay essentially coherent, get on a plane, get there, sing a couple of quality numbers and then bow. After that, she can easily retire. Watch her fuck it up.

Actually, I have this sneaking suspicion that Winehouse may be like Courtney Love in this respect. I have this sneaking suspicion that she pulls it all together when she absolutely has to. Like, when no cameras are around as will probably be the case with thiss private gig. Nina Hagen is like that. She acts like this ethereal self absorbed muse but if it gets difficult, she pulls it together. I just remember when Courtney Love was asked to present at the Academy Awards and she glided out from backstage in a light pink silk gown, her face fresh and full, her smile and eyes clear of intoxicants. I was pretty unimpressed.

The thing about Winehouse is that she must be completely loaded but she never looks it. Where on earth does all her money go? I suspect it’s either spent by moochers she doesn’t notice or it’s all just sitting there in the bank. If it is sitting there in the bank my suggestion would be that she perhaps lend some to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt so they can finish decorating the house they just bought. I refuse to believe they can completely afford what they’re buying. It’s ludicrous.

Actually the other day at the gym I thought that maybe if they used it as a tax write off and based their business in the 60 million dollar mansion they leased it might end up being a better deal than if they bought it. That was an option I came up with.

In short, maybe Mr Abramovich is a glutton for punishment or maybe he likes a challenge. He probably does. [source]

Page Six reports that Madonna’s brother Christopher Ciccone has been writing a tell-all book about Madonna and 350,000 copies are planned for release. Madonna and her brother apparently haven’t been talking for a while – I heard it was because he refused to get involved with Kabbalah – but he was apparently there for what a source has described as “the messy years”. Oh well, Christopher Ciccone has only a limited time left on this planet now, I guess. He won’t survive this. No one could. The image above is of Christopher Ciccone. I guess that's Madonna under the jacket.

Actually, I think MAYBE Anna Wintour or Meryl Streep might be able to go up against Madonna and be a formidable opponent. I’m not completely sure but I suspect they could. Or Mia Farrow but she’d use alternate and unexpected weapons of assault. Her advantage would be that’s she’s quite small and could duck around and quickly run between Madonna’s legs and make her fall over. Mia Farrow is a pretty intense and lively, wiry woman.

The thing about this is that if the book makes it out then Madonna’s cover will be blown and the entire thing will be blown open. Madonna’s entire career has been a genius collection of smoke and mirrors and media technique. She’s a fascinating woman but she isn’t who she tells everyone she is. As a result she’ll start to loose her power even moreso that after she released Hard Candy. What a difficult album that is.

And the thing is, Madonna almost got through to retirement without ever having a public meltdown or freak out or drunken mess explosion. She almost did it all without a real mistake. Now, she and Dan Rather might have something more in common than they previously thought. Christopher Ciccone will die for this, certainly, but it’ll sure wound Madonna. This will be like a pop cultural apocalypse. Am I being melodramatic? Come on…this is hilarious. [source]

TMZ reports that Billy Ray Cyrus went on KIIS fm with Ryan Seacrest and dragged out the old Annie Leibovitz is a bully topic AGAIN and I’m already so damned tired of it. God, I’m tired of Billy Ray Cyrus. I was tired of him WITH a mullet, I’m tired of him now that he has his “we need to update your image” haircut.

Of course, the thing about this is that clearly someone has ascertained that the multi-million dollar industry that is Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus has been damaged by the press surrounding her Vanity Fair shoot and so they’re still in damage control.

The fact that Annie Leibovitz has said basically nothing about it the entire time essentially confirms to me the Cyrus camp are just milking this for all it’s worth publicity wise and they’re also the cheap, crap party in this. Leibovitz doesn’t have to apologize, she’s above the needy celebrity squabble.

The entire story surrounding how the photos were taken at all is completely unclear as well. The Cyrus camp maintains that there was always an adult with Miley when she was being photographed and yet Annie Leibovitz apparently bullied her into posing that way. It just all reeks of nervous, greedy scapegoating. Stupid ass Cyrus people. They should be grateful anyone would want to photograph their tired assed flash in the pan asses at all. [source]

Bless the UK’s Sun. And not just for being a reliable source of some of the basest journalism available. No. I would like to thank them right now for bringing forward pictures of Pete Doherty realizing his cathartic dream to be portrayed as a Christ-like martyr.

Most of the time you don’t get celebrities going so far as to portray themselves as actual Christ figures. Of course they all think it but I mean, even the most delusional narcissists wouldn’t say it. I mean, Tom Cruise sort of does and then you have the odd cult leader but most of them of late have been linked to paederasty so it’s hard to really interact with them on any level without feeling vile.

Pete Doherty has managed to market himself as an heraldic martyr though. Pete Doherty feels that by making a plaster cast of his entire body in a crucified position, he’s somehow explaining what it’s like to be beaten down by the media. Then we’ll all understand the pain he goes through.

It’s not his fault that he is portrayed so badly. It all gets blown out of proportion.

I think I started siding with the media when it became clear that Pete Doherty got his kitten addicted to crack. That, for me, was an indication that he was probably Satan. I mean, how do you talk your way out of that? Kitten: eternal symbol of childhood innocence, Crack: poisonous, cheap, life destroying drug, Pete Doherty: the glue that brings the two together.

Even if Pete Doherty is only HALF as bad as he seems he’s still pretty bad. And by bad I mean, a potential husband. I mean, look at the photo above: he's smoking while lying on the cross. I just think that's inappropriate. Oh, look at that. My inner moralist just popped out.

Just to re-cap, Pete Doherty is making a plaster cast of his entire body so that he can make a sculpture that shows him being crucified. Crucified as he has been by the media. There’s a lot of symbolism involved in this. I have a degree in art so I can figure it out pretty easily. God, ok, actually, this is one of those stories where it’s hard to parody it or anything because it’s so amazing already. I’m sort of torn. [source]

Page Six is reporting that Capitol Records have been funneling their resources into up and coming young starlet Katy Perry and that means they’ve been diverting from Lily Allen to do it and that has made little Lily Allen a bit upset. And look, why wouldn’t she be?

This move from Capitol has certainly come as a shock to me and I’m sure it has come as a shock to Allen. What on earth could have prompted them to push her aside and try and continue to exist as a business by creating a new product?

Why, it couldn’t possibly be the relentless failure of Allen to actually just complete a tour without canceling shows. It also couldn’t be the fact that she seems inherently incapable of attending an event outside her home (and frankly, I wouldn’t rule out INSIDE her home either) where she doesn’t completely obliterate herself on booze and cause a totally unnecessary scene.

Plus, she’d be upset because what the hell else would she do? Her talk show failed because she wasn’t “very good” at presenting it and she hasn’t done anything else besides whine on her blog about being fat. Maybe she could go and write for Cosmopolitan Magazine. Or get a job in a theme park as a blow up doll. Yeah, I don’t know what that last bit was about either but I’m going to leave it.

Where’s Pete Wentz? Why isn’t he naked on camera yet? [source]

Madonna and Guy Ritchie really ARE getting divorced and Madonna has hired the lawyer who handled the Paul McCartney divorce so someone is going to be filleted and that someone will probably not be Madonna. She’s the client after all. And business theory suggests that filleting your own client is not conducive to positive client relations.

Also, though, rumours abound that there was no pre-nup. While that rumour is a valiant effort, it’s the most ill-conceived fake rumour I’ve ever heard. Yes, totally. Madonna got married with no pre-nup. Here we have a woman who has made a few cultural mistakes but has never once put a foot wrong in public and has managed to make a business out of commodifying herself better than any woman in the past 100 years. Yeah, totally, she didn’t think to get a pre-nup.

That aside, ok, so they’re getting a divorce which means that essentially, Guy Ritchie is now Milhouse van Houton’s father but in real life. He’ll be living in a cheap hotel for single men any day now. Rocco will look up at his father and say, “Why is life so difficult now, Daddy? Why did you upset the Chief Executive Mother?”

Best quote ever from Holy Moly who reported this though:

Having said that, Madonna is theoretically entitled to half of Guy's fortune too – which at least means she'll be able to continue making money out of Snatch. Pleasure.

God that’s good. I mean, really. It’s champagne. [source]

Vh1 reports that in actual fact, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are worth millions from simply running around being douchebags and selling out. Their entire lives are spent being the embodiment of the lowest common denominator in western culture and it’s paid off. This report was actually published on the 5th so it’s not exactly new but I put my lateness in talking about it down to the fact that I actively avoid stories that involve these two. Heidi still wants to be an actress though. She wants to win an Academy Award and being like Meryl Streep but with better tits. That was what SHE actually said.

Ah, no. Meryl Streeps breasts are just fine. That's enough.

Thinking about them and talking about them really only enables them but it appears that it’s already too late. They’re like Ann Coulter and Michael Lucas.

Who is buying into them though? If they’re making money off club appearances and some rancidly cheap fashion line – WHO is buying? My guess is that it’s 13 year old girls who hate themselves and want a boyfriend like Spencer. There are all these weird people who desperately lack any critical facility in their brains and so they long to be Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag so I guess it’s them. I wonder if there’s a continuum between Montag/Spencer and gay men somehow. Generally there is if there’s an interest in a product among 13-15 year old girls then there’s a contingent of gay men who buy into it as well. I’d say there are probably a collective of idiot gay male bitch kids who are about 17-22 who want to be like Spencer and Heidi in some way. Whether they like the surgery and the LA blond thing or they like the constant press attention or the seemingly ruthless business inkling that Spencer has – they are the ones who enable.

Everyone else hates them and I doubt that hate translates to actual dollars. I mean, you don’t hate Heidi Montag for being a willfully mindless, fake, subservient Republican woman and then buy her fragrance or t shirts. Although, you can hate fuck a Republican so I don’t know, maybe there’s something more complex going on here. I remember writing about that during the Democrat National Convention last election. Gosh that was a difficult time. Everyone was comatose as am I now that I’ve actually done a post about Montag and Pratt again. [source]

Look, say what you want about how Mariah Carey has made a comeback from her unpleasant breakdown and ice cream vending moment, the fact that she’s married a smokin’ hot gold digging actor and the fact that she’s taken her body back to her eleventh grade weight – bitch looks tired in these photos.

Her body is freaking exhausted and probably mad at her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sometimes shits herself because of the incongruous, forcible relationship she has with her body; constantly and fearfully living on the caloric value on one slab of pritikin bread and a half a glass of water a day – she’s on target but falling apart.

Her stomach is slim in the above shot but it looks like a more mainstream pop music version of Courtney Love’s post starvation diet body. God, how hideous everything is.

I saw Mimi the other week as she arrived at the Empire State Building and she looked alright. Her muscle and fat hadn’t gone into crisis mode and there was enough foundation on her head and dark sunglasses kept her looking fresh. Plus, never under estimate the power of ego validation en masse. When you have a huge crowd screaming for your attention and you happen to be a maddeningly insecure diva, it’ll probably perk you up and that’ll show on your visage.

Not in these photos though. Nope, Mimi is falling apart and needs to start to take a multivitamin tablet each day and she also should try Kombucha Tea. I drink it all the time and let me say, it is the Elixir of Life! Life is evacuating her body. She needs something. Maybe she should just get some of that lavender fluid Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn drink in Death Becomes Her. There’s a simple solution. No more living on air and dust and 6 hours cardio a day.

Ok – enough. [source]

Rush and Molloy’s Side Dish reports that the relentless spending continues when it comes to Brangelina’s new nursery. According to the Daily News, they’ve bought several new items of furniture and chandeliers and toys and other expensive crap that has cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars. We’re talking about pink chandeliers and those mothers don’t come cheap. E! News are doubting the authenticity of the reports but who the hell cares what E! News thinks. Brangelina are the new Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. I don’t even care if it’s true – I just need more information.

Here’s what they’re buying:

For starters, it’s a $140,000 nursery. In it they’ve put organza bassinets ($800), Versailles-style cribs ($3,200) with matching changing tables ($2,800), armoires ($4,500) and silk gliders. They even installed two pink crystal chandeliers for the girls at a cost of $899 each.

I don’t have time to tally that up but it sure is a lot of money. But apart from my ongoing anxiety that they’re spending money in an ill-conceived manner – my favourite part of this story is actually that some ludicrous douchebags from Dubai have requested an identical copy of the Brangelina nursery extravaganza. Who does that? Who reads about a nursery in the gossip press and then just says, “ I’ll have what they’re having…”?

It seems so lame. Hi, I am having kids but I don’t have any sense of personal interest in them so I’m going to have some distant movie stars decided the environment in which they’ll grow up.

The father is probably a rich, fat, eternally flushed business man who works in construction in Dubai and the mother is a stay at home mother whose job is to stay thin and sexually attractive to her porcine beast of a husband. She wasn’t always wealthy, she married into the money and now, after 5 years of marriage and access to a large fortune she’s starting to learn to feel entitled and used to the lifestyle in the desert. You can have servants in Dubai I’m pretty sure. She likes that because she can pretend she’s a queen. Sometimes she calls her friends back in East London while she's drunk and inevitably alone (except for the non English speaking servants) and tells them about how great her life is but whenever she hangs up she starts to cry until the vicodin kicks in. When she’s not sleeping or passed out from the vicodin and gin she spends her time deciding what color she she wants to have her hideous dragon nails painted and her local friends are rancid and I hate her but I’d stare and marvel at how much she embodies my idea of disgusting and I’d talk to her for a bit to see how far she takes it and how much I can stomach.

In short, Brangelina are preparing ye the way for the Twins of the Covenant by spending more money that it would take to end world hunger and someone in Dubai wants to copy them because they have nothing else to do. [source] [source]

Page Six reports that despite the rumours that Mel Gibson is box office poison and no studio will distribute his latest film Edge of Darkness since he got drunk and let out his inner Hitler a while ago, the producer of Edge of Darkness is claiming that the film is actually doing well and that he sold it in Israel.

So, the main point here is that it’s possible that everyone has forgiven Gibson for being anti-semitic and rancid. I mean, we all know he’s generally rancid anyway considering that if he’s not making massive, hideously violent vanity epics that are used as Christian propaganda, he’s a homophobic ass face and an alpha male douche alcoholic. That aside, perhaps the inner states have forgiven him anyway.

I wondered what he was up to when he was publicly going out to dinner with Britney Spears. It was such an incongruous cultural merging that there had to be considered demographics involved. Mind you, they’re both Christian Republicans so maybe they just stick together. I think I wrote about that a little while ago and I’m guess I wrote about how it really must be a fabulous party when the Hollywood Republican actors get together. What a riot. Incontinence pants, rare beef, cans of domestic beer, sensible shoes, confederate flag napkins, self loathing, Kid Rock. What an event those bitches throw!

Now, I’m really thinking that Gibson’s taking care of Spears by talking with her in restaurants and then taking her and her father away to the Bahamas was part of a public cleansing ritual. Britney Spears is the only pop princess the public will really stick by I think. I think all her rivals have been too openly conniving and ambitious and all her opposites are too fake. I mean, as if anyone would extend a hand to Avril Lavigne if she overdosed. God, just thinking about the idea of Avril Lavigne overdosing is so completely ludicrous anyway. What a joke. Overdose on diet soda or gum to the extent that it had a laxative effect, sure but nothing else.

I think the public are genuinely on Britney’s side despite how the media portray her because her initial image she had was one of innocence. I mean, innocence heavily marinated in good old denial laced insistent American sexuality as well but it was generally considered innocence and so America has a soft spot for her. When she divorced the K-Fed the audience on The View erupted into cheers.

Gibson’s alignment with and nurturing of Spears might make him seem like a caring fatherly figure and that’s probably what he needed to spruce up his image. I just love that he only reached out to one of his own kind though. When he met with the Jews it was damage control. Now that he’s able to choose, he picks the ambitious child whore who was always a Christian virgin. God Gibson is predictable. [source]

Christina Crawford, Joan Crawford’s daughter, is back in the news with a 30th anniversary edition of Mommie Dearest and she’s saying she has new proof that everything she wrote in the book the film was based on was true. Page Six reports:

Christina, 68, tells London's Guardian: "If she walked in the door now, I'd tell her she's not welcome and could she please leave. Because that's what I couldn't do as a child."

So, what we’re being told is that essentially, this is exactly what happened to her:

Quality moments. Quality joyous moments. Who cares if it's real or not. Oh God, I just love that film. It’s so rewarding and somewhat fun. Ordinarily, I hate it when tired old celebrities drag out the same old crap year after year trying to stay relevant but when it comes to the quality work of Christina Crawford, you just drag out whatever the hell you want, kid. There’s a whole chunk of people who are never going to let you be forgotten. [source]

Vin Diesel is now apparently a father and so with reports of that come all the reports that he’s gay again. Half the time, gay rumours are a product of mindless gay people insisting that people are gay because it’s their fantasy. Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t gay, I’m pretty certain about that, but why not insist anyway because he’s classically attractive and talented?

The other half are the kind where it’s known among industry and communities of people who interact with the star but in the bulk of America it’s not and so the star keeps it under wraps to keep their demographic happy – like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t give a shit about Vin Diesel because he’s just like Matthew Mcconaughey in the sense that his entire career, if that’s what you’d call it, is built on the fact that he has a rockin’ bod and a deep, gravelly voice. He isn’t exactly burdened by a bounty of critically acclaimed talent. The reason this is interesting though is because I’ve actually seen him out at some of the gayest events in New York, like Beige on Tuesdays at B Bar in the East Village. Gayest thing ever. I’m not saying he is definitely gay but I am saying that if everyone is pointing it out and I’ve seen him in gay bars then it seems a little like it could be true.

I guess it’s the same as someone like Jonathan Rhys Myers where he’s not necessarily GAY but he’s certainly not straight only he most certainly cannot come out as anything while he’s playing Henry VIII, the alpha male of Europe. Because no man can be gay and assertively masculine. The two cannot be linked don’t you know.

The kind of women who like Vin Diesel are the kind of women who have bachelorette parties at tranny bars and who get drunk and say things like “this song is about ME!” and you over hear them and you just want them to shut the hell up and you have to really really stop yourself from kicking the chair out from under them as they sit there and complain that you’re gay and that it’s such a waste but maybe it’ll end up being fun because now we can talk about fashion and boys together and you really just want to go home but you’re waiting for someone and they’re giving you free drinks at the bar because you know the drag queen behind the bar so you figure you’ll just stay but there’s a whole school of shrill idiot tuna swimming around you and you just feel like you’re going to drown. DROWN.

Those women need to feel they can get with their action hero movie star obsession. If he has a kid then he’s not just straight, he’s the fathering type which their kid’s father probably isn’t.
So, it’s funny to me that Vin Diesel is hammering out the straight thing but then, not really. What else would he do? Someone is eating barbecued beast and it’s making me remember being forced to eat beans as a kid and that was traumatic because I hate beans and I hate that sweet, spicy sauce they’re cooked in. Vin Diesel has a kid now and he could quite possibly be gay. Stop all the horror. [source]

TMZ reported that Candy Spelling went to the Bellagio Casino in Las Vegas and was playing the slots and won $200,000. She’s already worth 600 million dollars but she won 200K. What fascinates me about her is that she has all this money and yet she’s never really done anything besides a half assed attempt at offering people advice through TMZ.com. She was doing that until she offered a bit of advice to Joe Francis who then slapped her down for not minding her own business. Plus, who the hell plays the slots? Ugh. How vile. She’s really just a little old lady who passes the time blocking out reality by playing the slots. Except she’ll never really run out of money.

I was wandering down the street the other day and wondered what had happened to old Candy Spelling but then I realized her disappearance was a probably spurred on by a combination of realizing that fluttering off pearls of unsolicited advice to people was eventually going to feel like real work and also, being slapped down by someone like Joe Francis was probably slightly embarrassing.

Still, my main question here is, if she has all that money, why on EARTH doesn’t she get that Clockwork Orange eye fixed. JESUS, she always has this look where she’s dripping in jewels and satin and her hair is inexplicably blond and shiny and smooth and then BANG one eye is scrunched up and the other is wide open. It looks like she’s really stressed out on one side of her head. Gosh, Candy, why don’t you just take my advice and find yourself a quality Madison Avenue surgeon and even out the eye situation. Tell the doctor you want to calm the left and perk up the right. You could come to New York, get the surge, convalesce at some massively expensive hotel for a month and you wouldn’t even have to start to tap into that 600 mill you’ve got sitting there. You could use your winnings and it would give you something to do.

Rich women are always looking for something to do and surge is often the perfect answer. It’s expensive, its time consuming, it requires medication, the end results are usually about what they look like and it’s narcissistically indulgent. Every box seems to be checked!
Or, you know, you could give it to someone who needs it. [source]

Page Six reports that Brad Pitt is preparing for the birth of his twins with Angelina Jolie, the Twins of the Covenant, by spending enormous amounts of money. I mean, we already knew this based on prior reports that they had leased a mansion in France for $60 million. Now, Page six reports that he bought a table carved out of a single piece of marble for like $300,000.
I understand that rich people like Brad Pitt, as in, the inordinately rich who live in a strange world that is completely separate from reality because they are also the patron saints of contemporary western culture, they are the most beautiful people in the world, they give birth to the angelic, superhuman muses of tomorrow and they are also heroic humanitarian activists (I’m almost ready to hate them but I’m not quite there yet, I’m still transfixed by their super-ness), can spend money and buy things that seem out of reach. I mean, obviously that’s the case.
What I don’t understand is why they spent 60 million dollars leasing a mansion in France when surely the mansion would have just cost that much to buy. I mean, how much WOULD it cost to buy a mansion in France? I mean, the kind of 20 bedroom extravaganza that the children of the Zeitgeist need. I just can’t see it costing 60 million. Ok, so, great Brad Pitt – you just spent 60 million and you don’t even own the place. Great.

Plus, this freaking table. I mean, it’s interesting and everything but I’m worried that after they get the 300,000 dollar table and the aluminum carpet which sounds more like a glorified kitchen scourer frankly, that there won’t be any money left for Christmas presents. Or furniture for the rest of the house. There literally are over 15 or 20 bedrooms and they all need furniture. I would hate for the place to be left empty.

Once I went to visit a friend of my aunt’s who lives in a Chateau in Normandy. The entire place was this stunning medieval castle but it was filled with basically a couple of fold out chairs and a plate of vegetable samosas. It was mildly disappointing. I expected sweet liqueurs, French imperial furniture and cuckoo concerts and all I got was a cigar and a coal roasted duck breast which was admittedly pretty good. There was a torture chamber underneath the place but I think they used it as a storage facility. I say I think. Plus, I was a little attracted to the guy’s lesbian daughter. I don’t think he knew she was a lesbian. She was really pretty like a pretty guy but she was a girl. Sort of like a short Jonathan Rhys Myers. Plus she was extremely polite.
Anyway, I just hope Brad Pitt watches his money because right now I’m not convinced he is making informed decisions. [source]

Us Magazine is reporting more information about how Katie Holmes is moving to New York City to do Arthur Miller’s All My Sons on Broadway primarily because it’s fascinating to keep tabs on how weird and controlling Tom Cruise gets with her and how her face and registers the exhaustion.

So, the producer has been quoted saying that Holmes isn’t a phoney and she knows how to sniff out phonies:

"Katie's not a celebrity type," Falkenstein says. "She's done brilliant work in films like Pieces of April and The Ice Storm.
"Ann starts out as a simple, sweet, average Midwesterner, and by the finale gets up the gumption to stand and confront what's wrong," he adds.
He calls Holmes "a natural sweetheart who can sniff out phonies ... Katie basically has that exact moral fiber [of her character in the play]."

I mean, what?

What the hell is WRONG with these people? I mean, do they just get the complete opposite of what is true and then run with it? Katie Holmes sure can sniff out phonies, she got contractually bound to one who needed a kid and a wife to keep his fan base happy. Yes, I suppose they’re right – she can sniff them out because that’s what she’s looking for. That’s the kind of thing she needs to keep any remnant of a career going.

I have actually sort of liked her on screen in the past – I mean, not in Dawson’s Creek. That show as so insufferably exhausting to watch. God, all these insufferably self absorbed teenagers incessantly meta-narrating everything within an inch of their lives and Katie Holmes’ character was so irritatingly insecure and weird.

Later on she was ok though. I’ve been watching Go a bit cause it’s on demand right now and she wasn’t bad at being a bored teenager. That was ok.

So, in short, everyone is a liar. Tom Cruise is a freak and Katie Holmes is a player. Jesus, this whole Tom Cruise Katie Holmes thing is so amazingly resilient. It won’t die no matter what. [source]

Last night I went to see Donna Summer perform at Mansion in New York City because she’s launching a new album for the first time in 17 years (called Crayons) and the crowd was basically what you’d expect: a whole lot of nightlife characters and then a belt of weird middle aged women who have forced their bodies to stay really thin through surge, starvation and cigarettes. They were the kind of women who look like biker chicks but they’re sort of suburban New Jersey mafia instead. Carmella Soprano but with a lot more trash.

I’m talking about women in their 40s and 50s who do themselves up to look really trampy and have lots of hairspray and who dance about in a mildly slutty manner, knowing all the words to all the old songs that I have only heard because I happen to go to the crummy C Town supermarket near my house when nothing else is open and that’s what they play. They play Donna Summer and also that fucking annoying song that goes ‘Shake your booty…” God, I hate that. I really hate it. Like, I hate it more than Willy Lowman’s musical stylings.

Then there were all these big, fat husbands who stood around, proud of themselves for getting in, a whole lot of older gay men who live for Donna Summer because she’s old school and this amazing black girl who danced so well on the dance floor they put a spot light on her. Donna Summer sang all her old hits like Last Dance, Bad Girls and all these other songs that I, again, only knew from ads or from movies or from my worst nightmares as I sat and waited for test results this one time in Chelsea.

Still, she was ok in a couple of places – one when she was singing some song and she got a bit rock n roll and picked up the mic stand effortlessly and swung it behind her head. Who would have expected that? Not me but then I couldn’t expect anything besides the clichés in the audience because I don’t know Donna Summer that well. Actually, I used to work with Vince Aletti at the Village Voice when he was the Arts Editor there and he apparently discovered her. So, that’s something I guess.

Anyway, here’s her new song, there are little bits of it that I don't mind:

TMZ just posted a picture of Donna Summer and Randy Jones from the Village People and I was there with Randy. [source]

Fox News reports that Will Smith has been pumping money into a new private school which will integrate Scientologist teachings into the curriculum. Firstly, thank GOD. There’s nothing more heartening an reassuring than knowledge that somewhere some fucking dumb ass delusional religious zealot is warping the education curriculum of children by fucking it up with weird, myths that they belligerently insist are scientifically viable. Nothing. NOTHING is more calming. So, just so you know - right now I’m feeling more calm than usual.

BUT, the interesting thing about this is the extent to which Will Smith has been consistently reluctant to openly state that he’s a Scientologist. He and his wife have attached themselves to Tom Cruise for what can only possibly be career reasons. I mean, what the hell else do you do when you hang out with tom Cruise besides wait for him to stop talking or telling you how to hold your knife and fork or having tense moments with Katie Holmes that you just have to pretend you don’t see. Nothing else, that’s what. Except for the fact that you get to be cast in movies.

What’s clear from Will Smith’s reluctance to own up and Tom Cruise’s furious backpedaling when it comes to his career as an actor – because aside from everything else – that’s all he is, he’s an actor – clearly Scientology doesn’t rate well with the general public. For a while there it was this weird, mysterious cult that people joined and then didn’t talk about and actors joined it so they could go to parties and meet producers and casting agents. Same basic deal with Kabbalah but that lost a lot of its luster.

Now that all these people have spoken out about it and Tom Cruise is more or less seen as a controlling, patriarchal nut, Scientology, I suspect, is a major turn off for people. That would be why an ambitious, annoying but admittedly smoking hot actor like Will Smith is avoiding coming out as a Scientologist. Imagine what would happen if you were a gay Scientologist in Hollywood. I mean, one of the more together ones that do it in the same way politicians go to church – for the image. I mean, you’d be inside so many closets you’d be in Narnia. [source]

When Academy Award Winner Tatum O’Neal was arrested for trying to buy coke AND crack yesterday she told the press she was rehearsing for a role and you know what? Why not? She’s an actress. She’s an ACADEMY AWARD Winning Actress. Those bitches go into dark places to get inside their roles and I imagine buying coke and crack could easily be part of it. Maybe she was rehearsing for a production of Requiem For a Dream – the Musical. I like to believe anything I’m told by Academy Award Winning Actresses. I mean, I think that’s why I use all capitals when writing about them. Like I just did twice then. They are our Moral Benchmarks.

Today, Tatum O’Neal has stated that she was buying coke and crack because she was really upset about her dog dying. It was a scotch terrier. I can understand that. I think scotch terriers are often considered a muse-like source of happiness or, more specifically “canine prozac”. Consequently, I now believe that she is telling the truth now. It was her dog’s fault. She didn’t do anything wrong.

I wonder if this is a wonderful performance piece where each day this week she will come out with a new reason. I certainly hope it is! Perhaps tomorrow it will be because of a baking mishap. Then Thursday it will be because of the crippling sadness within her due to a totally unmanaged ego, then after that – on Friday it will be because she thought she was buying cheese at Citarella but had been to the optometrist and couldn’t see well. Whatever she says, I believe it because I’m starting to feel like a bona fide idiot and that’s what she wants to. She wants me to be a bona fide idiot and to never question her – which I couldn’t possibly ever do. [source]

The Daily News reports that Lindsay Lohan attended the MTV Movie Awards and as she was being photographed the wind blew her skirt up and revealed that she was wearing what is known as a Spanx slip – basically a more streamlined girdle that is apparently often used in Hollywood by actresses to bring their figures down up to a half a dress size.

Maybe Lohan is bloated and building up a quality gut after she gave up uppers. That’s one theory I have. The other is that she is finally reacting to the insane public breakdown of her ludicrous family because she’s actually aware of it for the first time.

Either way, I think it’s reassuring that we can finally find something less than perfect about Lindsay Lohan to make her seem more accessible and human. Finally, there’s a flaw and it’s been revealed. Lohan wears a corset to keep her gut in. This reminds me of that stupid STUPID Cheech and Chong movie where one of them plays a supermodel movie star who slashes his face to give the other actors a chance. Oh, actually, maybe Lohan has necrosis. You know, when you have necrosis you have to wear a gurdle of some kind because if you don’t, your guts will fall out of your stomach because the disease eats away at your flesh. Yeah, isn’t that alluring? I’m so peckish! [source]

Page Six reports that the guest list to Tom Cruise’s “housewarming” party read like a list of people he needed to apologise to: Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Oprah Winfrey etc. and that all plays into the same basic idea that I had about his recent completely transparent “25 years of Tom Cruise” PR kick including the launch of his website. That reeked of bullshit and so does this “housewarming” party apparently.

It’s reassuring that Tom Cruise has managed to realize that his image has been all but pulverized by his insane delusional cult-member antics and I’m personally just loving the way he’s trying to fix everything by acting like it’s all about something else. It’s so completely flawless and undetectable. I mean, 25 years since Risky Business (but with no mention of the films he did before that), a website showcasing all his work except for the one the middle aged women of America hated, “Interview with a Vampire” and now a soiree at his home for everyone he’s insulted, played or just plain annoyed and freaked out.

Well, not quite everyone. I’m still sitting here waiting for him to freaking e mail me and apologise for destroying my teenaged infatuation with him by being a totally freakish weirdo robot cult leader. I mean, everything was fine – I was going to go to LA or something and meet him and have some kind of torrid affair and then, bang, he was a douchebag. So, now I’m going to sit here and wait. I’m going to wait for him to fix this mess he’s left.

Oh, Jesus, Willy Loman in the office next to me here is walking around asking dumb questions about nothing again and he’s cranking up the lite jazz. I thought we were past this. I really did. Damn it. Months of stern refusal to interact with him when he is a douche have come to nothing. Back to beating back mediocrity with a stick again. [source]

What a surprise, Angelina Jolie hasn't given birth yet at all. Why, it was just an inflated rumour! People and MSNBC are reporting that previous rumours were untrue and that the Twins of the Covenant are still inside Angelina Jolie will be born later in the summer. Yep. They’re in her. Not out yet.

But then, that’s something to look forward to, isn’t it?

That’s something charming for us to look forward to.

Mind you, the fact that the opposite was reported last week to the extent that names were being thrown about despite the fact that the twins weren’t even born yet and I think that is a clear indication that we as a society are getting greedy for our muses. We’re demanding the deliverance of purity and muse like inspiration before the embodiment of it is even fully developed. We need to check ourselves.

Thos children will be born when they are ready to bless the earth with their presence. And when they do, boy, will it be an interesting period of time. I have a feeling that Heraldic Beasts are not entirely out of the question. [source]

Page Six has reported that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of 1 million dollars to come out of the closet on the front cover of OK! Magazine. Presumably because her mother is telling her to hold out for more money. Of course, with Dina Lohan it’s a complicated situation because on one hand, one half of her brain is screaming at her to make money off of her kid and to leech off her fame. The other part of Dina Lohan’s brain, the part that is a simple, common, suburban woman with lower middle class values is probably mad that her daughter could be gay and is coming up with ways to talk herself and Lindsay out of her “life style”.

Those trucking mothers are always the toughest.

So, what you really have here is Dina Lohan in a sort of Jan Brady headspace where she’s unsure which voice inside her head to listen to. It’s funny, I always considered Dina Lohan to be a freaked out, nasty piece of work but never someone with multiple personalities and yet now it seems more viable. God, I’m really pulling something out of nothing here but why not, that’s what Dina Lohan seems to be doing with Alli Lohan and their inane reality show, Living Lohan.

I wonder why on earth Lindsay turned down that money. It’s bound to be more money that she’s been offered for any actual acting work lately. And like I said some other time Lohan’s carpet munching ways came up – being a lesbian for her would really just be another drop in the ocean of the persona based issues she faces in Hollywood. In fact, if she were out and dating Samanthan Ronson, maybe she’d seem slightly more grounded. Grounded into a pair of Birkenstocks and a flannel shirt with a clear disdain for men in general because of the way society is so patriarchal but still, grounded. [source]

Right, this story broke last week but I missed it somehow, and am sort of in shock that no one managed to mention it to me once all weekend, Clay friggin’ Aiken has artificially inseminated a 50 year old woman and she’s due in like August. Are you JESUS CHRISTING KIDDING ME? Just as an aside, look at those "come hither" eyes in the photo above. How anyone could avoid him is insane...oh Jesus. I just threw up my lunch. That's 10 bucks down the drain.

I really thought there was no way in mothering lesbian hell that Clay Aiken could become more unnervingly nauseating, freakishly soulless and just generally repellant and yet, here we are with knowledge of his spawn.

Oh GOD. This is so weird!

Ok, so he got his “best friend” and manager, 50 year old Jaymes Foster pregnant through artificial insemination back in what must have been January. Now she’s due in August. We’re only finding out now?! Why was this kept secret? It’s all FOR publicity – why hasn’t there BEEN any?

Firstly, of course his “best friend” is his manager. He’s just like Celine Dion. He’s a mainstream singing product who is so obsessed with his work and career that the only person he COULD be friends with is someone intrinsically connected to that. Secondly, my GOD, why does he need a kid? He’s such a weird, controlling selectively asexual freak. Why is it a good idea to put a child in front of that kind of thing?

Although, I do have to admit – in some ways it’s actually genius. This is a strange and interesting thing to do for his public image but if you examine what the hell is going on it makes nauseating, vomitous sense. Clay Aiken can never come out because his main demographic are emotionally freaked out young women and middle aged suburban mothers who are starved of culture enough to marvel at his voice and choice of repertoire and who consider him sexually unthreatening and therefore someone they can be safely obsessed with because there’s no chance of rape. There’s a chance of rape with these women at every turn, you see.

He will never end up actually dating one of these women or, a woman at all or, in fact, ANY person the way he’s going but with a kid to a 50 year old woman he’ll be able to constantly appear in photographs with Jaymes looking as though there’s a natural, human energetic synthesis between them. Clay Aiken the father, the doting, accessible, human father and his 50 year old parenting partner.

He’s creating the physical embodiment of the secret fantasy of probably every one of his fans by having a kid with a middle aged woman only this way he doesn’t have to go through the weird, anxiety riddled performance of actually having sex with one to get there. See, this is sort of similar to what Tom Cruise has done but not exactly the same. They have their own business needs so the whole kid/wife/family image has to be tailored differently.

Clay Aiken and Tom Cruise do share the same demographic though, I’d say. Maybe they could hook up. Maybe they already are in my head. How sensual and appetizing. [source]

Gosh, a lot of people are dead today. Interesting people. It’s not a surprise because famous people always die in groups. I think because they’re afraid to be alone. Still, this week it was fashion icon Yves Saint Laurent – dead at 71, musician Bo Diddley(who, I must admit, I instantly mixed up with Boo Radley but he's not a real person so I corrected myself) dead at 79 and the creator of Pringles Fredric J. Baurm dead at 89. All in one weekend!

Each one of these men were unique pioneers in their field but as a team, united by their times of death in some strange, random way – if you think about what they gave culture; their offerings work quite well together. Think about it, last week you could have dressed up in your finest Yves Saint Laurent couture, gone out to see Bo Diddley perform and snacked on all manner of different varieties of Pringles knowing that the clothes, music and food you were enjoying were all created by men who were alive. Not this week. This week we mourn the loss of these great visionaries and we take stock.

I have only ever owned Yves Saint Laurent underwear I think. I bought two pairs of them once and gave a pair away because I thought it was cool to give people designer underwear for about two weeks as a 20 year old. I had more money back then. I have recollections of studying Bo Diddley at school in music class AND I think there are actual Pringles even now, upstairs in my apartment in the kitchen. That's MY personal history with these men.

If you read the New York Times piece I’ve linked below, it simply publishes quotes about Yves Saint Laurent by famous people who know about Fashion other designers mainly. Then there’s Sarah Jessica Parker who gets in presumably because she is sort of a style icon at least right now because of the Sex and the City film. Then if you look below there’s this quote from a reader:

June 2nd, 2008 12:53 pm
All these great comments from people involved in Fashion and style and culture. And then there is Sarah Jessica Parker’s tidbit. Who and when decided that she is the preeminent fashion icon I’d like to know. Maybe the same person who decided that Patricia Field is costume designer.
Please people, let’s get real here.
- Posted by john s

My Goodness. So catty! So informed and opinionated! So appropriate!

Rest in Peace you creative masterminds…

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