According to CBS News, Conan O’Brien has apparently been the recipient of several antagonizing letters written on priestly letterhead from one Father Ajemian who actually refers to himself as “your priestly stalker”. He’s been stalked by a priest for the past 14 months.
It gets better though because apparently Ajemian tried to get into a taping of the Conan O’Brian show when he wasn’t let in he wrote a letter to O’Brien saying "Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans?" the note said.

There’s nothing more calming and helpful than a Catholic priest who becomes unhinged and lets all the pent up freaking madness ooze out uncontrollably in the public eye. I also enjoy the fact that people look to this man for personal guidance. Well, not anymore I guess. He’s been put on leave. The Catholic Church seems to know how to deal with their freaks pretty efficiently these days.

When did Conan O’Brien do anything that really put him in a position of hard core immediately timely relevance. I mean, he does TV and stuff but he’s no Rosie O’Donnell. Why doesn’t Rosie have a stalker? I think we need a do-over. He needs to focus on Rosie; she deserves the press more and she could have more fun with it. Still, there’s no rational explanation for who freaks focus on.

The fact that Conan O’Brien is being stalked by a freaked out priest is a great story that calms and soothes my agitated New York dwelling soul though, there’s no doubt about that. Not because I wish harm on O’Brien but because it’s yet another example of how freaking weird Catholics are. [source]

Fresh from the school of thought that brought you Paris Hilton’s empty pet food can on eBay for 50 bucks comes Lindsay Lohan’s totaled Mercedes for sale. For a mere $110,000 anyone can own the still wrecked car that Lindsay Lohan drove and crashed on Sunset Boulevard last May.
Here’s the weird thing about Lohan – the "wrecked" part of her car is what sustains its value - just like Lohan herself really.

It’s no wonder she’d been charging around like an intoxicated bull in a china shop until this recent stint in rehab. It’s really what’s getting her work these days.

Why are so many people selling ludicrously overpriced junk at the moment? There’s the 25,000 dollar dessert, the 1000 dollar bagel and then of course everything else that came before yesterday as well. Those two were just from yesterday. There’s literally no reason why anyone needs to pay 110,000 dollars for a totaled car – unless they’re a coke addict and think there could be Bolivian marching powder still stuck in the upholstery. Yeah, that’s got to be it. It’s either coke in the upholstery or it’s meant for some Texan, Las Vegasian insane purchase collector. You know, those freaks that buy the grilled cheese sandwich that has the Virgin Mary’s face in it for 10,000 bucks and then they put it in Perspex and people flock to see it during which time they spend all their money on poker machines. [source]

The US Government has taken time out from its busy schedule to inform the public that when they are getting rid of their old medications the best thing they can do is wrap them in animal shit because that will deter kids from stealing and ingesting them. Isn’t that great? Apparently 1 in 5 teenagers gets drugs they abuse from relatives or friends so it’s a social problem. Just like with everything else youth oriented, the US government has decided to champion an inane resolution to a symptom of a larger issue rather than just look at it head on. How is this any different to those old teen make over shows on Sally Jesse Raphael where they take the 14 year old animal sacrificing Satanist rapist and put her in Laura Ashley and suddenly the issue is done. It’s exactly the same. EXACTLY. [source]

The most expensive dessert in the world can now officially be found in New York City at Serendipity 3 for 25,000. I guess this means that the expensive dish from Sri Lanka that was ruling the inane purchases genre has been knocked DOWN a peg. This is also really no different from that dish though, ultimately you’re paying for a whole lot of gold and diamonds shoveled into some ice cream and then some top qual chocolate. “Everything is created for the order,” says the creator. “The truffle has to be flown in from France; we order the cocoas from around the world; we have the gold flown in from Switzerland, so it takes time to put it together.” I still think the only people who buy these are fat rich morons from the South and unhinged oil princes from the Middle East. No one in New York city is buying this dessert. [source]


So, look here it is straight: the Leaning Tower of Pisa isn’t the most leaning building in the world. Some church steeple in the German village of Suurhusen. For years we’d all accepted the fact that the Leaning Tower of Pisa was the most leaning building in the world – although living in Brooklyn has secretly caused me to be skeptical of that but nonetheless it was a fact people knew and were comfortable with. With this new information I’m pretty certain nothing means anything any more. What are people to think? People had lives and jobs and children based on less. It is a sad day in Italy. Still, I guess it’s a happy day in Germany. Oh ok. Well, that pretty much balances out. Ok, better now. [source]


After seeing Christine Ebersole perform at the Cabaret Convention last night I did a little research and found some rather extraordinary films from decades ago which feature interviews with rather complex women. I had been wondering about why American women weren’t leaders in fashion and this finally explains it all.

And here's a nice little film about how animals get drunk in the wild. Apart from the knowing voiceover no doubt spoken by a man in an illfitting brown tweed jacket with wild hair and black rimmed glasses, the best part is the totally amazing soundtrack with a trumpet and marimbas in the background for when the animals fall over. This is the kind of thing Paris Hilton has decided to champion. I mean, she wants this to stop. I can't think of anything I want to happen more than films like this though so I'm kind of torn.

Haven’t heard from old ex-zeitgeist Hilton for a while so it’s nice that the Hollywood Rag reports that she’s in Tokyo to shop and also to save elephants that get drunk on rice wine.

There has been a real plethora of mind numbing crap about Paris Hilton ever since forever and I’m pleased to say this is the most interesting if inane thing I’ve ever read about her. I’ve read about her getting out of a car and buying Pinkberry, eating sushi at Koi and slamming down Silver Patron shots with Brandon Davis at Winstons, that failed trip to Rwanda, her going to jail, “That’s Hot”, the time she lost her Blackberry, the time people were stealing empty cans of pet food from her garbage and selling them on ebay and I’ve also heard her talk about hair. I read all of it. The thing is, this is kind of absurdly endearing. And it couldn’t have come at a better time too because exactly how much more of this crap do we have to go through before America just votes Republican AGAIN purely because another 4 years of far right lunacy would be a walk in the park compared to continued consciousness.

If she really is doing this then it no doubt forms part of her campaign to seem like she has a sense of self and of all the things she decided to do, saving drunk elephants is what she landed on.

Let’s be fair: elephants DO actually sometimes get drunk when they’re fed alcohol. Like for instance, in Russia a couple of years ago there was a zoo keeper who thought he’d try and help an elephant get warm in the bitter cold of Moscow so he did what anyone else would do and fed the massive, fully grown pachyderm a full bucket of vodka. The elephant tore a building apart. That zookeeper really deserved the thrashing he or she got for that.

How the hell often does that actually happen though? I mean, REALLY. How often does that REALLY happen. GOD would someone just be skinnier, richer, prettier and easier than Hilton like now? [source]

The Sun in the UK is reporting that Hilary Duff was performing a lapdance for her boyfriend Mike Comrie at Tejune in New York – which is odd seeing as it wasn’t reported by a whole lot of New York media. Maybe that’s because no one gives a shit.

Still, that’s no big deal because the Sun has points of information that are so exciting and juicy and amazing that the titillation it inspires says far more than real solid facts ever could.
Best part of the article ever is:

A partygoer said: "Hilary was having a wild night, drinking Veuve Clicquot straight out of the bottle.
"She looked nothing like the sweet little Lizzie Maguire she once was as she treated Mike to a series of raunchy lap dances.
"The place was packed but Hilary didn't mind."

Yes, and could it be remotely possible that that "a partygoer" was in fact her publicist? Wow, she was drinking booze straight out of the bottle and she looked nothing like the children’s TV character her entire net worth is rather stressfully invested in right now?

Gosh, she must be growing up and therefore capable of a whole lot of new kinds of film roles that children just can’t play. Why, as a slim, attractive American girl she might just secure some work if she can prove that she’s an adult and BANG! Look at this! Here she is with her actual boyfriend so she’s not really a slutty ho (something to appease stressed out suburban mothers in the flyover states) and she’s drinking and being sexually expressive. Just like ADULTS!

I mean, if they’re going to plant crap items like this couldn’t they try and make them a little less sanitary. The tone of “a partygoer” in my mind resonates just like Julie Andrews circa 1982. Perfectly crafted with everything neatly in place.

Just go throw up in a lesbian while you’re eating her out in the middle of some rancid LA nightspot like Le Deux or whatever the hell else there is, Hilary. It’ll save you months of throwing sanitized earnestness in everyone’s face and you can start working again in no time. [source]

The New York Post reports that George Clooney and Fabio, the ex-Mills and Boone novel cover model (!) got into a brawl in a restaurant in Los Angeles restaurant Madeo because Clooney asked one of Fabio’s rent-a-harem to stop taking photos of him or near him or something. It seems unlikely that a celebrity like Clooney would be able to envision a photographer taking shots near him that weren’t of him so let’s assume that was the gist of where Clooney was coming from.
Apart from the drag level hilariousness of a slapdown (or really anything at all, come to think of it) involving Fabio, Madeo would have been a real vacuum of macho extravagance – so much so that I wouldn’t have been surprised if every other man and lesbian in the place had fainted from having all their masculine powers sucked up as the two super powers battled it out in front of civilians. The interesting part is that those civilians had no idea of the implications of that battle. It was old and c-list verses newer and a-list. No one man could stand to not have all the male power in the room and so they drew their swords and declared pistols at dawn. Except not at dawn. It was more immediate than that.
How unfortunate that this slap down wasn’t being promoted by someone in Las Vegas. This would have been a far more interesting fight than the ludicrous one between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. What a joke that was. Come on – there could be a series of them. Ashley Tilsdale and Vanessa Hudgens, Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann, a wild boar with rabies and Spencer Pratt…the whole thing writes itself.
[source]

TMZ reports (using the hilarious headline “Eva Longoria gives her pie to writers” that Eva Longoria delivered pizza to the protesting writers from Desperate Housewives. She is delivered Domino’s Pizza to the protesters. I mean, culinary faux pas aside, it is a rather nice thing to do. Plus, also it’s funny because pie sometimes means vagina so that’s a little word game they’re playing there. But you know what the first thing I thought of was? That scene from Soap Dish where the tranny played by Elizabeth Perkins gets all cozy with the writers because she has to make sure she gets what she wants on screen. Or something like that.
As if Longoria has touched pizza or even knows how to pick up a phone and order it. It’s far more likely Ms Longoria was swanning about in the slimming room backstage at Desperate Housewives thinking about leafy salads and water while having the extra calories somehow extracted from her body through infrared superstar lighting therapy, she picked up her cell phone and had her assistant run out and buy something “agreeable” to writer types. When the pizza arrived she would have had her assistant meet her as close to the picket line as possible so she didn’t have to interact with the product and then she swanned out carrying them and delivered them to the writers.

Incidentally, the photo of her in silver isn’t what she wore to deliver it but she really should have. I actually love the idea of her turning up in a silver swimsuit with a fan in front of her and delivering pizza like Superman delivers a small child back to it’s mother.
There’s no way in hell all those women on Desperate Housewives, except maybe Felicity Huffman because she’s amazing, don’t want to scratch each other’s eyes out and aren’t constantly at the writers’ throats to keep them in the series as youthful vixens with never waning sexual prowess.

That show is astonishing. The difference between the horror underneath and the front they put up is, by itself, worthy of an Emmy. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Here’s a kid with 8 limbs. That’s right, 4 legs and 4 arms. She’s from India and she’s actually a Siamese twin but her conjoined twin has no head which makes her the sole owner of a bunch of limbs. She’s going into surgery so 30 doctors can craft her body to resemble that of your average person. CNN is reporting that the surgery is meant to last 40 hours. Apparently the kid is considered a goddess her village. I think it’s safe to say that if she were born in the South she’d be considered the spawn of Satan. Plus, the other thing is, why are her parents doing this? They could all make a mint on a traveling act. Still, each to their own. [source]

A whole herd of wild boars have invaded the Chinese city of Hangzhou including, on Halloween night, a 200 pound boar jumping on the bed of a small girl. That has led to the Chinese government lifting the ban on boar hunting which, when you think about it, has got to be the first permissive act they’ve engaged in since the Beijing Olympic madness began. So, this is what it takes to get the Chinese government to unban something. Now all that needs to happen is for some kind of dire plague to strike which can only be fixed through the massed funding of crispy duck stalls near public toilets. I still can’t get past the fact that they did that. [source]

A survey has revealed what the English consider to be the stupidest of their laws and 27% think that the law which outlaws dying in parliament is the most inane. Not too shabby as far as self awareness goes. After that the statistics take a nosedive to below ten for everything but 7% of people say that outlawing the use of an upside down postage stamp featuring the monarch’s head upside down is pretty damned stupid. The great thing about the English is that even though they’ve acknowledged that these are inane laws, if someone did actually die in parliament there’s a good chance that some would insist on tradition and book their corpse. I don’t know why I’m weird about the English today. [source]

Tyra Banks is great because she fluctuates between lunatic and wannabe Oprah TV feminist icon without warning. It sometimes happens in the middle of sentences. Even though I can’t think of anything more annoyingly earnest and angsty and than putting together an entire episode of a show that should be about paternity testing and angry teen makeovers so that it’s entirely focused on thinking about vaginas, this is mildly entertaining.
Two things I’m really glad happened here: one, they cleared up that real vaginas aren’t made of velvet and satin – write that down illiterate toothless housewives in the south. Such a great point to make.
Also, it’s good that Tyra Banks insisted on telling about her own experiences squatting over a small hand mirror at her mother’s instruction and that the moment it got awkward after telling that story and insisting that her horrified guest do that tonight at home, she cuts the tension and throws to an ad break. It would have been much better if she’d just sat there for a moment. Just an extra ten to twenty seconds, staring at the petrified white woman. Nobody moving, just sitting there…letting the imagery download.

Oh look, mildly off center British rocker Pete Doherty is shooting up heroin on camera. What a shocking, earth shattering surprise. Pete Doherty has until recently really been the poster boy for genius clarity and a promising future and all of a sudden that comes crashing down with the release of this new and paradigm shifting information.

There’s clearly something ethereal about Doherty that helps him evade reality apart from heroin though. How can you go so long with your drug abuse being so heavily documented and still not be in jail? Perhaps it is because he is God. God can’t be put in jail because God is God. Mind you, he did get his kitten addicted to crack so that might make him Satan. Satan still doesn’t go to jail either so there’s a clue.

The great part about this is the way the Sun runs the footage as easily as it’s anything else and then puts in a number you can call at the end of the footage so they don’t feel so obviously exploitative. Still, in an age where publicists just relentlessly deny everything to the point where it’s tired and pointless to even ask them what their response is – it’s interesting that the Sun went to the extent of making Doherty’s rep watch the footage. His only response being: "He's been a very foolish boy."

In a drinking contest, who could guzzle more Estonian vodka, I wonder. Pete Doherty’s publicist or Pete Doherty. I would be delighted to place them in a pen and find out. [source]

In her attempt to lash out at media whore Heather Mills, Stella McCartney has graciously and kindly made a necklace pendant shaped like one leg – in homage to the one remaining leg she has. These bitches are worse than Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton and, oh…that rancid pointless ho Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag. God, just writing those names is exhausting. It’s so much effort with so little actual return.

When Americans lash out at each other there’s a certain pageantry and melodrama about it because Americans are so much more emotionally expressive than so many other types of people. Especially the British. Well, dead fish are more emotionally expressive than the British really aren’t they? It’s for that reason that Stella McCartney is fascinating and also kind of a pioneer in expressing her displeasure at the existence of Heather Mills. What actually happened between them? Who really cares. It's chaos and madness and that's all that matters.

Stella McCartney grew up surrounded by celebrities and millions of dollars, probably in a castle not to mention the fact that she’s an only child so she never really learned to share. Remember those kids at school who were only children and you’d go to their house and they’d snatch stuff out of your hands and cry and complain and get everything they wanted? And you’d watch kind of amazed that someone would act like that even though you were only 7? Well, that’s Stella McCartney. Except she’s the daughter of a cultural institution so she’s in the Paris Hilton genre. It’s better when the English crack. They have so much more pent up everything. That’s why they all like having sex in buckets of food. That’s right, all of them. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A married couple from the town of Hell, Michigan just won the lottery so the hilarious headlines are flying left right and center. “Heaven in Hell”, “One Hell of a Lucky Day” , oh GOD, I’m dying. I really am. I mean, the town’s called Hell. Jesus, you could base a career on something like that. Good old small town America. You may marry your own brothers and sisters but at least you’ve got a sense of humour. Anyway, so these people from Hell (HA! There it is AGAIN!) won $115,001 on Halloween. By this rationale, you could almost cover anything that happens in Hell. Dentist from HELL eats lunch, dog from HELL shits on garden – oh, I can’t be bothered. [source]

In preparation for the Beijing Olympics, Beijing has installed a huge ferris wheel which they’re calling the Great Wheel of China. Because, there’s a Great Wall so….this is a funny play on that. Except that ferris wheels aren’t actually that interesting. I mean you spend the first 10 minutes just waiting for people to get on and off and then you go on a couple of circuits and then they make you get off. There’s no catering on board because that would be impossible, there’s also no really challenging speed. It’s really just pleasant circular motion. And then BANG, you realize you spend 10 freaking dollars on nothing. But, maybe the Chinese are hoping this will distract attention from their rat infused restaurants in the south, lack of crispy duck at public urinals, and bad record on human rights abuse. Yay Olympics! The Olympics bring out the needy, fame hungry whore in every city. Trust me. [source]

A new species of pig has been found in the Amazonian rainforest by a Dutch biologist called a "caitetu munde", meaning "great peccary which lives in pairs". How often do you get news like THAT!? This is no mystery beast that ends up being a coyote and it’s also no lost obese child star. It’s an actual species of wild pig that hasn’t been seen before. It sure has a lot of catching up to do starting with e mail. Maybe it will move to a new town and go to school and because it’s unaccustomed to local culture and contemporary technology there will be all MANNER of crazy capers. Its popularity will grow and then wane and then grow again. Particularly on graduation day. [source]

Just when you thought Western culture had reached its lunatic threshold with Brit, Michael Jackson is back. Isn’t that nice? I had assumed he was dead. But, no.

As though a metaphor for Jackson’s dwindling cultural relevance and grip on reality, Neverland Ranch has been photographed recently and it’s looking like an emaciated skeleton of its former self. TMZ reports that unless Jackson makes good on his 23 million dollar loan in the next 90 days the ranch will be sold off.

Meanwhile, Jackson is apparently living in an expensive home in Washington DC.
Funny, I always thought he was trying to disappear in the Middle East. Isn’t that why he started saying all those anti-semitic things? He was trying, in his own bizarre way, to suck up to the Saudis? Plus, I thought he’d attempted to buy an apartment on that Palm Tree Island.
I think at this stage it’s pretty clear he’s going to end up one of those weird old toothless men in downtown Brooklyn, sitting in the projects wrapped in a hessian cloak standing by a burning can telling stories of his youth. He’s sort of like Mozart in that way. [source]

The painfully razor jawed Dannii Minogue has a new album out called “Unleashed” which drops today and, what a surprise, it’s all essentially gay dance club music and it’s also not that great. Let’s be fair, I haven’t heard it but that’s what the astonishingly blunt review on “In the News” has published and look, they’re pretty much spot on about everything else "Dannii".

The thing about Dannii that is actually far more fascinating than her music career and the fact that she’s a judge on some show in the UK called X-Factor is that she’s got newsreader appeal. You just want her to crack and make a mistake and let it all out.

Having spent her entire life trying to be her sister and never quite making it but she never really had a tremendous breakdown in public. There were the times when she would appear, having had facial surgery so she could look like Kylie and it was almost too weird (it could never really be TOO weird, at a certain point it just keeps getting more entertaining) but ultimately you just know there’s an ocean of rage and resentment behind all that tightened skin and Australian ex-pat status anxiety.

Here’s her music video for "All I Wanna Do" when she was in her “maybe you’ll think I’m Kylie and you’ll give me a career for that” phase:

So, back to her anxiety. Yeah, it's safe to say there's a massive ocean of rage and crippling depressed ego inside that woman that is kept at bay by the odd appearance in the trash media and the release of a mechanical album aimed squarely at the gay community because pepped up gay, club going teenagers are seriously the only people deranged enough to buy her schmaltz and approach her delicate ego with a sense of empathy as well as cruel delighted irony.

I really want her to swear in public or on TV. Or just SOMETHING. She's always so innocuous and hot-wannabe. How can you come out with something like THIS:

and not have a planet of awestruck horror reach out and choke you every time you look in the mirror. [source]

Speaking of women who in showbiz who are consciously dealing with the ups and downs of balancing career and family – Christina Aguilera has finally FINALLY confirmed that, yes, she’s freaking pregnant. Christina Aguilera’s pregnancy is like Tom Cruise or Anderson Cooper’s sexuality. In fact, judging by J Lo’s reluctance to confirm her pregnancy it would seem that allowing people to know that you’re pregnant if you’re a pop star is on par with allowing people to know you’re gay if you have to be an alpha male on TV or the silver screen.

It seems to just boil down to business. It can be as plain as the nose on your face but if it’s not officially confirmed then there is this entire genre of people who will refuse to believe it in the fly over states who simply pay for tickets and CDs.

Why doesn’t Aguilera just work through her pregnancy? There’s got to be an untapped demographic of people who find it hot when a pregnant pop star runs through the dance moves on stage using only her arms while standing still and wearing a backbrace. I think it would be wise and appropriate to write a letter suggesting that. I shall begin immediately with my swan’s feather and parchment. [source]

It’s not exactly news anymore but you know, why not quickly check in with the Brit meister to see what unhinged shenanigans she’s been indulging in today. Finding out the extent to which Britney has managed to cause a scene has sort of become a calming, reliable ritual each day for me. Every day, there are new and wondrous scenes of wreckage and acne to survey. Maybe it’s close ups of her hair extensions, maybe it’s her dropping her chain smoking toddler as she mis-judges her ability to shovel fried corn syrup into her head and hold up a child at the same time. I, personally, have written several letters to her suggesting she recite a monologue by Ophelia from Hamlet so I also like to see if she takes my suggestion each day. Nothing yet but I am not giving up hope.

According to TMZ.com she parked her car in a handicapped zone while tanning in some crap LA strip mall tanning salon and over the weekend she went chandelier shopping and left the kids in the car in the company of the court appointed monitor. That’s what quality time is when you’re Jayden James and Sean Preston. Mind you, it WAS a chandelier she was after so I sort of think that's understandable. Food; absolutely not. Massive, probably totally classless gaudy light fixture for her Mc Mansion; totally fine.

There’s no more anyone can gather from this pattern. She’s letting it all hang out and she’s wandering around doing whatever the hell she wants and really, no one can stop her. After all, when you can spend over a hundred thousand dollars a month on entertainment for yourself – why bother washing your face? [source] [source]

Professionally angry TV court drama anchor Nancy Grace has relaxed her angry primary school teacher eyebrows enough to actually become the mother of twins; John David who weighed 5 lbs., 1 oz. at birth, and Lucy Elizabeth who weighed 2 lbs., 15 oz.

The thing about her is that she was so hardened from the repetitive performance of her self righteous crapfest TV show that when she got pregnant it was like a blow to her character. I wonder if having twins will make her less intolerant and judgmental. If it does then it’s goodbye TV career but if it doesn’t then she’s going to turn into a maniac being a freak all day at work and a mother at night.

One thing that’s for sure, her husband David Linch and those kids are almost certainly the only humans that have been inside Nancy Grace in years – who knows what he was on when THAT happened. A whole lot of silence and drinking would have happened afterwards though, that’s for sure. [source]

Week #44 in Review

The disconnect between popstar Britney Spears the product and Britney Spears the human became the most obvious it has ever been when her newest album, “Blackout” dropped this week and made a charge for the number one spot on the Billboard charts. As her album climbed to a prime position in the pop music sphere after having sold 124,000 copies in its first few days, Britney, herself, gave a half assed interview to a remarkably collected host Ryan Seacrest on LA radio and was then seen out in public dressed as a slutty rocker chick for Halloween.

The relentless barrage of bad press based on idle speculation about Britney’s personal life continued with reports that she is pregnant again, that she let some random man blow rails of coke off her breasts, and that she went out and got drunk with pro-footballer Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys. In addition to the speculative rumours, People Magazine reported the breakdown of Britney’s monthly income illustrating that she spends over a hundred thousand dollars a month on entertainment, gifts and vacations.

Musician Amy Winehouse sang at the Europe MTV Awards and while the melody was essentially intact, sheessentially failed to sing actual consonants and afterwards musician Pete Doherty was quoted as saying, “I wouldn’t give her any advice, she’s fine…Perfectly happy and healthy. “

Actor Tom Cruise stated in an interview that he treats all his children in exactly the same way regardless of whether or not they are adopted, Beatle Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills jumped back on the publicity bandwagon and struck hard at her ex-husband in an interview with The Today Show’s Matt Lauer claiming at one point that she had considered suicide as a result of the relentless bad press she gets, performer J Lo’s new film “Bordertown” was reported to be going straight to DVD which follows on in the tradition of her last movie “El Cantante” and the album she released before that; both of which flopped.

It was reported that actor Owen Wilson could be dating pop star Jessica Simpson, Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly sent a producer and camera man to ambush comedienne Rosie O’Donnell at her own book signing and then edited the footage to make her look far more petulant than she really was, talk show host Oprah Winfrey went into damage control mode as reports that matrons in her South African Girls’ School were abusing the girls; she gave every student at the school a cell phone and a direct number on which to contact her.

Socialite Nicole Richie was allegedly seen smoking while pregnant according to the New York Post’s Cindy Adams but the next day it was established that the sighting reported by Adams was implausible as Richie was not in New York at the time she was meant to have been seen.
Photographer Mario Testino published photos of a shirtless actor Jake Gyllenhaal, Page Six headlined photos of actor Sarah Jessica Parker in a wedding gown from the set of the Sex and the City movie where she looked like a very old Manhattan matron and everyone was just mad about pictures of a shirtless Maroon 5 frontman, Adam Levine.

In Australia a crocodile was caught an jailed after it antagonized several vacationers as they tried to tie up their boat and a church in Melbourne started having church services in a pub while in Asia, former Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono released an album of love ballads. The northern Chinese city of Zhengzhou banned the use of words such as “seductive” and “foxy lady” in marriage advertisements in an attempt to cut down on marriage license fraud. In India, forty countries sent delegates to the World Toilet Summit to discuss the fact that 40% of the world has no access to toilets.

In the United States, New Jersey resident Andrew Marino, 24 was allegedly found having sex with the corpse of a 92 year old woman and faces 10 years prison if convicted, the EPA announced that squirrel meat in New Jersey is safe to eat. In Texas, a strange beast rumored to be the mythical “chupacubra” was revealed to be merely a coyote and the small town of Albert, Texas was up for sale on eBay. In Europe and the UK a woman in London cremated what she thought was the body of her son only to have him walk through the front door later that day very much alive.

In numbers and records news, a 100 year old Scottish woman may have broken a world record by paragliding off the top of a mountain range in Cyprus, the oldest recipe for bratwurst was discovered in Germany by Historian Hubert Erzmann and a competition to find the world’s best male and female asses resulted in 2 people from the Balkans being chosen out of 130,000 entrants. A German pensioner cut down 122 trees because they blocked his view and Georgian athlete Lasha Pataraia more than likely broke the record for the world’s strongest ears when he managed to drag a helicopter weighing close to 8 metric tonnes a total distance of 26 meters and 30 centimeters (28.4 yards and 11.8 inches) using only his left ear.

“It was very difficult, I was very nervous,” he told Reuters Television. “I hope in the future with both my ears to move a subject twice as heavy as this one. “

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A weird, pretty unattractive hairless dog beast that many in Texas assumed hysterically was a mythical beast has, after tests done at the University of Texas, turned out to be a coyote. These weird assed beasts show up every now and then in various parts of the world, often in the US and they always turn out to be odd variations on dogs. There was the blue furred freak-animal in Maine last year, then the pack of oddly large hounds on the moors in the UK, the male rapist monster in Africa and of course, there was that drunk moose in Sweden. Although, I think the Swedes were pretty comfortable with the fact that it was just a drunk moose. The best part about these happenings is what it brings out in people. Texans were already calling it Chupacabra – the mythical goat monster that sucks. I’ll wager that some dumb ass Texan thought it was Satan and blamed gay black people for it. He probably got Government funding. [source]

A woman in London went and had her son cremated. There’s no real story there is there. I mean, that probably happens every day. Meanwhile, here’s the interesting part: just after she cremated him, he walked in alive. She cremated the wrong body because she identified the wrong body. The Police Commissioner dealing with the case was quoted as saying: “This set of circumstances is clearly distressing and urgent inquiries are ongoing to establish how this happened.” Actually, it seems like it’s unbelievably amazing for the woman who thought she’d cremated her son. I mean, in fact, it probably couldn’t GET any better for her. I’d even say she would probably have considered it the best day of her life. For the family of the cremated person – not so much. Although, he was dead before they cremated him so there is that comfort. Cremation didn’t cause the death. We’re clear on that much. [source]

Some vacationing Australians at the Nhulunbuy Yacht Club were out in a boat and they found a crocodile that got quite aggressive as they were hauling in their boat ramp – no doubt after listening to them talk to each other about the footy, beer and whatever the hell else outback Australian vacationers talk about. They called the police who came along to see what the fuss was about and, with the help of the Parks and Wildlife Service, they took the crocodile away and put it in a jail cell. Then, no doubt, they all had a good laugh about it down at the pub and then beat each other up and laughed about it. Good old rural Australians; always finding new things to do. [source]

CNN reports that the matron at Oprah Winfrey’s school in South Africa who was allegedly abusing the girls in her care was arrested by South African police. Oprah has released a statement thanking them for their help.

People Magazine put together their own report and made the claim that Oprah has promised to buy all the girls at her school cell phones and has given them all her direct number so they can call her whenever they need to.

To actually get to Oprah Winfrey at all would take a lot of god damned work let alone get her phone number. I mean, there are probably people out there who feel really accomplished if they manage to get a meeting with say, her seventieth in command. Giving out her direct line to the kids must mean this is a hard core serious liability for Oprah.

But the interesting thing will be how Oprah deals with the phone calls from kids who really don’t have anything to say, they’re just bragging to their friends in the desert about how they can call Oprah whenever they want.

This is becoming Oprah’s Achilles Heel. They call up and she’s in a board room running say, all culture in the northern hemisphere and she looks at the number and thinks, “I’ll let it go to voicemail” and then she remembers the unpleasantness. So, she has to stop the board meeting and answer and hear about how hot Corey Feldman and Ricky Schroeder are because South Africa only just got License to Drive and Silver Spoons.

This might be the point where Oprah starts to slip a bit. Not because she’s responsible for the abuse but because now she’s a South African poor smart girl’s bitch. [source]

Here's a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal that people are sort of obsessing over online today. It's taken from Mario Testino's new book, "Let Me In". It's not that Jake Gyllenhaal isn't attractive, it's that liking him is so GLAAD Media Awards. It's almost the equivalent of getting an apartment in Chelsea and obsessing over whether to wear pleat or flat fronted pants. It's just become part of the formula. Yeah, this is kind of a nothing post. I think I'll do more Nothing Posts even now and then, just to slut up the blog. This all started with that rancid Chris Crocker. What a pointless nightmare HE turned out to be.

The New York Post and People Magazine and, well let’s face it, pretty much every other media outlet in the universe have reported that documents about exactly how much money Britney Spears makes and then spends have been released to the public (because, we were totally in dire need of that information) and it’s more or less as follows:

Britney's Expenses:
• $102,000 on entertainment, gifts and vacation
• $49,267 on mortgage payments
• $16,000 on clothes
• $4,758 on eating out
• $2,500 on phone bills


And now it’s a little clearer why Britney hasn’t completely crashed and burnt herself away at this point. $102,000 a month on entertainment alone can keep a lot of sadness and horrifying self realization at bay. This was my theory all along – that Britney was buying the meltdown away. With that amount of money being funneled out to restaurants, hotels, Starbucks and whatever the hell else she buys…WIGS, that’s it – well, hair treatments now since she’s passed through the awkward intermediate hair stage that had her looking like a lesbian math teacher from 1982, she can keep herself padded from realizing the languid chaotic seal she’s become.


Meanwhile, look at Federline.

Kevin's Expenses:

• $5,000 on entertainment, gifts and vacation

• $7,500 on rent

• $2,000 on clothes

• $1,500 on eating out

• $750 on phone bills

I'm really astounded he isn't spending more money on clothes. To look like a wigger pimp takes some cash. You can never really be seen in the same outfit twice when you’re a wigger pimp rapper asshole white trash rat faced brother having pimp moocher. Otherwise, people start to doubt your commitment to your goal of being a supported by a financially independent woman. He better keep those kids or its life aspirations down the toilet.

The rent part I also don’t understand. In New York City 7500 a month is a lot of money let alone in LA. Where is he living? A white trash pimp wigger pimp mansion? Maybe he needs the extra bedrooms for his hos. You gotta have hos when you’re a white trash pimp wigger trash pimp ass ghetto pimp ass. [source]

For the past couple of days Heather Mills has been doing the rounds on TV attempting cultural relevance again by slagging off her ex-husband Paul McCartney and the New York Post reports that it’s getting worse with rumours circulating that she has a tape that proves McCartney hit her and that he’s cheap. The astonishingly self indulgent Today Show piece on her that ran yesterday is here. As far as I can tell this is pretty much on par, in terms of an arbitrary nausea inducing scale, with the times she would walk in and out of the Dancing with the Stars set carrying a bag full of prosthetic legs just so she could make sure everyone got a really good eye full.

Its interesting that the media obsession over her fake leg was far more lucrative for her publicity wise while she was on Dancing with the Stars than her divorce from Paul McCartney even though that was essentially the only reason she was on the show. What she was doing there was building a base from which to work on her own notoriety. She started off with the divorce and then took it other places hoping people would care and remember her.

Evidently they didn’t because if they did she wouldn’t be sitting on TV crying and hocking her divorce for publicity. I mean, where has she been for the past six months? Nowhere, that’s where. The crippling horror of pending cultural irrelevance no doubt started to eat out her soul and so BANG here we are, back at square one. The British press love it though. She slags them off and that sells well so they run it. With Britney Spears and Heather Mills, culture is really eating itself this week. [source]

Amy Winehouse Back to Black [Live EMA 2007]
Uploaded by x-julii3n

Amy Winehouse hit the ball out of the park last night at the MTV Europe Awards there’s really no other way to explain it. Her performance of whatever it was she was performing actually plays out similar to the purely absurd early work of French and Saunders. People are dragging out the hate for Winehouse now, saying she’s a mess but really, she’s just throwing the ball back in Britney’s court. This is what we in the business call a good old fashioned, international stage “CRACK down”. There hasn’t been one of these in I don’t know how long but they’re actually fascinating to watch. If Winehouse and Spears were lions or baboons there would be screaming and attacking and much wailing and gnashing of teeth but seeing as they’re pop wrecks, the game is so much more intense.

What will Britney do next? How about an unanticipated miscarriage on television or, for that matter, while out in LA dancing on a tabletop. Whatever she does, it’s going to have to be pretty outrageous because, commenting on Winehouse’s performance, uber-stud Pete Doherty said:

"I wouldn't give her any. She's fine. It's all bollocks. People should leave her alone. I went for a drink with her earlier today and she's totally fine. Perfectly healthy and happy.

"People are saying she's out of control, but she's not. She's a sensible girl and she knows what she's doing. She ain't doing nothing wrong."

Which is actually entirely true if you’re from the freaking insane planet Pete Doherty is from where up is down and vitamin C is heroin and “fuck off you god damned talentless freak” means “you are my God”. Furthermore, with Doherty's backing Winehouse has racked up some solid freak points.

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Albert, Texas, a tiny yet historical town is up for sale on eBay with a price of about $2.705 million and if you read the description it says that President Lyndon Johnson went to school in the town in 1920. That’s all really in order but I really think the glaring question here is, who the god damned hell buys a town on e bay? I mean, this is nowhere near as ludicrous as that frustrated journalist from Belgium who put his entire nation up for sale (despite not even owning it! SHAME!). Of course, with these small yet historical towns you also have to be careful that it’s not a ghost or some kind of scam. How annoying and also spooky would it be to buy a town on ebay and then turn up to get it and have some old toothless crow sit there and stare at you through her one good eye while holding a rifle that dates back to the Civil War only to hear her say, “Why…that town hasn’t been there in 40 years…” . Then you’d be really screwed. [source]

130,000 people from all over the world entered a competition held by a lingerie company which was designed to pick the best ass in the world for a modeling contract. The two people who won were both from The Balkans which begs the obvious question, “Was the company too based in the Balkans?”. That is of lesser concern at the moment though because while the winners were Kristina Dimitrova, 19, and the pretentiously named 24-year-old Andrei Andrei, the AFP report features only a picture of Dimitrova’s ass. Andrei’s is nowhere to be found. You can find other pictures of him posing like an energy vacuum but none of his apparently noteworthy ass. The pic on the right is of Dimitrova and I think its safe to say that those yellow lace gloves had something to do with her buttock based triumph. [source]

A German pensioner just cut down 122 trees that were thoughtlessly and selfishly getting in the way of his view. Actually, the report says that he SECRETLY cut down 122 trees. How do you secretly cut down one tree let alone 122 of them? Well, that’s a matter for another time but what’s good about it is the reporter got in a quote from the police: "He told us he wanted to enjoy an unobstructed view of the Baltic," about 50 metres from his cottage, said Jan-Hendrik Wulff, a police spokesman in the northern city of Luebeck. It’s good that he used the word “enjoy”. To be obsessed enough and angry and freaked out enough to cut down 122 trees just for a view (and what a view it would now be – a landscape littered with the massacred remains of a small forest) you’re probably not really capable of much enjoyment. Good. [source]

InTouch Weekly is reporting that Britney was blowing rails and had some guy do coke off her breasts the very same night that she lost custody of her boys. This is the case even though she passed her drug test the next day.

There are so many components here to follow. Was she depressed because her spawn was taken away? Was she indifferent? Did she do coke? How could she have done coke if she passed a drug test? InTouch even goes so far as to ask, “Did she cheat on her drug test?”

I thought they watched the urine flow out of your body in drug tests? God, what a bizarre job.

At this point, while the only thing Britney has really hard core cheated on is her alleged diet, she’s leading the way in irrational behavior anyway so it’s sort of only natural that the media would just follow suit and go completely apeshit in reporting every single tiny thing they hear without worrying about whether or not it could be true. I mean, what are some of the other rumours – Dlisted is reporting that Mario Cruz is not the father of the kid currently incubating inside Britney. Hello, what? Mario Cruz? He’s responding to a rumour that was apparently doing the rounds by squashing it and also, what kid? She’s got another kid? Who cares – lets just obsess and stew over everything. Hooray, something for America to cling to besides TV and religion.[source]

Speaking of photos of people, everyone online is obsessing over this shot of Adam Levine from Maroon 5 because he’s shirtless having dressed up as Tyler Durden from Fight Club for Halloween. I’m not sure what the point is apart from the fact that he’s got his shirt off. So, here it is. He doesn’t look too out of the ordinary or insanely hot although, if you really scrutinise it, it looks like someone has had a hack at his left pectoral muscle at some point so that’s interesting.

Who would have stabbed Adam Levine like that? Who? I will not stop thinking about this until the mystery is solved. Additionally, this is basically a nothing post but let me, while I’m apparently focusing on writing about nothing, put it out there that it would be cool to see David Beckham or Pete Wentz dress up like Tarzan. I’m just saying.[source]

Page Six online is headlining a photo of Sarah Jessica Parker that really does make her look like she’s about 87 years old. I mean, it’s one of those photos where you look at it and it’s like you’re staring into not only a pretty astonishing vision of what Carrie Bradshaw is destined to look like in her old age but you’re also maybe even staring into the very eyes of death itself. I mean, figuratively. She’s striking a fairly intense profile pose so it’s not a direct window into her soul but the idea is there.

If you look at it long enough actually, she looks like a cross between the Wicked Witch of the West and your quintessential Manhattan lady who lunches; with a maddeningly expensive gown distracting from her drawn taut face and prominent nose. Plus, check out the hands – if those aren’t the hands of a nervous teenaged boy then I don’t care enough to come up with another analogy.

This is apparently what’s interesting to me today. [source]

US Weekly reports that Britney’s new album “Blackout” sold 124,000 copies in its first day meaning that it is a #1 for sure. You’d be forgiven if you actually were surprised about this because rationally, the idea that you can be a complete insane white trash train wreck usually doesn’t coincide with being able to bring out anything potentially successful let alone an album on an international scale.

Britney, however, isn’t like other people. Britney gets around having to have been seriously focused on this latest album because, for the most part, she’s not really involved. She’s sort of like Kylie Minogue – the early years in that way. I mean, she shows up flops around a bit, squawks into a microphone in between gulps of frozen margarita and handfuls of boneless buffalo wings eaten out of a white box made from compressed Chanel gowns and then she rolls home and flounces about there but the real work was done by the producers.

It’s actually the most amazing look into how the hard core produced plastic music industry works. For the most part these manufactured bands put up a good front in the sense that they try and look like they’re involved and present as they go through the motions of their constructed characters performing other people’s music but really, this shows that in America you don’t even really have to do that. All you have to do is show up some of the time. The machines do the rest. [source]

After the astonishingly bad and embarrassing interview she sort of half ass gave to Ryan Seacrest on LA radio yesterday as her album dropped (which can be heard here if you have the stomach for it), TMZ reports that Britney again wowed the public with her annoying inability to function by going out for Halloween dressed as some rancid slutty rocker chick. Again, insisting on wearing transparent mesh and figure hugging lycra. That alone should be grounds for indictment at the moment.

Her entourage Alli Sims and the vitally important moocher Sam Lufti were cleverly and subversively dressed as photographers from x17 and TMZ thus creating a deep social and personal commentary from Britney about how hellish her life is with the photographers following her every move yet all the while ensuring coverage of her exploits during the night; such a conflicting duality of motivations.

Ok look. Britney really is a God damned failure. I had this therapist who said that Elaine Stritch was totally inadequate as a woman and while I think he was utterly ludicrous, that phrase really applies here. Britney IS totally inadequate as a human, much less a woman. Talking about Britney’s issues always has to be prefaced by a certain understanding and empathy though in much the same way that you have to be really careful about what words you use when you talk about the troops. She’s unwell, she was exploited by her husband, she’s mentally unstable… and all because she, at one point, was the squeaky clean embodiment of American sexual desire. At a certain point, it gets repetitive and she’s just appalling.

She needs to wash her face, get off the fast food, get rid of her rancid assed friends and disappear. She’s needed to do that for a year. But wait, that’s right – she has an album that dropped yesterday. Oh ok – well, why not gear up for a national tour. It could be called the “”Dropped My Guts Tour” or some other crap. Actually, “Some other crap” works too. [source]