The Reluctant Whore

I’m really astonished I didn’t know this happened earlier in the week but, as Gawker is reporting, there was a strange and mysterious beast that washed up on the shore in Montauk and it looks like a miniature gryphon. All sorts of people are talking about it and wondering what on earth it could be. Some people think it’s the result of a weird experiment gone wrong at some kind of animal experimentation plant the government has on Long Island, some people think it’s a monstrous mythical beast dinosaur apocalypse heralder terrorist corn syrup obesity terror killer bees no health insurance because big business has corrupted the White House 9/11 was an inside job monster and who am I to do anything but subtly encourage that hysteria for my own amusement.

One thing I do know is that I do enjoy a quality beast story. I remember the good old days of the 6 legged deer that was hunted and eaten somewhere in the North East, then there was the strange blue, blue dog beast in Maine and the weird Hound of the Baskerville boar type thing that was seen on the moors of Scotland where the Hound of the Baskervilles was set. All I know is, from the picture above it looks about medium rare and needs basting.

Meanwhile, the energy drink known as Venom has offered a lifetime supply of their drink and a corporate sponsorship to anyone who can capture a live one. Wow, totally. Sign me up. I’m desperate for a heart attack inducing level of caffeine in a slim line can with a huge amount of vitamin B and art direction that inflates the cultural impact of the product way beyond anything it could possibly be capable of without a good art director and coke fueled branding wanker. Why is it that the brand managers of these types of drinks always seem like cooler version of used car salesmen?

Which brings me to my next point. Today, this very day, I found out that there’s another, yet another energy drink. Pussy. Isn’t that great? Puffin Killer Gordon Ramsay is featured on the Pussy Website talking to professionally gay talk show host Graham Norton about it. Gosh, I’m sold.

So, we’ve got Venom, Pussy, Cocaine and Kabbalah Energy Drink to name but four. I am desperate for and actually thinking about marketing my own brand of energy drink and calling it Anal Soul Rape. That’d really cut to the core of the cultural discourse being stimulated through hyped up energy drinks in slim line cans, I think. In fact, I would go so far as to say that energy drinks are the street level cultural equivalent of a fragrance. They’re a strangely malleable blank canvas upon which you can project any kind of identity and mystique and I want to project soul rape. Hooray!

So, in short – there’s some kind of Apocalypse coming because of a weird beast in Montauk and now you can go out and order pussy in a can. Puffin Killer Gordon Ramsay does. [source] [source] [source]