I'm off to Australia and so I'm madly getting ready to leave. Can't obsess over celebrity inanity today.

I will be back in the saddle from there though. Daily blogging might be difficult but there are so many douche bag delusional c-list celebrities in Australia that I'm pretty sure I'll be offloading regularly. Full-on blogging returns July 20.

In the meantime, here's Ladytron's "Destroy Everything You Touch" which I cannot stop listening to.

And this is Patti Lupone at the Tonys singing her showstopper from "Gypsy". It is astonishing that someone so "insane" could come out with such a flawless performance. There's literally nothing wrong with it.

Standing still has been the best career move Kevin Federline has made. In Touch Weekly is reporting that K-Fed is about to be paid around a million dollars to be the face of Christopher Brian Collection which I’m assuming is a fashion line.

The Fed-ex was famous first for marrying Britney Spears, then he was famous for being a moocher and a slacker and now he’s famous for essentially standing still and being quiet. Aggressively not doing anything is what he does best.

I’d say that the first and third things are proving to have been the most lucrative for him. I mean, he got kids and therefore cash for life from Britney for child support. THEN, and this was his best move ever, he just stopped going out and doing anything and as Britney had a public meltdown, by default he won credibility by standing still.

He should stand still and not do things more often. He’s potentially getting this deal, there are mentions of his “music” career and “film” career – which has got to just be his publicist’s way of hyping him up for potential roles even though there are none – and a little while ago he won a completely pointless award for being a great father from a Las Vegas Nightclub.

That still baffles me. It’s like giving Naomi Campbell a humanitarian award. Or Dina Lohan a “Good Mother” award. In fact, it’s virtually identical to the Dina Lohan thing. Incidentally, where's K-Fed's rat head brother? Haven't heard from him in a long time. Maybe he's in prison. Sure, that'll do.

Anyway, K-Fed needs to keep up this silence so he can cash in. Paradoxically, his actual talent level is so abysmal, that if he actually takes up these work offers he has been granted for not doing anything he’ll render himself unemployable. Isn’t that funny? Isn’t it funny how things work? [source]

The Times in the UK is reporting that Madonna has engaged the services of Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who handled Sir Paul McCartney’s divorce from Old Peg Leg. Of course, nothing is confirmed regarding Madonna’s divorce because she’s going to remain in control until it suits her but the one thing they’re speculating about is whether or not she had a pre-nup.

Even if we don’t have any idea for sure and have not confirmation from Madonna, who on earth would think that she wouldn’t have had an iron clad pre-nup set up? Madonna’s main skill is outsourcing talent and controlling it. I mean, that’s all she really does. The woman keeps her personality under wraps like it’s locked in a safe, why would her money be any different.

Totally ridiculous.

The only thing that could fuck Madonna is if she actually takes religion seriously. That could have meant she made herself unnaturally subservient to her husband and that could screw her. I don’t believe she would do that though. She’s her own God.

Poor Guy Ritchie. He’s going to end up …well, actually maybe he’ll get his balls back and actually do something that isn’t completely pointless. [source]

Well, look at that. Lohan’s got an album coming out in November and it’s got tracks produced by Pharrell Williams, Akon, StarGate and Bloodshy & Avant. Now listen, I’m no expert on music the kids like these days and frankly, I probably can’t even pronounce those names properly let alone know what the hell they do but it seems to me that we might have another Britney Spears type album on our hands.

Like Britney, Lohan could feasibly just turn up and burp into a microphone and the entirely clear headed, viciously ambitious and technically adept producers can filter out all that insanity and residual childhood horror and they might come out with a quality album.

The thing is, Lohan will have to figure out if she’s going for reincarnated pop star OR if she’s going for complex, haunted young pop star. See, Britney was totally in the complex, haunted pop star stage when she was dealing with her album promotion including that staggering, languid porpoise show at the VMAs. Not a lot of artists could top that level of crapulence so Lohan had better up the ante and start hammering down a shit load of booze and fried chicken OR she’d better be tight and clean.

Sadly, I can’t see her doing either right now. She isn’t drinking or taking drugs so “messy” is out of the question and she isn’t completely on top of anything so “tight and clean” is less likely.

People are probably waiting for a coherent, musical commentary on everything that has happened with Lohan since she screamed in the delicate, subtle and understated music video for “Confessions of a Broken Heart”. It’s hard to really see what she’s trying to say in this music video. See if you can figure it out. I’m stumped. I’m thinking it’s about World War 2 or dinosaurs but look, from the little we know about her life it could be anything really.

[source]

Minutes after Tori Spelling gave birth to her little daughter, Stella Doreen she’s slap bang on the front cover of OK! Magazine. Ok, well, not minutes, about 14 days. The kid is fourteen days old and she’s already in a magazine. I guess it’s understandable because as the kid gets older and as she’s snapped by the paparazzi she becomes less valuable and as the price for pics of the kid goes down the more Tori and Dean will actually have to do something for money to support their surgery and shopping habits.

I kid, Tori’s great. I’m not happy about her surgery and boring reality show career choices but NOTORIOUS was a great show – sincerely self deprecating and funny. She’s not as bad as they’re making her out to be.

So, who knows how much she got for the pics but that’s less interesting to me at this point than the pic of their other little son, Liam who is in the spread as well. The pic above is genius. He’s just so completely left out and is bored.

She’s out there flogging her kid, LA style and he’s trying to find out when he can get the hell out.

He’s great. “Um, listen…I realize this is a family requirement but can someone please give me an idea of how long this is going to take? I’ve got lego houses to build and I’m scheduled to run around in circles in the backyard with a big stick at 2. I just don’t want to miss anything….Anyone? ANYONE?”

But Tori never answers. She just sits and smiles. Relentlessly. Thinking about that check. Liam is going to be fascinating when he grows up. Hopefully less fat and douchey than his pointless uncle too. [source]

Ok so basically, I’m pretty sure that the New York Post runs stories about sports mega stars making children cry when they have nothing else better to do. I mean, admittedly, it is kind of a good story format because you get all the elements you need for a rousing dinner party anecdote but really it’s just the same story as David Beckham not seeing some kid whose mother bought charity item tickets to a Beckham game which included meeting him afterwards earlier this week.

Here are the details for this charmer:

Michael Jordan was leaving the Kobe Club in Miami, which, and I’m taking a wild guess here but I think you’ll agree with me, is a more than likely a club that serves only slabs of Kobe beef on platters dripping with blood for exorbitant prices to vampires and celebrities. There are very few poor vampires as we know, so, the price can be sky high and as a result the club can be exclusively for the rich, famous and violently bloodthirsty. Sadly, you can’t get real kobe beef in the US because it’s the Champagne of Japan and can only be bought in Japan. You can get a virtually identical product but it’s not kobe beef and as a result the club is built on lies.

Anyway, so back to the central point. Some kid was standing outside waiting for Michael Jordan and he begged Michael Jordan for an autograph but Michael Jordan ignored him and drove off. The kid was even wearing Michael Jordan shoes. The 250 dollar sneakers.

The Post’s item wasn’t too long but I would bet that that kid was in a Hessian sack and Michael Jordan shoes and that he was an abuse victim orphan who could barely breathe due to juvenile emphysema brought on by his white slave trade involved smoker parents who died in a car crash after putting him in the back seat of a car without strapping him in and driving off drunk and while driving at full speed screaming abuse at him as he tried gently to show them a picture of a freaking cat and a house that he’d drawn. The house had a swirly line to represent smoke coming out of the chimney. He survived because he was thrown out the front window and the mountains of fat that leaked out of his mother’s severed gut cushioned his fall onto the road. The mother existed on a diet of frosting, Jack Daniels, cigarettes, and tissue paper when she randomly felt like she should diet so that’s why she was so fat. He begged and pleaded with passers by for money to buy food, went hungry and found a Hessian sack to wear when his clothes wore out, bought the sneakers with his food money and walked 20 miles to the Kobe Club in the hopes of finding Jordan.

Then, the rich and powerful, narcissistic Michael Jordan walked out in front of the Kobe Club after nibbling a little at a 6000 dollar steak before throwing it away and laughing at the indulgence of it all, called for 3 18 year old hookers to be placed in his limo, as he made his way to the door and barged past the small, selfless abuse victim boy. The boy cried a single tear for it was all the energy he had left.

He dropped his camera and fell to his knees. His soul had cracked.

Yeah, that’s what really happened. The moral the Post wants you to remember is that really highly paid sports stars hate and probably eat children. They also feed off the sadness of children so…aren’t you glad you found that out? [source]

Anderson Cooper was interviewing a panel that included Rev. Al Sharpton last night on CNN and he danced delicately about the topic of his apparent pending damnation to Hell. Sharpton said:

"I may have some very conservative personal feelings but I feel you have the right to live your life differently. I may think that what you do Anderson is gonna put you in Hell, but I'm gonna defend your right to get there."

Anderson laughed it off like a cocky political science major and said: "I appreciate all your concerns about my afterlife. I'm personally not all that concerned, but that's a whole other discussion."

Of course we all know that Anderson Cooper is going to Hell for being a homo so there’s no real need for argument there…

Al Sharpton seems to have lost a little weight since he was tap dancing for votes on Saturday Night Live last federal election. He’s lost a little weight and his hair is less shiny. The more he speaks the more obvious it becomes that he’s often a blowhard politico rather than a Reverend. I’ve never heard a Reverend deem themselves irrelevant by saying that he doesn’t care if someone chooses to go to Hell so quickly as Sharpton did.

God, religion is absurd. Someone was wearing a t shirt at the gym last night that read “God is Great” and I just thought, “What an inane thing to wear”. I mean, everything else about that guy’s life is grunt level dealing with the chaos of daily life and reality and all of a sudden he wears a t shirt that says as absurd and abstract as “God is Great”. God being God. Like, you know…God. On a t shirt.

Ok whatever. So, the point was Anderson Cooper giggled off another probable reference to him being a butt pirate and consequently, I will take a wild guess that the girls over a gawker are all a twitter. Oh look, I was right.

Here I was thinking that the reality show, “The Two Coreys” had been cancelled and all of a sudden season 2 is about to launch. This is really great show. As I’ve discussed, there’s literally no reason to miss an episode. Ever.

But anyway, what a launch it is too. Apparently they’re not so friendly anymore and in a leaked bit of video footage, Corey Haim accuses Corey Feldman of not being a good friend because:

"You let me get f*****d around in my life. Raped, so to speak, when I was 14 and a half, by a guy you still hang out with."

Wow, talk about coming out guns ablazin’. There was speculation that the rapist was Michael Jackson but then, Haim made the explicit statement that it wasn't so that's that.

After the conversation that included the above line, they decided not to be friends anymore which of course makes for a great second act to their show…

Corey Haim was quoted in GQ as saying:

It's something that will be addressed in my inner soul for the rest of my life, and it's something that truly affects me, and I opened up a can of worms, so to speak. Every day I opened up, like, a can of sardines. It's something I've addressed. Psychiatrists can be helpful. They have the medications and blah-blah-blah. But I don't want any of that, man. I've dealt with this, and I'm dealing with this—second by second, minute by minute, day by day. Everything's cool. It's just like, It happened, it's over, and move on. Let's move on to the next subject."

The next subject, of course, being the next season of their TV show! Please watch it! It’s all they have!

Wait, was that callous?

[source]

Page Six reports that Naomi Campbell was meant to walk in the Rosa Cha swimsuit show in Sao Paolo last weekend but due to the “legal unpleasantness” she is currently embroiled in, she was unable to get there in time. In case you don’t already know, she’s been sentenced to several hundred hours community service and a fine of about 5000 pounds. It’s not exactly 5000, it’s something like 4895. Just to make it a little annoying. Yes, that’s the only reason why.

SO – seeing as Campbell couldn’t make it they got Brazillian male supermodel, Rodrigo Rothen to go out on the catwalk and then later in the show he stripped naked and showered on stage. This is Rodrigo Rothen:

The Post reports that and then the write: “much to the horror of the aghast socialites in the audience.”

I’m sorry, what? An aging, mean spirited, gorgon model is swapped out for a stunning young male model who showers naked on stage and people are aghast and horrified? Lies. Utter lies.

Firstly, what are they, dead on the inside? If this happened in New York then maybe I’d buy it but even then, I’m not sure. What South American socialite would be horrified and aghast at the sight of a nude male model body? What SANE person would be? I mean, religious folk, insecure straight men and humourless lesbians would be but who cares about them?

God, this is ridiculous. This story is all about cultural success. Naomi Campbell is trapped in a suburban court in England and can’t leave. A Brazilian male model goes naked on stage. I just honestly can’t come up with anything else to say. If you don’t get it by now there’s something inherently wrong with you.

[source]

Even though she designed the gown Carrie wore to her non-wedding in the Sex and the City Movie, Vivienne Westwood has come out and said that she found the movie’s fashion styling quite uninspiring and dull. Wait, I shouldn’t paraphrase the woman who styled the punk movement. She’s the only designer who, when she speaks, I don’t go into a coma so I’ll let her pearls of spiked wisdom speak for themselves.

"I thought 'Sex and the City' was supposed to be about cutting-edge fashion and there was nothing remotely memorable or interesting about what I saw.
"I went to the premiere and left after 10 minutes."

I actually had the same inclination when I saw Sex and the City but we didn't leave because it was actually fun to yell "You're NOT HER!" at all the suburban slabs of tuna who paraded in to the cinema at midnight on a Thursday with their ridiculously over styled hair, short dresses and stiletto heels. When I say tuna I mean women AND gay men. Let's not pretend it was just the women.

But you know, sure Vivienne Westwood looks just like the Emperor from the Empire Strikes Back or some strange uber-dalek from Dr Who with the minor addition of the yellow hair, white face and oddly dark lipstick but I really do agree with her. I would even go so far as to suggest that she speaks, as she has historically been wont to do, for an entire generation of people.

The movie was shockingly sub-standard – except for that one nude scene involving that guy who showered outside and Cynthia Nixon in general. Wait – I’ve been through this before, twice.

To be fair, I wouldn’t know if the fashion was cutting edge or not because I gave up trying to understand fashion years ago. It’s the most ridiculously inane form of expression despite the fact that decorating the human body makes so much sense if you want to say something about yourself to other people through symbols. Most of the reason I don’t like to hang out with fashion people is that they’re predictably shallow and think that by reveling in their shallowness they make themselves look powerful, they’re usually exhaustively self absorbed and usually they do that thing where you talk to them and they’re looking around the room incessantly so they can see if there’s anyone more important to talk to. God, it’s insufferable. And they’re usually not that articulate or intelligent anyway. Most of what they have to say is mindless, fad driven fluff because when you get down to it, they’re surface dwelling show ponies.

I think Vivienne Westwood has a bit going on though.

I’ll leave the fashion comments to Vivienne Westwood. When I saw her in Vienna last year she really is just like Elaine Stritch in that she’s old enough to say what she thinks with brutal honesty and not sugar coat it. I enjoy that in an old broad. Hell, I just enjoy the old broads.

Here’s Vivienne Westwood at Sao Paolo Fashion Week this year

[source]

I KNEW Cynthia Nixon wouldn’t get freaked out and have breast implants installed. I KNEW IT! She didn’t, by the way. The Daily News is reporting that actually she was at the hospital to have her three monthly check-up after she beat breast cancer. Here’s what she said:

"I was at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital for my 'three-monthly' checkup," said Nixon, a breast-cancer survivor. "I was in the Oncology Department. I guess they think that means 'plastic surgery.'"

"We got a call from [the Post] asking if I'd had breast augmentation, and my publicist laughed at them and said, 'No, of course not.' But they printed it anyway. If I was going to get a boob job, wouldn't it make sense that I'd get it before 'Sex and the City'?"

And, of course, there’s no mention of this response in the Post because that would mean they look ridiculous. Which they did then and do now. I always knew that she wouldn’t have had breast implants. I genuinely think that if you have enough talent to fall back on you don’t go in for a whole lot of surge. Meryl Streep said she realized that if she was going to be a great actress she would have to give up any remnant of vanity or she’d be blocking herself.

With a girlfriend like hers, it really seems like Cynthia Nixon has, in fact, given up a lot of vanity. FAR more vanity than would be required to make the decision to get silicone shoveled into her chest. Good old glamorous Cynthia Nixon. What a trooper. I loved her in Amadeus in case I hadn’t mentioned that. She was engaging and it was a heartfelt performance.

I was watching her on Graham Norton the other day and while she was nowhere near as funny as the other guy he was interviewing, she held her ground and she talked about how they filmed Amadeus in Prague.

I loved Mozart for years after seeing that film. I liked his music but it was mainly the idea of how he was a child prodigy. Then I grew up a bit and got sick of the repetitive nature of his music. It’s charming but often a bit backgroundy. I’m actually really living for Ladytron today. I’m sure there’s a linear narrative between Mozart and Ladytron.

In short, Cynthia Nixon didn’t get breast implants and I always knew. [source]

The Post is reporting that 9 year old Conor Kelly was supposed to meet David Beckham for his birthday because his mother bid 7000 dollars on a prize package that included 2 return flights to Los Angeles, 2 nights stay in a hotel, VIP tickets to a soccer match Beckham was playing in and the chance to meet him after the game. At the last minute, Beckham’s people deemed the meeting a security risk and the kid never got to meet Beckham.

Here’s the thing New York Post: you can’t ever really beat David Beckham down because he’s the angelic part of a pop cultural dichotomy. He’s the angelic part and Posh is the talentless, evil part. They can’t live apart and yet embody the exact and purest opposite cultural properties. Isn’t that interesting? That’s why the only bad stories about Beckham involve how he manages to miss out on children who come to see him after matches or at the airport.

This isn’t the first time this has happened either. He had the same thing happen in Australia recently and after the media showed footage of the kids crying, he said in a press conference that he had no idea they were waiting and that he would be willing to meet with them anywhere and hang out. Small children seem to always be the weapon the press uses against David Beckham. Small children who are ready to cry on camera or mothers who give quality Lifetime movie worthy quotes like this one the Post ran:

"They're keeping us in the dark," said Kelly. "Conor is heartbroken. He said, 'Doesn't Beckham know it's my birthday present?' He is my son's hero."

I mean what else could they possibly muster up? David Beckham may not be a genius and he may be a totally classless chav but he's not evil and mean spirited. That's his wife.

His WIFE is the callous, mean one.

Why isn’t the Post running something on how ridiculous Posh is if they need to run a “God, the Beckhams suck” post? I mean, she is basically insufferable on every level in everything she does all you have to do is take your pick of her daily actions.

There’s the march through the house in the morning demanding things from her staff, the oil sucked from the faces of poor African teenagers in the African desert that she smears on her body to ensure an all over, delicately moisturized tan and the trim spa martinis she has poured down her several times a day. Not to mention the fact that she wears heels to make that clacking sound so her servants know to scurry away and be afraid. She feeds on the fear of others. Are we absolutely certain she’s not Satan? Pete Doherty could be her mignon. She has several but he’s the main one. [source]

Well, look at that. Just as I was writing that last post about how Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to multiple counts of assault the verdict made the press. She just got fined 2,945 pounds ($4,604) (How do they come up with these numbers?) and has to do 200 hours of community service. No jail time for Campbell and so, consequently, no potential for a career in bondage and high end stripping for her either.

How disappointing. For her. Not me. I find this story to make me feel lethargic. [source]

The Sun is reporting that Naomi Campbell is actually pleading guilty to kicking and spitting at police officers on board a British Airways flight earlier this year after it had been revealed that her luggage had been delayed.

She was in court today as her trial began and she could face 6 months prison and or 5000 pound fines for each offense. I find it interesting that she’s actually pleading guilty. If she spends time in jail she could really end up with a completely new marketability and that could be a good thing too because at 38 her career as a model may be waning.

With a little jail time under her belt and a reputation for being a complete gorgon, she could go into burlesque and do some dominatrix work on the side. Girlfriend could clean up that way.

The truth is, I just don’t get why she’s so great. She’s a viciously mean, spoilt clothes horse. I figure she’ll either get let off because the jury will be so amazed by her celebrity but that’s unlikely because she’s in an English court and suburban English people will probably delight in her downfall because that’s what happens in Commonwealth countries – there’s a strong undercurrent of delight in the falling of others. OR, she’ll get jail time and it’ll be a little like the Paris Hilton trial except less hype because god, who cares. Not me.

Give her the chair. [source]

Angelina Jolie’s new film Wanted where she plays an assassin is getting rave reviews and it’s not surprising. Angelina Jolie is the Elizabeth Taylor of this generation. She is the embodiment of everything superhuman. When she plays hyper violent roles like the assassin she play in Wanted, it completes her image as the perfect contemporary straight man’s fantasy.

She’s physically perfect, in real life she never diverts from old school essentially conservative glamour which makes her unthreatening to straight men, she married a man who is more or less as unreal in terms of human attributes as she is so even being married didn’t take her away from being a sex object and then when she acts, the films that do the best are the ones that have her killing people with stoic skill. I mean, Mr and Mrs Smith was basically just a way of presenting the erotic energy between Jolie and Brad Pitt and wrapping some violence around it. Straight men love that kind of thing. Lara Croft was the same basic thing. She’s hot, female and physically capable. It’s entirely the average straight male fantasy. They don’t want a human, they want a doll who likes violent movies.

Where Jolie doesn’t win, is when she plays thinking roles and activists. That’s simply not sexy for straight men. It’s weird to me that she’s not more of a gay icon. I think she lacks tragedy. There’s something dark about how stoic she I think but it’s not enough to woo queens who love a tragic diva. She is too perfect. Gay men would faun over her but she’s not really human and she doesn’t need a decorator for her body or her house so when it comes to Angelina Jolie, gay men are out of a job. Giver her a semi automatic weapon and a sleeveless top and a series of violent enemies though and she’s at her most marketable. [source]

Page six is reporting that Tinsley Mortimer is completely pointless and now it’s been proven. They shot a reality show about her life but, according to another illusive insider said:

“She looked good but she just got dressed and went to parties every day and didn't have anything interesting to say. It was incredibly boring. The project is dead."

Of course, if MTV had listened to me over a god damned year ago they would have realized that and not bothered invested the money or time in Manhattan’s uptight small time answer to Paris Hilton. Let’s try this again: Tinsley Mortimer is a pointless, innocuous, self absorbed, money and status obsessed sycophant. I interviewed her after a few glasses of wine in Vienna last year and she is a conservative republican who relies on liberal gays for her social life and status but would vote against them in a heartbeat to save her husband’s fortune. Plus, she’s a tight ass, spoilt, talentless idiot.

The thing about her is that if she was unhinged and filthy like, say, Courtney Love is then she might be mildly more plausible but she simply isn’t. She’s not more plausible. She is implausible. Implausible. MTV figured it out, why can’t everyone else? I knew it ages ago. MTV should hire me to judge their potential reality TV characters. I am really good at that. I would save them money and time. I’m an efficient time and money saver – a lot of people think so. Sadly, MTV chose to ignore me and now they are paying the price.

If some good came out of this though, it’s that Tinsley Mortimer is one step closer to being unmarketable. [source]

Page Six is reporting that Cynthia Nixon just got breast implants. They report it and don’t cite a source at all and then include the fact that Nixon’s rep denies it – which they always do but what exactly is this based on then? Page Six is saying that she was possibly unhappy with the nude scene she did in the film. I wouldn’t be as concerned with the nude scene as much as I would be concerned about the film in general. It really was a completely dreadful film.

It surprises me that Cynthia Nixon would get surge though. People like her don't get surgery as much. They just fall back on their talent. She’s more or less the only one of the four from Sex and the City who is an actual actress. She’s a really good actress with actual talent. I’m just not sure I buy this. I’m also not sure I care that much. There’s something about Cynthia Nixon that impresses me though.

Yeah, that’s about there is to this post. Cynthia Nixon, breasts implants, talent. She was great in Amadeus. I didn’t realize Christine Ebersole was also in that until the other day. Oh, Jesus, I just need to stop. [source]

People Magazine have named Mario Lopez the Hottest Bachelor of 2008 and that’s got to be a boost for him after he was passed over quite aggressively for the 2(x)ist underwear campaign last week because there was a hotter and cuter guy in the cast of A Chorus Line named Nick Adams. In fact, because of that, wouldn’t that mean that Nick Adams is the Hottest Bachelor by default? That’s what the math suggests to me…

Well, truthfully no it wouldn’t because, in my experience working with editorial departments, these things are a package deal. It’s the whole package you have to consider. Not just a hotness contest. Mario has been passing himself off as an actor for years and maintaining himself through the use of his body. He’s like Matthew McConaughey. Everything is built on an empire of meat. Perhaps this is really just an homage to that momentus whore effort. Here you go Mario, here’s a bone – catch!

Mario really seems to be emerging as more of a desperate Joan Crawford esque douche by the day now. He parades around milking everything for all he can get – primarily by showing off his body as much as he can, but then when there’s no one around he gets nervous and jittery. I bet that’s why he goes to the gym. Because he’s a nutcase who stares at himself while he works his biceps saying things like, “the burn means you’re closer to love.” Things like that.

I bet he’s turned tricks before. Elderly showbiz men. He cried afterwards but then realized that crying caused lines so he forced himself to stop. Tears aren’t marketable. [source]

The National Enquirer is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears has given birth to her kid. She’s now an unwed mother. I wonder how the family hold their heads up at church. According to the Enquirer, the little girl weighed 6 pounds, 10 ounces and was born at 8:30am this morning.

They apparently want to name her Caillyn or Cassie which is a combination of her and her boyfriend Casey Aldridge’s names. That’s what people apparently do in the south. They just combine the parents’ names and end up with the kid’s name. The thing that’s really bugging me about this is that the Spears family have far too many Lynns. Plus, they don’t say “Lynn” either, they put in some extra syllables and they say “Leeeeyun” because that’s how southern folk talk.

Jamie Lynn and Casey Aldridge look like the kinds of kids who would have been the popular alpha kids at high school. She would have been the drama showpony and he would have been a football quarterback. They’d go to tailgating parties together and make out because he’d get a little aggressive after drinking half a keg. She’d give in because she didn’t want to make a scene. Then, they’d laugh at the skinny, socially awkward geeks who wore head gear and in a few years they’d both be fat and resentful because an adolescence of entitlement led them to a young adulthood of morbid obesity and unemployment. Sadly, they seem to have subverted that trajectory by having this child.

Or have they….

[source]

The blog ‘In Case You Didn’t Know” is reporting that uber-emo Pete Wentz will be appearing in “Californication” with David Duchovny. They write:

“Duchovny’s character, the troubled writer Hank, will see Pete at a pool party hanging out with the show’s resident teen, Mia. Pete will tell Hank how much he enjoyed his book.”

If that’s it, why watch the freaking show? They gave us all we needed to know. I never got into that show anyway – there are too many other quality shows to commit to and I’m already so damn tired.

Well, hang on. If Pete is sitting by a pool then it seems like the potential for him to be shirtless (and maybe even pantless) is higher than if he, say, did a guest spot on Seventh Heaven. Oh, actually probably not. Wait, is Seventh Heaven around? If ever there was a show that embodied the hypocrisy of American culture it’s Seventh Heaven. So, Pete could be by a pool and shirtless and that’s fine by me.

But the thing about this is, when it comes to actors singing it’s rarely a good idea and the fact that they often do that is a sign of crippling unbridled ego and an army of enabling yes-men. When it’s the other way round it’s not AS bad. Bon Jovi wasn’t so bad in Sex and the City and also – even though she’s not a singer, Mary Kate Olsen wasn’t bad in Weeds. Actually she was pretty good.

If Pete can push down the inner douche and get his flat ironed hair to stay put then he might just be ok. I would love to see him doing exaggerated actions to every word he says. The director kept trying to tone Pete’s ridiculous acting down but Pete only heard what he wanted to hear which was, “You’re a totally amazing actor and everything you shit is art…keep going”. Sort of like Chris Martin. I'm pretty sure that at some point Chris Martin has tried to feed his own shit to his and Gwyneth's child but the maid stopped him. She beat him away with a chair leg and he quickly scurried away to another room. He really thought that was the way to pass on his genius to Apple. That maid was a trooper but she was probably fired.

So, just to recap, Pete Wentz might be shirtless on an episode of Californication. Naked even. No, that’s just going too far. [source]

Page Six is reporting that good old worn out international whore of un-mystery and fading zeitgeist, Paris Hilton, was told she may not buy any more puppies by The Puppy Store on Melrose Avenue in LA. She went in to buy a puppy because she was going to be in a photoshoot and she wanted “to look cuter” but they knew the deal with Paris Hilton and puppies and refused to allow her to destroy the lives of any more puppies. I mean, look at the photo above. It's just fucking moron Hilton and a morass of fur. Confused, neglected, uncomfortable puppy fur.

Apparently, "She started screaming, 'I love my puppies! I want my baby!'" Page Six reports and you know, I feel a certain fulfillment over that. I like the idea that Paris Hilton was denied something on the basis of a general concern for life. Rumours have circulated for ages that she just gets puppies and then forgets about them and one of her housekeepers found a dead puppy in her closet and that is unacceptable. Maybe one day, a puppy will find Paris Hilton dead in a closet and then that karmic debt will be repayed.

But you know, dead Hilton aside, it’s good to have the old diseased whore back in the news. It’s turning out to be a week of old favourites with K-Fed getting some pointless award yesterday and now Hilton being denied puppies. It’s just like it was last year with relentless following of Hilton and Spears. Those were tiring days. There was so little difference in the story each day but you know, we still read about them.

Today is a good day because it’s a day when Paris Hilton told she may not gratify a mindless impulse. She’s probably at home crying to her mother and screeching abuse at her circle of friends and domestic staff but still, it’s good that she experienced that. [source]

The New York Post reports that Elliot Spitzer has just been awarded the Ultimate Sugar Daddy Award as part of the first Annual George Burns Memorial Sugar Daddy Award by the VIP Men’s Club in Chelsea. His prize includes a pound of sugar, a year’s worth of free lapdances at the club, and an unlimited supply of testosterone pills. Errr…what a prize…yay!

The part about this that was interesting to me was actually the list of other honorees. It’s an auspicious list that includes Woody Allen, Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Hugh Hefner and Bill Maher. All are men who apparently “have a penchant for women 20 years or more their juniors."

The club goes on to describe that "Sugar daddies are an icon of baby boomers - older men who use their money shamelessly to date younger women in a perpetual search for the fountain of youth,"

Which is probably true when it comes to everyone but Cruise. HE dates women in a perpetual search for marketability in the fly over states and to kill those “uncomfortable feelings inside”.

Tom Cruise is really loving himself sick right now for being on that list. Any money says that right now he’s at home excitedly jumping up and down while intermittently smacking his head on the wall saying “all my work is finally paying off…they truly believe me…they truly believe that I like women”. And of course, his publicist would have sent the VIP club in Chelsea a box of cannoli and an earnest note asking that Tom be included and they finally conceded. After all, there are a whole legion of women who still entertain the notion that Cruise has a functioning sexual identity in general let alone the fact that they still believe he likes women. Why not cash in in the fly over states?

I would really hate to see Tom Cruise on testosterone though. Unless he was used as a weapon. Juiced up Tom would be insane. It would be as fascinating as a spider that was given LSD. They spin spherical webs, you know. They just keep on going and it works out as a perfect sphere. It’s incredible. [source]

Oh Look! Billy Ray Cyrus went in The Today Show and is still talking about the Annie Leibovitz shoot and this round of needless damage control now involves the troops. Excellent! When in doubt and you need to boost public opinion, just invoke the troops! They’re untouchable and once you align with them, you’ll be untouchable too! Hooray!

Plus, lets face facts, the Vanity Fair shoot is all anyone can think about a good month after it happened so it’s great that he’s there to relentlessly explain the extent to which it’s not his fault that his daughter was photographed in a position which infers sexuality despite the fact that she’s under aged. It’s a good thing. I love that he is there to clear it up because I definitely can’t sleep over it at this point. I mean, the fact that no one can get their story straight about which adult was there and the fact that it’s so completely not a huge deal because it was for Vanity Fair not “Completely Illegal Teenaged Whores Magazine” and that the shots were taken by Annie Leibovitz and not some sweating obese Arabic man who works part time as a cab driver in New York City and shakes back and forth when he takes the photos doesn’t make any difference. There’s a problem and Billy Ray and his personality defining hair are there to clear everything up.

And clear it up he has. After all, he was off to entertain the troops. The Troops! Terrorism! Fear! Aging! Obscurity! Attention Seeking! Child Abuse! Lesbian Photographer! The War! The Troops! It’s all there – thanks to Billy Ray Cyrus. Excellent work, sir. You are the embodiment of America and it wasn't your fault. Now go out there and get paid. [source]

So, just like Britney, apparently doing absolutely nothing at all warrants an award for Kevin Federline simply because by comparison to what happens when they do something, doing nothing is an heroic act.

US Magazine reports that K-Fed has been named Father of the Year by club Prive in Las Vegas – no doubt a coveted award because every father that steps into the place is clearly on a high impact campaign to win that award as well.

Only last night as I sat in the cinema watching the travesty that is The Happening as I ate jell-o and whipped cream that I took into the cinema from the outside (that’s right, FUCK YOU overpriced cinema snack bar), I kept myself busy by wondering what had happened to K-Fed. It seemed like he’d really taken his lawyer’s advice which was obviously to stay out of sight while Britney was having her public meltdown so that she dug her own grave thus maximizing his chances of winning more money in the custody battle but he’s really been gone too long.

It’s for that reason that I’m glad he won this wonderful, completely legitimate award pertaining to fatherhood from a freaking nightclub. It has brought him back into the public eye. Now all we need is another sparkling, extremely engaging single from Mr Federline and everything will be completely back on track. Britney is up for an Emmy nomination for her non-vomiting role on “How I Met Your Mother” and by that token, there’s really no reason why he shouldn’t be considered for this award, a career in music and perhaps even a Papal knighthood.

Bless everything and everyone who made this award possible. [source]

While it’s always a life altering delight to read his name in print, I’m never certain why Lance Bass is THAT viable as a press topic. The New York Post has reported that Bass’ exs, Brazilian model Pedro Andrade and hairdresser Ben Thigpen have hooked up. Well, goodness me! I’m barely interested in this story because I think that Lance Bass, while good natured and sweet, isn’t that interesting but I will say this; the fact that there’s a gossip item about two virtually unknown people having hooked up because they dated Lance Bass means that it’s a pretty sad and slow day in the world of gossip.

Also, I sort of think that this story is a metaphor for the kind of cultural impact Lance Bass has. He exists and then somehow something happens next to him and the combination of that event and the recollection of his proximity to Justin Timberlake means it makes the news.

I went to Vienna with Lance Bass last year and it really struck me how uninteresting he actually is. I met Pedro before they met and Pedro was really unchallenging as well. He also works behind a bar, he’s not necessarily a model all the time. When I realized how bland Bass is I figured they might be a perfect match.

To Lance’s credit, he did reveal that he has quite nice thighs at the Bravo Awards with Kathy Griffin which was at first surprising but then sort of not because I quickly realized that he probably has great thighs because he has to supplement his personality with something marketable.

Poor Lance Bass. He’s just not that interesting. Lucky he’s worth millions. [source]

Last week, viewers may remember that our favourite crack head pop star Amy Winehouse was offered 2 million dollars to simply get on a plane to Russia, get off the plane, sing a couple of numbers and then …actually that was it. Would she make it on the plane? Would she continue to thwart her own success even more than she already has by being incoherent due to drug use? Is it unlikely that she would have bathed before she got on the plane? I, for one, have been sitting in mind altering anxiety all weekend waiting for all to be revealed. Who could HONESTLY predict how this was going to turn out? Certainly not ME!

So, here we are and the Daily News HAS reported on what happened (thank goodness!) . It turns out that the answer to all my questions ended up being a resounding and reassuring YES! She DID make it on the plane, she did turn up completely incoherent, she did forget to bathe (probably).

She turned up and was so out of it that her handlers, who one can only reasonably assume are super human, part robot, ex-military personnel that are gluttons for punishment were forced to try and pull Winehouse’s head together by giving her sips of Coke. Ah…yes. Well, coke might have been the medicine but I’m fairly certain she wasn’t doing sips of it. Badda BING! Gosh, they don’t write lines like that anymore.

Anyway, so the other visceral treat Amy Winehouse gave the audience was a glimpse up her short dress to reveal that she wasn’t wearing underwear. What a moving experience that must have been for the 25 year old gold digging Russian whose birthday it was.

Truthfully though, this kind of unhinged spectacle is the product Winehouse is selling. She’s selling ‘unhinged skank” as much as she’s selling her albums. No doubt the Russians were thrilled. They got the show they were after.

Personally, I’d like to see a lovely elderly matron from the upper east side hire Winehouse to sing something from La Traviata but to honestly expect it to be a charming, refined, tea time experience. That would be really hilarious to me because that woman and all her friends would faint at once after crying out in their deep voiced, matronly manner at the shock.

Sort of like stupid old Mrs Kravitz from Bewitched. Why did Mrs Kravitz keep fainting at the same old thing? I just wanted to grab her by the collar and scream, "Listen, your neighbour is a pre-feminist witch. Get over it. Go and make friends with her, then dump your dumb ass husbands and go on a lesbian road trip together like Thelma and Louise." I mean, that makes sense, right? If anyone gave them any shit they could just do the nose thing and everything would work out. Stupid Mrs Kravitz. She spent her entire life fainting and lying down. What a waste of time. So, just to recap, Winehouse made it to Russia but was still a crack head. [source]

Celebitchy is reporting that Joel Madden, of Good Charlotte fame, has decided that he can’t marry Nicole Ritchie unless she converts to Christianity and confesses all her sins. He can have a child with her but he can’t marry her.

They write:

As The Enquirer reported last week, Nicole has had trouble coping with the stress of motherhood. “Joel thinks God will be the ultimate answer to her problems,” continued the source…. “As much as Joel loves Nicole, and is dedicated to being her rock, he feels like their marriage would never work unless they are on the same page with their religious beliefs,” added the source. “Bottom line, he wants a Christian family.”

Christians who are really successful in mainstream pop culture are always fascinating to me. You really don’t get to that point unless you’ve managed to side step some landmines, and felate some record producers. I mean, not that all talented people are whores but there’s a lot of negotiating of what is acceptable and morality is a very gray area. I always love it when someone comes out as a strict conservative Christian and they’re an actor. I just don’t get it.

Not that Nicole Ritchie is really in any better position as far as values go. In fact, maybe she should join a cult. Yes. Good. I like that idea. I like the idea of Nicole Ritchie becoming a nun. There will be so much less noise if she does that. Excellent work Mr. Madden. Drag her into your lair of fear and keep her there. [source]

Page Six reports that Naomi Campbell was the bridesmaid at a wedding last Friday when a close friend got married. She apparently even gave a speech which was hilarious and gosh, isn’t she just a lovely and normal woman.

Is this the best her publicist can do to soften her public image as a beautiful yet violent gorgon? Plus, the part that really amazed me and that still has me stumped is the part that suggested quite clearly that the woman who got married was a CLOSE FRIEND of Naomi Campbell. I mean, WHOA! Slow DOWN Einstein. Naomi Campbell has actual friends?

How does THAT work?

Actually, I’m sure she’s lovely when people aren’t constantly and unreasonably trying to ruin her life by selfishly expect her to follow the basic, exhausting procedures of first class air travel. Yes, she’s probably a riot and I bet she makes a mean three layer dip. She even makes it the day before if you give her enough notice. When you do that the flavours seep out more. I’m not a fan of beans but I do like the top two layers. That’s right. I’m the guy at the party who wrecks the dip. I just don’t understand the appeal of legumes. [source]

Page Six reports that the suspiciously good looking Mario Lopez of “Saved by the Bell” fame, who doesn’t look a day older than when he was on TV as an 18 year old, was just passed over for a 2(x)ist Underwear campaign because they chose a younger, hotter guy named Nick Adams. Look at the photo above. Lopez is on the left, Adams is on the right. You can see the difference in arm hotness. Wow, even his NAME is hotter. I mean, sort of.

Also, the name Adam for me will always conjure up images of a naked guy. I have Christianity to thank for that.

Anyway, wow, how CRUEL of Page Six to hammer this out. I mean, the underwear contract part is just business so you have to not worry about it but the actual column item is, by virtue of the fact that it was printed, actually really cruel and Page Six doesn’t let up on poor, adorable Lopez.

The report begins by detailing how, in a manner not unlike Joan Crawford – no exaggeration I’m sure, even though I really have no idea but it should be fine to assume – Lopez has insisted that Adams be covered in a hoodie when he’s in certain scenes and that he not have his arms showing either. Then, all of a sudden, after all the competition, Adams totally trumped Lopez.

The thing that more or less makes this ok, is that it reveals that Mario Lopez clearly knows his strength. He’s just like Vin Diesel and Matthew Mcconaughey. Even though he can read the lines and blah blah whatever he does on screen, the fact that he’s still employed is remarkable anyway but if and when he does get a job, the primary reason he’s working is because of his rockin’ bod. A girl’s gotta protect her main assets.

I say “girl” because really, this is the gayest catfight story to hit the news since Boy George and George Michael and Elton John started lashing out at each other. Poor Mario. I have no doubt that he’s on HGH. I mean, a career based on meat has got to be really stressful. Maybe he should try St. John’s Wort. [source]

A couple of months ago, right around the time that Jamie Lynn Spears was found out to be pregnant and there was a huge scandal, the Spears mother Lynn Spears had to indefinitely postpone the release of her book about how to be a great parent when your kids are wannabe celebrity pop stars. What a shame. Now that the horror has died down and Jamie Lynn’s boyfriend is sticking by her and now that Britney has stopped losing her mind in public for attention, the book seems to be back in the realm of possibility.

Before the “unpleasantness”, the book was to bear the essentially gentle title “Pop Culture Mom” and it was to talk about how she learned to be a good mother despite the pressures of Hollywood blah blah blah.

After the unpleasantness the title has been changed to Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World". Isn’t that just DARLING!? I also love that Lynn Spears is essentially marketing herself as a source of information about raising kids when it’s clear that the only time that Britney stopped freaking out was when her father took over everything and roped her in. Where’s his book? I would actually prefer for him to be writing that book.

Lynn Spears is, however, more than likely just another Dina Lohan but she knows to shut up more. Best quote ever from People Magazine:

Lynne never stopped working on it because she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes.
Yes, that’s what she wants. [source]

Here’s Forbes Magazine’s list of 100 most powerful celebrities. I mean, the whole list is after the jump but here are the top ten:

1 Oprah Winfrey $275 million
2 Tiger Woods $115 million
3 Angelina Jolie $14 million
4 Beyonce Knowles $80 million
5 David Beckham $50 million
6 Johnny Depp $72 million
7 Jay-Z $82 million
8 The Police $115 million
9 J.K. Rowling $300 million
10 Brad Pitt $20 million

None of that is really SO surprising except maybe The Police. Obviously Oprah is that the top. She is a patron saint of western culture. Almost. She lacks the stunning beauty that Angelina Jolie has that confirms her position. Angelina in that respect is more powerful. She is, after all, part jaguar and Oprah is a mere mortal.

Last on the list is Paula Deen who I am convinced is one of those smiling, giggling, laughing, fun, Republican voting cannibals who carries a hand gun and has destroyed assistants through verbal assault behind closed doors.

These lists are great because they put the chaos into perspective and they keep it clean and perfect. Clean and perfect is what I desperately need. [source]

OK! Is reporting that Britney Spears could very well be up for an Emmy for her role on “How I Met Your Mother”. Totally. Bitch doesn’t throw up or menstruate on herself in public for 10 minutes and she gets nominated for an award. How American.

In fact, why don’t we nominate her to run with Barack Obama as the VP? Why, she’s pretty enough. She’s had media experience. She’s good at wearing boots and she hasn’t had a car crash or meltdown in several months now that her father is at the helm.

To be fair, she’s one of 41 actresses on the list that gets whittled down to the final 4 or 5 so there’s still a large margin for rational thought to step in and make it all ok. I’m just not convinced LA culture will facilitate rational thought though. I mean, Jennifer Hudson for Christ’s sake.

Stupidest thing ever. She was a gimmick, she stumbled through her lines, it was cute and she was better than I thought she was but JESUS get it together. She isn’t worthy of an Emmy. Stop. Everything. Now. [source]

Page Six reports that Amy Winehouse is about to be paid 2 million dollars to perform in Russia for Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich. All she has to do is stay essentially coherent, get on a plane, get there, sing a couple of quality numbers and then bow. After that, she can easily retire. Watch her fuck it up.

Actually, I have this sneaking suspicion that Winehouse may be like Courtney Love in this respect. I have this sneaking suspicion that she pulls it all together when she absolutely has to. Like, when no cameras are around as will probably be the case with thiss private gig. Nina Hagen is like that. She acts like this ethereal self absorbed muse but if it gets difficult, she pulls it together. I just remember when Courtney Love was asked to present at the Academy Awards and she glided out from backstage in a light pink silk gown, her face fresh and full, her smile and eyes clear of intoxicants. I was pretty unimpressed.

The thing about Winehouse is that she must be completely loaded but she never looks it. Where on earth does all her money go? I suspect it’s either spent by moochers she doesn’t notice or it’s all just sitting there in the bank. If it is sitting there in the bank my suggestion would be that she perhaps lend some to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt so they can finish decorating the house they just bought. I refuse to believe they can completely afford what they’re buying. It’s ludicrous.

Actually the other day at the gym I thought that maybe if they used it as a tax write off and based their business in the 60 million dollar mansion they leased it might end up being a better deal than if they bought it. That was an option I came up with.

In short, maybe Mr Abramovich is a glutton for punishment or maybe he likes a challenge. He probably does. [source]

Page Six reports that Madonna’s brother Christopher Ciccone has been writing a tell-all book about Madonna and 350,000 copies are planned for release. Madonna and her brother apparently haven’t been talking for a while – I heard it was because he refused to get involved with Kabbalah – but he was apparently there for what a source has described as “the messy years”. Oh well, Christopher Ciccone has only a limited time left on this planet now, I guess. He won’t survive this. No one could. The image above is of Christopher Ciccone. I guess that's Madonna under the jacket.

Actually, I think MAYBE Anna Wintour or Meryl Streep might be able to go up against Madonna and be a formidable opponent. I’m not completely sure but I suspect they could. Or Mia Farrow but she’d use alternate and unexpected weapons of assault. Her advantage would be that’s she’s quite small and could duck around and quickly run between Madonna’s legs and make her fall over. Mia Farrow is a pretty intense and lively, wiry woman.

The thing about this is that if the book makes it out then Madonna’s cover will be blown and the entire thing will be blown open. Madonna’s entire career has been a genius collection of smoke and mirrors and media technique. She’s a fascinating woman but she isn’t who she tells everyone she is. As a result she’ll start to loose her power even moreso that after she released Hard Candy. What a difficult album that is.

And the thing is, Madonna almost got through to retirement without ever having a public meltdown or freak out or drunken mess explosion. She almost did it all without a real mistake. Now, she and Dan Rather might have something more in common than they previously thought. Christopher Ciccone will die for this, certainly, but it’ll sure wound Madonna. This will be like a pop cultural apocalypse. Am I being melodramatic? Come on…this is hilarious. [source]

TMZ reports that Billy Ray Cyrus went on KIIS fm with Ryan Seacrest and dragged out the old Annie Leibovitz is a bully topic AGAIN and I’m already so damned tired of it. God, I’m tired of Billy Ray Cyrus. I was tired of him WITH a mullet, I’m tired of him now that he has his “we need to update your image” haircut.

Of course, the thing about this is that clearly someone has ascertained that the multi-million dollar industry that is Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus has been damaged by the press surrounding her Vanity Fair shoot and so they’re still in damage control.

The fact that Annie Leibovitz has said basically nothing about it the entire time essentially confirms to me the Cyrus camp are just milking this for all it’s worth publicity wise and they’re also the cheap, crap party in this. Leibovitz doesn’t have to apologize, she’s above the needy celebrity squabble.

The entire story surrounding how the photos were taken at all is completely unclear as well. The Cyrus camp maintains that there was always an adult with Miley when she was being photographed and yet Annie Leibovitz apparently bullied her into posing that way. It just all reeks of nervous, greedy scapegoating. Stupid ass Cyrus people. They should be grateful anyone would want to photograph their tired assed flash in the pan asses at all. [source]

Bless the UK’s Sun. And not just for being a reliable source of some of the basest journalism available. No. I would like to thank them right now for bringing forward pictures of Pete Doherty realizing his cathartic dream to be portrayed as a Christ-like martyr.

Most of the time you don’t get celebrities going so far as to portray themselves as actual Christ figures. Of course they all think it but I mean, even the most delusional narcissists wouldn’t say it. I mean, Tom Cruise sort of does and then you have the odd cult leader but most of them of late have been linked to paederasty so it’s hard to really interact with them on any level without feeling vile.

Pete Doherty has managed to market himself as an heraldic martyr though. Pete Doherty feels that by making a plaster cast of his entire body in a crucified position, he’s somehow explaining what it’s like to be beaten down by the media. Then we’ll all understand the pain he goes through.

It’s not his fault that he is portrayed so badly. It all gets blown out of proportion.

I think I started siding with the media when it became clear that Pete Doherty got his kitten addicted to crack. That, for me, was an indication that he was probably Satan. I mean, how do you talk your way out of that? Kitten: eternal symbol of childhood innocence, Crack: poisonous, cheap, life destroying drug, Pete Doherty: the glue that brings the two together.

Even if Pete Doherty is only HALF as bad as he seems he’s still pretty bad. And by bad I mean, a potential husband. I mean, look at the photo above: he's smoking while lying on the cross. I just think that's inappropriate. Oh, look at that. My inner moralist just popped out.

Just to re-cap, Pete Doherty is making a plaster cast of his entire body so that he can make a sculpture that shows him being crucified. Crucified as he has been by the media. There’s a lot of symbolism involved in this. I have a degree in art so I can figure it out pretty easily. God, ok, actually, this is one of those stories where it’s hard to parody it or anything because it’s so amazing already. I’m sort of torn. [source]

Page Six is reporting that Capitol Records have been funneling their resources into up and coming young starlet Katy Perry and that means they’ve been diverting from Lily Allen to do it and that has made little Lily Allen a bit upset. And look, why wouldn’t she be?

This move from Capitol has certainly come as a shock to me and I’m sure it has come as a shock to Allen. What on earth could have prompted them to push her aside and try and continue to exist as a business by creating a new product?

Why, it couldn’t possibly be the relentless failure of Allen to actually just complete a tour without canceling shows. It also couldn’t be the fact that she seems inherently incapable of attending an event outside her home (and frankly, I wouldn’t rule out INSIDE her home either) where she doesn’t completely obliterate herself on booze and cause a totally unnecessary scene.

Plus, she’d be upset because what the hell else would she do? Her talk show failed because she wasn’t “very good” at presenting it and she hasn’t done anything else besides whine on her blog about being fat. Maybe she could go and write for Cosmopolitan Magazine. Or get a job in a theme park as a blow up doll. Yeah, I don’t know what that last bit was about either but I’m going to leave it.

Where’s Pete Wentz? Why isn’t he naked on camera yet? [source]

Madonna and Guy Ritchie really ARE getting divorced and Madonna has hired the lawyer who handled the Paul McCartney divorce so someone is going to be filleted and that someone will probably not be Madonna. She’s the client after all. And business theory suggests that filleting your own client is not conducive to positive client relations.

Also, though, rumours abound that there was no pre-nup. While that rumour is a valiant effort, it’s the most ill-conceived fake rumour I’ve ever heard. Yes, totally. Madonna got married with no pre-nup. Here we have a woman who has made a few cultural mistakes but has never once put a foot wrong in public and has managed to make a business out of commodifying herself better than any woman in the past 100 years. Yeah, totally, she didn’t think to get a pre-nup.

That aside, ok, so they’re getting a divorce which means that essentially, Guy Ritchie is now Milhouse van Houton’s father but in real life. He’ll be living in a cheap hotel for single men any day now. Rocco will look up at his father and say, “Why is life so difficult now, Daddy? Why did you upset the Chief Executive Mother?”

Best quote ever from Holy Moly who reported this though:

Having said that, Madonna is theoretically entitled to half of Guy's fortune too – which at least means she'll be able to continue making money out of Snatch. Pleasure.

God that’s good. I mean, really. It’s champagne. [source]

Vh1 reports that in actual fact, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are worth millions from simply running around being douchebags and selling out. Their entire lives are spent being the embodiment of the lowest common denominator in western culture and it’s paid off. This report was actually published on the 5th so it’s not exactly new but I put my lateness in talking about it down to the fact that I actively avoid stories that involve these two. Heidi still wants to be an actress though. She wants to win an Academy Award and being like Meryl Streep but with better tits. That was what SHE actually said.

Ah, no. Meryl Streeps breasts are just fine. That's enough.

Thinking about them and talking about them really only enables them but it appears that it’s already too late. They’re like Ann Coulter and Michael Lucas.

Who is buying into them though? If they’re making money off club appearances and some rancidly cheap fashion line – WHO is buying? My guess is that it’s 13 year old girls who hate themselves and want a boyfriend like Spencer. There are all these weird people who desperately lack any critical facility in their brains and so they long to be Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag so I guess it’s them. I wonder if there’s a continuum between Montag/Spencer and gay men somehow. Generally there is if there’s an interest in a product among 13-15 year old girls then there’s a contingent of gay men who buy into it as well. I’d say there are probably a collective of idiot gay male bitch kids who are about 17-22 who want to be like Spencer and Heidi in some way. Whether they like the surgery and the LA blond thing or they like the constant press attention or the seemingly ruthless business inkling that Spencer has – they are the ones who enable.

Everyone else hates them and I doubt that hate translates to actual dollars. I mean, you don’t hate Heidi Montag for being a willfully mindless, fake, subservient Republican woman and then buy her fragrance or t shirts. Although, you can hate fuck a Republican so I don’t know, maybe there’s something more complex going on here. I remember writing about that during the Democrat National Convention last election. Gosh that was a difficult time. Everyone was comatose as am I now that I’ve actually done a post about Montag and Pratt again. [source]

Look, say what you want about how Mariah Carey has made a comeback from her unpleasant breakdown and ice cream vending moment, the fact that she’s married a smokin’ hot gold digging actor and the fact that she’s taken her body back to her eleventh grade weight – bitch looks tired in these photos.

Her body is freaking exhausted and probably mad at her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sometimes shits herself because of the incongruous, forcible relationship she has with her body; constantly and fearfully living on the caloric value on one slab of pritikin bread and a half a glass of water a day – she’s on target but falling apart.

Her stomach is slim in the above shot but it looks like a more mainstream pop music version of Courtney Love’s post starvation diet body. God, how hideous everything is.

I saw Mimi the other week as she arrived at the Empire State Building and she looked alright. Her muscle and fat hadn’t gone into crisis mode and there was enough foundation on her head and dark sunglasses kept her looking fresh. Plus, never under estimate the power of ego validation en masse. When you have a huge crowd screaming for your attention and you happen to be a maddeningly insecure diva, it’ll probably perk you up and that’ll show on your visage.

Not in these photos though. Nope, Mimi is falling apart and needs to start to take a multivitamin tablet each day and she also should try Kombucha Tea. I drink it all the time and let me say, it is the Elixir of Life! Life is evacuating her body. She needs something. Maybe she should just get some of that lavender fluid Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn drink in Death Becomes Her. There’s a simple solution. No more living on air and dust and 6 hours cardio a day.

Ok – enough. [source]