The Reluctant Whore

Week #40 in Review

Reports emerged at the beginning of the week that suggested pop star Britney Spears regularly calls the paparazzi to inform them of where she’ll be on any given day to ensure maximum coverage in the gossip rags and so, early on, it promised to be just another week of Britney not hitting rock bottom. Then, a court ruled that she lost complete custody of her two boys Sean Preston and Jayden James and there was essentially no reaction from Britney except to drop by a Carl’s Jr, pick up some fast food, drop the two boys off with Kevin Federline’s security guard two days before her deadline and go and visit a tanning salon. Paparazzi and gossip magazines continued to document Britney’s strange behavior, it was speculated that she has a crystal meth problem and that she was also seen wandering through a hotel lobby giggling at two bickering paparazzi photographers. Despite all this, her single “Gimme More” remained at Number 3 on the Billboard charts, the video for which premiered later in the week.

More spoiler details emerged about the Sex and the City movie which is currently filming in downtown Manhattan with reports on Page Six that characters Carrie and Mr Big get married, comedienne Rosie O’Donnell included in her stand-up routine the line, “When I was fired by Barbara Walters” marking the first time she has strayed from the party line since leaving The View. O’Donnell went on to explain that she and host of The View Barbara Walters had been close at one point, suggesting that Walters once suggested she use Astroglide.

Porn producer Michael Lucas had his publicist announce that he had been found dead in his apartment in Manhattan as a way of promoting his newest porn film, “Gigolo” and then bickered that he was not being tasteless in doing so, former Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev was spotted in Miami sending back every dish he was served at the Prime 112 Steakhouse, and In Touch Magazine produced cropped photos of actress Angelina Jolie after they had to can a story that speculated as to whether she was pregnant when photos revealed that her stomach was incredibly thin, instead preferring to suggest that perhaps Jolie had gained weight and only in her chest area.

Actor Brad Pitt hit back at critics who suggested he is merely following Angelina Jolie’s lead in adopting children from around the world suggesting that he does so actually, “because he is a member of the human race”, supermodel Irina Lazareanu announced that she is engaged to Kate Moss’ ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty, comedienne Amy Sedaris went on Martha Stewart’s talk show and had Stewart say the phrase “bong water”, Molly Shannon was announced as the choice to play the character of Kath in the US remake of Australian comedic series “Kath and Kim” and Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer Howard K Stern filed a 60 million dollar lawsuit against journalist Rita Cosby for her allegations that he and photographer Larry Birkhead were lovers.

A Vanity Fair article reported that not only is Producer Lou Pearlman a money laundering fraud, he’s also a pederast, actor Russell Crowe announced that he has dealt with a substantial portion of his rage and that he thinks a lot of it stemmed from low self esteem, model Pam Anderson and amateur porn actor Rick Solomon applied for a marriage license so they could get married and it was rumoured that there was a sex tape involving Eva Longoria but the tape turned out to be a prank.

In records and numbers news, an original Faberge egg was found in a private collection and is expected to fetch between 12 and 18 million dollars at auction in late November which will make it the most expensive piece of Russian art ever traded, Pat Bertoletti became the world champion grits guzzler after eating 21 pounds of grits in ten minutes and the world championship for Rubik’s cube puzzle solvers kicked off in Hungary with competitors working towards an ultimate prize of $7000.

In the UK and Europe, the Tate Museum in London opened an exhibition of all winners of the controversial Turner Prize from the past 25 years, the Vatican announced the release of a book about the pope written from the perspective of his cat, the Geneva based International Electrotechnical Commission produced a TV show that they aimed to use to measure how much power is used by LCD screens versus that of regular tube televisions and the show was considered the most boring TV show ever. Two students in Austria were in trouble for making tea for their teacher than contained toilet water and disinfectant, and a couple in Prague found out that their new baby was not actually genetically linked to them due to a mix-up at the hospital.

In Asia, the King of Nepal, who is being increasingly shut out of public life in Nepal by the Nepalese government thwarted their plans to alienate him from an important public religious ceremony by walking through the crowds with no security to take part in it anyway despite government efforts to block his access by not arranging adequate security for him, on a visit to North Korea, president Roh Moo hyun of South Korea delivered a present of DVDs that had had been banned in North Korea to North Korean dicator Kim Jong Il who actually banned them himself and in return was presented with 4 tonnes of pine mushrooms.

Meanwhile, in America, hugging was banned at the Percy Julian Middle School by principal Sharts.

“Hugging is really more appropriate for airports or for family reunions than passing and seeing each other every few minutes in the halls,” she said.