The Reluctant Whore

Week # 31 in Review

Gambling odds on the eventual premature death of Lindsay Lohan edged officially higher on websites that fixate on such matters and as they did Michael and Dina Lohan battled it out in divorce court, in the public eye and through their children as one of the Lohan children wrote a letter to Michael Lohan saying she would love him more if he dropped his legal request to have Dina Lohan take a drug test. Just to make things worse for Lindsay though, the three boys who were in the car she commandeered on the Monday night she was arrested again for DUI, announced they were suing. While they are suing for emotional damages, the boys emphasized that their other primary concern is that Lohan gets the help she needs.

Donald Trump, in publicizing his reality show, “Celebrity Apprentice” (a testament to the fact that when your original idea fails all you need to do is add “celebrity” and it gets a little life pumped into it) made a statement to the press that Lindsay Lohan was welcome on his show and that she should get new parents. Dina Lohan shot back an angry, hopefully public argument prompting response saying that in this trying time she was doing as best she could as a mother of four.

All Dina Lohan’s probably considered attempts to be given a spot on the View were fruitless because apart from the fact that she was never a contender and the fact that the campaign is over, it was announced that Whoopi Goldberg will take Rosie O’Donnell’s spot.

The other trainwreck pop tartlet, Britney Spears was paranoid that should the judge release details of the custody agreement between her and her ex-husband Kevin Federline, her children could be kidnapped.

Germaine Greer raised her argumentative head again and made the public statement that Princess Diana was actually not that intelligent and was also not a fashion icon at which predictable public outrage was noticed, Star Jones finally went on record in Marie Claire stating that she lost a lot of weight over a very short period of time because she did, in fact, have gastric bypass surgery, Tara Reid was pictured on the beach with noticeably less scarring and warping on the skin covering her stomach and Marilyn Manson was in trouble for not paying his keyboardist a large sum of money. Instead of paying the musician he was reported to have bought a collection of Nazi memorabilia and a Chinese girl’s skeleton.

Tom Cruise started the “I’m heterosexual” campaign again stating that he and business associate Katie Holmes were planning a nude magazine spread together just like the Beckhams, Paula Abdul was rumoured to have an alarm clock next to her home’s private salon chair to wake her up when she inevitably passed out from taking whatever tablets she take and the Style and Beauty Editor of Cosmopolitan magazine proclaimed that Pete Wentz, Jared Leto and A J McLean should lose their trademark eyeliner.

The fading of Paris Hilton’s star continued as the Simple Life was cancelled after 5 seasons and it was reported and then refuted that Conrad Hilton had become so disgusted with his grand daughter that he had written her out of the will. Despite her lack of talent and fading star, however, Paris managed to score a role in the film “Repo! The Genetic Opera” with Paul Sorvino.

And while all the big young pop starlets were busy falling apart, going insane or fading away, two clean new faces popped up to vie for the chance to fill their spots; Ashley Tinsdale from “High School Musical” who had a birthday party on the beach conspicuously sans alcohol and also, Alli Sims, the cousin and former assistant to Britney Spears who released a cover of “On My Own” from “Les Miserables” on her newly constructed website.

In numbers and records news, Phyllis Turner became the oldest recipient of a Master’s Degree when she graduated at the age of 94, the hairiest man in China put in a bid to carry the Olympic flame for the Beijing Olympics, Japanese children were racing beetles for fun, some of which cost them up to $US10,000 and a woman in the US state of Arkansas gave birth to her 17th child.

In Australasia, Australian Defense Department plans to cull thousands of kangaroos were abandoned when the plan was discovered and protested against. The military then adopted the potential plan to transport the animals to another area in air conditioned containers at huge expense, the Dean of St. Patrick’s Church in Melbourne, Australia was fired after a video tape of him swearing at a group of boys was released to the Internet, and a group of New Zealand vegans announced that they would no longer have sex with people who eat meat.

In China, the government announced that it would be arresting badly behaved people at football matches in preparation for the Beijing Olympics, a collective of people who had planned to dig up the bones of a wealthy Chinese man’s dead wife and hold them to ransom were stopped mid-dig and so they simply hacked at their thwarter’s limbs with meat cleavers and robbed the cemetery office instead and panda dung was being used to make souvenirs.

In Europe and the UK, a 61 year old Sicilian man had his allowance cut off by his mother who also called the police on him when he returned home late one night, fans of William McGonagall, Scotland’s worst poet were campaigning that he be allowed into the canon of Scottish literary figures despite his generally laughable verse and there were several sightings of a mysterious beast in the hills of Dartmoor, England, the same place that inspired Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to write, “The Hound of the Baskervilles”.

A Russian submarine placed a Russian flag on the sea bed near the North Pole as part of its campaign to drill for gas and oil in the region and the headstone of a 17 year old boy who died was confiscated because no one could pay the bill attached to it. Eventually, the boy’s former class mates raised the 750 dollars and the stone was reinstated.

"That's just business," said Linda Anderson of Memorial Art Monument. "If we give every stone to everybody, we'd be out of business. They'd repossess your car if you didn't make payments."