US Weekly reports that Jimmy Fallon, who was so utterly hot on SNL but so annoyingly incapable of just doing a sketch where he didn’t fucking laugh all the way through, married Nancy Juvonen which essentially marks him as heterosexual. After he left SNL he did stack on a few kilos and probably has a muffin top.

I never really had an opinion on his sexuality either way but I know this producer, peripherally, who swears Fallon was always trying to get him to go away with him and always had these vibes about how Fallon was gay. It was never a clear cut situation where this producer I sort of know said, “He asked me to have sex.” Or anything. Now that I think about it it was just blow hard producer fodder coming from a person whose entire self worth is wrapped up in who he knows and can talk about. Sometimes people are so good at namedropping that you forget that name dropping is totally desperate and gauche and you buy into it.

So, here we are again with a story about something that has a mild mild chance of having any substance and because it’s the slowest news day ever I’m writing about it.

I’m actually writing this 3000 word profile of a fisting porn producer and it’s becoming complex and I’m procrastinating a whole heap on it. I always do anyway and I accept that procrastination is part of my creative process because writing is sort of like slowing drawing out your subconscious which can be painful. It’s only really painful for the first bit and then when you’re into it it’s ok and calming. It’s just getting through that initial barrier that can be hateful.

I just remembered this time I was out with these really fucked people in Australia and we wanted to get a drink so they suggested we go to this boating club next door to the Ritz Carlton. It was all wood paneling and dark carpet and suit jackets and we were like 22. I never really hung out with these people. I mean, I knew the girl from years before and my friend was about to move in with her - it was a coincidence. She had a generically hot boyfriend but they were only dating because he looked good on paper. They were the kind of people where that was enough to justify dating for like a year. I have no idea why we went there. Probably because the people I was with are trust fund douchebags and that’s the kind of place they felt at home. God, I have to get started on the next section of this profile. [source]

Referring to the fact that she’s engaged to acting deadweight Josh Duhamel, Fergie has told People Magazine "I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, I'm thrilled.". And that’s actually nice to know.

They make an interesting couple in the sense that while Josh Duhamel is more or less pointless besides the fact that he’s really hot, Fergie is actually talented as a singer and even if she’s not THAT great, she’s able to own up to being a basic mess and I really think that’s admirable.
Josh Duhamel’s career will probably get the boost he needs to start making better movies that means he may potentially take a step up from attending only corporately rigged travesty awards shows like the Blockbuster Movie Awards where Transformers won the award for “Best Summer Movie You Haven’t Seen Yet” or and you hadn’t seen it because it hadn’t been released yet meaning that the entire thing was just totally inane, meaningless PR fluff.

Right now, Josh Duhamel can only really be one of those people who turn up to awards shows in sunglasses, jeans and a t shirt with a fresh tan to walk on stage and talk to people in the audience as he presents something crap to someone lame and predictable like Steve-O from Jackass. You know those crap awards shows where the audience never stops screaming probably because the bulk of them are wannabe PR flacks in the first 5 rows who are completely validated by the gift bag they’re getting and the fact that they’ll probably get to stand next to someone like Josh Duhamel at the after party. Yes, Josh Duhamel reeks of LA.

In fact, the bulk of Duhamel’s list of acting credits are interviews he’s done on talk shows.
Fergie on the other hand isn’t SO crap because she has a vulnerable side. Like the time she actually shat her pants on stage. Then later on she owned up to it. I felt a certain respect for her for that. She’s a little tiresome with all her insistence on being portrayed as someone who is a success because of her furs and jewels but at least we know she was once addicted to meth and shat her pants on stage. She didn’t piss her pants, she actually shat her pants. She probably shat her pants because of dreadful dreadful anxiety that led to the loss of control over her bowels. Again, she’s a pop star who has bowels. How many pop stars admit to that? Not enough as far as I’m concerned.

So, Fergie and Josh Duhamel are getting married and it’s going to help them both. Wait, how does it help her? Oh, she’s thrilled that’s right. But as if you wouldn’t be with that hot piece of ass. [source]

Gatecrasher in the New York Daily News reports that Mary Louise Parker was apparently overheard talking about how someone in the cast of “Weeds” lacks talent and has a sense of entitlement. Clearly, the implication here is that it’s Mary Kate Olsen but I would like to interject and stop that unfair rumour dead in its tracks.

Sure MKO looks like she’s headed towards being the contemporary equivalent of the daughter or mother from Grey Gardens (of both rolled into one enchanting package), sure she and her sister inspired an entire hate filled campaign from PETA, sure she wrote an astonishingly vague and pointless editorial for the New York Times about how she once borrowed a Chanel handbag from her sister but then never returned it. These things are all true and they are all punishable by a future of enforced irrelevance; something both girls essentially deserve.

HOWEVER, when she played the essentially likeable but delusional Christian pot smoker on Weeds it was probably her best work to date. I mean, it was basically just her real personality but with a few decorative character elements surrounding it to make her seem more self aware than she really is but she didn’t forget her lines and it actually seemed like they shot large portions of dialogue in one go.

This is how slow it is today. I’m defending an Olsen Twin’s ability to act. Plus, the basis for this is so meager anyway because it’s a gossip item about one statement from Mary Louise Parker that could be about anyone. I mean, who knows, maybe she was talking about the jaw droppingly hot Hunter Parrish. In fact, just mentioning him here means I can justify putting up a picture of him and MKO even though he’s only a marginal component of this post. Maybe his hot entitled ass is a pain to deal with. Those hot teenaged boy actors who know they’re hot always need to be slapped about a bit. Really slapped. It’s so slow today. No one is about generating fodder so this post is really just a metanarrative on what it is. I’m so self indulgent. [source]

Week # 52 in Review

This week is stunted because I was away over Christmas. It's still got the basic rundown though.

In the week that contained both Christmas and the final Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday of 2007, Popstar Britney Spears apparently refused to allow her two boys to open presents given to them by their grandparents and she was escorted out of the Beverly Hills Four Seasons Hotel’s Presidential Suite for being too disruptive while liaising with a member of the paparazzi. Speculation continued that 18 year old Casey Aldridge may not actually be the father of 16 year old Nickelodeon actress Jamie Lynn Spears’s child as rumours circulated that the father is actually a much older man who works as an executive at Nickelodeon.

Hilton Hotels tycoon and the grandfather of reality TV show character and former zeitgeist Paris Hilton, Conrad Hilton announced that 97% of his money would be put into a trust when he dies rather than left to his grandchildren leaving Paris Hilton with no claim to her famous inheritance and actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie took their family to McDonalds for Christmas dinner.

Gay porn producer Michael Lucas publicly offered The Hills character Spencer Pratt a part in a gay porn film, The Olsen Twins responded to the aggressive character attacks they received as a result of PETA’s “The Trollsens” campaign by saying that they would like to make it up to PETA for wearing fur, pop star Jessica Simpson’s film “Blonde Ambition” which also stars actor Luke Wilson took in 1200 dollars in total over its opening weekend in 8 cinemas and pop star Cher and her daughter Chastity Bono were shopping around an idea for their own reality show not unlike “The Osbournes” for which they promised there would be entertaining amounts of fighting.

Spice Girl Victoria Beckham had tens of thousands of dollars worth of shoes and jewelry stolen from her dressing room along with Spice Girls costumes while performing in Germany, actor Will Smith was attacked by the Jewish community for stating that Hitler probably didn’t think he was doing anything wrong after which he clarified his point and they accepted it, actor Josh Duhamel and former Black Eyed Peas lead singer Fergie announced their engagement and actresses Mischa Barton and Rebecca deMornay were arrested for DUI.

In the United States two brothers handed out 100 dollar bills to random people at Christmas in a shopping center on Long Island and a New York City doorman was awarded just over 6 million dollars for slipping over on a pile of pigeon excrement on his way home from work. He was originally awarded 7.67 million dollars but 20% of the original amount was deducted because he was deemed to be 20% responsible for his fall.

In the UK, Queen Elizabeth II’s Christmas message for 2007 was uploaded for the first time, to the Royal Family’s youtube page while in Germany sales of beer were at an all time low at just 112.5 liters per person for 2007, and thanks to the assistance of a list of public figures and politicians the winner of the Miss France beauty pageant was allowed to keep her crown after she won it and nude pictures of her lying in a crucifix position were published by a magazine; breaking the rules.

In Asia, a shipment of sex dolls that were destined to be used in a PETA campaign against animal cruelty were seized by customs officials in the Philippines and not allowed to reach their destination; the dolls were meant to form part of a protest against KFC, in Japan the Hello Kitty brand is now to be marketed towards men and it was revealed that 70% of Japanese prisoners surveyed felt they deserved more room in their cells, better food and nice pyjamas.

In Australasia, an Australian man got stuck in a brick chimney on Christmas and had to be blasted out using explosives. He was not charged at the time the news report was filed and a New Zealand woman who had noticed an unpleasant smell in her house on Christmas Day found that it was coming from a dead mouse that had been trapped in her Christmas cracker.

“It ruined my appetite for the rest of the day,” she said.

Week #51 in Review

The sister of pop star Britney Spears, Nickelodian series actor Jamie Lynn Spears, 16 announced through OK! Magazine that she is pregnant with her boyfriend, 19 year old Casey Aldridge’s child. She and her mother signed an exclusivity deal with OK! magazine worth one million dollars in return for the first pictures of the baby once it is born. On the flip side, the release of Lynn Spears’ new book on being a parent to two showbiz children was postponed indefinitely. Speculation began about whether charges of statutory rape would be filed against Casey Aldridge seeing as Jamie Lynn Spears is under aged and speculation that the father of the child is in fact, rapper L’il Romeo also arose. Britney Spears was reported to be angry and resentful that she wasn’t told about her sister’s pregnancy before the press were and found out when a paparazzi photographer asked her how she felt about it while the cousin of the Spears girls, Alli Sims gave an interview to a German magazine explaining how she wanted to be the next Norah Jones and make a career based on her talent rather than her genetic proximity to Britney Spears.

Aspiring actress Tara Reid appeared to have visibly lost weight and fell over in Bali and it was rumoured that she was in hospital but those allegations were denied, while talking with comedienne Joan Rivers, talk show host Martha Stewart lamented on her show that real estate mogul Donald Trump’s brand of steaks were not actually made out of the filleted flesh of Donald Trump himself while, actress Joan Collins’s daughter was reported to be dating a man over a decade her junior – a trait that was pointed out to be very similar to that of her mother and ticket sales for the Spice Girls tour were reportedly not as high as had been anticipated.

Pop star Michael Jackson’s son accidentally hit him in the face causing the collagen in his lips to implode which meant that he needed to have emergency plastic surgery, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrence Owens, when referring to the presence of pop star Jessica Simpson at the last game the Cowboys played, a game which they lost, said, “Right now, Jessica is not a fan favorite – in this locker room or in Texas Stadium.”, supermodel Kate Moss hired a lawyer to ensure that her ex boyfriend, rocker Pete Doherty did not use private footage he had been offered one million dollars for by Britain’s ITV2 Network for a documentary about the relationship between Moss and Doherty entitled, “Kate and Pete: A Love Story”.

Publisher Larry Flynt spoke with Vanity Fair Magazine about the pending presidential election and was quoted as saying, “I don’t hate gays. But I don’t want to live in an apartment full of them. They’ll bitch and cry and all. That doesn’t bother Giuliani. It doesn’t bother Giuliani to put on a dress to do “Saturday Night Live”. I don’t trust him.”, British pop star Lily Allen announced she was pregnant with the baby of her boyfriend of three months, 37 year old Chemical Brothers member Ed Simons, and actress Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael Lohan appeared in Times Square, New York playing the part of Joseph in a recreation of the Nativity Scene for Christmas.

High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale was required to drop out of a few scheduled appearances because she was having rhinoplasty to correct a deviated septum, despite speculation that her waist and thighs are as wide as they are because she is pregnant, it was revealed that Love Hewitt’s waist size was simply natural and a size 2 and not because she was with child, film director John Singleton was busy finding a cast for his feature length remake of 80s TV series “The A Team”, and model Pamela Anderson announced that she was divorcing her husband of three months, Rick Salomon but then days later announced that they were attempting to work it out.

In numbers and records news, Reuters published its list of most memorable quotes from 2007 and included in that list was the phrase “Don’t Tase Me Bro” spoken by University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer when attending a speech given by Senator John Kerry and the phrase, “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country” which was spoken by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when addressing New York’s Columbia University, and American and Indonesian scientists who have been exploring the Foja Mountains of Papua New Guinea discovered a new breed of rat which weighs in at 5 times the weight of a typical city rat.

In the UK, a study conducted by the Unum Insurance Agency found that 1 in 5 British people who called in sick to work did so because of a hangover and Queen Elizabeth II became Britain’s oldest reigning monarch. In France, a week of celebration began to honor the national bird, the poulet de Bresse and Isabelle Dinoire, the first woman to receive a face transplant was reportedly happy with the way the operation turned out 18 months after initially going under the knife. In Italy a couple who named their child “Friday” were instructed that they were not allowed to have done so and were ordered to change the child’s name to Gregory as a court found their decision to be “shameful”.

A ten year old boy who was reportedly raised by wolves escaped a clinic in Moscow after being rescued from the wild a day before and in India a physics teacher was arrested for giving 22 students electric shocks from an exposed wire as punishment. Japan’s science and education minister, Kisaburo Tokai continued the debate in Japanese Parliament about whether UFOs exist when he said, “It would be fun if they existed”, and a 100 year old man named Masaru Hori was arrested after he drove his car into an umbrella held by a child.

A 33 year old woman on crutches was arrested on charges of disturbing the peace in Danbury Fair Mall, Connecticut when she groped a man playing Santa Claus, Ingrid Rivera and the winner of the Miss Puerto Rico beauty pageant contest who claimed that her dress and makeup had been sprayed with pepper spray prior to her winning the contest was revealed to have been telling the truth after a police investigation was conducted regarding her claims.

Drug dealers in Rio de Janeiro open fired on a helicopter carrying a man playing Santa Claus who was on his way to a poor village because they thought the helicopter was part of a police raid, thieves broke into Sao Paulo’s leading art museum and stole two paintings thought to be worth about 50 million dollars including one by Pablo Picasso and Pantone, the paint company declared the blue iris (No. 18-3943) is the color of 2008.

“I think green is being abused to death, “said Regis Pean, creative director of Studio Red while Terron Schaefer, senior vice president of marketing at Sakes Fifth Avenue was quoted as saying, “I’m thrilled.”

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Japan’s Science and Education minister Kisaburo Tokai has continued the discussion about UFOs by saying that he hopes they exist because "It would be fun if they existed." Which, for all intents and purposes, is true. The UFO question is tricky when you’re a politician. Dennis Kucinich was recently asked about them and even though he answered the question reasonably well he still came off looking like a conspiracy theorist crackpot – probably just for even going there. Yes, the concept of UFOs are more or less political box office poison. [source]

A ten year old kid who was raised by wolves and has the toenails to prove it escaped from a Moscow clinic one day after being rescued from the wild. Apparently, people are worried about his tendency to bite people because he is probably riddled with disease and he has very sharp teeth. It’s interesting how people sometimes get raised by wolves. Some woman was raised by wolves in India a while back. Why do wolves consistently find themselves raising children? Where am I? [source]

France is holding a week of celebrations to pay homage to what they’re referring to as “the Queen of Chickens”, the the poulet de Bresse. The poulet de Bresse has blue feet, white feathers and red plumage and you can only get them from specific breeders in France. Apparently the poulet de Bresse is the actual symbol of France. I had no idea that France was represented by a rooster/chicken. I mean, it’s really surprising to me that they’d allow themselves to be represented by the most common of all bird cuisine. But then, I remember once when my step sister decided that we would eat organic chickens for Christmas and it was this idea that struck me as so unimaginative that it was meant to be really chic. Maybe that’s the whole point here. The thing is, I love these food festivals. I went to the Monterey squid festival when I was like 9 and I never forgot it. [source]

On her show with guest Joan Rivers Martha Stewart lamented that Donald Trump’s steaks were not actually steaks made from Donald Trump himself. The Post reports that Donald Trump wasn’t available for comment and THAT is the real part of the news. It’s now been 24 hours and still he’s said nothing. Something is up. Is he dead? I mean entirely not just his soul. [source]

The Post reports that Joan Collins is old but she puts a lot of work into making herself look and feel young despite the fact that she looks like all the sewing in her face would come undone if the wind blew slightly in her direction. That’s old news. Turns out her daughter is more or less the same way – she’s dating someone 15 years younger than her. Apart from a desperate need to look younger, what do the Collins women actually contribute? [source]

The Spice Girls global tour is tanking according to the Post who reports that ticket sales are consistently slow. Perhaps that’s because the only thing that hasn’t been seriously seriously attended to in this tour is the fact that they need top notch material and an act. Maybe Posh’s tendency toward being an energy vacuum is the reason no one is seeing the show. She just sucks out all the talent and potential and then they’re left with nothing. [source]

Alli Sims gave an interview to a German magazine which centered entirely on the fact that she wants to be known for her talents and not for being Britney Spears’ cousin. This is of course timely because right now it’s totally press worthy to be related to Britney even if it means people are only looking at you for reassurance that they’re not completely fucked. Kudos for Alli Sims for jumping on the bandwagon that only she can jump on because she’s Britney’s cousin. [source]

Britney is mad and resentful that her sister got pregnant at 16. There’s speculation that they have an estranged relationship because Britney is totally self obsessed which is fairly reasonable. In fact, it’s so reasonable that it explains the basis for Britney’s outrage; that she wasn’t told FIRST. [source]

Speculation around who the potential father of the new Spears spawn is now ensuing as it’s reported that Jamie Lynn has been dating L’il Romeo, a young rapper. That means that the potential father could be either the southern white boy Casey Aldridge OR it could be the black L ‘il Rapper. So, now, if we can just keep the speculation down to those two it’ll be a fascinating birth to behold seeing as we will be able to tell as soon as the kid’s skin color is evident. Oh, maybe they should throw a Japanese teenager into the potential father list too. Just to make it more interesting. [source]

Michael Jackson has undergone emergency surgery on his mouth after his son allegedly smacked him in the face with a toy. Apparently the collagen imploded meaning that his face has started to implode as well. I would actually warrant a guess that his face will eventually be the gateway to another world from which strange creatures will emerge and initiate the Apocalypse. Everything points in that direction aesthetically. [source]

While Tara Reid did fall over causing actual reportage to be printed about her that didn’t relate to her being drunk, she is not in hospital after allegedly collapsing from exhaustion or some crap. I don’t know why I’m still tying. Honestly. Shouldn’t she get started writing a one woman show about her rise to the lower middle and then her decline through the earth’s crust? I mean the metaphorical earth’s crust because her career is appalling and she’s dreadful. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Pantone, a company which is apparently an authority in color, has announced that the color for 2008 will be blue iris, or No. 18-3943. The color for 2007 was chili pepper red, as of course we all knew. And look, it was a contentious race too. “I think green is being abused to death,” said Regis Pean, creative director of Studio Red. “I’m thrilled,” Terron Schaefer, senior vice president of marketing at Saks Fifth Avenue, said of the blue news. I personally have burnt my apartment to the ground and have already beguin work reconstructing it out of old Yves Klein scultures I had lying around in storage. I seem to have begun not a minute too soon. [source]

About 5 hours ago (as of 3:21pm) Queen Elizabeth II became the oldest reigning monarch in British History. I don’t really find that surprising though seeing as she probably has access to the finest healthcare and services instantly. For example, if her hip hurts one day she can ring a small bell and when she wakes up the next morning a new hip will have been installed as she slept. Despite that, I have clear and obvious concern for her teeth. The Queen Mother looked like she wore false teeth made of wood. I expect better from Queen Elizabeth II. I will be poised with a pen and paper at all times from now on ready to complain if necessary. [source]

So, it turns out that Ingrid Rivera, the Miss Puerto Rico beauty pageant winner who claimed to have had her gown sabotaged with pepper spray prior to walking on stage and winning the competition while smiling actually did have pepper spray put all through her clothes. She wasn’t lying. I still think she probably did it. Those beauty pageant queens know they need to do more than win if they want to get somewhere after all that pain and suffering they go through to actually just win. They have to up the ante so they leak photos of themselves and the poison their clothes. She’ll probably get a cosmetics line contract just because she kept smiling. That’s what Western Culture is based on. [source]

Thieves broke into Sao Paulo's leading art museum early on Thursday and stole two oil paintings, the museum said, including Picasso's 1904 "Portrait of Suzanne Bloch" that could be worth about $50 million (25.2 million pounds) and Brazilian painter Candido Portinari's 1939 "The Coffee Worker". I’ve always wondered what these people think they’re getting away with. I mean, sure it’s worth 50 million but how could you sell it? You could say you just found it and you thought maybe it was a print I guess. Oh, wait – freakish dictators buy art like this. Yeah, that’s right. But you know, to be able to steal something from a museum these days takes guts, determination and real know how so I think kudos must go to the thieves for actually getting away with it. [source]

Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrence Owens has been quoted as saying that "Right now, Jessica is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," and of course, he’s referring to Jessica Simpson.

Right now is a really interesting time because the mere existence of the Simpson sisters – in a way similar to how the mere existence of the Olsen Twins has sparked a huge sense of vicious outrage from PETA – has inspired so much resentment that they’re both being blamed for the most inane, irrational things possible and no one is stepping in to say “Ok, yeah…listen, it’s not actually possible for the Simpson sisters to be responsible for massed failure outside their own sphere of influence.”

Although, it is really gratifying on some level to see two ditsy blonde Hollywood pop products get resented so thoroughly. I don’t even know why. I mean, what do I care, really? I guess the image of Jessica Simpson being a beacon of failure is mildly hilarious. It’s actually slightly funnier than that image of her falling down stairs bouncing the whole way on her breasts as she laughs hysterically at the roller-coaster like fun she’s having.

After all, Major Movie Star wasn’t exactly a masterpiece and she’s singing country music now for Christ’s sake.

The other Simpson is acting like a soul vacuum for the already hyper styled “Fall Out Boy”. God, what is it about them that means that they just suck up all the energy and leave cultural corpses behind.

See, I don’t even agree with the Dallas Cowboys and I’m still arguing their case. There’s nothing that can be done. The Simpson sisters are living metaphors for illness and failure. [source]

Kate Moss is, according to the New York Post, siccing her lawyers onto Pete Doherty to ensure that he doesn’t work with Britain's ITV2 network to tell all about their romance and share his home videos of her in a documentary titled "Kate & Pete: A Love Story." She’s really concerned.

While the concept of considering Pete Doherty a threat is probably laughable to basically anyone else, besides maybe his kittens or small children who get in the way of him and his heroin, Kate Moss is delusional.

For Pete Doherty to actually be able to help in the making of a film that involves his film footage he’d have to be able to coherently put together a list of things to do in order to play a part in its production. I mean, he’d have to freaking honestly put down the crack pipe and deliver the footage. Although, perhaps behind closed doors, Pete Doherty, when high, is a meticulously clean, filing obsessed organizer. Yes, that works for me. In fact, he more than likely puts on a maid outfit and vigorously cleans while walking on tip toe, every inch of his home and while in the process he catalogues his own library of family video tapes.

Yes, he knows exactly where it all is and for a million dollars he’d be able to find them. I mean, that’s crack money for like a year for Pete Doherty.

Kate Moss better get her lawyer onto it so she can get some of that money ITV2 is offering.
Incidentally, I’m so glad someone is making a documentary about their relationship. I’m dying to be able to identify. [source]

Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler Magazine, has been quoted as saying to VanityFair.com:

"I don't hate gays. But I don't want to live in an apartment full of them. They'll bitch and cry and all. That doesn't bother Giuliani. It doesn't bother Giuliani to put a dress on to do 'Saturday Night Live.' I don't trust him."

The thing is, I would have thought that for an old chicken fucker like Flynt, the only thing that should provide any reassurance that Giuliani is in any way human and not just a hard nosed, 9/11 exploiting megalomaniac IS his penchant for dressing in women’s clothing in public and having the good humour to do Saturday Night Live. The rest of Giuliani’s legacy is riddled with professional corruption, narcissism and incest. Not to mention the fact that his son hates him which can only mean he’s even less likely to be a viable Republican candidate.

Still, I guess his angle is to expose hypocritical politicians in light of their sexual oddities and he’s dealing with a national market of people who probably think that all gay men cross dress and cry uncontrollably. Maybe this is just the same kind of thing as John Edwards repeatedly saying “We will hunt down the terrorists and kill them” because “kill” rated as the right word among test audiences. Larry Flynt's area of expertise is sex. There's something annoying about this though. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

According to a study conducted by the Unum Insurance Agency, 1 in 5 British people take days off because they have a hangover as opposed to say, a legitimate illness or are having an affair. The thing is, they only surveyed 500 people to get this result so the results might be mildly ambitious and you also have to ask how it was that an insurance agency went about asking questions in the first place. Furthermore, it’s easy to laugh and say obvious things like “Well, that’s just because English people are so uptight and depressed, the only way they can relax or deal with reality is to drink.” Yeah, it’s pretty easy to say stuff like that. [source]

A physics teacher in India has been arrested for giving 22 naughty students electric shocks from an exposed wire connected to a battery as punishment. According to the Associated Press physical punishment is illegal in Indian schools, but hitting students remains common in many parts of the country. Perhaps that’s actually why they were unruly. Everyone knows that kids only really respond to being physically beaten and abused every time they do something wrong. Especially those damned cocky alpha males who study physics and act like they know everything. They would probably respond really WELL to a good thrashing. Most kids I talk to like to be smacked in the head with a mallet for talking. My old English teacher somehow convinced me that when he did that to kids they were generally asking for it. Of course, my old English teacher was a celibate repressed homosexual so who knows how he came up with that logic. He used to wear a leather tie and leather hat. I mean, a leather tie AND hat. You could maybe get away with one or the other but rarely both. [source]


Reuters has revealed a list of some of the most memorable quotes of 2007 and the list includes “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” – which was first spoken by University of Florida student Andrew Meyer on September 17 when he was loudly protesting at a speech given by Senator John Kerry. It somehow managed to be so annoying that it hit a cultural nerve and now there are ring tones and all sorts of crap out there that are based on it. After that came Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s October comment at Columbia University, “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country.” That was pure political business and he really actually benefited from the booing that made up the reaction. Brad Pitt saying that he and Angelina Jolie would probably “crap out” about 7 kids in the coming years gets near the top of my list. [source]

And, right on totally late cue, Lily Allen chimes in with the news that she’s also pregnant to boyfriend of three months, 37-year-old Chemical Brothers member Ed Simons. What a surprise.

You can always tell when a celebrity publicity stunt is becoming a trend because Lily Allen will tag along way after it seems viable. She is sort of the female Jesse Metcalfe of rehab in that way. When Paris Hilton was arrested she was all about announcing to the press about how she smacked a photographer and was taken in trouble with the police. She even said, “I’m going to be like Paris Hilton now” or something to that effect. At that point, getting arrested was the new rehab. Having a kid is the new getting arrested.

The greatest part about the whole thing though, is the statement from the publicist:

“I am pleased to confirm that Lily Allen and her boyfriend Ed Simons are expecting their first child. However, as the pregnancy is at a very, very early stage, the couple ask that you respect their privacy, as the health of Lily and their child is their paramount concern. As the pregnancy is at such an early stage the couple will be making no further comment but they are obviously both thrilled by the news. Lily's new album will be released as planned next year."

I’m sorry, Lily Allen most certainly does NOT ask that you respect their privacy at all. What would be the point of this is that were what they freaking wanted? Lily Allen wants a three ring circus around her so she can pretend to ignore it and be annoyed by it. I would even hold out to find out if she actually is pregnant. She’s still smoking for one thing. [source]

Another stunning, face explodingly shocking surprise relating to the Spears family: People Magazine has just reported that the release of Britney’s mother Lynn Spears’ new book “Pop Culture Mom”, which chronicles her experiences raising two girls that work in the spotlight, has been delayed indefinitely.

The great thing about this is the you know the reason she has to delay the book is because it was full of all these completely fraudulent anecdotes about how stern and strict she was in instilling morals and a sense of grounding into her children. It probably reeks of contemporary spa culture spirituality and Dr. Phil logic that would probably have sold to the Oprah demographic really well prior to Britney’s relentless descent into the firey pits of unraveled Hollywood product madness.

“I worked hard to keep my daughters grounded in those delicate early years. When Britney was 7, for example, she really wanted to buy a pony and I thought she was just trying to be like a character she saw on TV so I took her to a farm and made her volunteer to shovel horse manure and take care of some ponies. Well, she wasn’t so keen after that. It’s that kind of thing that has made my family strong. We live and work through things together. Britney and I also share a love of organic tea and butterflies and we spend a little time each night writing in our gratitude journals together.”

When in reality, you know that from ages 7-15, Britney and her mother only spoke through press secretaries and Britney was already heavily medicated for diet related ADHD and a nervous disorder that stemmed entirely from having an emotionally absent yet aggressive show mother whose impossible standards could never be met. I kid. What do I know? [source]

Not surprisingly, Michael Lohan was actually playing the role of Joseph, the (step) father of Christ in a Nativity Scene set up in Times Square yesterday, Page Six is reporting.
The father of Christ is essentially the role he was born to play and in a business sense, he has been living the role since Lindsay Lohan was born so kudos must go to the people who cast that scene. Well, he’s been living the role since he and Dina Lohan discovered she was good at earning them money.

Actually, to be fair, Michael Lohan has been unusually quiet of late – I guess probably because Lindsay Lohan has just been drying up and speed dating moochers – nothing too crazy so there was no real opportunity for him to sound off about parenting techniques in the media.

It seems likely that the lack of attention was getting to him though so he just looked inside his soul and came up with an idea to let out who he really feels he is. And what with his angle as the reformed Christian of the two parents (as opposed to the wife’s angle which is really just that of a failed, non-Rockette Mama Rose) playing the father of Christ seemed like the natural next step.

Half of that paragraph felt like it was something he would actually say in an interview.
“Well, I gave birth to a miracle child who has keep me in furs despite my jail time and totally unemployable personality so playing the father of Christ was a natural step for me…”
When you couple Michael Lohan as Joseph with the American Museum of Natural History’s recent event to celebrate the birthday of a small German polar bear – it’s virtually impossible to argue that Manhattan is completely dull. [source]

16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears is actually pregnant with her boyfriend Casey Aldridge’s kid and everyone is shocked. Why people are shocked is beyond me; shot gun wedding culture is a family tradition so teenaged pregnancy naturally forms part of that legacy. Spears confirmed that she was with child to OK! Magazine in an interview that hits news stands today.

I would have thought that the last thing you would do at 16 while you’re on a kid’s TV show and you’re a minor celebrity by proxy is go to the press with your “I’m pregnant” story. It pretty much alienates Jamie Lynn from fans of the show “Zoey 101” and it totally lumps her in with the pop wreck sister where she was previously the good, innocent and more marketable – or at least less slothful and unhinged - of the two sisters. Even Alli Sims knew not to invoke the name of Britney when she launched her website and stab at a music career despite the fact that she was almost entirely just riding the fame she’d achieved by standing next to Britney and picking up her garbage as an assistant.

But still, at least Jamie Lynn Spears won’t be able to go down the same psychotically focused path that Britney went down in her quest for fame and marketability. The path that eventually turned her into this decade’s female Michael Jackson. She will never be able to be the one dimensional pop princess her sister was if she has a kid. Maybe she’ll be a white, Republican version of Fantasia Barrino. She could turn up to rehearsals and filming with kids on her hips and a cig hanging out of her mouth but still wearing the high school cheerleader outfit and lipgloss. At 19. That’s unfair to Barrino. I’m still fighting the urge to call Jamie Lynn Spears a whore. I mean, that would be unfair too. [source]

Also, it turns out that Pam Anderson may not actually be getting divorced from her husband, professional pimp Rick Salomon. That’s not fair. I love Pam Anderson. It turns out that just like her decision to actually marry him, her decision to divorce him has essentially changed over night. Well, that’s according to the blog on her website which reads simply "We're working it out". Other reports from the Times of London (!) state that she has reconciled with Salomon just three days after filing for divorce.

I take this sort of as a good omen. I mean, if Pam Anderson and a porn producer pimp can’t make it work then who the hell can? No one, that’s who. Come on Pam. Come through for everyone. The fate of the world rests on your rack. [source] [source]

God, it’s all about young women of pop culture today; apparently the universe is now blaming Jessica Simpson for making the Dallas Cowboys lose over the weekend which, by itself is completely inane and stands as a testament to how god damned stupid professional sport is. Mind you, if these people didn’t have sport to cling to maybe they’d be out singing in public and selling their home made knitwear so let them blame Jessica Simpson for a sports team in which she doesn’t play losing. Fine.

But, isn’t it interesting that in the space of two weeks Ashley Simpson was blamed by Fall Out Boy for their failing to get any Grammy nominations and now Jessica is being blamed for making the Dallas Cowboys lose. This is sort of on par with the times that Paris Hilton’s sidekick was stolen and all her details were spread all over the country by the hackers. It’s just kicking them down so they can be kicked more.

The weird thing is, I know it’s totally irrational to blame the Simpsons sisters for things they have no real part in but there’s a part of me that sort of does believe that their careers to date have actually been leading up to this moment. I mean, is it completely unfeasible that Jessica Simpson is NOT actually a demon? A terrible cursed demon that brings travesty upon all? Eventually? I think is it completely feasible that that is the truth of the matter. [source]

Following on from her massive inconvenient “deviated septum” operation, Ashley Tisdale has had to drop out of a few appearance around the country while the work heals. She even went so far as to (have her publicist’s assistant) write a little note to her fans on her website (vehicle for Disney to hock everything it ever wanted to shovel down the throats of the pre adolescent demographic they currently have a strangle hold on with the High School Musical franchise) which reads:

Special note from Ashley

To my fans and friends in Miami and Philadelphia,

I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be at the holiday shows this weekend. I haven't fully recovered from my surgery and had to make the difficult decision to cancel the appearances.

When my surgery was scheduled, we didn't think it would be necessary to cancel the shows because my doctor thought I would heal in time. Unfortunately, the deviated septum was more significant than we originally thought so the healing process is taking longer.

The last thing I ever want to do is disappoint my fans. I flew out to the east coast with the dancers and crew, still hoping I would be well enough to perform.

I hope you all have a very happy holiday season.

I love you guys!

Ashley

Of course, by “the deviated septum was more significant than we originally thought” she means “I had a little botox and some lipo around that stubborn slightly post teen mid section and now I have to wear a corset and can’t breath properly but that’s fine because at least I’ll be thinner and more innocuously beautiful than I used to be”.

The other thing is, she sort of seems to be everywhere at the moment. There are these posters of her all over the subway at the moment, like at the Graham stop on the L – who the fuck in Williamsburg is buying into the Ashley Tisdale franchise? The only people who live in Williamsburg really are jaded bloggers wannabe producer trust fund kids who could easily be doing the same thing they do all day long in New York in the OC. Wow, totally not relevant.

Anyway – the main thing that stands out on all these posters is her bulbous rubbery nose. Plus, I mean the photo I used up above shows how her face is pretty much a horse face. I mean, she looks like the love child of Senator John Kerry and Pam Anderson. It makes her look slightly Ashley Simpson-esque, actually. It would make total sense if her people suggested she shave off the parts of her nose that make her look like an individual – especially If she’s not hawking shoes. Like Simpson…Hey, maybe Ashley Simpson is the business model. [source]

When those photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ass were released and everyone was all shocked and amazed it was speculated that maybe her thighs and hips weren’t just the result of slothfulness; maybe she was pregnant. Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Turns out though that Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t pregnant, she’s just actually that fat.

Her waist and hips really are that planetary. It really has to suck ass to be Jennifer Love Hewitt because the only press she seems to get these days is global speculation about why on earth she’s so maddeningly fat all of a sudden. Especially seeing as she used to be quite slim and pretty. She was always a little tunascent but she at least was pretty cute. Like, back when she was on Party of Five she was quite marketable and now it’s all matronly manners and marriage for her.

The one thing that Jennifer Love Hewitt can do is thank her lucky stars she isn’t Tara Reid, although they’re both sort of at the same level of press scrutiny at the moment; they get attention because they’re considered physically freakish. Yeah, Love Hewitt can thank her massive ass she isn’t riddled with a million venereal diseases and doesn’t have a handful of leftover parts from a German panza tank shoved just the skin on her stomach like Reid. What a mess that wench is. A dirty dirty wench. Good for her. Tara Reid’s rat like ways will serve her well when she has to consciously start whoring herself out for bit parts in b movies. In short, Jennifer Love Hewitt should be happy she isn’t Tara Reid even though she seems to be getting the same sort of press and has thighs that could hide a pachyderm. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

American and Indonesian scientists who have been exploring in the Foja Mountains of Papua New Guinea have discovered a new breed of giant rat – 5 times the size of a typical city rat. Can I just ask which city are we talking about here? The rats in New York City are the size of chimps and they’re golden in color. They race at you and try to get you to write about things like chefs who are also DJs and TV actors who no one has ever heard about while smiling relentlessly and plugging onward despite the relentless chasm in their souls. Oh, I’m kidding, that’s a publicist and I actually do really like many many publicists. Many many …of them are …nice. Meanwhile, right now, thanks to this story, all I feel is crippling panic at the thought of aggressive, squealing, hungry, brown toothed giant rats with thick bristly tails running around my feet and up my legs. The weird part about this story is that there’s a picture of some guy holding the freaking thing. HOLDING IT. He’s picked it up and it’s lying in his lap. If I were to do that I would either psychologically vanish to another place and lose all contact with the present or I would be frozen in that moment like that woman who saw her entire family shot by the Nazis at the age of 6 and remained a child her entire life. Yeah, maybe I need to get a grip. The rat that that image has the eyes of a mole and it looks really placid. It knows nothing of the screaming, violent need of its New York relatives and maybe would be nice. Plus, good news re. discovering a new species. Maybe someday someone will finally find that damned lost city of gold and that golden condor that flies like a plane that was built by the Aztecs. Someday. [source]

18 months later, Isabelle Dinoire, the 38 year old French woman whose face was mauled by her loving dog and who then underwear a full face transplant has healed to the extent that she can smile again. Wasn’t this the same woman who got in trouble for smoking after her new face was sewn on and had just started to heal? I seem to remember that. She was this pioneer who had her face replaced and then she freaking lit up a cigarette and started to flood her head with carbon monoxide. Good old French smokers. I wonder if she insisted on not admitting her husband was having an affair and she kept it all inside so she could stay thin. Anyway, apparently everything looks great, apparently, and she’s out on the town again. No news about whether she’s still smoking. [source]

A 100 year old Japanese man named Masaru Hori has been arrested after he drove his car into an umbrella held by a child. "Driving helps me from going senile because it keeps me alert," police in Sendai, northern Japan, quoted Hori, as saying. It’s interesting that this would make the news at the moment, seeing as statistics last week show that crimes committed by the elderly in Japan have increased triple fold over the past ten years. What Japan needs to do is to mobilize the frantic, unfocused energy of their elderly citizens and market a new form of weapon or libido enhancer. I seriously don’t know how that could feasibly happen but then it’s not my responsibility to explain to the Japanese what to do with their badly behaved elderly citizens, I merely point out what is going on and make unusable comments about the situation. [source]