The Reluctant Whore

Week #16 in Review

32 people were shot when a disturbed student walked through the halls of Virginia Tech University and open fired on students and teachers and then shot himself making it the largest massacre in modern American history. Days after the shooting, NBC received in the mail, a package from the killer which contained a video statement, written material and photos explaining the killer’s actions. After playing the footage, people close to the victims requested that it not be played by the media any more.

Hillary Clinton, during a phone interview on radio, was asked what she thought America should do about American Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar, to which she replied, “that is the best question I’ve been asked in a long time”. Meanwhile, Maxim magazine voted Sanjaya their woman of the day and David Spade declared that Sanjaya was “sexy”, confirming to a degree that Sanjaya’s gimmick had worn thin and then, finally, Sanjaya was voted off American Idol.

Richard Gere was in trouble with conservatives in India who burned effigies of him after he kissed a famous Bollywood star in public, Britney Spears made a rambling public statement in which she proclaimed that America is just “so nice” fluctuating between a Valley girl accent and a southern one and Donald Trump attempted to reignite his feud with Rosie O’Donnell by sending Barbara Walters the underwear Rosie wore in her mid-nineties film Exit to Eden.

Anna Nicole Smith’s diaries did not sell online because people weren’t sure if they’d been stolen and also because America is suddenly less interested in the Anna Nicole story, Alec Baldwin was publicly shamed when a ranting, bullyish phone message he left for his daughter, Ireland, where he referred to her as a selfish, ignorant pig was released to the media, Lindsay Lohan was reported to have fallen over in public, made the statement that she felt everyone she knew was not safe unless near her at all times, and to have hooked up with boyish looking DJ, Samantha Ronson.

David Beckham posed for naked photos that were published online.

180,000 bidets in Japan were offered free maintenance after 26 of a certain model were found to have caught fire, people were treating psoriasis and eczema by sitting in large ponds filled with ravenous little fish who ate the dead skin from their bodies, washing their bodies with soap laced with the equivalent of two cups of coffee worth of caffeine that was absorbed through the skin and inserting inflatable breast implants into their bodies.

A boat was found off the coast of Australia with a dinner table set, all flotation devices on board but no actual people and no evidence of where they had gone. New Zealand airport officials quarantined a bag suspecting it to contain a bomb, but it was later revealed to actually contain a sex toy with complex wiring, a man in Israel had his tongue bitten off by a woman during a particularly aggressing make-out session and German soldiers were being told to imagine the target of their aggression was a team of black men from the Bronx, New York.

New Mexico’s entrant for the Miss Universe contest was found to be wearing a dress that was too violent after it was ascertained that the mural depicted on it was of the 1920 Roman Catholic riots and included images of people being hanged, The Berlin Zoo’s famous orphan polar bear Knut was sent a death threat and a man named Jose de Jesus Miranda was banned from three South American nations for claiming to be the Anti-Christ.

President Bush, while on a visit to Ohio where he was speaking about terrorism started making random off-topic statements.

_"There are jobs Americans aren't doing,” he said. “If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about."

And yet, factory owner or not, it was ascertained that few people did.