I'm off to Australia and so I'm madly getting ready to leave. Can't obsess over celebrity inanity today.

I will be back in the saddle from there though. Daily blogging might be difficult but there are so many douche bag delusional c-list celebrities in Australia that I'm pretty sure I'll be offloading regularly. Full-on blogging returns July 20.

In the meantime, here's Ladytron's "Destroy Everything You Touch" which I cannot stop listening to.

And this is Patti Lupone at the Tonys singing her showstopper from "Gypsy". It is astonishing that someone so "insane" could come out with such a flawless performance. There's literally nothing wrong with it.

Standing still has been the best career move Kevin Federline has made. In Touch Weekly is reporting that K-Fed is about to be paid around a million dollars to be the face of Christopher Brian Collection which I’m assuming is a fashion line.

The Fed-ex was famous first for marrying Britney Spears, then he was famous for being a moocher and a slacker and now he’s famous for essentially standing still and being quiet. Aggressively not doing anything is what he does best.

I’d say that the first and third things are proving to have been the most lucrative for him. I mean, he got kids and therefore cash for life from Britney for child support. THEN, and this was his best move ever, he just stopped going out and doing anything and as Britney had a public meltdown, by default he won credibility by standing still.

He should stand still and not do things more often. He’s potentially getting this deal, there are mentions of his “music” career and “film” career – which has got to just be his publicist’s way of hyping him up for potential roles even though there are none – and a little while ago he won a completely pointless award for being a great father from a Las Vegas Nightclub.

That still baffles me. It’s like giving Naomi Campbell a humanitarian award. Or Dina Lohan a “Good Mother” award. In fact, it’s virtually identical to the Dina Lohan thing. Incidentally, where's K-Fed's rat head brother? Haven't heard from him in a long time. Maybe he's in prison. Sure, that'll do.

Anyway, K-Fed needs to keep up this silence so he can cash in. Paradoxically, his actual talent level is so abysmal, that if he actually takes up these work offers he has been granted for not doing anything he’ll render himself unemployable. Isn’t that funny? Isn’t it funny how things work? [source]

The Times in the UK is reporting that Madonna has engaged the services of Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who handled Sir Paul McCartney’s divorce from Old Peg Leg. Of course, nothing is confirmed regarding Madonna’s divorce because she’s going to remain in control until it suits her but the one thing they’re speculating about is whether or not she had a pre-nup.

Even if we don’t have any idea for sure and have not confirmation from Madonna, who on earth would think that she wouldn’t have had an iron clad pre-nup set up? Madonna’s main skill is outsourcing talent and controlling it. I mean, that’s all she really does. The woman keeps her personality under wraps like it’s locked in a safe, why would her money be any different.

Totally ridiculous.

The only thing that could fuck Madonna is if she actually takes religion seriously. That could have meant she made herself unnaturally subservient to her husband and that could screw her. I don’t believe she would do that though. She’s her own God.

Poor Guy Ritchie. He’s going to end up …well, actually maybe he’ll get his balls back and actually do something that isn’t completely pointless. [source]

Well, look at that. Lohan’s got an album coming out in November and it’s got tracks produced by Pharrell Williams, Akon, StarGate and Bloodshy & Avant. Now listen, I’m no expert on music the kids like these days and frankly, I probably can’t even pronounce those names properly let alone know what the hell they do but it seems to me that we might have another Britney Spears type album on our hands.

Like Britney, Lohan could feasibly just turn up and burp into a microphone and the entirely clear headed, viciously ambitious and technically adept producers can filter out all that insanity and residual childhood horror and they might come out with a quality album.

The thing is, Lohan will have to figure out if she’s going for reincarnated pop star OR if she’s going for complex, haunted young pop star. See, Britney was totally in the complex, haunted pop star stage when she was dealing with her album promotion including that staggering, languid porpoise show at the VMAs. Not a lot of artists could top that level of crapulence so Lohan had better up the ante and start hammering down a shit load of booze and fried chicken OR she’d better be tight and clean.

Sadly, I can’t see her doing either right now. She isn’t drinking or taking drugs so “messy” is out of the question and she isn’t completely on top of anything so “tight and clean” is less likely.

People are probably waiting for a coherent, musical commentary on everything that has happened with Lohan since she screamed in the delicate, subtle and understated music video for “Confessions of a Broken Heart”. It’s hard to really see what she’s trying to say in this music video. See if you can figure it out. I’m stumped. I’m thinking it’s about World War 2 or dinosaurs but look, from the little we know about her life it could be anything really.

[source]

Minutes after Tori Spelling gave birth to her little daughter, Stella Doreen she’s slap bang on the front cover of OK! Magazine. Ok, well, not minutes, about 14 days. The kid is fourteen days old and she’s already in a magazine. I guess it’s understandable because as the kid gets older and as she’s snapped by the paparazzi she becomes less valuable and as the price for pics of the kid goes down the more Tori and Dean will actually have to do something for money to support their surgery and shopping habits.

I kid, Tori’s great. I’m not happy about her surgery and boring reality show career choices but NOTORIOUS was a great show – sincerely self deprecating and funny. She’s not as bad as they’re making her out to be.

So, who knows how much she got for the pics but that’s less interesting to me at this point than the pic of their other little son, Liam who is in the spread as well. The pic above is genius. He’s just so completely left out and is bored.

She’s out there flogging her kid, LA style and he’s trying to find out when he can get the hell out.

He’s great. “Um, listen…I realize this is a family requirement but can someone please give me an idea of how long this is going to take? I’ve got lego houses to build and I’m scheduled to run around in circles in the backyard with a big stick at 2. I just don’t want to miss anything….Anyone? ANYONE?”

But Tori never answers. She just sits and smiles. Relentlessly. Thinking about that check. Liam is going to be fascinating when he grows up. Hopefully less fat and douchey than his pointless uncle too. [source]

Ok so basically, I’m pretty sure that the New York Post runs stories about sports mega stars making children cry when they have nothing else better to do. I mean, admittedly, it is kind of a good story format because you get all the elements you need for a rousing dinner party anecdote but really it’s just the same story as David Beckham not seeing some kid whose mother bought charity item tickets to a Beckham game which included meeting him afterwards earlier this week.

Here are the details for this charmer:

Michael Jordan was leaving the Kobe Club in Miami, which, and I’m taking a wild guess here but I think you’ll agree with me, is a more than likely a club that serves only slabs of Kobe beef on platters dripping with blood for exorbitant prices to vampires and celebrities. There are very few poor vampires as we know, so, the price can be sky high and as a result the club can be exclusively for the rich, famous and violently bloodthirsty. Sadly, you can’t get real kobe beef in the US because it’s the Champagne of Japan and can only be bought in Japan. You can get a virtually identical product but it’s not kobe beef and as a result the club is built on lies.

Anyway, so back to the central point. Some kid was standing outside waiting for Michael Jordan and he begged Michael Jordan for an autograph but Michael Jordan ignored him and drove off. The kid was even wearing Michael Jordan shoes. The 250 dollar sneakers.

The Post’s item wasn’t too long but I would bet that that kid was in a Hessian sack and Michael Jordan shoes and that he was an abuse victim orphan who could barely breathe due to juvenile emphysema brought on by his white slave trade involved smoker parents who died in a car crash after putting him in the back seat of a car without strapping him in and driving off drunk and while driving at full speed screaming abuse at him as he tried gently to show them a picture of a freaking cat and a house that he’d drawn. The house had a swirly line to represent smoke coming out of the chimney. He survived because he was thrown out the front window and the mountains of fat that leaked out of his mother’s severed gut cushioned his fall onto the road. The mother existed on a diet of frosting, Jack Daniels, cigarettes, and tissue paper when she randomly felt like she should diet so that’s why she was so fat. He begged and pleaded with passers by for money to buy food, went hungry and found a Hessian sack to wear when his clothes wore out, bought the sneakers with his food money and walked 20 miles to the Kobe Club in the hopes of finding Jordan.

Then, the rich and powerful, narcissistic Michael Jordan walked out in front of the Kobe Club after nibbling a little at a 6000 dollar steak before throwing it away and laughing at the indulgence of it all, called for 3 18 year old hookers to be placed in his limo, as he made his way to the door and barged past the small, selfless abuse victim boy. The boy cried a single tear for it was all the energy he had left.

He dropped his camera and fell to his knees. His soul had cracked.

Yeah, that’s what really happened. The moral the Post wants you to remember is that really highly paid sports stars hate and probably eat children. They also feed off the sadness of children so…aren’t you glad you found that out? [source]

Anderson Cooper was interviewing a panel that included Rev. Al Sharpton last night on CNN and he danced delicately about the topic of his apparent pending damnation to Hell. Sharpton said:

"I may have some very conservative personal feelings but I feel you have the right to live your life differently. I may think that what you do Anderson is gonna put you in Hell, but I'm gonna defend your right to get there."

Anderson laughed it off like a cocky political science major and said: "I appreciate all your concerns about my afterlife. I'm personally not all that concerned, but that's a whole other discussion."

Of course we all know that Anderson Cooper is going to Hell for being a homo so there’s no real need for argument there…

Al Sharpton seems to have lost a little weight since he was tap dancing for votes on Saturday Night Live last federal election. He’s lost a little weight and his hair is less shiny. The more he speaks the more obvious it becomes that he’s often a blowhard politico rather than a Reverend. I’ve never heard a Reverend deem themselves irrelevant by saying that he doesn’t care if someone chooses to go to Hell so quickly as Sharpton did.

God, religion is absurd. Someone was wearing a t shirt at the gym last night that read “God is Great” and I just thought, “What an inane thing to wear”. I mean, everything else about that guy’s life is grunt level dealing with the chaos of daily life and reality and all of a sudden he wears a t shirt that says as absurd and abstract as “God is Great”. God being God. Like, you know…God. On a t shirt.

Ok whatever. So, the point was Anderson Cooper giggled off another probable reference to him being a butt pirate and consequently, I will take a wild guess that the girls over a gawker are all a twitter. Oh look, I was right.

Here I was thinking that the reality show, “The Two Coreys” had been cancelled and all of a sudden season 2 is about to launch. This is really great show. As I’ve discussed, there’s literally no reason to miss an episode. Ever.

But anyway, what a launch it is too. Apparently they’re not so friendly anymore and in a leaked bit of video footage, Corey Haim accuses Corey Feldman of not being a good friend because:

"You let me get f*****d around in my life. Raped, so to speak, when I was 14 and a half, by a guy you still hang out with."

Wow, talk about coming out guns ablazin’. There was speculation that the rapist was Michael Jackson but then, Haim made the explicit statement that it wasn't so that's that.

After the conversation that included the above line, they decided not to be friends anymore which of course makes for a great second act to their show…

Corey Haim was quoted in GQ as saying:

It's something that will be addressed in my inner soul for the rest of my life, and it's something that truly affects me, and I opened up a can of worms, so to speak. Every day I opened up, like, a can of sardines. It's something I've addressed. Psychiatrists can be helpful. They have the medications and blah-blah-blah. But I don't want any of that, man. I've dealt with this, and I'm dealing with this—second by second, minute by minute, day by day. Everything's cool. It's just like, It happened, it's over, and move on. Let's move on to the next subject."

The next subject, of course, being the next season of their TV show! Please watch it! It’s all they have!

Wait, was that callous?

[source]

Page Six reports that Naomi Campbell was meant to walk in the Rosa Cha swimsuit show in Sao Paolo last weekend but due to the “legal unpleasantness” she is currently embroiled in, she was unable to get there in time. In case you don’t already know, she’s been sentenced to several hundred hours community service and a fine of about 5000 pounds. It’s not exactly 5000, it’s something like 4895. Just to make it a little annoying. Yes, that’s the only reason why.

SO – seeing as Campbell couldn’t make it they got Brazillian male supermodel, Rodrigo Rothen to go out on the catwalk and then later in the show he stripped naked and showered on stage. This is Rodrigo Rothen:

The Post reports that and then the write: “much to the horror of the aghast socialites in the audience.”

I’m sorry, what? An aging, mean spirited, gorgon model is swapped out for a stunning young male model who showers naked on stage and people are aghast and horrified? Lies. Utter lies.

Firstly, what are they, dead on the inside? If this happened in New York then maybe I’d buy it but even then, I’m not sure. What South American socialite would be horrified and aghast at the sight of a nude male model body? What SANE person would be? I mean, religious folk, insecure straight men and humourless lesbians would be but who cares about them?

God, this is ridiculous. This story is all about cultural success. Naomi Campbell is trapped in a suburban court in England and can’t leave. A Brazilian male model goes naked on stage. I just honestly can’t come up with anything else to say. If you don’t get it by now there’s something inherently wrong with you.

[source]

Even though she designed the gown Carrie wore to her non-wedding in the Sex and the City Movie, Vivienne Westwood has come out and said that she found the movie’s fashion styling quite uninspiring and dull. Wait, I shouldn’t paraphrase the woman who styled the punk movement. She’s the only designer who, when she speaks, I don’t go into a coma so I’ll let her pearls of spiked wisdom speak for themselves.

"I thought 'Sex and the City' was supposed to be about cutting-edge fashion and there was nothing remotely memorable or interesting about what I saw.
"I went to the premiere and left after 10 minutes."

I actually had the same inclination when I saw Sex and the City but we didn't leave because it was actually fun to yell "You're NOT HER!" at all the suburban slabs of tuna who paraded in to the cinema at midnight on a Thursday with their ridiculously over styled hair, short dresses and stiletto heels. When I say tuna I mean women AND gay men. Let's not pretend it was just the women.

But you know, sure Vivienne Westwood looks just like the Emperor from the Empire Strikes Back or some strange uber-dalek from Dr Who with the minor addition of the yellow hair, white face and oddly dark lipstick but I really do agree with her. I would even go so far as to suggest that she speaks, as she has historically been wont to do, for an entire generation of people.

The movie was shockingly sub-standard – except for that one nude scene involving that guy who showered outside and Cynthia Nixon in general. Wait – I’ve been through this before, twice.

To be fair, I wouldn’t know if the fashion was cutting edge or not because I gave up trying to understand fashion years ago. It’s the most ridiculously inane form of expression despite the fact that decorating the human body makes so much sense if you want to say something about yourself to other people through symbols. Most of the reason I don’t like to hang out with fashion people is that they’re predictably shallow and think that by reveling in their shallowness they make themselves look powerful, they’re usually exhaustively self absorbed and usually they do that thing where you talk to them and they’re looking around the room incessantly so they can see if there’s anyone more important to talk to. God, it’s insufferable. And they’re usually not that articulate or intelligent anyway. Most of what they have to say is mindless, fad driven fluff because when you get down to it, they’re surface dwelling show ponies.

I think Vivienne Westwood has a bit going on though.

I’ll leave the fashion comments to Vivienne Westwood. When I saw her in Vienna last year she really is just like Elaine Stritch in that she’s old enough to say what she thinks with brutal honesty and not sugar coat it. I enjoy that in an old broad. Hell, I just enjoy the old broads.

Here’s Vivienne Westwood at Sao Paolo Fashion Week this year

[source]

I KNEW Cynthia Nixon wouldn’t get freaked out and have breast implants installed. I KNEW IT! She didn’t, by the way. The Daily News is reporting that actually she was at the hospital to have her three monthly check-up after she beat breast cancer. Here’s what she said:

"I was at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital for my 'three-monthly' checkup," said Nixon, a breast-cancer survivor. "I was in the Oncology Department. I guess they think that means 'plastic surgery.'"

"We got a call from [the Post] asking if I'd had breast augmentation, and my publicist laughed at them and said, 'No, of course not.' But they printed it anyway. If I was going to get a boob job, wouldn't it make sense that I'd get it before 'Sex and the City'?"

And, of course, there’s no mention of this response in the Post because that would mean they look ridiculous. Which they did then and do now. I always knew that she wouldn’t have had breast implants. I genuinely think that if you have enough talent to fall back on you don’t go in for a whole lot of surge. Meryl Streep said she realized that if she was going to be a great actress she would have to give up any remnant of vanity or she’d be blocking herself.

With a girlfriend like hers, it really seems like Cynthia Nixon has, in fact, given up a lot of vanity. FAR more vanity than would be required to make the decision to get silicone shoveled into her chest. Good old glamorous Cynthia Nixon. What a trooper. I loved her in Amadeus in case I hadn’t mentioned that. She was engaging and it was a heartfelt performance.

I was watching her on Graham Norton the other day and while she was nowhere near as funny as the other guy he was interviewing, she held her ground and she talked about how they filmed Amadeus in Prague.

I loved Mozart for years after seeing that film. I liked his music but it was mainly the idea of how he was a child prodigy. Then I grew up a bit and got sick of the repetitive nature of his music. It’s charming but often a bit backgroundy. I’m actually really living for Ladytron today. I’m sure there’s a linear narrative between Mozart and Ladytron.

In short, Cynthia Nixon didn’t get breast implants and I always knew. [source]

The Post is reporting that 9 year old Conor Kelly was supposed to meet David Beckham for his birthday because his mother bid 7000 dollars on a prize package that included 2 return flights to Los Angeles, 2 nights stay in a hotel, VIP tickets to a soccer match Beckham was playing in and the chance to meet him after the game. At the last minute, Beckham’s people deemed the meeting a security risk and the kid never got to meet Beckham.

Here’s the thing New York Post: you can’t ever really beat David Beckham down because he’s the angelic part of a pop cultural dichotomy. He’s the angelic part and Posh is the talentless, evil part. They can’t live apart and yet embody the exact and purest opposite cultural properties. Isn’t that interesting? That’s why the only bad stories about Beckham involve how he manages to miss out on children who come to see him after matches or at the airport.

This isn’t the first time this has happened either. He had the same thing happen in Australia recently and after the media showed footage of the kids crying, he said in a press conference that he had no idea they were waiting and that he would be willing to meet with them anywhere and hang out. Small children seem to always be the weapon the press uses against David Beckham. Small children who are ready to cry on camera or mothers who give quality Lifetime movie worthy quotes like this one the Post ran:

"They're keeping us in the dark," said Kelly. "Conor is heartbroken. He said, 'Doesn't Beckham know it's my birthday present?' He is my son's hero."

I mean what else could they possibly muster up? David Beckham may not be a genius and he may be a totally classless chav but he's not evil and mean spirited. That's his wife.

His WIFE is the callous, mean one.

Why isn’t the Post running something on how ridiculous Posh is if they need to run a “God, the Beckhams suck” post? I mean, she is basically insufferable on every level in everything she does all you have to do is take your pick of her daily actions.

There’s the march through the house in the morning demanding things from her staff, the oil sucked from the faces of poor African teenagers in the African desert that she smears on her body to ensure an all over, delicately moisturized tan and the trim spa martinis she has poured down her several times a day. Not to mention the fact that she wears heels to make that clacking sound so her servants know to scurry away and be afraid. She feeds on the fear of others. Are we absolutely certain she’s not Satan? Pete Doherty could be her mignon. She has several but he’s the main one. [source]

Well, look at that. Just as I was writing that last post about how Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to multiple counts of assault the verdict made the press. She just got fined 2,945 pounds ($4,604) (How do they come up with these numbers?) and has to do 200 hours of community service. No jail time for Campbell and so, consequently, no potential for a career in bondage and high end stripping for her either.

How disappointing. For her. Not me. I find this story to make me feel lethargic. [source]

The Sun is reporting that Naomi Campbell is actually pleading guilty to kicking and spitting at police officers on board a British Airways flight earlier this year after it had been revealed that her luggage had been delayed.

She was in court today as her trial began and she could face 6 months prison and or 5000 pound fines for each offense. I find it interesting that she’s actually pleading guilty. If she spends time in jail she could really end up with a completely new marketability and that could be a good thing too because at 38 her career as a model may be waning.

With a little jail time under her belt and a reputation for being a complete gorgon, she could go into burlesque and do some dominatrix work on the side. Girlfriend could clean up that way.

The truth is, I just don’t get why she’s so great. She’s a viciously mean, spoilt clothes horse. I figure she’ll either get let off because the jury will be so amazed by her celebrity but that’s unlikely because she’s in an English court and suburban English people will probably delight in her downfall because that’s what happens in Commonwealth countries – there’s a strong undercurrent of delight in the falling of others. OR, she’ll get jail time and it’ll be a little like the Paris Hilton trial except less hype because god, who cares. Not me.

Give her the chair. [source]

Angelina Jolie’s new film Wanted where she plays an assassin is getting rave reviews and it’s not surprising. Angelina Jolie is the Elizabeth Taylor of this generation. She is the embodiment of everything superhuman. When she plays hyper violent roles like the assassin she play in Wanted, it completes her image as the perfect contemporary straight man’s fantasy.

She’s physically perfect, in real life she never diverts from old school essentially conservative glamour which makes her unthreatening to straight men, she married a man who is more or less as unreal in terms of human attributes as she is so even being married didn’t take her away from being a sex object and then when she acts, the films that do the best are the ones that have her killing people with stoic skill. I mean, Mr and Mrs Smith was basically just a way of presenting the erotic energy between Jolie and Brad Pitt and wrapping some violence around it. Straight men love that kind of thing. Lara Croft was the same basic thing. She’s hot, female and physically capable. It’s entirely the average straight male fantasy. They don’t want a human, they want a doll who likes violent movies.

Where Jolie doesn’t win, is when she plays thinking roles and activists. That’s simply not sexy for straight men. It’s weird to me that she’s not more of a gay icon. I think she lacks tragedy. There’s something dark about how stoic she I think but it’s not enough to woo queens who love a tragic diva. She is too perfect. Gay men would faun over her but she’s not really human and she doesn’t need a decorator for her body or her house so when it comes to Angelina Jolie, gay men are out of a job. Giver her a semi automatic weapon and a sleeveless top and a series of violent enemies though and she’s at her most marketable. [source]

Page six is reporting that Tinsley Mortimer is completely pointless and now it’s been proven. They shot a reality show about her life but, according to another illusive insider said:

“She looked good but she just got dressed and went to parties every day and didn't have anything interesting to say. It was incredibly boring. The project is dead."

Of course, if MTV had listened to me over a god damned year ago they would have realized that and not bothered invested the money or time in Manhattan’s uptight small time answer to Paris Hilton. Let’s try this again: Tinsley Mortimer is a pointless, innocuous, self absorbed, money and status obsessed sycophant. I interviewed her after a few glasses of wine in Vienna last year and she is a conservative republican who relies on liberal gays for her social life and status but would vote against them in a heartbeat to save her husband’s fortune. Plus, she’s a tight ass, spoilt, talentless idiot.

The thing about her is that if she was unhinged and filthy like, say, Courtney Love is then she might be mildly more plausible but she simply isn’t. She’s not more plausible. She is implausible. Implausible. MTV figured it out, why can’t everyone else? I knew it ages ago. MTV should hire me to judge their potential reality TV characters. I am really good at that. I would save them money and time. I’m an efficient time and money saver – a lot of people think so. Sadly, MTV chose to ignore me and now they are paying the price.

If some good came out of this though, it’s that Tinsley Mortimer is one step closer to being unmarketable. [source]

Page Six is reporting that Cynthia Nixon just got breast implants. They report it and don’t cite a source at all and then include the fact that Nixon’s rep denies it – which they always do but what exactly is this based on then? Page Six is saying that she was possibly unhappy with the nude scene she did in the film. I wouldn’t be as concerned with the nude scene as much as I would be concerned about the film in general. It really was a completely dreadful film.

It surprises me that Cynthia Nixon would get surge though. People like her don't get surgery as much. They just fall back on their talent. She’s more or less the only one of the four from Sex and the City who is an actual actress. She’s a really good actress with actual talent. I’m just not sure I buy this. I’m also not sure I care that much. There’s something about Cynthia Nixon that impresses me though.

Yeah, that’s about there is to this post. Cynthia Nixon, breasts implants, talent. She was great in Amadeus. I didn’t realize Christine Ebersole was also in that until the other day. Oh, Jesus, I just need to stop. [source]

People Magazine have named Mario Lopez the Hottest Bachelor of 2008 and that’s got to be a boost for him after he was passed over quite aggressively for the 2(x)ist underwear campaign last week because there was a hotter and cuter guy in the cast of A Chorus Line named Nick Adams. In fact, because of that, wouldn’t that mean that Nick Adams is the Hottest Bachelor by default? That’s what the math suggests to me…

Well, truthfully no it wouldn’t because, in my experience working with editorial departments, these things are a package deal. It’s the whole package you have to consider. Not just a hotness contest. Mario has been passing himself off as an actor for years and maintaining himself through the use of his body. He’s like Matthew McConaughey. Everything is built on an empire of meat. Perhaps this is really just an homage to that momentus whore effort. Here you go Mario, here’s a bone – catch!

Mario really seems to be emerging as more of a desperate Joan Crawford esque douche by the day now. He parades around milking everything for all he can get – primarily by showing off his body as much as he can, but then when there’s no one around he gets nervous and jittery. I bet that’s why he goes to the gym. Because he’s a nutcase who stares at himself while he works his biceps saying things like, “the burn means you’re closer to love.” Things like that.

I bet he’s turned tricks before. Elderly showbiz men. He cried afterwards but then realized that crying caused lines so he forced himself to stop. Tears aren’t marketable. [source]

The National Enquirer is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears has given birth to her kid. She’s now an unwed mother. I wonder how the family hold their heads up at church. According to the Enquirer, the little girl weighed 6 pounds, 10 ounces and was born at 8:30am this morning.

They apparently want to name her Caillyn or Cassie which is a combination of her and her boyfriend Casey Aldridge’s names. That’s what people apparently do in the south. They just combine the parents’ names and end up with the kid’s name. The thing that’s really bugging me about this is that the Spears family have far too many Lynns. Plus, they don’t say “Lynn” either, they put in some extra syllables and they say “Leeeeyun” because that’s how southern folk talk.

Jamie Lynn and Casey Aldridge look like the kinds of kids who would have been the popular alpha kids at high school. She would have been the drama showpony and he would have been a football quarterback. They’d go to tailgating parties together and make out because he’d get a little aggressive after drinking half a keg. She’d give in because she didn’t want to make a scene. Then, they’d laugh at the skinny, socially awkward geeks who wore head gear and in a few years they’d both be fat and resentful because an adolescence of entitlement led them to a young adulthood of morbid obesity and unemployment. Sadly, they seem to have subverted that trajectory by having this child.

Or have they….

[source]

The blog ‘In Case You Didn’t Know” is reporting that uber-emo Pete Wentz will be appearing in “Californication” with David Duchovny. They write:

“Duchovny’s character, the troubled writer Hank, will see Pete at a pool party hanging out with the show’s resident teen, Mia. Pete will tell Hank how much he enjoyed his book.”

If that’s it, why watch the freaking show? They gave us all we needed to know. I never got into that show anyway – there are too many other quality shows to commit to and I’m already so damn tired.

Well, hang on. If Pete is sitting by a pool then it seems like the potential for him to be shirtless (and maybe even pantless) is higher than if he, say, did a guest spot on Seventh Heaven. Oh, actually probably not. Wait, is Seventh Heaven around? If ever there was a show that embodied the hypocrisy of American culture it’s Seventh Heaven. So, Pete could be by a pool and shirtless and that’s fine by me.

But the thing about this is, when it comes to actors singing it’s rarely a good idea and the fact that they often do that is a sign of crippling unbridled ego and an army of enabling yes-men. When it’s the other way round it’s not AS bad. Bon Jovi wasn’t so bad in Sex and the City and also – even though she’s not a singer, Mary Kate Olsen wasn’t bad in Weeds. Actually she was pretty good.

If Pete can push down the inner douche and get his flat ironed hair to stay put then he might just be ok. I would love to see him doing exaggerated actions to every word he says. The director kept trying to tone Pete’s ridiculous acting down but Pete only heard what he wanted to hear which was, “You’re a totally amazing actor and everything you shit is art…keep going”. Sort of like Chris Martin. I'm pretty sure that at some point Chris Martin has tried to feed his own shit to his and Gwyneth's child but the maid stopped him. She beat him away with a chair leg and he quickly scurried away to another room. He really thought that was the way to pass on his genius to Apple. That maid was a trooper but she was probably fired.

So, just to recap, Pete Wentz might be shirtless on an episode of Californication. Naked even. No, that’s just going too far. [source]