Following on from Sarah Silverman’s astoundingly gutsy one-liners at Paris Hilton’s expense on the MTV Awards last night:



in front of the PR strategy confident Paris Hilton herself who obviously is putting up a brave face, she has finally entered jail.

You really can't go past the delightful chronic unease registering on Paris’ face while the full 13 second applause is played out at the mention that she’s going to jail. Go ahead, play it back if you want to. It's ok.

You just know she’s saying to herself, “They’re just jealous cause I’m so fabulous…” – actually, maybe she’s not really thinking at all, there’s a distinct possibility of that.

Regardless, the metamorphic zeitgeist has ACTUALLY entered jail (and TMZ were graciously there to film every step of the way so they could break it up into 4-5 separate posts this morning).

Her journey towards mega celebu-beast has officially begun.

Finally.

The only question that remains unanswered, still, is "Who will distract us from the Iraq War now that Paris AND Lohan are hidden from public view?" The only likely answer is frosting. From the can. At every waking moment. The only thing left to do is say "Hello super obesity epidemic."

I said "super".

[source]

Week #22 in Review

Sort of like last week, this week includes blogging from Tuesday to Friday because I was in Vienna over the weekend.

It was generally agreed that Lindsay Lohan hit rock bottom this week after photos of her passed out in the front seat of a car were published on the front page of the New York Post. Michael Lohan, LiLo’s ex-con father was reaching out in the press to her saying that she needed a faith based initiative to help get her back on track – right at the same time that it was also announced that he has plans to open a faith based rehabilitation center on Long Island, apparently with the help of newly born again Christian, Stephen Baldwin who was thrown off a bull on television.

Of primary concern to camp Li Lo, however, was the loss of sponsorship money from Svedka vodka for LiLo’s pending 21st birthday due to the pictures of her in the car. Apparently, Svedka’s association with Lindsay Lohan at this point would be distasteful. With an album to promote, Marilyn Manson got on the Li Lo bandwagon and went public with information that Lindsay Lohan was obsessed with changing clothes in front of him but that they never had sex.

Paris Hilton hired a stylist to make sure she looks as glamorous as possible as she walks into jail on Monday and additionally, she will be keeping a diary which will probably sell upon her release for around a million dollars. These two things suggested that Paris Hilton has prepared herself about as much as can be expected for someone about to go to jail as she seems to be back to her old self – someone who compartmentalizes and sells off her own cultural artifacts for top dollar.

John Travolta came under fire for again refusing to admit that his son Jett is autistic and Britney Spears was found in the men’s bathroom of an LA Hotel uncontrollably vomiting all over herself with her make up smeared and her hair gone awry. She suggested it wasn’t a good time for her at the moment.

A piece of melon that was still intact despite being 2100 years old was found in Western Japan, 72 year old Katsusuke Yanagisawa became the oldest man in the world to have climbed Mount Everest and the first “museum of Creationism” opened up in Canada marking a dark moment in the history of rational thought.

A bride in Malaysia perked up and saw it as a sign of good luck when she saw the word Allah spelled out for her in the spilled entrails of a cow on her wedding day, an 80kg gold plated bathtub was stolen from a hotel in Japan and a collection of English cheese enthusiasts competed in a competition in Gloucester which involved throwing balls of cheese down a hill and then rolling down after them.

China launched a campaign to have the Great Wall listed as one of the Seven Wonders of the World, a driver in Germany mistook a subway entryway for a parking lot and drove down it, getting stuck and Microsoft announced it had invented a type of technology responsive to human touch in much the same way as was featured in the film Minority Report which they had installed into a coffee table.

The Chinese government removed a wide range of toy guns from the Shanghai Wal-Mart stating that they looked too realistic, a school in South Korea was in trouble for cheating during a band competition when it was discovered that teachers had dressed in school uniform in order to play instruments in the band and the Spanish town of Reus elected a mayor whose policies included making the town square into a nude swimming pool and painting the town hall pink.

On advice from a witch doctor, a couple in India announced plans to exhume their dead son in order to revive him while elsewhere in India two lawyers tied a 22 year old man to a tree and beat him after he refused to marry one of their relatives and in London Damien Hirst took the veil off his latest sculpture, a platinum cast of a human skull entirely covered in diamonds.

And finally, in Bosnia, a famer decided to sue the local government after his cow walked into a massed grave, it started to rain and the cow drowned.

“We think the cow might have been already dead and he thought he could earn some money off it,” said Bosnian prosecutor Mirsad Bilajac.

Is there a component of John Travolta’s life that isn’t entirely saturated in soul crippling denial? Apart from the day in and day out drudgery that is speculation over his sexuality, he’s reported here as refusing outright to adequately treat his autistic son, Jett, or even to actually admit that the kid has autism.

What a bang up job of parenting that is. And, while we’re at it, what a fabulously rational and worthwhile religion Scientology is too. Just as it is the case with any religion, the cult of Scientology teaches that you can overcome mental illness and anything really, by simply meditating on and working harder at integrating the religious teachings into your life. That way, if you don’t get past your issues, it’s not the fault of the divinely ordained word, it’s your own fault.

And when you consider that Scientology is sort of the formalized religious mystification of Hollywood’s outrageously unchecked narcissistic, power hungry social and professional culture then what it boils down to here is John Travolta would rather keep his professional cred in check than make sure his kid can live a healthy life.

Kick ASS! John Travolta rules! [source]

Today In Extraordinarily Odd - Super edition




Damien Hirst continues his Paris Hilton esque tantrum within the art world with the unveiling of his latest piece, a life sized cast of a human skull made entirely of platinum and then encrusted with 8601 diamonds. It’s said to be worth a hundred million US dollars. This is, admittedly, so much more interesting than his tired, intern completed paintings of medication from two years ago. [source]



Excavators in Japan have found a slab of melon which is not only apparently 2100 years old, it’s also not rotten or putrid, which of course, would have been a nice treat. Especially seeing as it was probably a hot day out there in Western Japan and the kids who volunteer on the dig had been working really hard but the budget didn’t allow for a tropical themed cocktail party. With the discovery of this 2100 year old melon, everyone could party it up and still be learning. [source]




On advice from a witchdoctor in a small town in India, a family has exhumed the body of their dead son in the hopes that he can be revived. I’m just reading Christopher Hitchens new book “God Is Not Great. How Religion Poisons Everything” and as a result I would put money on the fact that that freaked out insane fuck of a witchdoctor is a necrophiliac pederast. Or something equally deranged. Still, how exactly are they doing this? With some moisturizer and a couple of car jumper leads attached to a celebrity and a combi van with the engine running? This is a reality show waiting to happen. It’s a 7 part series leading up to the final moment when the dead kid is either enlivened or remains dead. Which will it be? Tune in to find out! Then vote Republican! Wow, that’s enough. [source]



Further evidence of staggering genius that can only be the result of inane religious morality erupts out of India with news that a couple of lawyers tied a man to a tree and beat him mercilessly simply because he refused to marry one of their relatives. What is clear, if nothing else, is that she was probably morbidly obese and had fucked up teeth and so the lawyers had been trying to sell her for years and were at their wits end. Similarly, the 22 year old reluctant husband was simply protecting himself from a lifetime of bedtime horror. There are no winners and losers here. Only freaked out idiots who have lost touch with the rational parts of their brains. [source]



After his cow drowned in a massed grave in Bosnia, a farmer has decided to sue because the government has failed to fill in that massed grave since it was dug out in 1995. Look, there’s a lot of failure going on here. Firstly, what was the cow doing NEAR a massed grave? The farmer failed to pay attention to where his cow was wandering. Why was there a massed grave in the first place? Governmental failure to provide adequate singular graves. Why did the people die in the first place? Hateful religious based intolerance and murder. We think the cow might have been already dead and he thought he could earn some money off it," prosecutor Mirsad Bilajac told Reuters. If that really is the case, then this story is just a case of mad old Eastern European farmer ranting about his cow. So, either it’s a moral saturated story or it’s a genius British comedy sketch.[source]

Paris Hilton going to jail, for Paris, has sort of been like accepting imminent death through cancer. As in, the kind that is pending but generally agreed upon. She fought, she was angry, she cried, she bought things, she fucked the pain away…presumably…she painted a couple of ceramic bears. It’s classic human process, especially the bear painting.

Now, with only a few days left before going inside, she seems to be facing it full on with the news, so graciously delivered to us by TMZ.com, that she is hiring a stylist to make her look “conviction chic” on her way into the clink. Additionally, reports include mention of a kitten being passed and some tears (we can’t be sure of whether or not they’ll be real or glycerin), her sister’s playing a supporting role…the whole thing is a major production.

Of course, as it was predicted here WEEKS ago, if Paris plays her cards right she can expect that prison will be merely an incubating cocoon for her celebrity metamorphosis into a celebu-beast even more powerful than she is now. Her plans to write a diary on the inside and the fact that the day she gets out she’s already sold her post jail appearance in St Tropez for the launch of a brand of canned Prosecco and the owners of which are no doubt paying through the nose for the attention their product will get when it’s in the hand of a freshly freed Paris.

Paris has compartmentalized it and sold it all ahead of time. That’s the old Paris we knew. They’ll need to hire a stylist for the plane to St Tropez though. 23 days in the clink with no stylist will mean some nasty nasty stubble. [source] [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

What with being so obsessed with making sure their employees have the right to assert moralistic intolerance on whoever they want by not filling prescriptions they deem to be sexually immoral AND with making sure that their employees are shafted out of basic employees rights to health care in the US, Wal Mart’s head office in the US has dropped the ball on what guns are marketed to children in China’s Wal-marts. The Chinese government has seized a wide array of toy guns from a Wal-Mart in Shanghai because they are too realistic and realistic toy guns are partially outlawed in China. Way to fail, Wal-Mart. FAILURE [source]


School teachers in a South Korean girls school were so racked with panic and fear and terror and the disapproving internal voices of their strict but long dead parents that in order to increase their chances of winning a band competition, they put on the school uniform and played in the band alongside the less proficient students. Well, at least they were considered less proficient according the standards of their stern taskmaster teachers. Who doesn’t love a grueling, staggered arrangement of a medley from Disney’s Aladdin, eternally stripped of all enjoyment and drawn out for several minutes longer than it should be. Why ruin it with aspiration or a quest for excellence. Shame on those teachers. [source]

All eyes should remain on the Spanish town of Reus where the newly elected mayor has promised to regularly dress as Elvis, paint the town hall pink and turn the town square into a nude swimming pool. What’s the bet everyone gets all offended now that they’ve elected a madman to public office. Either that or the town of Reus is more evolved than any town in the West.[source]

With an album on the way and a single out, well, look it’s time for another internally upsetting dose of the entirely predictable attention whore, Marilyn Manson. We already had the music video where he’s apparently having sex with his yelping teenaged fill in since Dita von Tees and he divorced. Then we had the carefully placed Page Six item which stated that, aside from divorcing his wife and shacking up with a younger version of her, recording an album, making a music video and any other time he left the house, Manson had been so depressed over the last year he hasn’t left the house.

So, what’s to do when you’ve got an album to promote to a demographic of 14 year olds who fancy themselves as depressed, rebellious misfits? Well, you survey the pop cultural landscape, identify the figure getting the most attention and then lay into it, thus attaching yourself to the proverbial bandwagon.

Cue Manson’s latest reactionary ego massage:



Who was shooting this and who made the final decision which suggested it was done? What the fuck is it anyway?

“Oh, yeah…I think we really got to the place we were aiming for with that Marilyn. You really hit the nail on the head with it. Good work. You’re so focused right now…wow…are you working out?”

And yes, obviously posting about this enables him, obviously. [source]

Apparently, one of the biggest concerns that has surfaced in relation to Lindsay Lohan’s seemingly endless demise due to her chronic reliance on alcohol and drugs and boundaries to cross is all the cash she is losing because of her new stint in rehab. Svedka Vodka has pulled out only now. Because at THIS point, the combination of Lindsay Lohan and vodka is distasteful, not at any point prior.

This is just like when Britney Spears raced around smashing cars with umbrellas and shaving her head. The moment she shaved her head, the investors backed away and if you scrutinize that it indicates quite clearly that, just as it is with America Ferrera’s smile and Jenna Jameson’s vagina, Britney’s power is stored and sourced from her hair.

No hair? Apparently, no deal.

In the case of Li Lo, she was able to edge closer and closer to officially turning her liver into foie gras but it was only the point where she was literally photographed, pale and dead looking in a car, completely obliterated and finally numbed to a safe distance from her internal emotional horror that Svedka started to re think it’s association.

After all, she’s done rehab plenty of times. Rehab isn’t the deciding factor and really isn’t even a legitimate past time anyway. Hell, I want to go to rehab in LA, it sounds like the most fun you could have in that soulless, death ridden, hell hole. And fuck Svedka for being so utterly sycophantic. In the absence of a party where LiLo gives out gift bags with Svedka in them, here are the two brands side by side. Just so we know to associate the two in the future – against Svedka’s wishes.

So, in short – getting drunk and smashing a car is costing Li Lo an arm and a leg. [source]

And, just as expected, Michael Lohan, the estranged Lohan father, isn’t just concerned with his daughter’s well being. His ulterior motive is slowly becoming more evident as it’s revealed that not only is he jumping on the LiLo gravy train the minute he gets out of jail by talking to the press about his Christian concern for her well being but he’s also interested in raising 15 million bucks to open a rehab center on Long Island…with the critically acclaimed Stephen Baldwin who is now a right wing Christian. Ok, wow – who knew Stephen Baldwin was still alive let alone a right wing Christian? Still, maybe he needed all the theistic support he could get when he realized he had made films with Paulie Shore.

Anyway, good on Michael Lohan for getting relevant and involved the smart way; by becoming the anti-Dina. He’s more or less embodying every single thing Dina Lohan publicly isn’t (repentant, religious, self aware, concerned) in an attempt to clip the jumper leads from his life support system onto their kid. It would really be the only way to get close to LiLo anyway. Play the repentant, ex jail bird with insight to offer. It’s almost like, when you reduce away all the bullshit, Dina and Michael Lohan are playing the parts of Satan and God when it comes to their daughter. Or, those tiny little devils and angels that appear on cartoon characters’ shoulders. Except in this case one is a conscienceless show mother and the other is a self flagellating ex-con father. Why is it that this all sounds like the premise for an hilarious sitcom? [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Microsoft has finally stepped up to the plate and filled a gaping chasm in the market that was crying out, yearning no less, for a way to insert a computer screen into lounge room living by inventing the Milan Coffee Table. The Milan is your average coffee table but it contains enough software to control the western economy, all workable from the computer screen top. So now, you can do all those things you didn’t get done at the office secretly while guests enjoy their cashews and beer and the children drink lemon flavoured soda and read old copies of National Geographic from 1974 while not speaking. [source]

A driver in Germany was casually driving their Volkswagon, the official car of the Third Reich, along the Strasse and wanted to park somewhere. Spotting a path that descended into the ground that focused and clear headed driver simply headed toward the path and drove straight down it – only then realizing that the descending path was in fact leading into the subway. Who are these people? [source]

As part of China’s PR push to seem pleasant and a “willing participant” in the “world”, China is cleaning up its act, shutting down filthy restaurants, installing expensive spittoons in cabs and hosting the Olympics and Expo. They’re now also hoping that the Great Wall will be voted into the list of “Wonders of the World”. Chinese officials are nervous that it won’t make it so they’re urging the Chinese people to support their campaign. And by urge, it’s assumed they mean “kidnapping family members in the middle of the night and cutting off food supplies until the general populace succumbs. [source]

A million dollar 18k gold bath tub that weighs 80kg (that’s 80 kg of stainless steel and gold in the shape of a bath tub) was stolen from a Japanese Hotel and the plice and hotel people have no idea who stole it. Sounds like the premise to another Oceans movie with Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and George Clooney. 100,000 people have apparently bathed in that bathtub and so consequently the movie would have to be about stealing that bath tub WITH all 100,000 people who have bathed in it, still inside. Who knows if they can do it. Guess we’d better watch to find out! [source]

Oh, what an enjoyable story to wake up to; Britney Spears had to be carried out of the men’s bathrooms of an LA Hotel Bar because she was vomiting uncontrollably over a toilet bowl, the vomit was pouring down the front of her, her make up was smeared and her (albeit fake) hair was a total birdsnest mess. The report suggests she was relentlessly vomiting all over herself; really just bringing up liter after liter of acidic bile and projecting it uncontrollably all over herself. Oh, well now that’s just lovely isn’t it? The legitimate news is always so bad and shocking but here is a lovely little break from that. It’s a story the entire family can enjoy. The report doesn’t mention the extent to which Brit Brit’s huge and shocking amount of half digested food (which she threw up all over herself in the men’s bathroom) got all over the floor though, so, we’ll wait for more information on that.

But, regardless, her smeared makeup and tattered hair mixed to a desperate look of quiet frenzied desperation all seem to point not only to her barreling toward a full on truck stop hooker aesthetic when it comes to fashion – prompted, perhaps, by a delayed homage to Anna Nicole Smith after her sort of recent death (God, it feels like a year ago with the massive lull in hourly coverage from TMZ.com).

Additionally, Britney was quoted as saying: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Things aren’t going well for me at the moment.”

They sure aren't!

And it’s only natural to assume that here she is referring to the recent concerts she sold tickets to in Florida and San Diego. The apology is a bit late but better late than never.

Also, it seems like what’s really happening here is Britney’s body is violently expelling the remnants of her old corporate self before it starts to rebuild itself and move forward to a slightly more edgy and at least vaguely human career. Hell, compared to her old corporately constructed public profile, becoming a marketing executive for a fur trade company would contain more evidence of human life. . [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



72 year old Katsusuke Yanagisawa from Japan climbed Mount Everest and in doing so he broke a world record. He started on April 8 and finished on April 22 officially set the record for being the oldest man to do so today. It takes a while to get that “official” status when you break a world record and the last person to do it owned the record because he was 70. What that means is that he should do it every year until he dies so he can keep the record. The previous record holder has got to be really taking this hard – after all – how the hell is he going to break another record now? He had all this personal life meaning tied up in that record and now, it’s all gone. It just goes to show, never invest your energy in anything because someone will always steal it. Stay inside and be safe. [source]



A bride in Malaysia peered into the spilled entrails of a cow and saw the name Allah arranged, it can only be assumed, through the random fallen placement of cow bowel and colon. Consequently, she has ascertained a bright future for herself. What remains (ha!) to be acknowledged by the woman is that the entrails, the very ones that spelt out the name Allah, were originally alive and inside that cow and yet, they didn’t do her much good, did they? [source]


Basically the gist of this story is that a bunch of English people got together over the weekend and threw cheese down a hill and then rolled down after it in an official competition. Clearly, there’s nothing that remarkable about that. After all, who DOESN’T do that kind of thing on a daily basis? Well, unless it’s American “cheese”. American cheese doesn’t really muster up enough realness to warrant throwing ones self down a hill after it. In fact, American cheese isn’t, when you get down to it, cheese…at all. What is interesting about this story is the headline: Daredevils dice with danger in bonkers British cheese chase. Now there’s some quality copy editing."There's no training you can do for this," said the battered winning tumbler; 25-year-old Jason Crowther, proudly clutching the seven-to-eight pound (3-3.5 kilogramme) cheese. [source]


It really was only a matter of time before the stupidity seeped across the border into Canada. They were holding out for so long but the membrane-like border has been pierced and Alberta is only a few days away from opening up its first Museum of Creationism. For those at home who don’t know what that is, firstly, congratulations and secondly, it’s a building that is designed to look like a museum that explains the idea that God created the world in seven days just over 3000 years ago and it does that by mimicking the nomenclature and institutional structure of science. If you do that, it means it’s rational and reasonable. Little cards with information on them and model displays equals true. But, why should I write more here when the good people at the museum themselves have presented a little film that explains how reasonable and on the money they really are. Enjoy:

[source]

At a certain point news stories anchored in the earth shatteringly new angle that Lindsay Lohan has been acting like a total and utter fuckwit for attention isn’t news anymore. For a while you can look at her situation, examine what she symbolically represents to American culture and global pop culture, figure out why she’s popular, marvel at how entertainingly fucked up her useless white trash family is, be appalled at her enabling freeloader mother and enjoy the train wreck spectacle for what it is; just another train wreck. After a while, however, it's really just more of the same.

So, LiLo’s been charged with DUI and she had coke in her car. Ok, so there you go. It’s not surprising, it’s not even new but now it’s happened. So, just like Paris going to jail, Li Lo – our sometimes muse – is in actual trouble so she has put herself back in rehab, will probably go through a public stint with a lawyer, conjure up the old Fraulein Maria defense routine where she dresses like a pretty little nun, reads and doesn’t go out, the teenaged girls in the Midwest who idolize her with cry, distraught without irony they will clamor that this is SO UNFAIR and the carefully positioned friends of Li Lo will talk to the press about how she’s taking rehab seriously this time blah blah blah.

And the other thing is, maybe the parents are tag teaming. Dina has had her go riding the kid to free entry and free drinks and now Michael is taking the reins for a while because he’s got the whole born again angle which could help her personality overhaul in the media. Plus, the great character twist with Michael is that he’s a convicted felon so no matter he does with Li Lo now there’s always that underlying potential for self destruction that could happen at any moment which is reassuring. Plus, you know he has an axe to grind being in jail and watching his kid get rich and not being able to take advantage. It’s actually sort of like the Count of Monte Christo but in Hollywood and with white trash freeloaders.

The fact that we’re still talking about her doing the same thing is the story here but even that story is pretty tired. Why is America so obsessed with rich people behaving badly. In this instance: Oh, GOD, who cares? If you haven’t figured that out by now then JESUS, what have you been DOING? The real question that remains, which apparently no one else cares enough to ask is…who is left for us? We’ve got Avril Lavigne (sigh), P!nk (seems to be outgrowing it at the moment), The Duff sisters…ok, so there’s something interesting. The Duff sisters still lack irony and are playing it slick, clean and saccharine.

Alright, one more teenaged diva crash and that’s got to be it. All eyes on the Duff sisters until they fall off the cliff. After that, it’s back to our REAL lives. And this time, I mean it.

Week #21 in Review

ps. This week's review is a bit shorter than usual as I was in Vienna, Austria from Thursday the 24th to Sunday the 27th covering the Life Ball for DNA Magazine. As a result, the information below does not include information from Friday 25th of May. Reluctant Whore is back on track starting Tuesday, May 29.

Britney Spears continued her assault on culture and the United States in general by continuing to appear in public and charge fans money to see her perform. Appearing at several events in Florida at a mercifully reduced ticket price of 35 dollars, many Floridian audience members were astounded and thrilled by how great they felt she was on stage for each of her 15 minute sets, one of which included a major sound system malfunction which left her having to face the back wall. Madonna’s brother, Christopher Ciccone, who was at Britney’s Miami concert, was quoted as saying, however, that his sister would never be seen on stage “looking like that”.

Rosie O’Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck got into one of the biggest and most aggressive verbal arguments that have occurred on The View between them since Rosie began on the show in September of 2006. The fight prompted news media across the US to call in the talking heads to discuss the cultural implications of the fight. The tragic last moments of Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez that were caught on film were posted online and, weeks after it was predicted on Reluctant Whore, the New York Post published a rumour that Candy Spelling may be getting her own advice column. The Post announced this after Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis wrote a public letter back to Candy Spelling via TMZ.com putting her in her place after she offered him some somewhat harsh yet unsolicited advice about how to personally handle his current legal woes. This was the third letter she has written to a celebrity with her perspective, the first two being to Larry Birkhead, then to Paris Hilton.

American Idol reject and temporary American zeitgeist Sanjaya Malakar made a film in which he claimed to be a 25 year old Industrial Design student from the Rhode Island School of Design named Bill Vellner who had invented the character of Sanjaya as a component of his school work. It was later revealed to be a hoax produced by Will Ferrell’s website, www.funnyordie.com .

With her jail time drawing ever closer, Paris Hilton attempted to clean up her party girl image by being photographed dressed more or less like a nun, carrying a copy of the Bible and a book called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and Anna Nicole Smith’s half sister, Donna Hogan was interviewed in relation to her book about Anna entitled, Train Wreck, during which she suggested that she too wants to pose for Playboy and she is planning on getting breast implants to do so.

With Britney Spears in the midst of actual emotional turmoil, the heavily constructed anti-establishment persona that is Avril Lavigne was feeling out shone in the edgy pop tartlet stakes and so she picked a public fight with Hillary and Haley Duff as they’re more or less the same type of product as Britney but they’re still keeping it professionally perky.

409 people were reported to have clicked on an online ad that promised to provide them with free computer viruses, an Indonesian fisherman caught a fish that was believed to have died out 80 million years ago and a woman in Tajikistan attempted to ship 17 kilograms of heroin to Russia by hiding it inside a fridge and shipping it there by DHL (she was caught).

A woman in India, upon seeing just how dark the skin of her intended fiancé was, declared she would not marry him on the day of their wedding and in response, he starved himself outside her door until she gave in and married him and a statue of Bhimsen in Nepal started sweating which, if history is anything to go by, spells major misfortune for humanity everywhere.

Giant African rats became a major problem in Florida and local wildlife officials were mobilizing to lay down poison to kill them, scientists produced a study that revealed dolphins off the coast of Wales make noises that contain a specifically Welsh intonation about them and the same cultural variation was found to be true with dolphins all over the world.

Catholics in Croatia are now able to e mail their prayers to St Anthony in a new initiative set up by the local church, a chastity belt and wedding dress were found amongst other items left at the Iberian airport and were later auctioned off, an American tourist went for a walk completely naked in a German town causing many of the locals to complain and a female hammer head shark in Nebraska reproduced with no evidence of male involvement. Despite the biological rarity of such an event, scientists noted that this phenomenon is not entirely uncommon among a wide range of animals.

“It’s all over the place,” Dr. Schuett of Georgia State University said.