Today in Extraordinarily Odd


Whoever wrote the article here about Benedictine monks who are out to open up a franchise selling the jam like what you’d buy a fete or whatever, but with hilariously churchy names just honestly went overboard and need a good slap. Chain of Hellishly Good Food shops?! Because, they’re monks! Hilarious! Monks probably aren’t going to hell because of their crippling adherence to the Catholic faith so putting the word “Hellish” in there is quite cheeky, isn’t it? “Pear and apple "angelic jam", zesty lemon "unfaithful jam", and even cinnamon, raisin and apricot "prayer book jam"! Seems like the journalist writing the story isn’t the only cheeky one. Those monks might get a little too exuberant and need to be beaten back to emotional numbness too. Temper yourselves young jam making monks…no need to lose control. [source]

Who knows what kind of crazy ass law reform is going on in local government in South Korea but someone’s arrived to shake things up. Apparently, the government no longer provides awards for government employees who run up huge bar tabs. Must have been one of those light hearted office games designed to distract employees from the horrifying lack of point in their lives. Alright, so shocking paradigm shift aside, best part of this article is the mention of the boss who forced an employee to take part in a drinking game. Forced. The only thing missing is information about how the woman’s mother died of alcohol poisoning. If that were true, it would be a perfect example of quality comedy. [source]

After stabbing his own father to death a German man grabbed a chainsaw and sawed his own head off. Is it difficult to keep going all the way through after a certain point? Would you not choose something else that is more convenient? Or, maybe a rational approach was out of the question the moment he decided to kill his father and then cut off his own head. Yeah, efficiency probably wasn’t the first thing on his mind.[source]

Lindsay Lohan captured on film doing blow in a bathroom that have flooded the Internet thanks to the News of the World prompted Dina Lohan to do what any good mother would do; red carpet interviews at the premiere of Lindsay Lohan’s new movie Georgia Rule – a gig obtained entirely through brokering her daughter’s star power.

Because, relentlessly enabling your kid is actually a remarkably responsible thing to do as a mother when you have a gorgon esque ego inside you that is never ever satisfied. Sure you’re kid’s an unhinged narcissist starlet who is heavily addicted to narcotics and attention but…what about…mama?

When is it her turn?

Doesn’t she get a dream for herself?

Also alarming is the fact that Dina Lohan is surrounded by a contingent of people who refer to her as the “White Oprah”. What exactly does that mean? That Dina Lohan is the white version of one of the most powerful and wealthy women in America?

Yes, ex-Radio City Rockette, Dina Lohan – whose entire meal ticket is her daughter IS the spitting image of media magnate Oprah Winfrey. Not only do people watch Dina on her show and read her magazine – oh! Oh, now wait a second. Dina Lohan doesn’t have a magazine or a TV show. In fact, are we even sure she can read?

Well, let’s give her the possibility that she and Oprah may be in the same height…range.

Its always exciting when people make comparisons between themselves and people like Oprah because it either indicates a frightening level of delusion or a frightening level of ambition. Hmmm, which could it be here? With a cavernous void of desperate emptiness in her soul and daughter she’s clearly interested in exploiting coupled with the memory of a failed career in showbiz – maybe it’s a delightful mix of the two. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



Finally, the Sudanese man who was forced to marry the goat last year is free to marry a human after the goat, Rose, choked on a plastic bag and died. After he got drunk one night, the man was found rogering the goat and the goat’s owner insisted on marriage to maintain the goat’s virtue (god, it’s actually hard to follow that up with anything – it’s just so self contained). This must be a relief for the widower who can now follow up on all those offers of dates from smart and attractive women he must have had to relentlessly turn down while married. [source]



Israeli drivers carefully drove around a rapidly dying and then actually dead motorcyclist who had been in an accident and was lying on the side of a road. With their endless exposure to Palestinian bombings, maybe it’s just that they are numb to tragic accidents and without multiple dead bodies the accident seemed unremarkable. Alternatively, perhaps most drivers simply didn’t have the time to stop and feared dirtying their shoes on the muck that had spewed from the corpse of the dead motorist. Maybe it’s a little from column A and a little from column B. [source]





As we stand by watching cans of the recently banned “cocaine” energy drink be lifted from shelves by idiots who think they’ll look cool conspicuously downing the drink in a few weeks when no one else can buy it and retailers who immediately toe the line when the FDA bans something, it's hard not to shed a tear. A mere twelve-ish months after launching the product, the FDA has decided to rule that calling an energy drink “Cocaine” is illegal. But, never fear, the manufacturers are convinced that they can maintain an edge in the sparsely catered to caffeine-drink-in-a-slim-can market by marketing their product under another name. After all, what was in the name anyway – the kids loved the cough syrup taste. [source]

In an attempt to get Paris Hilton out of her jail sentence, one of Paris’ friends, Joshua has started a petition to somehow document just how upset everyone is that Paris has been sentenced to jail for repeatedly breaking the law and obviously to get her off. Obviously, no doubt, after grabbing himself by the hair, prying his face from the vomit covered Versace homewares mirror he calls a pillow and figuring out what to wear to mark the exact moment he decided to work on something besides his abs and tan.

Because, at the base of it, it’s just so desperately unfair and unreasonable that after she drove with no license and ignored a judge’s ruling that someone actually require her to address her behaviour! She’s never had to do that before, why NOW?!

Apart from the fact that Paris has urged people on her myspace page to sign the petition by spelling “sign” with an “h” instead of a “g” – indicating once again a failure on her behalf to adhere to a set of rules; in this case linguistic ones – some of the most remarkable comments have been left on Paris’ myspace account offering support and explaining how much she is worth to the little people who consume her products with no irony. As would be expected from a demographic of half wit, cultural shit eaters there are a few minor discrepancies in some arguments. But only a few. See if YOU can pick them!

Myspacer “Jolly” rather shrewdly points out:

I know Governor Schwarzenegger is a reasonable man. Paris could be considered one of her child, being one of its local member. Paris will be in good hands. The Governor had been a reasonable father and citizen of the US. I support you both Paris and your local government. :)

Indeed, Jolly. Paris could be considered “one of her child” , it’s true. You are also correct to point out that Paris will be in good hands (gosh, Jolly – really hitting your mark this morning!) Similarly, it’s wise to offer support to Paris’ local government as it so clearly exists.

Jolly then posts again, suggesting reasons behind a “blunder”:

Oh my goodness, of all the blunders I ever made..... forgive me for this typo. His child I mean, instead of her. I am distracted with the opening entry for this petition, I guess I am affected by it. :)

Yes, Jolly. Of all the blunders you made in thinking about what you were about to write, actually writing and posting those thoughts, being a fan of Paris Hilton and indeed getting out of bed in the morning, the typo you made was the biggest “blunder” for which you require forgiveness. Fear not – we’re all affected Jolly. Paris Hilton going to jail affects us all. Just breathe.



Moving on, though, to thoughts posted by Simone of Free Paris and a self described .1 fan & biggest supporter always (of Paris Hilton). Simone feels that despite Paris’ inclination toward racism, elitism and homophobia as hinted at through the release of that short film on which she was seen and heard using the words “nigger” and “faggot”, and indeed the fact that Simone herself is black and was hurt by that, Paris still doesn’t deserve jailtime.

I signed it!

I wrote this to you in a message but i figured you would have a bunch of messages so I put it in a comment but you get like millions so I'll post it here:

Hi Paris my name is Simone & I'm your BIGGEST fan. I really want to start out by saying how upset & pissed I am you have to go to jail. I swear 2 god I cried because this is really ridiculous! The 1st thing that came 2 mind was that was the judge's decision because you are who you are. I don't think it's fair & it's not right! I was shoked when I found out but then I was like I should have seen it coming. You're really a misunderstood woman & it's not fair 2 you 2 be judged the way you are.

I'm not goin 2 lie I don't always agree with what you do but I know most of things the media says are lies.No matter what happens I'm always going 2 support you because I LOVE YOU! Alot of peoply disagree with you being my idol but I don't care because I actually take the time out to watch VH1 shows on the real you & read about the real you when other people just judge you strictly on the bad things they hear.

I'm not like that & I'm not going 2 ever be like that. I did see the video w/ you saying the "N" word & @ I laughed at it. Deep inside I was hurt but i just had 2 brush it off because that's something 2 small for me to change my mind about you. You're a beautiful person inside & out (I know I don't know you but I'm a good judge of character). I'm only 16 but I do know your not a criminal & I do know you shouldn't be treated like shit.

I hate it when people bad mouth you! Only you know what it's like 2 walk in your shoes & be constantly critisize. I really wish people started 2 show you more respect & treat you like the BEAUTIFUL woman you are! I really hope you read this because it's coming from my heart & it kills me 2 see you have 2 go down like this! I LOVE YOU PARIS HILTON!

Your .1 fan & biggest supporter always:

Simone!

Indeed, it is ridiculous, Simone. And Paris marginalizing you as a black woman by calling black people “niggers” is a small trivial detail too. Especially when you consider how much she gives back. To you personally. Let’s all take a moment to think about how Simone must be feeling now and send her a general wish that she put down the proverbial razor blade.


In true Australian style, Alexxx manages to work the Australian angle in there too by proving she’s Australian ahead of time and then offering support. Oh Alex with three rather pornographic Xs in your name, it doesn’t matter what you have to say just keep talking with that adorable accent of yours and hammer it home for all to hear.

I signed it.Don't know if Australians are supposed to, but I did anyway.Don't worry Paris;; you'll get out early.You will be the hottest in-mate ever.Stay strong okay.Lots of love.-Alexxxoxo

And Alexxx presents a rather well formed case there. She’s probably right too, Paris will get out early. Why? Not sure but it’ll happen if we just believe in our hearts.


And finally, a rather rage filled Christine sums up feeling of intense anger we might all have by exclaiming:

just signed it, i signed another one that's going around too!!! u have all my support!!! this is fucking bullshit!!!!



It sure is Christine. It sure is.

[source] [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd




Unburdened, it seems, by a quest to simply function let alone a quest for excellence, Palermo’s City Hall in Italy has hired 110 bus drivers – none of whom actually have bus driving licenses. Now, all that’s left to do is simply pay them while they sit there and figure out what to do. Judging by the standard set, though, it seems like the problem will be swiftly dealt with by a capable mind justifiably in a position of power. [source]




A British man was told he was about to die of pancreatic cancer and that there was nothing anyone could do so he did what anyone else would do; he went out and spent up all his money – probably on relentless coke and whore binging – and just as he had spent the last of his money found out he wasn’t actually going to die at all. The sad part is, seeing as he’s completely broke and old – he really may as well be dead. Therefore, either way, his fate was sealed from the moment that doctor read him the diagnosis. He’s suing. [source]

How can Paris Hilton be expected to pay attention to the rules when the people she pays to read her mail don’t tell her what the rules are?

Plus, she has to spend all her time fending off advances from police who are getting her attention by making up crap like that she's "drunk driving" or telling her she’s been booked for "speeding".

Gosh, it’s interesting to see the massive differences between what actually happened and what Ms. Hilton remembers happening. In much the same way as a paranoid psychopath rewrites reality – except in this case – replace “paranoid” with “narcissistic” and “psychopath” with “spoilt town bike”. In some bizarre and unexpected way - Paris Hilton remembers the experience of being booked as actually being admired by fans. How unexpected!

Kathy Hilton was (thankfully) quoted as saying "This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with this nonsense. It's a joke." - referring to the jail sentence .

Actually, putting Paris Hilton in jail is one of the most socially responsible things anyone in the public sphere has done in, well…it’s so damned long before something this right happened – it’s hard to even compare it to something.

Sadly of course, jail will – as we know – serve as a fundamentally harmless cocoon within which Hilton will incubate and re-form. She will emerge, in the manner of a phoenix, more powerful than ever before. With the rumored demise of Brad Pitt’s ass and the inevitable metamorphosis of Paris Hilton into a super-celebu-beast – living in a third world country that only has dial-up never seemed more palatable. [source] [source]

Not only is Lindsay Lohan, brace yourself in a way you haven’t braced before – as in, maybe go out and buy some new bracing devices now because this shit will bowl you over when you read it, NOT ONLY is Lindsay Lohan – GOD, get a cup of tea or SOMETHING – not only is she NOT sober post rehab (ok, that’s shock number one) but she’s also apparently attempting to medicate against the crippling, endlessly tormenting desperate crippling emptiness that cripples her on the inside (emotionally, in a crippling emotional way) that she’s blowing rails of coke and talking about how she enjoys having endless compulsive sex with people who might not want to eventually get married and someone caught it on film and then provided an account of what she’s like to the News of the World. From the looks of the pictures she’s hanging out with someone who is a dead ringer for Claire Danes circa My So Called Life but that’s neither here nor there… There’s nothing she can do to get out of this now! Well, maybe if she went to rehab again that would do it. That would probably cleanse it all away, yes. Entirely. Then she’d be back on track as they say.

Between Pete Doherty being unmasked as a drug taker all of a sudden and Lindsay Lohan being sprung on film doing enormous amounts of Bolivian marching powder despite going to rehab (but she SAID she went to rehab and was better!) it’s almost enough to make you rethink basing your life on the behaviour of celebrities. Isn’t it? We all have some re-evaluation to do now. Some tough re-evaluation. When you think about it, Lindsay Lohan included. After all, with friends like the one who anonymously filmed her and then explained everything to the News of the World no doubt taking home a huge check in return, who needs enemies?[source]

Extraordinarily focused and spectacularly hygienic role model and hopefully for Kate Moss, the future father of more children, Pete Doherty was arrested on suspicion of possessing a class A drug on the weekend. This has got to be one of the biggest soul shaking shock for the general public. Well, now, gosh…where do you start to process something like this? Did anyone have any idea he was not really anchored in reality and had a tendency toward self abuse? Surely his friends and family suspected something? Regardless, there’s lots to think about now. Even besides Pete Doherty.

Kate Moss, we can expect, will probably now sit down and have a good hard think about where she’s headed and whether Mr. Doherty is coming with her in life now – it’s safe to assume that she’ll do that seeing as considered choices in her personal life are what she’s famous for. After being a supermodel…obviously.

It’s really just so strange! Everything else about Pete Doherty says “TOGETHER”. And you know, he would probably sometimes car pool the kids home from kindergarten. And all that time, he was headed towards drug use Goes to show…you really should never stop being suspicious of everything. [source]

For his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Brad Pitt has decided to hire an ass double rather than show his real ass. All the media reporting this are wondering if it’s Angelina Jolie insisting, Tom Cruise style, that he not show it on screen. Because, when you think about it, that would be selling his sex appeal and if there’s one thing Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are known for doing, it’s marketing themselves as average looking thinking types. Actually, what the hell is going on? Paris Hilton is going to jail and everyone is excited and happy about it, Brad Pitt is refusing to bare his ass…what is with this massive roping in of the comfortably reliable soft core porn based culture we’ve come to know and love?

Still, there are two remarkable things that can come out of this. One is; whoever is employed as Brad Pitt’s ass double will be able to dine out on that job for years. As a resume item, it’s really an unsurpassable qualification. Two, we can start to think about what Brad Pitt’s ass actually looks like now, speculate, run a few speculation as fact blind item type stories. Because, and it feels safe and rational to say this; this is an issue that rates up there with global warming, if Brad Pitt’s ass is truly starting to sag it basically means a slow apocalypse based death for us all. [source]

Week #18 in Review

In a moment that may very well indicate the turning of a cultural tide in America, the nation’s unwitting symbol of self negating desire, Hilton Hotel heiress Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in prison for violating probation in an alcohol related reckless driving case.

Three months after it was shot, footage shot by his daughter that showed David Hasselhoff drunk on the floor of his bathroom struggling to eat a hamburger reached Entertainment Tonight and the Insider, the Beckhams bought a new house in Beverly Hills, Cindy Adams reported the arrival of two potentially fake German aristocrats to New York with less irony than perhaps expected of her and Danny DeVito launched a line of Limoncello, capitalizing on publicity he received after making an appearance on The View drunk from a night of drinking the liquor with George Clooney.

While attempting to sell her line of jewelry on QVC, Paula Abdul failed to make coherent sense sparking more rumours that she was drunk while on air, Rosie O’Donnell announced she will leave The View due to contract negotiation breakdown and Britney Spears attempted a comeback by performing a few 12-15 minute concerts which involved lip syncing three to four of her songs while chewing gum and not engaging with the audience.

Fall Out Boy’s bassist and muse, Pete Wentz opened a bar in New York’s east village called Angels and Kings describing it as a place where all his loser friends could hang out, it was revealed that years ago, while filming the voice of Maggie Simpson for en episode of The Simpsons, Elizabeth Taylor couldn’t quite say the word “Daddy” without sounding too sexual and, after more than twenty takes she told the producers to "fuck off" and walked out.

Ellen DeGeneres tore a ligament in her back and interviewed Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan from a hospital bed and former governor of New Jersey, Jim McGreevey announced he was entering the seminary.

650 million American dollars is the amount Administrative Law Judge Roy Pearson Jr. estimated his mental anguish over a laundromat losing his favourite pair of pants was worth according to his current lawsuit against the laundromat, one third of pets in the US were estimated to be obese placing the ratio of obese pets to obese humans at 1:1, and a Japanese Hotel announced the inclusion of a ten thousand dollar martini to its menu.

A New York grade school teacher was reassigned after instructing a student to hit his own head with a drum mallet, the national parks administration in Maryland announced it would cease to provide toilet paper to public restrooms in Maryland parks, hairdressers in Iran were instructed to avoid styling Iranian hair in ways that emulate a western aesthetic and, fresh from the unsettling Virginia Tech massacre, Cary Grove High School student Allen Lee was arrested and dropped from the Marines for what was considered disturbed writing.

Pet owners were gauging the level of stress their pets were experiencing through the use of an indicator dot placed on the paw, unhappy with its generally likeable national image Canada embarked on a historical search to find some influential Canadian villains, it was announced that a reality TV show involving a group of obese English teenagers forced to exist in the Australian outback was in production and rats "the size of dogs" apparently, had invaded a power station in Montenegro and were reportedly eating concrete away.

Peruvians were reinforcing their libidos and general life force by drinking what they called Frog Juice; a mixture of freshly killed and pureed frog, aloe vera and other ingredients.

In describing Frog Juice, a 53 year old Peruvian housewife was quoted as simply saying, “ It gives you strength”

Today in Extraordinarily Odd



You know how some countries have those weird assed mythical foods that are meant to enhance everything that are made from ingredients tiger penis and mosquito aneurism? Well, Peruvians may very well be topping the nausea inducing list with Frog Juice – a drink that, not surprisingly, enhances vitality and acts as a kind of aphrodisiac. Why is it that every weird assed drink or food made from the half living processed innards of a tortured animal is always centered around trying to enhance vitality for sexual potency? Well, sort of like watching the relentless soft core porn that constitutes American pop culture, really. Everything is packaged to present a chance a feeling like you want to get off. Still, the Peruvians get to sit up there at the top of the list with the freaks in Asia who eat still beating cobra hearts and the freaks in Middle America who eat “cheese” made out of gasoline bi-product. [source]


So some unchecked freak teacher in New York, in order to demonstrate how NOT to hit a drum, had a student hit himself in the head. This is what happens when teachers get mild God complexes and don’t spend enough time with adults. There was another teacher the other day who had a young girl dress up like a mermaid so he could photograph her. The reportage for both of these stories was worded in this way where you have the teacher being delicately relieved of their job and the tone of the article is always … “there was some unpleasantness…that teacher has been moved away…” Yes…the … “unpleasantness” [source]





Administrative Law Judge Roy L. Pearson Jr. is facing potential reappointment and it’s all because of a tiny little lawsuit he filed against some dry cleaners who lost a pair of his pants a while back. All he really wants is about 650 million dollars for the mental anguish he suffered for the pant-related mishap and really, when it comes to pants, there’s no excuse for messing around. How can he possibly be expected to judge without his lucky judging pants. In fact, it’s prudent and genuinely rational to consider that, in fact, all his judging powers are pant based and without them he is powerless and should therefore be granted MORE money. Pants are not to be messed around with. Give the man his money and also, while we’re at it, make him King. To the pant losing Laundromat people: SHAME. [source]




This isn’t so much “extraordinarily odd” as it is “extraordinarily predictable” and mind assaultingly pathetic but either way it’s interesting to point out that former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey who was outted and had to resign over corruption allegations – amid further controversy surrounding his marriage because his wife is currently peddling her tell-all on the talk show circuit – is doing an Alec Baldwin and trying to muster up a little public forgiveness by joining the seminary. There’s no better way to muster up public sympathy than by infusing undeniable homosexuality with the cloth. [source]

Simpson’s creator Matt Groening recalls that when trying to tape Elizabeth Taylor saying the one single word spoken by Maggie Simpson in an episode of the Simpsons years ago, she got fed up after over 20 takes that were, according to producers, consistently “too sexual”, told them to “fuck off” and walked out.

Which is the bigger story here?

Is it that beneath that extraordinarily lauded Hollywood monarch like profile that is synonymous with American purity, cultural staying power, excess and an ego the size of a golf course Elizabeth Taylor actually has a mouth on her like a dirty, hardened, whore-bangin’ sailor who can’t help but throw in a few filthy words because it makes her feel naughty and balances out the grand matriarch routine required of her to maintain her iconic status? Well, that is extremely gratifying to think about, yes.

OR – is it the fact that she couldn’t say the word “Daddy” without making it overtly sexual thus revealing a penchant for role play and some kind of weird but actually probably fairly standard daddy issue that has become sexualized and remains with her to this day – as an elderly woman in a wheelchair who, let’s warrant a guess, is mildly less sexually active than she may once have been.

OR – is it the fact that from Groening’s recollection we now can construct in our own minds a scenario in the studio where Elizabeth Taylor had to constantly process feedback that informed her to really consider how much sex was in her voice, figure it out, and tone it down. Plus, in that scenario, you get the added bonus of her getting angry and walking out in a fit which is always nice - particularly for the drama-loving gays in the audience.


Gosh, do we really have to decide? They’re all so wonderful.[source]

David Hasselhoff is currently starring in a fantastically self indulgent piece of footage, which he himself commissioned (three MONTHS ago) from his daughter, Taylor that shows him drunk on the floor, trying to eat a hamburger while his daughter, simultaneously films him and earnestly begs him to stop drinking. The fact that it surfaces now is utterly nauseating because it's clearly not timely and obviously a ploy for attention.

Regardless though, in between the EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE from behind the scenes of the antagonistically crap and rancidly exploitative ANNA NICOLE SMITH telemovie and the requisite story about a random, maddeningly fat abuse victim who, if the narrative continues the way they normally do, will get the gastric bypass surge and then either die or they'll drop a half a metric ton of flab and will end up being a walking success story that people can cry at – The Insider and Entertainment Tonight is, relentlessly and with the utmost seriousness, jumping on this David Hasselhoff scandal. Probably, and let's take a guess at this, because they own it in some way.

By the way, the footage above is exclusive to the Insider, just in case you didn't pick that up through the subtle hints on the screen.

In the statement released by Hasselhoff responding, probably more or less because of the way ET/The Insider packaged the three month old story, David Hasselhoff is aiming to get past potential career damage by jumping on the Alec Baldwin bandwagon and more or less asking forgiveness from the public. He actually cites “separation from my children due to work” as a major factor behind his behaviour:

"I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue."

Baldwin successfully parlayed his outburst into a series of things, including publicity for his newest movie and website, by unloading his apology in front of a demographic of forgiving, emotional, empathetic women – most of whom are probably mothers – and by quarantining the reason behind his outburtst with the words “parental alienation”. It's not some massive, frighteningly undefined, bottomless pit of darkness - like say, the Son of Sam - inside Alec Baldwin - it's "parental alienation".

The Hoff’s apology included the section about being estranged from his children because, after all, it worked out alright for Alec Baldwin. Since Baldwin went on the View, the public have been freshly briefed on the concept of "parental alienation". Mothers are also especially empathetic of a hardened teenager who is forced to play the parent to the parent which The Hoff’s kid did in a surprisingly passionless manner. Wouldn’t you get freaked out if that’s how your father acted? Well, not if you’re hardened by life in LA as a c-list star’s daughter, no, probably not. Regardless, the footage seems noticably mechanical and passionless.

More importantly though, while the Hoff has gone to all this effort to take responsibility for his actions in front of the ticket buying, CD purchasing, television viewing public for his drunken behaviour so they won’t associate him with child abuse and an inability to eat properly, it seems like perhaps there are a few other things he should have addressed years ago. Namely – forcing us to relentlessly look at his barrel like torso in graciously asexual red shorts for all those years on the aggressively mind numbing, culturally poisonous picture frame for Pam Anderson’s rack, Baywatch and for injecting an unapologetically cheap salute to everything pastel, irony-free and tasteless into the otherwise historic moment the Berlin Wall came down by simply being there.

And, come to think of it, when you look at his cultural footprint, maybe he needs a drink. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd


LiveScience.com reports that one third of pets are obese which means one third of pet owners are complete ludicrous failures. It takes some real adherence to a lifestyle that includes relentless sloth and intoxication by donut but, as statistics released last year by Medical News Today suggest, 30% of Americans are obese too making the pet to human ratio about equal. Mexicans follow closely behind because with 24.2%, the English are up next with about 23% (which is probably because it’s cold and dark in the UK and people there like avoiding that fact by eating suet pudding and really strong cheese …only). Japan is all the way down the bottom of the list at about 2.3% of people on account of the raw fish and punishing work ethic and of course, France hovers at about 9% because a lot of calories can be burnt through a strict program of social rudeness and repressed rage at a cheating spouse. Those are the main reasons.

Anyway, so, yeah, pets are as obese as their owners in America. And the thing about this is, often, people eat shitty, cheap food full of toxins and calories because it fills the crippling void within OR because they can’t afford or don’t have access to anything else and they don’t know any better. You can also live with someone who eats crap and they can influence you to eat crap and then you can have an enabling relationship where you both eat crap together (probably while watching reality TV) and you can kind of gauge their responses to food and Paris Hilton, you can revel in that response and feel totally safe from the horror of your own reality. It just means you both suck and need to fucking stop eating crap and acting like moronic children.

When your pet is fat you’re not just an enabler, you’re a crippler because pets don’t actually feed themselves. What is so fucking hard about avoiding a fat related death for your pet? Just feed it less.


Technically, if you’re too pathetically inert to get up and burn lard off your own ass, feeding your pet less should actually work within your daily routine because you’re actually moving less material from the can to the bowl. It constitutes less exercise. Less exercise means more inert time and more inert time is what you’re after if you’re an insistently fat and lazy slob. Consequently, if you’re fat and so is your pet not only are you a failure as a thin person, you’re also a failure as a whole heartedly fat person. Get with the program. [source] [source]

Because Paris Hilton is the unwitting zeitgeisty embodiment of all that is wrong with America, she’s often not talked about here. It just seems toxic to keep facilitating such disease but recent news about how she is facing 45 days in jail are an interesting cultural plot twist. It is being reported that Paris has to appear in court tomorrow on charges of allegedly driving with a suspended license (remember that? When she was driving the car with her freaking lawyer in the passenger seat?!). and for failing to enroll in an adult education program within 21 days of being ordered to do so.

For starters, a large component of Paris’ appeal is her unapologetic tendency to be completely irresponsible. Or at least, without responsibilities – the kind that weigh everyone else down like work days, cost of things, body weight etc. She’s not analytical enough to know the full extent to which she embodies the totally self negating American escapist dream which is a primary reason she can live it so fully. It’s interesting also that the poll connected to the story, a poll where 61,000 votes were counted showed that a staggering 96% of people want to see her go to jail. She clearly broke the rules and this time the public want to see their corn syrup, sugared up white bread, reality TV muse rot in jail. The values she represents are centered in having the money to let her live above the drudgery of every day life. Money is the central component here too - she's not a spiritual Buddhist or anything that manages that through meditation or whatever.

So, consequently, if she were to lose her money the public interest would dissipate. No one who bought the magazines with her on the cover who would offer her human support at all. She'd be tossed out to work in the field and scoffed at en masse.

Well, maybe 4% of people would offer her a sandwich but that’s a far cry from the unending cultural influence she seems to have had so far.

It’s interesting too how the Republican party that managed to win the White House on a platform of poor people voting against their best interests for tax cuts for the rich and no socialized health care, irrational terror based fear and mind numbing religious beliefs three and a half years ago is losing favour with the American public to the tune of approval ratings that rank between 25 and 40% for the president and vice president.

Just as the popularity of Republican values are falling Paris Hilton too has really no case supporting the argument that she should be spared jail time. She didn’t act responsibly and this time it’s biting her in the ass. In both cases the public seem far far less permissive of imperious self absorbed profiteering than they have been in the past. And, let's face it, at the end of the day, if Paris had no public she would just be another rich kid on coke on a Wednesday night just as the Republican party would be a group of red meat fed investment bankers, religious opportunists and self hating repressed poor and gay people sitting in the corner with low self esteem.

Paris is just lucky that if she did go to jail she would be gone for a short enough time that people would still basically care when she came out, she could milk it like Martha Stewart did and she will probably spend time in an low security, resort prison for women. Hell, maybe it would buy her some visceral depth based credibility. Paris Hilton with visceral, depth based credibility would be something. Hell, it would probably just implode. [source]

Following on from his drunken appearance on The View..as in…this one:

where Limoncello appeared to be a real influence on his speech patters, Danny DeVito is now launching his own brand of Limoncello – produced and bottled on the Amalfi Coast, Italy. When you think about it, it’s a totally genius idea. Firstly, who on earth prepares for an appearance on The View by staying out all night with George Clooney drinking? Well, anyone would actually…yeah, that’s probably true. Regardless, he goes on The View, is drunk, is actually just hilarious and totally harmless. No one really outright complained that he was drunk although Rosie O’Donnell probably helped that by creating a distraction as she parlayed the incident into another calculated and mindless ratings grabber by inserting inadvertent racial slurs that real think-tanks like Michelle Malkin milked for all they were worth. The appearance clearly attracted attention and from that, it expanded into an all-out capitalist venture.

Because what is Danny DeVito really selling? First and foremost he’s selling cool. He went out and got drunk on the stuff with George Clooney. If that’s not classically cool then nothing is. Secondly, he’s selling the angst free experience of actually being drunk on ABC and not really being criticized for it at all. He managed to blubber on about the president while drunk and no one looked at all uncomfortable. After both of those he’s selling Limoncello. Limoncello made on the Amalfi Coast that’s probably more or less top notch as well. Danny DeVito, is there anything you can’t do besides bathe in public without inducing massed nausea? [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd


A Japanese hotel announces that it is interested in offering the next in a long and predictably derivative line of ways offered by international hotels for extravagantly wealthy people to mindlessly offload their cash. While they’re not exactly making history at all by serving up a martini that contains a diamond and costs ten thousand American dollars, (the Algonquin in Manhattan has been doing a virtually identical drink for years for a virtually identical price - well, ok, the Japanese hotel gives you a twist of lime. That’s…a major difference. Yes) at the end of the day, at least people who can afford it will still be able to burn money they could otherwise throw to somewhere like, say, totally desperate Darfur rather than face any social unpleasantness. There's got to be like three more inane menu item gestures left in this hotel gimmick idea until it's just seen as stupid and repetitive. Stop giving people diamonds in martinis - let's get fucking insane. Start getting rich people to pay millions for the chance to drink pond water or to stand in a white room. White air has extraordinary...err...properties that...er...make you inherently likeable. TEN MILLION DOLLARS PLEASE! [source]



Giant rats, rats the size of DOGS no less (a spokesperson swears, no seriously!) are invading a hydropower station in Montenegro and eating the concrete. If those rats get through to whatever they’re aiming for then entire sections of the city could be plunged into darkness. Is it too early to suggest that an unholy army of darkness has taken the perverted form of vermin and are invading, which, in reality means that darkness is more or less already upon the city? Spiritual darkness? Either that, or this is the Rats of Nyhm happening in real life but sort of weirder and more freakish and evil. [source]





Canada is on a search for its own historical scoundrel type characters because it feels it is too nice. Apparently while sane attitudes towards guns are keeping gun related deaths down, Canada is finding it hard to get a date to the prom so it’s looking to show that Canadians can be bad boys too. Ok, that aside, can we just all notice that the people running the campaign are the good folk at Canada’s Natural History Society who publish The Beaver magazine. The fact that Canada has a magazine called The Beaver and doesn’t bat an eye is far more hilarious than the fact that they think they’re too nice and maple syrupy. Could there BE anything funnier than watching a twin set clad matron with a gray bun perched tightly on the top of her head presenting the most recent incarnation of The Beaver to an eager audience of her peers? She’d say “The Beaver” so many times. (“I’ve been working really hard on the beaver for the past 2 months and even though I’m really tired I think it looks great…have a look, I’m sure you’ll all agree”) Total champagne moment. So anyway, nominations for scoundrel type Canadians, of course, include Celine Dion and Shania Twain. [source]

Britney Spears performed last night at House of Blues in LA and the entire thing, according to what people are reporting it was, reeks of tired old material that has run its course. Performing her old work, the work that pertained to the constructed persona that was alive pre-meltdown is meaningless now because everyone knows she’s a confused, complicated completely flipped out little southern girl with a strange dark side.

This is sort of like the cinematic progression of Greg Araki where you could see him reconciling his disconnected, gay LA childhood by making a series of films that, as they received more funding, became better and then better and then more average and then repetitious and soulless. It took him several years to get it back together, grow up and create Mysterious Skin after he churned out the chronically tiresome personally formulaic, Splendor and thank goodness he did abandon his old style and develop because Mysterious Skin was triumphant.

Britney was apparently on stage, lip-syncing for 20 minutes and didn’t say anything to the crowd. All for the bargain basement price of $125 a ticket. In many ways you could save the money, put on a CD, thrown on a wig because let’s face it, that would also be authentic, and do the show in front of a mirror at home. Much likeTom Cruise, if the goal is some level of sincerity or honesty in work that retains meaning, the next step for Britney would really be a one woman show at the Carlyle explaining, with song interludes that bear thematic pertinence to her story, exactly what really happened from beginning to end.

Tom Cruise needs to have a meltdown like Britney. One that includes shaving his head and screaming in public but not stopping the madness at all. Really physically grinding to a deafeningly horrifying soul baring halt. Sort of like Ann Heche post break up with Ellen but on a galactic scale. THEN he sits down, no make up, no beard and writes the absolutely no holes barred story of his life and tells it beneath a stark spotlight at a gritty downtown theatre – why not BAM actually, Brooklyn is more edgy. Nothing is left out.

That. Would be interesting. And it would invigorate his integrity.

After gauging what Britney did on stage last night, it seems that she needs to do more or less the same type of thing. There are rumours of a tell all book or interview with Allure magazine which is good. The corporately constructed persona built entirely to facilitate Pepsi endorsement and latent pedophile fantasies in middle aged office workers has really run its course.[source]

Seeing as the Beckhams have now bought a house in Beverly Hills, the free ride seems to be coming to a screeching halt for the kids who make their living as impersonators. After all, the real folks are in town so they’ll be spending more face time out and about meaning that people will soon be able to far more easily tell the difference between the clearly fatter Posh impersonator and the imploding shrink wrapped skeleton that is the original.

What’s to do…what’s to do?

Well, nothing for certain but at the end of Cindy Adams' column today she writes all about how Her Royal Highness the Princess Kristina von Mecklenburg de Vasa-Anjou is in town with Count Kirmet von Schumacher to attend to some vague, German events that don’t sound specifically about anything or real for that matter. In fact, if you look up the Princess and the Count on Google the only online mentions of the two in any capacity are from Cindy Adams herself. Today. Wouldn’t a Princess and a Count have a lineage or something online? Or, in fact, just a photo of themselves? Anywhere? Adams goes to the trouble of explaining how she has no idea who the two are or what the events they’re in town to attend to are but she nevertheless reports that they’re here in New York, just in case they end up being real. Cause you never know when it comes to people with unbridled bravado.

Whoever they are, and let’s tie it in with the intro to this post by saying – ha ha, maybe it’s the two people who were playing Posh and Becks in Los Angeles but this time they’re in New York and the characters are just generic royalty, they’re brilliant in a Kauffman kind of way. Kudos to you you fake royal gossip column mention getters! Now cash in fast and flee. [source] [source]
[source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd




If there was a way of making more perversely crap television than forcing obese UK teenagers to survive in the Australian outback then you’d have to be taking LSD regularly to get to the part of the brain that would have that idea locked away. Oh, that’s mean. Why is this show, bluntly titled “Fat Teens Can’t Hunt” (which for some reason makes me think of the word “cunt” ) going to be great? Well, it’ll be great for people who like to watch TV and hate the people they see because there’s bound to be nothing attractive about a collection of spoilt lazy ghost white English kids whose cultural legacy will be hundred of years of simply sitting around complaining about everything. Seeing as they’ll do that no matter what, perhaps it would be fun to give them something to complain about. We mustn’t stop taunting until one of them faints. It’s the only way they’ll learn. [source]



Fascinatingly scandalous and shocking news comes tearing mercilessly out of Maryland with the news that visitors spending the day in Walkersville Park, Maryland will have to bring their own toilet paper because vandals lit a roll on fire. Who knew the National Park service in Maryland was run like a third grade class but no doubt during assembly it was made expressedly clear that the actions of a few stupid boys have ruined it for the rest of the state. Furthermore, as we’ve learned through bigger examples in bigger cities (like the symbolic banning of the word “ nigger” ) if one person says something and it’s offensive, the only mature and socially effective course of action is outlawing the action across the board. That’s why, with a drinking age of 21 and abstinence only being taught in schools, the US barely struggles with teenaged alcoholism or pregnancy. Somewhere in Maryland there’s a tightlipped Parks administrator sticking to her guns. She’s also probably wearing sensible shoes and forgoing that piece of cake because she had one yesterday.[source]

If there’s one thing that Pete Wentz is, besides unnervingly alluring – in fact, unnervingly, smugly and gratingly alluring, it’s edgy. He even says so himself in the little film above. SO edgy is Pete Wentz, in fact, that during his cool little short film piece for People’s top 50 trillion hottest people in wherever issue, he went out there and talked about putting on eyeliner. This was, of course, after the Honda sponsored tour Fall Out Boy were a headlining act for… Oh, wait – it’s not eyeliner – it’s GUYliner. Let’s hazard a guess that the word GUYliner was a lifeline for basically everyone who has created a job out of knowing Pete Wentz – including probably future endorsements from eyeliner manufacturers. This is just a random harzarded guess, of course, but it seems like maybe Pete Wentz wasn’t really the one who came up with the word, it’s far more likely that it was the result of a brainstorming session involving the good people who represent young Wentz prior to shooting the footage.

Cue those wavy lines in the screen from Scooby Doo…

Pete Wentz lies around on the sun drenched window sill of a corporate board room all dolled up in his eyeliner, tight black jeans, heavily styled tousled hair and trademark hoodie. He’s bored and is texting a yearning, relentlessly plastic and needy Ashlee Simpson on the free sidekick he was given on the proviso that he be seen using it in public. He’s laughing hysterically at her lack of ability to spell relatively common words and every now and then checks out of the corner of his eye to see if the female VP of marketing is watching so he can emphatically put his hand down his pants, grab his cock and then smell his fingers. Never once looking away from the screen of his sidekick or acknowledging her unavoidable tendency to fantasise about him.

The Executives are all shrieking at each other, well, the women are. The men are barking – careful to maintain a non threatening level of femininity in their outward behaviour. All except one fat guy in a suit who is eating rotisserie chicken and not worrying about the grease on his fingers. It’s unclear what he does but he’s not stressed at all. After battling for an hour about various cultural details like whether or not Wentz should be seen in a speedo or in shorts on the beach later that month in Maui (rolled up jeans were decided upon) they finally come to the conclusion that he absolutely cannot use the word eyeliner as it would totally alienate the male fan base, which is – despite every brazen reference to bisexuality and glam rock they’ve calculatedly made – straight males and straight females.

“Look, can we just hurry up? I have to go stand a public urinal and think about how emotionally unavailable I am,” says Wentz

“Eyeliner sounds too drag, it needs to be less threatening. If we can’t enable men with eyeliner then the entire product will start to lose value…”

“Why not just GUYliner,” says an intern.

“I know – GUYliner,” says a VP.

And that’s more or less how it came up. And indeed, how everything came up. Possibly forever.

But, it doesn’t end there. His new bar, Angels and Kings in the East Village is the kind of place where and we’ll directly through the mouth of Wentz, "all our loser friends can hang out." Research has no doubt shown the word “loser” still resonates among the key demographic even years after the American Pie films. And the thing is, I will absolutely go to that new dive bar in the East Village opened by modern day omni gendered, omni sexual rocker muse Pete Wentz, looking for him just so I can stare longingly. There is no doubt in my mind about it. It’s chemically impossible not to. Research has shown…[source]

From the Oprah Winfrey school of “Here’s an hour devoted to what’s in my purse” comes Ellen DeGeneres’ “I hurt my back so I’m going to lie in bed and interview celebrities on TV”. And at the core of it we can see there is an effort to really just work with what you’ve got to work with; in this case: back pain. Plus, also, as is the case with Oprah, it’s about a controlled gesture to lift the veil on the real Ellen DeGeneres and to integrate human aspects of her personality into her public persona.

While Ellen DeGeneres is geniunely brilliant and doing an interview from your bed is funny and silly it’s alarming the extent to which she goes to be seen as more or less asexual despite her earlier campaigns to be an out lesbian. Even when T R Knight (T R Knight is actually a really pretentious name, incidentally. Has it taken until now for that to be said? T R Knight. He’s not a lawyer. He’s an LA series actor. T R Knight... goodness) was on to talk about the Isaiah Washington “Faggot” pointing unpleasantness and he repeatedly told her that her decision to be out was inspiring and each time she wouldn’t budge and inch.

What’s the lesson we learn? Back pain is funny. Lesbian is not funny. It’s a reality that is neither here nor there. [source]