Thursday, January 31, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

German authorities were able to pin a burglary committed in April on a suspected serial thief after he left a half-eaten slice of salami carrying a sliver of his DNA at a crime scene, police said on Thursday and I’m actually amazed that I’m amazed at this story. Stupid burglary stories are so common these days, they make up news filler stories more than anything else. Still, I guess it never ceases to amaze me that burglars will do dumb ass things like eat a sandwich while robbing someone. I mean, does it need to be explained? Actually, I kind of like it because it means that real life is more like a Monty Python sketch than we may have previously thought. Particularly in Germany where people are always running around naked pretending to be pigs and stuff. Burglars in Germany are perhaps a source of light hearted relief for readers of the news in the West and for that they should receive an award. Immediately. Ok, now someone is eating some kind of beef that smells like it was cooked in the 50s. This is what you get when you spend time around people. Beef. [source]

Queen Elizabeth II on Wednesday approved the appointment of the House of Commons first female serjeant at arms. Jill Pay, a former assistant serjeant takes over from Major General Peter Grant Peterkin, who retired in December. She is the first woman in the post's 593-year history.The serjeant at arms, who is the only person in the Commons allowed to carry a sword to symbolise the position's authority, heads up the chamber's 40-strong security team. The thing is, even though the Queen made this appointment, in British parliament there is bound to now be a bunch of tweed coat wearing elderly men who have dominating oddly shaped teeth and leave a trail of dust in the air that eminates from their hair who wander around with tea cups in hand saying things like “Eh what?” about anything that are secretly against it. I’m not sure why, I’m just pretty sure that that’s what some members of British Parliament actually look like. No research necessary! I just know! [source]

Entertainment Tonight and The Insider (two shows that are scheduled to run directly from one to the other, share the same font and colour scheme in their logos and illustrative graphics and share content to the extent that they really don’t need to even be two shows) have been getting a heap of press over the fact that they have a video tape of Heath Ledger doing a heap of drugs in a drug party at the Chateau Marmont two years ago. They had scheduled to show the video tonight but have since decided that showing it would be disrespectful to the Ledger family.

Entertainment Tonight and The Insider never cease to amaze. There’s a reason they have the maternal Mary Hart as an anchor and that is because if they didn’t, it’d be another shrill, blonde 22 year old aspiring film actress with an eating disorder and that, as an image, would be too generic and disheartening for the public to deal with. It would be too clear a statement as to what the show really is; namely, a profit generating gutter dwelling crap fest.

Out of respect? As opposed to the way they dealt with Anna Nicole Smith’s death which was entirely respectful? AND the fact that they freaking already have essentially showed everything they were going to show anyway in their promotional ads. The way ET and TI are set up they never just play a story from beginning to end. The entire show is teasers of what is to come and then, all of a sudden the show is over and you wonder what the hell you even just watched. The entire Heath Ledger film may as well have been seen at this point.
PLUS – the film was shot two years ago. Everyone knew he did drugs; that wasn’t a mystery at all. A film showing him doing drugs two years ago is just crap, sensationalist fodder. It’s not actually proving anything new at all.

ET and TI have pulled the plug on this I would say almost ENTIRELY because market research has shown that exploiting Ledger’s drug use to get ratings would be seen as crass at this point and they’d suffer in terms of ad revenue in the long run. They’re vultures. [source]

It’s only taken what, 18 months, for this to FINALLY happen but it finally has. In the wee hours of the Los Angeles morning, Lynn, Jamie and Bryan Spears staged a kind of massive highly theatrical coup including the police and an ambulance so they could ensure that Britney Spears be taken to hospital and placed under 3 days of psychiatric watch. She is now there and it looks like she could be kept there for more than three days if everything goes according to plan. was gracious enough to file minute by minute updates on the story as they did when Paris Hilton went in and came out of jail and that story about Lindsay Lohan driving like a maniac with three guys in the back of her car. Then at around 7:12am they posted a complete recap of the entire thing for anyone who wasn’t awake while it happened.
If you sat down and imagined what the entire thing was like you’d be pretty much correct – just like you’d have been correct if, over the past year, you took a wild guess every day as to what the gossip press were reporting about her daily activities. There was bickering between Britney’s family and Sam Lufti (or should I say Osama Lufti – HA!) her terrorist (probably) friend which is entirely predictable.

Two things that weren’t predictable about her being taken to hospital are the fact that Lynn Spears rode in a car with Adnan Ghalib, Britney’s Stockholm Syndrome boyfriend AND the fact that ran a survey asking readers whether they were on Osama Lufti’s side or Britney’s Parents’ side in this and it was split evenly down the middle. As in, when I checked it it was literally 50% on either side.
That seems odd to me seeing as Britney seems to be entirely surrounded by mooching freeloaders with their own agendas and despite everything, she’s still an endeared public figure.
Anyway, turns out she’s bipolar and has been going off her meds – which makes for a much simpler explanation than whatever else people were coming up with. Like, that she was possessed. There’s got to be someone in the US who is praying for Britney Spears because they think she’s possessed. [source]

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Takahiro Fujinuma -- who is 37, single and unemployed in Japan has been arrested for allegedly calling directory assistance thousands of times because he liked to be scolded by female operators, police and reports said Wednesday. "I would go into ecstasy when a lady scolded me," he said, as quoted by Jiji Press and you know, people do this kind of shit way more often than anyone would like to believe. Why sometimes, when I’m in a bad mood, I’ll actually just call the internet company and ask them why they never send me bills, only shut off notices. There’s nothing I can do about the fact that they keep failing to send bills – I’ve tried for like 2 years. It’s just that sometimes, in a secretive way, I find it kind of cathartic to call up some ludicrous call center worker and argue that they’re bad at their job. Truthfully, I haven’t done that in a while. Not since I found god. [source]

There’s a shop in Ghana, Africa where you can buy a custom made coffins and if I know people, and I sort of do, that means that all sorts of whacky customers are buying up coffins in the shape of all sort of whacked out shapes – like a coke bottle or a cucumber. I really think this kind of thing is symptomatic of people who don’t do anything outside the norm ever, who completely tow the line all their lives and then in one freaky area they let it all out. In this case, it’s what they’re buried in. But, still, what could be more enchanting and dignified than being buried in a coffin shaped like a can of Coke. My friend Magdalena is a queen in Ghana and she is helping this village start an industry based around paper made from pineapple. From that, I would suggest that Ghana’s industries are among the most cartoon like and enchanting in the world. Who would have thought? Little Ghana. [source]

A university student from Jingzhou in the central province of Hubei wanted to get back to his home city of Wuhan, 200 km (124 miles) to the east and yet, there was snow everywhere and no buses. So, he decided to ski home. He decided to ski 124 miles on flat land. Ok, maybe it wasn’t flat, maybe it was a little up and a little down. Either way, how much easier is skiing in this instance than regular old reliable walking? Probably not a lot! Anyway, so the ever vigilant Chinese police saw him, picked him up and took him to a bus station. Gee, great help there – the buses were out – even I know that and I’m not even there. I’m here. God, Chinese police are so controlling. Anyway, so, no one knows the following: whether he got home, apparently what his name is – that wasn’t something the report included – or, in fact, why this story even constitutes news. I think anything about Chinese authorities acting out and exercising power is a news story right now no matter what. It’s because China is out of its mind preparing for the Olympics. [source]

Perez reports that Avril Lavigne has just filed an application with the US Patent office to trademark her name in relation to a whole range of beauty products and that means that very soon the legions of fans she has will be able to buy all sorts of fragranced products with her visage and character branded all over them.

Much like I was yesterday with news of the pending release of Kathy Hilton’s new fragrance, I’m practically hemorrhaging in anticipation for this one. If there’s one person I’ve wanted to be able to culturally align myself with in inane ways such as cosmetics it’s Avril Lavigne. I mean, there’s so much substance there. Buying Lavigne’s fragrance be a totally new and extraordinarily sincere emotional experience. Just like buying her music always is – and I mean that without exception.
What interests me beyond the entirely enchanting possibility of finding new ways to pay Avril LAvigne money for her contributions to culture is the fact that she’s trademarked her name in relation to Fragrances and perfumery; after shave; pre-shave; bath oil; bath soap; shower gel; body shampoo; deodorant for personal use; tissues impregnated with cosmetic lotions; bath crystals; bath milks; dusting powder; body lotion; body splash; body cream; hand lotion; and talc.
Yes, after shave and pre-shave. That’s for her boy fans. Her boy fans who never get beat up at school for sucking ass. [source]

TMZ reports that Dr. Phil is how drumming up publicity by going on talk shows to talk about how much he hasn’t mentioned attempting to exploit Britney Spears in the promotion of his new TV show a couple of weeks ago.

That means he’s essentially taking a leaf out of the self promotional hand book of people like Kim Kardashian and even Kim Cattrall (who kept us all on the edge of our seats as she deliberated over whether or not the script to the Sex and the City movie was going to be good enough for her).

It’s rather interesting that a man whose entire angle is anchored in teaching people how to be self aware is actually no better than a common charlatan evangelist. But you know, I mean, I could tell he was like this the moment I knew he whitened his teeth.

Doctors and lawyers who appear on TV are often the worst kind of people. Actually, they’re often the most frightening kind of people because you can tell they’ve forced themselves to study hard and get all the qualifications they need to be doctors and lawyers but what they really REALLY wanted was to headline on Broadway and so now their crippling need seeps out in uncontrollable ways. I mean, it’s interesting and often masochistically funny but it’s usually just as horrifying. It's often like watching a suburban parent get all excited and energetic about manning a cappucino booth at their kid's school fair. It's like finally they can express themselves but at this point the inner message is just too broken and warped so they end up being freaks.

After unsurprising reports that the Heatherette fashion label will dissolve, it’s been reported again that Heatherette designer Richie Rich and ex-porn star and stick insect Jenna Jameson will actually fill the professional void by opening a club in Manhattan’s East Village called The General Store – where shoppers will “find a taste of New York that’s been lost”.

So, what we’re really talking about here is a nightclub that acts as a gallery for the inane construction paper collage print t shirts that Rich designs for no one to wear that will, after an opening night attended by the high maintenance broken mirror brigade of “freelance stylists” left over from the Alig years, become a haven for 18 year old Bridge and Tunnel guido styled gay boys who spell the word “boy” with an “i” instead of a “y” and who use too much gel in their hair and socially inept Staten Island fans of Jenna Jameson who come to gawk at the freaks and chuckle to themselves. If there's one thing the East Village is lacking, it's Staten Island based straight porn afficionados.

No matter WHAT The General Store really like, the street press will shower it with praise as well. Any minute now.

I kid, good on them for keeping it up. I’ll totally go. [source]

Ben Widdicombe at the New York Daily News reports that actress Sean Young, who got really drunk and yelled drunken abuse at Julian Schnabel, George Clooney and Marion Cotillard at the Director’s Guild Awards in Hollywood on the weekend, has avoided commenting on her behavior and has checked into rehab.

There’s something immensely and comfortingly reliable about this story even though the basis for it is completely anchored in unhinged, addiction poisoned, erratic, freakish behavior. Sean Young hasn’t worked in years so you’ve got the whole high maintenance actress who hasn’t had her ego stroked on a grand cinematic scale since who knows when thing to consider (although, I was surprised to find that she’s actually done a lot of bit part stuff on TV – almost consistently since she started working) . Plus, there’s the abuse of alcohol thing and the drunken disorderly thing – in front of her professional colleagues.

There’s no complex multiple personality disorder rumour like there is with Britney, no hardcore drug abuse problem like there is with Lohan, no plastic surgery nightmare like say, with Joan van Ark; with Sean Young there’s just really predictable ego and behavior issues that seem fairly standard. Plus, the fact that she’s claiming penance by invoking rehab when rehab is so two years ago is just quaint.

Sean Young’s behavior now really seems like what Joan Crawford would have been like if she were around nowadays. For that, I salute Sean Young. [source]

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Germany’s back in the insistent sexual weirdness saddle with news that German nudists will be able to start their holidays early by stripping off on the plane if they take up a new offer from an eastern German travel firm. If you’ve got 499 Euros and you want to fly from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom then this is for you. Of course, it’s not fair to assert that all nudists are sexual predators; no, that’s not the case. I just can’t see this trip not being a middle aged, baby boomer fest with a bunch of fat weird Germans who are finally expressing something, albeit inanely, after working their entire lives in office jobs. Good old compartmentalization. Ok, for some reason it smells like skunk near me right now. I have no idea why. There better not be a dead rodent anywhere near me.[source]

An Oxford Librarian named Jean Preston just died and it has been revealed that she had an art collection in her home valued at something in the vicinity of more than 4 million pounds. She inherited the work from her art loving father and even though she had 4 million pounds worth of art in her small, crap, suburban red brick home, she still insisted on riding the bus and eating frozen meals. I mean, I’m assuming they were defrosted first. Actually, no, let’s not assume. If the woman were able to hoard 4 million pounds worth of art, including a rare edition of the works of Chaucer and some 15th Century rare Renaissance work then she was probably one of those hardened, tough as nails English women who complain a lot and insist on living like it’s during the war just so she can feel better. No sense in needless frivolity – it the powdered egg and nightmare diet for HER. Still, she’s dead now so the art is going to be redistributed. "My aunt bought her clothes from a catalogue, ate frozen meals and went everywhere on the bus," one of her family members said. "Who would have thought she had the equivalent of a winning lottery ticket in her spare room all these years?" [source]

For nine years, Jerome Bartens from the UK had to cope with the handicap of being half deaf. Then suddenly the reason for his problems became clear - when the end of a cotton bud popped out of his ear. So, now the kid can hear perfectly again. The cotton bud itself was a brown orange color probably because it had been marinating in ear wax for 9 years. Literally. The other part of this story I like is that the kid’s father is Mr Bartens, an HGV driver from Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire. I mean, can you GET any more English than that town? I mean, granted it’s probably a rancid suburban crap hole but the name is just so exhaustive. Good old everything. Actually, my favourite part of this story really is the quote from some fuckwit Christian named Megan from Knoxville, Tennessee. She literally wrote:
“One of the main reasons we are so low on the WHO list is because we don't have socialized medicine. Praise God!”- Megan, Knoxville, TN.
Wow. Way to out yourself as a fucking nutcase idiot, Megan. Skunk smell is gone now. [source]

The New York Post reports that some freak assed weirdo pretended to be Heath Ledger’s father and conned a funeral home into booking him a room at the Carlyle Hotel on Madison Avenue. He also managed to get Tom Cruise on the phone who consoled him over the death of Heath Ledger and was moments away from getting John Travolta from buying him an airline ticket to New York from Australia. He also contacted Christian Bale, Halle Berry and Mel Gibson.

The whole thing is pretty vile but you have to admit that managing to get away with all that isn’t easy so the guy has something going for him. Perhaps he should work in PR.
I would be interested to know exactly HOW Tom Cruise counseled him. The Post reports that Cruise cut the guy off abruptly after he learned that the guy was an imposter but it’s far more likely that they both discovered an intellectual synthesis while on the phone because they’re both freaking insane. Which isn’t to say that Travolta isn’t insane either but he wasn’t called in to be a therapist. Tom Cruise was called for counseling and rightly so.

The imposter hasn't be caught but investigations are underway.

Lohan’s hitting the bottle again according to the New York Post who have reported that she was seen taking swigs out of a bottle of Grey Goose vodka at Box nightclub in New York.

Lohan’s got it down to a fine art nowadays. She spent a ton of time in rehab making sure she could allude jail time by appearing repentant and now, any time she needs to get any press she just has to be seen having a drink. Just one. Britney Spears on the other hand has to go out and call the press, drive around, shave her head, menstruate in public and lose custody of her kids to maintain the furor and that gets exhausting.

Lohan’s good at it. She knows how to stay on top. Of what is another matter but she’s certainly up there. Drinking. [source]

Well, look at that. Kathy Hilton has come out with a fragrance so she can financially capitalize on her massive fan base at a rate of 1200% profit and good for her. The fragrance is called “My Secret”.
And you know, the interesting thing here is that I thought her secret was to whore her kids out relentlessly after marrying into money so news that she might have another secret and that it’s available in fragrance form for a mere 52 dollars at Macy’s is wonderful news indeed.
I wonder what extravagant secrets of her endlessly glamorous and virtuous life will be subtly and graciously revealed in the sumptuous layered fragrant experience that is her new perfume. I’m busy wondering right now.
Trust her to race straight for the high return product ideas. Fragrances are so weird; they are this completely marketed concept where almost all of the substance is completely made up by marketers and the actual product is just glorified cat urine so any money paid for it is essentially profit.
Actually, from looking at the Home Shopping Network site, it seems that Hilton has been flogging crap beauty products for years.

Who the hell buys this crap? It’s probably the same people who buy the Celine Dion and David Beckham fragrances. Or Faberge. Then they go to their friends’ weddings and stand there in the rented tuxedo still wearing their Doc Boots with yellow stitching or even worse, just sneakers. Plus, they wear their biker sunglasses for all the photos and don’t cut their hair. Just so you know they’re not some flouncing nancy who takes the outfit seriously.

So, in short, Kathy Hilton wants you to pay her money to smell like her; namely a gold digging skank child pimp. Start saving kids. Interestingly enough, Perez Hilton spat acid about this product. Maybe he's not so afraid of losing Paris Hilton any more. [source]

Monday, January 28, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

For a mere $90,000, finally, we will be able to purchase a rocket pack that actually works. As in, a little pack you wear on your back like a backpack that contains rockets and fuel and can make you fly a bit. It will be available in May of this year, not right now. Thunderbolt Aerosystems has placed its new ThunderPack Revision-2, Generation-2 (R1G2) on the market so, as you can imagine, I’m just quickly dry cleaning my old spandex super hero outfit so I can take on the identity of a super hero and fly about the city. Apparently, the rocket pack keeps you in the air for like 37 seconds so flying to work is really sort of more like bounding along as though you’re some kind of freaked out international airline rabbit but still, at least I can now arrive through the roof of a museum when there’s a benefit. That’s sort of always been my dream and I’m really excited about getting myself a new personality that will remain a secret to all but those who know. Which might be more people than I originally anticipated. [source]

A 26 year old teacher at a Tokyo school was arrested on Monday for making a group of boys undress at knifepoint and stealing their underpants, Kyodo news agency reported and look, it’s all very mean and horrifying that those kids were forced to do that. BUT, in defense of the teacher, can I just say that I’m pretty sure boy underpants that have been freshly worn fetch a pretty penny in Japan. The Japanese have a comic strip called “Rape Man” for Christ’s sake. Maybe it was just a lesson in teaching kids what they’re worth economically. The teacher is also suspected of taking a mobile phone from one of the boys and making nuisance calls to his home afterwards, Kyodo said. In light of that, I would warrant that this teacher is a genius and totally worth giving a raise to. Who could ask for more in a teacher than relentless, knife point sexual abuse and phone call harassment of young students? Not me! [source]

Lovelorn staff at a Japanese marketing company can take paid time off after a bad break-up with a partner, with more "heartache leave" on offer as they get older. The company is run by six women so that sort of makes sense. Women make time for things like that whereas men who run companies will look at their broken hearted employees and abusively yell at them to channel their sadness into energy that will make the company profit. That’s really how gender politics works. There’s no middle ground and I think that’s why some people don’t enjoy office work as much as they say they do. It’s either that or the fact that most jobs in offices really are just glorified data entry. So, in short, the Japanese are sometimes quirky and I like that. Yeah, that’s totally what this story is about. [source]

The Post is reporting that Britney Spears’ mooching companion Sam Lufti has had three restraining orders out on him and that he’s probably a psychopath on some level. I feel like this is all old news. I mean, I seriously remember reading about how he was a demanding, erratic, manipulative vampire months ago and even if I hadn’t, it’s not like it would be hard to figure out.
As the minutes go by, it seems, regrettably, that Britney isn’t actually doing this whole “unhinged” routine because she is interested in some kind of self negating performance art that will culminate in a strong statement to Western Culture that it needs to self examine. She’s actually just nuts and people around her are, consequently, opportunistic asses.
I mean, hi, she’s been dating one of her captors.

Plus, Sam Lufti is actually Osama Lufti which could mean he’s a terrorist. I’m aware that his name has been brought up before and the terrorist thing has been alluded to but I just don’t think it’s been alluded to enough. Terror. OOOOoooooOOOOooooo terror.
So, in short, Sam Lufti, Britney’s friend, is probably a murderer. A terror based one. Or something. [source]

New York Magazine has run a really well written profile feature that basically sums up Clay Aiken better than ever before. Basically, he’s that weird blend of L A constructed identity that has an edge to it reminiscent of a hyper focused Republican political campaign; he’s completely quarantined his sexual identity for the sake of marketability:

Surely he must have needs.“Ah think maybe I don’t! I mean, not really. I’ve just kind of shut it off, maybe. Is that bad?”
Because he knows his fan base don’t believe in gay. Or, maybe he’s just too freaked out to realize they probably wouldn’t care. To come out would risk profits and potential. They have a business plan, after all...
Plus, he plays the hick dummy which is essentially what right wingers like Joe Scarborough and Bill O’Reilly do; they channel the simplistic headspace of their primary demographic and then assume a leadership role for that collective of people by explaining how much they don’t know and how unsophisticated they are.

What we can ascertain from this piece is that Clay Aiken is every bit as freakish and weird as has been rumoured; I bet he’s like Reece Witherspoon or Joan Crawford behind closed doors. He gets out his rifle, drops the southern hick accent and demands results from his people. Also, that he’s like Tom Cruise in the sense that he’s probably gay but he’s so focused on work that it’s like he’s rendered himself asexual – well, until he pops up on Manhunt again.
Incidentally, Randy Jones from the Village People told me that Tom Cruise gave him a blow job back in the early 80s. We were at a party the other night and he was completely calm about the story which makes me think it’s true. He doesn’t actually lie about things like that, I guess because he doesn’t really have to. [source]

Photos of Nicole Richie suggest that she’s lost all her baby weight a mere 2 weeks after giving birth. Of course she has, she was already just an animated sack of skin and bone, then she got pregnant, the baby probably caused her to become like one of those completely cyclic eco systems that live in a glass sphere. There’s a plant that gives off oxygen and there’s some water and whatever the hell else there is there and there’s no need for air holes because all the elements inside the ball create just enough of everything for everything else.

That’s what happened to her body. She was a death ridden stick, she got pregnant, ate only enough for the baby, the baby was born, she had nothing left to lose because the baby exited her body with any excess.

Either that or they called in a plastic surgeon to suck and staple and sew her back into her old body right after she’d given birth so it was like an all in one fix-em-up stay in hospital.

After all that, I really resent that I had to type her name actually. I really resent that. I swore I wouldn’t do that until she did something like get a degree in International Relations and go to Rwanda. Here we are though, god, I’ve really failed. [source]

Daniel Day Lewis accepted his award for Best Actor at the SAG Awards and dedicated it to Heath Ledger which is all very well and nice, except that he didn’t actually know Heath Ledger. He first mentioned his reaction to Oprah Winfrey on her show when she was interviewing him about being nominated for an Academy Award and now he’s taken it that step further.

There’s a tiny part of me that is rolling my eyes at this even though Daniel Day Lewis is probably one of the greatest living actors and isn’t a publicity whore. For some reason, down in the depths of my mind, I can’t shake the feeling that he’s just riding a wave and that Heath Ledger now becomes a little like 9/11 in Hollywood – where people start to sup on it.
Like, you just know there are some assistant agents in LA all jittery from too much coke or caffeine who are clamoring for invites to his memorial service. That’s how I react to this kind of thing. It ends up boiling down to a business.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Week # 4 in Review

And just like that, as randomly and instantly as could be imagined, Academy Award nominated Heath Ledger died from something to do with prescription sleeping pills. Preliminary examinations proved to be inconclusive at revealing exactly what caused Ledger to die in his sleep but it was generally accepted that his death was an accident. Warner Brothers acknowledged Ledger’s death by placing the image of a black ribbon on the website pertaining to Ledger’s next film, “The Dark Knight”, the media and crowds of people stood around the front door to the building in which he was living on Broome Street and Fox Radio commentator John Gibson joked about it, calling Ledger a “Weirdo with a “serious drug problem”. Gibson was forced to retract his statement and to apologise. Court TV’s Star Jones wrote an editorial in the Huffington Post calling on people to leave the Ledger family in peace and for the media to cease printing rumours based on anonymous sources and blogger Perez Hilton declined to post some of the more graphic images the removal of Ledger’s body from the apartment in which he was found.

Pop star Britney Spears was again denied visitation rights to her children and was quoted as saying that it was a “wonderful day” when she left the courtroom after being informed of the judge’s decision to continue the denial of her visitation. It was speculated that Spears, in fact, informs the paparazzi of where she will be at any given time to ensure publicity and her on again off again boyfriend Adnan Ghalib was quoted as saying that his relationship with Spears is “far from over”. Spears’ sister Jamie Lynn announced that she would be giving up her baby so that her mother may raise it when she gives birth. This move is to ensure that she has a more normal teenaged life and so that she can continue her Hollywood career.
A 16 year old boy was arrested after he had flown from Los Angeles, California to Nashville, Tennessee and it was discovered that he had plans to hijack a plane in an attempt to commit suicide. He had intended to crash the plane into a Hannah Montana concert. Actress Angelina Jolie was rumoured to be pregnant with twins, actor Eddie Murphy was about to marry his fiancé Tracey Edmonds when his insistence that his mother accompany them on their honeymoon cause them to fight and for the wedding to be called off and soccer star David Beckham was revealed to be responsible for 163 tons of carbon dioxide yearly compared to the normal 9.4 tons the average English person produces.

Musician Lenny Kravitz made the claim that he is celibate and has been for three years, Amy Winehouse was photographed and filmed smoking crack and the Academy Award nominations for 2008 were announced.

In oddball news, 52 percent of Russians, a recent survey revealed, spend at least a third of their home life in the kitchen with 5 percent “practically never leaving the kitchen”, the amount of bicycles stolen in China has halved in the past nine months due to a strict campaign designed to clamp down on theft in preparation for the Olympics.
In further news out of Asia, a study coming out of Japan has revealed that outgoing people are most at risk for being overweight, a Japanese woman named Sachiko Tsukada stole a million dollars for her boyfriend – a man whom she had never actually met but whom she had conversed with entirely online.

In Central America, Mexico City began a bus service designated for use by women only so as to protect them from being relentlessly groped by men while in the United States, Miss South Florida Fair Jessica Wittenbrink made the claim that her dress had been vandalized by someone backstage; she claimed someone had covered it in lipstick but the police found no evidence to suggest that her claims were truthful, a ten month old cat that had climbed into a suitcase which was then taken to the airport, packed on a plane and then accidentally picked up by the wrong person, was returned to its original owner, a Brooklyn mother found a small frog in her lettuce and a woman named Vicky Armstrong revealed that she had spent 19 years collecting pennies and had amassed a total of $550 worth so far.

In Europe, a Spanish driver named Tomas Delgado who had killed a 17 year old cyclist after speeding, decided to sue the dead boy’s family for damages done to his car to the tune of 20,000 Euros and an English bus driver apologised to a girl wearing a dog collar whom he insisted leave his bus. The driver said he was concerned about safety.

“I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don’t cook or clean and I doin’t go anywhere with Dani( her 25 year old boyfriend),” the girl said. “It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It’s my culture and my choice. It isn’t hurting anyone.”

Friday, January 25, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A Japanese woman named Sachiko Tsukada, 30 allegedly stole a million dollars for her "boyfriend" who had emailed her a picture of a good-looking man but shunned contact in person for years, police and reports said Friday. "I thought he would dislike me if I refused to lend money," she was quoted as telling police. This Tsudaka woman sounds like a totally together, happening woman who any man should be proud to be married to. Actually, she sounds delusional after being crippled by loneliness. Her brain just checked out after a while because it was sick of hanging out with her seeing as she had no friends. [source]

A Spanish driver who killed a 17-year old cyclist in a traffic accident is suing the boy's parents for €20,000 for the damage caused to his luxury car. Businessman Tomas Delgado, 43 who faced no criminal charges for the incident despite allegedly travelling at more than 100 mph on a road with a speed limit of 50 mph, is also asking for a further €6,000 to cover the cost of hiring another vehicle while his was being repaired. I was pretty stunned at John Gibson’s exploitation of Heath Ledger this week but I wasn’t surprised because it was media and media people are cut throat self promoters and its business. This, however, is a real doozy. What a charming man Tomas Delgado must be. I certainly am not really enchanted by the thought of dating him. What’s the bet he thinks of himself as a real alpha male lover who beats his partners while having sex and likes to think he’s an accomplished rapist but in reality he’s a whining brat who stamps his foot when he doesn’t get ice cream. Maybe the family should all shit in a suitcase for a month and then send that to him. It’s just an idea. [source]

A 16 year old boy was arrested after he had flown from Los Angeles, California, to Nashville, Tennessee, on Southwest Airlines Flight 284 and it was discovered that he had plans to hijack a plane in an attempt to commit suicide. He had intended to crash the plane into a Hannah Montana concert in Lafayette, Louisiana.
Its interesting when pop culture celebrities become something that inspires insane rage and hatred in the general public. Here Miley Cyrus is inspiring jihadist behaviour but previously the Olsen twins inspired PETA to aim its unresolved teenaged angst gun at them when they were depicted as trolls, Jessica Simpson has been blamed for weeks for the poor performance of the Dallas Cowboys simply because she was dating Tony Romo, or is dating him still. Who knows? The rumours fluctuate depending on how much people want to beat her into the ground.

Everything about the suicidal kid aside, if you’re Miley Cyrus, DO you start to assess the impact you’re having on culture? I’m just putting that out there. [source]

Star Jones has taken the high road on the reportage of Heath Ledger’s death and has criticised the media for the way they’ve handled the grizzlier parts of the story. I’m always vehemently distrustful of Star Jones because she’s an insanely self promoting narcissist who married a gay man but insists we all play along but here she’s being essentially reasonable. She wrote:

Might I suggest that we in the media, instead of reporting on the dead based on gossip, rumor, innuendo and anonymous sources, choose to honor this man's memory based on his talent and the good taste we all should be exercising. My heart goes out to the family of Heath Ledger.

And the thing is, most media outlets are actually reporting it as it comes up and making clear distinctions between what is considered rumour and what is known to be true. They have been pretty good about it. Even Perez Hilton is not using photos he thinks are distasteful. He posted:

Heath Ledger's family will arrive in New York City on Friday from Australia.

Out of respect for their privacy, we won't name the funeral home the service will take place in. It'd be nice if the media left his family alone on that day, but we don't think that will happen.
Ledger's ex, Michelle Williams, and daughter, Matilda, arrived at their Brooklyn home on Wednesday. They were greeted by hordes of paparazzi. So wrong.

We didn't use those pics. Nor did we use the pics of Ledger's body being taken out of his apartment.

And we won't use pics from outside the funeral parlor.

Hopefully others will follow suit.

Even though they’re both totally not the same type of person, the way the media are handling this compared with the way they handled Anna Nicole Smith’s death is astonishing. It’s alarming what a little talent will do. [source] [source]

The viral marketing site that has been promoting Heath Ledger’s last film, The Dark Knight, has placed a black ribbon on the front couple of web pages as a sign of respect regarding his sudden death this week.

It’s weird how these things work because they sort of walk a fine line between having to acknowledge reality and existing entirely within their own world. Suffice to say, The Dark Knight will now be a huge deal with basically no work needing to be done by Warner Brothers. I mean, they’ll have to do work but it’ll pretty much run itself. [source]

It’s rumoured that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins and two things come to mind about this.
One, when Nicole Ritchie was pregnant the only thing I could think of was that the child inside her would eventually grow to the extent where it would surpass her in body weight, gradually consume her and then hatch from the meager flesh egg her body would become seeing as she was Posh Spice thin, minus the silicon.

Angelina Jolie may be part jaguar but her feline efficiency and ability to see well at night is only really kept in check by the fact that she’s maddeningly thin. Can her body sustain one kid, let alone two?

Plus, it’s already been proven that she likes her own offspring far less than the kids she and Brad Pitt have collected from around the world so in many ways, her getting pregnant is somewhat like giving a new child to Lynn Spears. Why go there again? Mind you, Shiloh Pitt is probably going to grow up and just be some ethereal muse with long wispy blond hair living in an apartment in Paris fluttering around the place in white chiffon offering pure truthful insights into people’s auras so, maybe twins will be endowed with Wonder Twin Powers.

Yeah, kick out a few kids Angelina. It’ll do the world good to have living demigods walking about. [source]

Fox’s John Gibson was forced to apologise for his remarks about Heath Ledger being a “weirdo” with a “serious drug addiction” and for opening his show by playing the funeral march and inserting soundgrabs from Brokeback Mountain.

The whole process of protecting advertiser revenue by quarantining the oft inane, hateful ramblings of the lucrative right wing talking heads is now, post-Imus, quite well rehearsed and so that’s why this has taken only a day or so to come out.

It’s still all about advertising revenue and John Gibson is still a tool.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A Brooklyn mother was about to make a salad when she found a tiny frog in her lettuce. She freaked out a bit but then just got over it and gave it to her daughter who fed it flies and lettuce. Then they gave the frog to an amphibian and reptile care center. Well, shit, I’m just astonished at that. I mean, can you imagine? A frog in lettuce. A small god damned frog in lettuce. I mean, I’m not sure I can go on with this new information about the world. [source]

Vicki Armstrong spent almost 19 years saving pennies so she could save $550, which isn't much of an accomplishment — except that she did it one penny at a time. "She would see a penny in the road and just stop," her husband said. "I would to have to do circles just to let her catch up." What a lucky man I imagine her husband is and no doubt, what a fascinating and lively woman Ms. Armstrong would be too. I mean, she’d clearly be the life of a party with her relentlessly fascinating and vibrant tales of penny finding and storing. I am going to track her down now and invite her to an all expenses paid weekend in New York. I just have a feeling we’d get along. I wonder what she will DO with that $550. Put some of it in a pillow case in order to beat her own face until the control freak in her is unconscious I would suggest. Obviously, no one has asked. [source]

China has halved the number of bicycles stolen to about 2 million in the past nine months, police said on Thursday, following a campaign to clamp down on theft months before its capital hosts the Olympics and it’s nice to see some of the rules they’ve set up based on frantic mindless whims actually paying off. I’d be interested to find out how the anti-swearing rules are working out. Still, it’s good that bikes are not being stolen. With an international sports contest arriving in less than a year it’s good that the bikes will still be there. Of course, so will the mystery meat but that’s another story. [source]

the New York Post reports that Eddie Murphy was about to marry his fiance, Tracey Edmonds in Bora Bora but seeing as he turned into freaking psychopath and started attacking her and insisting that his mother accompany them on the honeymoon, she’s backed out a bit and now just wants to be friends.
The Post quotes a source as saying:

"She was happy to sign a prenup - she has her own money. She was very accommodating. But then it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Eddie became very controlling and they got into a huge fight. He started screaming at her and grabbed her. She was scared."

Being friends with Murphy on those terms is fine and I see no reason for her to terminate their relationship. After all, Murphy certainly hasn’t terminated his relationship with delusional freakdom. What’s the deal with having multiple identities right now? With rumours about Britney having Multiple Personality Disorder, it really begs the question: Is multiple personality disorder the new rehab? I certainly hope so, imagine all the new people we’ll get to meet! [source]

Britney Spears was again denied visitation rights to her kids and when she left the courtroom, reporters asked her how she was going and she replied that she was having a “wonderful day”. It’s nice to see that a fragment of her old, highly trained self is still there in the sense that she’s still able to smile and force out innocuous, fake happiness despite the fact that she’s rapidly approaching the mental illness boil.

Apart from that, there’s not much to say. She can’t see her kids. Good. K-Fed should take them to Europe and raise them in France. I mean, why not? Oh, he’s an idiot that’s why. Whatever, there’s no news here. [source]

Jamie Lynn Spears has decided to have her child and then give it up to her mother, Lynn Spears to raise rather than to soldier on with it as a 16 year old Hollywood kid mother. Apparently, she doesn’t understand the implications of having a kid and Lynn Spears wants her to have a career and to be a teenager and go out with friends.

Of course Lynn Spears wants Jamie Lynn to have a career. How else is she going to keep herself in furs while she trains a replacement? With a new kid she as a new little project she can start forming into the uber-celebrity child beast she has been honing her show mother skills to create for the past 26 years. She really messed up the first one, the second one seems still pretty squeaky except for, of course, the teenaged sex she’s been having with either her dumb ass 18 year old boyfriend or the older pederast TV executive at Nickelodeon. Lynn has learned what she did wrong and now she has a chance to create the ultimate earning machine robot.
The first words that kid is going to hear are “Don’t you look at me and cry! SMILE. NOW, from the top! Five, six, seven, eight!” [source]

I thought that maybe it was impossible for this week to become any more of a complete ass rape than it already has become but the raping continues with reports out of Fox that David Beckham and his 15 cars is responsible for 163 tons of carbon dioxide yearly — compare that to the normal 9.4 tons the average Englishman produces.

As far as I was concerned the Beckham duo was like a really basic dichotomy of cultural extremes you could set your watch to. David was the talented, beautiful, calm, egoless humanitarian underwear model soccer star and Posh was the talentless, self starved ego maniac nagging fish wife gorgon shopping addict who supped on his soul. Together they formed an unbeatable team that harnessed celebrity power better than nearly everyone out there. One could not exist without the other and yet they maintained completely opposing manifestos. Like God and Satan. Yes, that’s a reasonable analogy. Like God and Satan.
Apparently, that’s now not the case and as a result everything I knew to be true has been destroyed and now I don’t know who I am any more. I’m sort of ambivalent anyway and that’s even worse. God, everything really is completely ruined. I still blame Posh. She probably forced David to use that petrol. He was sitting there in his little white shorts and a t shirt suggesting politely that they ride bikes at the park and she lay back laughing maniacally, covered in pork fat so she would tan faster while dropping Trim Spa tablets into her morning martini and DEMANDED that they buy more cars and fly in private jets to go on their seal clubbing holiday. That’s the story I’m sticking with. [source]

It’s taken two days for the exploitation of Heath Ledger’s death to start, and it always WAS going to start, and kicking off the whole thing is Fox News’ John Gibson who more or less set aside his entire show for the purposes of making fun of Heath Ledger as a a “weirdo” with a “serious drug problem.”

Here’s a bit of a transcript:

On yesterday’s drop in the stock market:

GIBSON: Maybe he had a serious position in the market.

TOM SULLIVAN: And possibly today, he looked at the window and said…

GIBSON: “Oh my God.”

SULLIVAN: His name’s not Keith Bledger, right?

GIBSON: He was depressed about yesterday’s downturn in the world stock markets.
On the Democratic debate in South Carolina:

GIBSON: Apparently Heath Ledger was suicidal and his friends saw it coming. I think he watched the Clinton-Obama debate last night. I think he was an Edwards guy, cause he saw his Edwards guy was just completely irrelevant.

In reality, New York City Police spokesman Paul J. Browne told the New York Times that there was “no obvious indication of suicide.”

This is really just the good old reliable and lucrative Ann Coulter business model. I mean, I Coulter didn’t invent it but she’s such an obvious whackjob that it’s easy to figure out what’s going on if you use her name. That’s actually half the point.

It’s the same thing each time; something happens evoking genuine human concern and then some talking head who needs to sell a few books systematically and insensitively lampoons it. I suspect that people who listen to right wing talk back radio are generally angry and frustrated with their lives and this kind of mindless antagonism somehow provides them with catharsis and the feeling that someone in power understands their frustration with being poor and working hard. Then we all talk about it; outraged. That’s all it is.

Plus, to be fair, it’s not always right wingers who use this business model. Germaine Greer uses it all the time in the most obvious way. Any time she needs a little press she’ll describe Australia as parochial and culturally stunted because Australia reacts badly to that kind of statement and lashes out at her. More recently she said Princess Diana wasn’t really the fashion icon she is made out to be.

Actually, kicking off the wave of Heath Ledger exploitation was a Church in Kansas but I don’t think we need to really name them. They’re like a spoilt child who acts out if you pay attention. I mean, all these people do but they're particularly bad. [source]

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A 10 month old cat climbed into a suitcase which was then taken to the airport, put through an X-ray machine, put on a plane, accidentally picked up by the wrong person and transported to Fort Worth, Texas where it was finally discovered and sent back to its owners on a plane for 80 bucks. Here’s the thing, maybe that cat was trying to escape to a better life and maybe it would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for so many damned meddling kids. Yeah so, in short; cat, snuck on plane in luggage, lost a few lives, back home, ok. The end. [source]

Speaking of pets on public transport, a bus company has apologised to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus. "I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani (the 25 year old boyfriend),”the girl said. “It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone." The driver retracted his calling her a dog, which he did, and said that he was concerned about the safety of having a chain and dog collar on while she was on a bus. Anything could have happened. I mean, look, she sounds like a fuckwit and her boyfriend sounds like an insecure, manipulative douchebag but the old “I was concerned for public safety” line is basically the same as saying that gay marriage is an assault on the sanctity of marriage. I’m with the girl and her boyfriend on this. Although you know they’re total pot smoking sloths who never clean up after themselves. [source]

52 percent of Russians spend at least a third of their home life, with a hardcore of five percent who "practically never leave the kitchen," according to the poll by the Social Opinion centre, published by the Rossiiskaya Gazeta newspaper. I’m just wondering they were hoping to find in the beginning? Was this a poll about which room people spend most time in? I mean, JESUS, thank GOD someone pioneered that. Regardless, of COURSE Russians spend so much time in the kitchen. Because of the bitter cold they have to constantly be laboring, cooking and eating because everything has to be stone ground. Plus, the kitchen is probably warm. [source]