Friday, March 30, 2007

Week #13 in Review

In a move that drew praise from political and media figures across the spectrum of political affiliations, Elizabeth Edwards announced that her cancer has returned and will probably result in her death sooner rather than later but that this will not deter her from pushing ahead in support of her husband, John Edwards’ bid for the 2008 presidency.

The Anna Nicole Smith saga continued to provide intellectual sanctuary from the steadily worsening state in Iraq as the cause of death for Anna Nicole was officially announced to be by overdose of prescription medication and despite the fact that this assessment was made by a professional charged with the duty of ascertaining cause of death, Fox News offered up its theory that caffeine overdose may have contributed as well. With the passing of the major climax point that was “her cause of death” Entertainment Tonight started to drum up interest in the inquest into what actually might have killed Daniel Smith, something that had already more or less been ascertained a few weeks after his death and at the same time they drew melodramatic and needless parallels regarding the chemicals involved in Anna Nicole’s death and the death of Marilyn Monroe. Just in case you weren’t thinking about it enough.

Britney Spears emerged from hiding ten pounds thinner with apparently radiant skin and a toothache which caused her to be taken to the hospital to see a dentist, however reports blew coverage of her tooth pain into a media alert saturated emergency but all the action and fascination with Britney’s teeth and her face and body didn’t deter her from putting the finishing touches on her divorce settlement with ex-husband Kevin Federline who is to share physical custody of their children and will get a million dollars – no doubt concluding the point of the marriage for him once and for all.

Ryan Seacrest, awash with fresh profit panic after the gay reference by Simon Cowell on American Idol and with a new reality series launching on cable, had a woman explain in the media the extent to which he is not gay, Eminem and his sometimes wife Kim Mathers stated publicly that they will no longer bicker in public or in front of their child Hailey, and the kiss between Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston on the season finale of Cox’s series, Dirt went to air causing soul crushing disappointment the nation over.

Further soul crushing disappointment continued on American Idol, at least for the pointless woman who is currently starving herself until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off, when Sanjaya survived another round more than likely due to a complex mixture of his hair and his non-threatening, ambiguously bisexual ability to flirt with all sexes and to hula dance and Donatella Versace announced that her daughter Allegra is anorexic and currently in hospital.

Karl Rove let what is left of his hair down at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Association dinner in Washington DC when he rapped with the cast of “Who’s Line is it Anyway” referring to himself as “M C Rove” and Prince Harry let his personality out walking outside after a few too many drinks at a London nightclub and being accosted by paparazzi whom he allegedly assaulted.

Wolfgang Puck announced that he’d only be serving meat that is humanely treated, Bruce Willis turned 52 and made out gratuitously and in public with Courtney Love and Jenna Jameson missed repeated meetings focused on turning her book “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star” into a film because she was recovering from vaginoplasty and the healing hadn’t quite finished.

In excess of 8000 North Dakota residents banded together in the winter snow to record the largest ever collective performance of “angels in the snow”, the world’s tallest man married a woman nearly half his size, a British man was officially recognized as the first man to run around the entire world after five years of running and the largest cane toad was found in Darwin, Western Australia weighing in at close to double the size of your average toad.

Reinforcing some good old fashioned FEAR in his followers in order to tighten the reins, the Pope announced that while Limbo was no longer a part of the Catholic faith, Hell is both real and thriving and full throttle moral fear should be felt at the thought of being banished there, a survey of 31 million Americans revealed that approximately one third of Americans do not see any point to the Internet.

A Ukrainian energy company saw no problem in initiating a campaign to get local residents to pay their bills by putting up menacing posters of Joseph Stalin that promised people who didn’t pay their bills would be punished and Jews in Israel were reminded by a pro-Marijuana party that pot is, in fact, not kosher and should be avoided at Passover.

Students at a Bangladesh University had been, unbeknownst to them, regularly served either dog or fox meat by their cafeteria and when they discovered what was happening, the chef was fired while in Long Island, New York students were being fed donuts laced with laxatives. A Michigan sewage treatment plant inexplicably lost track of 15 million gallons of partially treated sewage which appeared to simply vanish in mid air while a village was showered with the same type of liquid – water and frothy fecal matter – after a reservoir collapsed and 5 people were killed.

US scientists created a sheep that contained 15% human organs, the Catholic Church demanded that a Hotel in Chelsea, New York take down a sculptural representation of Jesus Christ showing him completely naked and made out of chocolate and the Hotel caved in and removed the exhibit and Marjan Pejoski launched his new line of heels for men.

France remained essentially ambivalent about the faddish intolerance of ultra thin models within the fashion industry stating that it wouldn’t instigate a compulsory ban on thin models – only a voluntary one. Karl Lagerfeld, in defense of his own use of ultra thin models was quoted as saying, “They have skinny bones.”
Celebrity Madness

TMZ reported concern yesterday that the completely together woman who is currently starving herself (excluding multi-vitamins, water and those secret late night frosting inhalations that keep the tears at bay for a few hours) until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off American Idol had not updated her inane myspace blog and so they immediately speculated that she was dead. Because, everything is a potential news story even the absence of news. Today, it appears, she is not dead and she was quoted on her blog as saying “"It's [the attention from TMZ] is helping to get me through a rough time. Don't worry though, I'm still alive.". So, while she’s not dead, neither is Sanjaya’s chance at winning the entire thing. [source]

Britney and K Fed settle up with the divorce and it all seems fairly amicable. They share custody of the children and K-Fed gets a million dollars which of course was his entire point so his work here is, finally, done. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

In another hilarious cafeteria based prank, and this time it’s actually funny (unlike that Bangladesh chef who fed everyone dog or fox). 18 students were fed donuts laced with laxatives and they got all upset. If you look at this another way, it’s actually kind of a gift. The chef may have been concerned about the type of food his budget allowed and as a result he was protesting and rescuing the kids in the only way he knew how. Harm minimization. If he couldn’t stop them from eating the junk, the least he could do was make sure if didn’t remain in their systems long enough to give them cancer or contribute to their pending obesity related death. Shame on his firers. SHAME [source]

While reports that the Department of Homeland Security were involved in a paranoid massed banning of the film TRON were fictional, is there something going on underneath here that Disney doesn’t want us to know about? Is Disney, in fact, secretly looking for a way to disguise the fact that they desperately want to be rid of thousands of copies of TRON that no one wants but they’re too embarrassed to throw them in the garbage out back? Truthfully though, Disney really has had to alter its products due to the fear tactic happy Government. For years, the soundtrack to Aladdin contained the lyric "Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face..." which, due to a national security panic, had to be changed to "Where it's flat and immense and the heat is intense...". Just in case we pissed off the violent extremist Middle Easterners who enjoy a good animated feature every now and then and who would attack us by calling them barbaric. Hoax or no hoax; the basic fact remains: if you don’t stop children from seeing or hearing these minute arbitrary cultural nuances they will definitely kill everyone. Just as there is no room for hesitation with the DHS there apparently is no room for calm rational thought either. [source]

Celebrity Madness

Following on from yesterday’s authenticity saturated public appearance in the Bronx J Lo is banned from one chain of stores because the owner claims she has turned her back on the Hispanic community. While it would be astounding to see the PR plan to assert J Lo as a self obsessed, elitist celebrity who couldn’t care less – a verbal image of which was posted here yesterday in graphic detail – the store owner is the one who comes off looking like a needy idiot, not J Lo. He is complaining that she won’t come and do promos in store and that he helped her become the huge celebrity she now is but it appears far more like that the absence of her validating stare is what is driving his frustrated commoner self mad. She can’t possibly be accused of turning her back on the Latino community as a whole when the entire of her new album is sung in Spanish. Sorry but J Lo actually wins this round. [source]

After ten thousand rough, camera recorded miles had been pummeled into her, Jenna Jameson apparently goes in to have the well worn canyon her vagina has no doubt become pulled back to its pre-teen level of tightness with a little vaginoplasty and apparently recovery from that kind of industrial mining isn’t so smooth sailing. Ms. Jameson has been convalescing at home, unhappy that the old cash machine isn’t up to professional working standards and has been missing meetings with a company that wants to turn her book into a film. Priorities are priorities.

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Right on cue: Catholics are upset with a sculpture of Jesus Christ about to go on display in Chelsea that is made out of chocolate and shows Christ completely naked. They’ve called for a boycott of the Roger Smith Hotel in Manhattan, home of the Lab Gallery that is showing the piece which should really cripple the business of those involved. After all, as everyone knows, the primary demographic for a hotel in Chelsea and abstract sculpture are not just Catholics, but the kind of Catholics who would immediately follow suit whenever the Church tells them who to ignore and who to like. Yeah, Chelsea is swarming with those kind of Catholics.

The Church says it is seeking to punish the Hotel exhibiting the piece because the Hotel is responsible for bring the artwork into the mainstream which completely skips over the fact that whenever the Catholic Church bans something or gets offended, it’s usually for reasons so ludicrous and inane that the international media covers the story en masse. That's the reason this story is currently being reported by more than 300 papers and websites worldwide. No, their disapproval certainly didn’t help push images of the sculpture into the mainstream at all. No, no, no. Some people pray to be banned by the Catholic Church. It pays dividends. [source]
Maintaining the same imperious disregard for popular causes that led them to continue nuclear testing in the South Pacific during early 90s despite the horrified public outcry against them, France will also not follow with Spain and uphold an outright ban skinny models. They will make the intolerance voluntary meaning that it’s suggested you eat when you’re a model in France but you don’t have to.
To a certain extent, France is to be commended for standing up and stating that they won’t follow along like the sycophant, fad-obsessed fashionistas who claim to support the ban but ultimately can’t actually feel anything let alone concern for the health of their models. And frankly, Karl Lagerfeld has, on previous occasion, thoroughly explained the thinness of his models away when he said, “They have skinny bones”. What more of an explanation is needed after that? In fact, its astounding Lagerfeld isn’t running for President. Of everywhere. The ban on thin models won’t be held up anyway. In a few months, no one will remember a thing about it. [source]

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Celebrity Madness

Who exactly is actually tiresome enough to be shocked or even effected by South Park anymore? Matt Stone and Trey Parker drag out the same old tiresome reactionary white male humour that they dredge up for every single episode of South Park and this time, the episode involves the Queen of England killing herself when she learns that a British plot to recolonize America has failed. At this point, their plots have got to just be the product of a market researched formula; they tap into what people hold up as pure and then they denigrate it and at the end explain how it’s actually ok and that any resulting hysteria from anyone is misplaced anger. South Park is, as every second goes by, becoming the new Tom Green. Would somebody please just tell Matt Stone and Trey Parker that they’re smart and liked and that it really doesn’t matter that they were average students in high school. [source]

In much the same way that Missy Elliot cried poor numerous times as she escorted the camera crew through her opulent, oft surreal and cripplingly expensive apartment on MTV cribs, J Lo returns to the Bronx to show that even though she’s wrapped in the fur of 49 rare albino minks and she supps on the blood of young blond virgins three times a day to ensure a youthful vitality, she is in fact, still just a girl from the Bronx. Who the fuck is buying this shit? How vampiric do PR people get to be before they get fired for sheer audacity? And why, pray tell, does she have to keep TELLING us that, despite being worth about the same as it would cost to buy the Bronx, she’s still just Jenny from the Block? If it forms the basis of her being wouldn’t it be self evident? Could it be that she’s kept that same manifesto and message since the beginning because consumer surveys have repeatedly suggested that it’s the best way to maximize profits? By banking on class anxiety? As if J Lo wasn’t back in her SUV limo as quickly as possible after having to mingle for the suggested period of time to ensure maximum authenticity; with some Puerto Rican slave girl in shackles in the back seat who was briefed to scrape the Bronx off the bottom of her shoes as soon as J Lo sits and tries to put it all behind her. [source]
Celebrity Madness

In an astonishing and rare display of unguarded playfulness, Karl Rove, Bush’s real brain, lets it all hang out at the Radio & Television Correspondent's Association dinner in Washington DC as he raps on stage indicating that he may in fact have a soul. Soul or not, it’s fundamentally weirder when Republicans try and have light hearted fun than when Democrats do. There’s something about the idea of suddenly expecting to be seen as capable of laughing at your own performative lack of dignity that Republicans just seem less capable of. One minute they’re aligning themselves with simple unironic morality, absolute truth and divine honor and the next they’re rapping? It’s not impossible but it’s slightly odd-er. Kind of like those awkward Christian evangelist surfers. Oh, THOSE people need to be stopped at all costs. [source]

Expert toxicologists are theorizing with Fox News that Anna Nicole died due to her massive consumption of caffeine. The theory goes that she drank so much soda that it interacted with her cipro antibiotics. Then, while incoherent due to insomnia, she overdosed on chloral hydrate. There were so many other drugs in her system at the same time as those too – charmingly enough- the article notes that there was methadone in Smith’s bile which really brings back into focus the actual smoke and mirrors reality that was Anna Nicole Smith. Sure she appeared drugged and woozy on ET but who knew she was covered in abscesses, scars and that there was methadone in her bile. Also, what celebrity dies and then has their bile talked about? [source] runs the story that Leonardo DiCaprio was seen looking at a Hustler magazine and provides this footage with the story as the basis when in actual fact there is no footage of the magazine he was reading. He was reading a magazine NEAR a Hustler but nothing shows him actually looking at it. What kind of story is this? Leo may have read Hustler? Ok, sure. Why not? What else is there? [source]
Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Students at Bangladesh Dhaka University can breathe a sigh of relief at lunch now because they know for CERTAIN that they aren’t eating dog and for many of them, a vast majority even, that’s a good thing. The chef who ran the cafeteria at the university up until his firing this week took it upon himself to use dog meat in student food and not tell anyone. Elaborate horrifiying prank or genius cost cutting measure? YOU decide. [source]

While you’d immediately think that it was flowing relentlessly out of Ann Coulter’s mouth, she’s been unusually quiet since the “faggot” incident, so Michigan sewage treatment professionals are stumped. No one can figure out where 15 million gallons of partially treated sewage has gone. One minute it was there and the next minute it was nowhere to be seen. Sort of like Ann Coulter again, really. This is really really weird though because it was being held in a 250,000 sq foot lake and those are not easy to infiltrate without anyone knowing. Sadly, earlier this week in Gaza, plenty of people know where the sewage flowed to when a reservoir collapsed showering a village with an unpleasant combination of frothy water and fecal matter killing 5 people and nauseating the rest. Is this what happens when Ann Coulter is silenced? The shit has to go somewhere…[source] [source]

Even though Limbo was recently cut off the list of real places and things to fear when you’re a Catholic – along with “rational thought” (although admittedly, that didn’t JUST leave the Catholic Church – indeed the Catholic Church seems to be a product of the absence of rational thought in the same way that black isn’t a color – it’s just the absence of light so maybe this is just another excuse to go on about how inane Catholics are) HELL, according to the Pope, is still a very real and burny place for anyone who doesn’t riddle themselves with endless guilt and donate their potential for independent though to the Church. And, you know what, thank you Pope “Card carrying member of the Hitler Youth” Benedictine for that announcement because sometimes, when we’ve had a chance to escape the panic stricken fear we start to forget. It’s hard to keep up with divine unchanging truth when it changes so quickly ... [source]

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Celebrity Madness

Maybe it is the fact that she sees her future physical self as the live human version of that muppet named Janice laid out before her in her mother, Donatella Versace, or maybe it is just because she’s young and rich and is endlessly surrounded by professionally thin and beautiful people so she was always destined to fill time by not eating. Whatever the reasons are, Allegra Versace is really anorexic. She is actually in hospital though, not rehab so she gets originality points there and also authenticity points too. Kudos to her. Hope you can finally get over it, eat something and put on some weight, kid. Cause you’re aaalllright. [source]

Someone, it seems, is a little overworked in the Britney camp but, when you think about it, are we surprised? Britney’s bodyguard gets carried away and pulls a handgun, aiming it at a photographer who is sitting in a car waiting to take shots of her. He then pulls the guy out of his car and handcuffs him. Because, in case we forget, it’s not acceptable to take photos of a young pop star who is more famous than God who recently had a complete breakdown, disappeared and who only recently emerged from seclusion. What is acceptable and reasonable is the fact that a security guard can act like a law enforcement officer. Who knew they had handcuffs? [source]

Heading off her recently released convict father from edging his way into her entourage before his ascent/descent even begins, Lindsay Lohan warns her father from coming near her or the sister. Because when it comes to freeloading parents who act like irresponsible children, Li Lo only has room in her life for her mother. [source]
Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Fresh from his recent embarrassing Hepatitis infected round of functions in LA – the ones where he refused to name which parties had contained infected appetizers – Wolfgang Puck is interested in everyone’s well being again. This time, he’s making a concerted effort to only serve food that hasn’t died a cripplingly painful death – which sadly means no foie gras – even though studies have found that not all foie gras is the result of animal torture. Regardless, is it really meaningful to express a sincere regard for the well being of the animals you cut up and bake but to decide not to wholeheartedly apologise and own up to the Hepatitis scare that was inflicted on actual people? [source]

Fresh from his recent dolphin saving triumph a few months ago in China where he was called upon to reach his ginormously long arms deep into the gullet of a couple of dolphins who had mistakenly eaten plastic and were on the verge of death - Bao Xishun the world’s tallest man marries a woman who is more than two feet shorter than he is. [source]

North Dakota residents who apparently have nothing else to do – wait, as if that’s any kind of bizarre discovery – have all banded together to create the world’s largest snow angel and they’ve done it. The Guinness Book of Records has made it official now that more than 8000 people got together laid down in the snow and moved a bit.[source]
Celebrity Madness

In addition to Entertainment Tonight drawing sensational and fluff packed chloral hydrate based comparisons between Anna Nicole Smith’s death and Marilyn Monroe’s death that they claim are eerie, it is revealed that Anna Nicole was just DYING to play Marilyn Monroe on the big screen. So desperate, it seems, that she offered to bank roll the entire thing. The producers more or less considered her a multi faceted liability and didn’t give her the role. [source]

Upping the ante – presumably because as the weeks go by, he needs more and more of a distraction from the fact that he is essentially talentless – Sanjaya Malakar is STILL on American Idol. This time his hair is up in an exaggerated faux hawk style constructed of several smaller pony tails and that appears to be enough for the voting American public. That’s all they want. Hair. [source]

If there was any doubt that what drives the majority of hype is the most basic, hetero male sexual response then the totally and utterly anti-climactic kiss between Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston on Dirt removed it. But, regardless of everything, the fact remains; if two women kiss – the entire world stops what its doing and stares. [source]

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Marjan Pejoski, the designer who managed to flawlessly merge two cultural entities when he dressed Bjork for the 2001 Academy Awards; namely Bjork herself and a pregnant goose that laid an egg so to speak on the red carpet is back . This time it’s with high heels (meels) and leggings (maleggings) for men.

Seeing as the majority of men are heterosexual how is he marketing these sensational new concepts to men? Well, the professional images circulating on the Internet (like the one to the left) have a gaunt, androgynous male model in the maleggings and meels standing legs akimbo. That’s more or less all we have to go on so far besides a few editorial mentions on blogs and at this point Pejoski's marketing team are completely off the mark.

First up, these designs are stunning - let's get that out and move on. They're beautiful. Ok, great done.
NOW - appears that the main design and aesthetic elements that are meant to target males are ones that relate to fashion that hasn’t resonated since 16th Century and then later by the French which is fine. Where this campaign falls however, is in the fact that the shoes themselves are being worn by a male styled so femininely that he retains only enough “male” to merely technically be considered “male” when it comes to vital statistics. The model really beams out far more femininity than masculinity.

And you know what, that's great. If you’re a male who wants to dress like a French courtier or you’d like to rinse away indications of your own masculinity then, buying these meels seems like the way to go.

But, is putting men who look like women into high heels really blending the notion of MEN and HEELS together? Isn’t it far more accurate to describe that as blending femininity into men and then putting that into a pair of heels – which is certainly not new, hell, it’s the premise for a theme restaurant in the East Village.

When the Met had its exhibition of men in skirts, the models were al alpha males in skirts which was a cultural merging that was really astounding and translated. Marjan needs to get the twink out of the heels and throw in a tall lean, alpha muscle Iowa farm boy instead. That would be interesting. The way it is, this image is no more progressive than Happy Valley used to be on Tuesday night. [source] I got the accompanying image from and the photo credit goes to Marjan Pejoski
Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Jacques Chirac attends his last EU summit this week because he’s decided not to run for President of France again and as a token of appreciation for his attendance, the German Chancellor presents him with an antique German beer mug featuring a depiction of the Ottoman Turks being defeated by the French in the 18th Century. The Turkish Foreign Minister is outraged at the cultural faux pas. This compounds Turkey’s annoyance at not being invited to the birthday of the EU despite being a candidate for membership. [source]

After being found guilty of a series of horrific bomb attacks in Bosnia which luckily killed no one, Mladen Kragulj is sentenced to ten months prison. His sentence is not as harsh as it normally might have been because Kragulj confesses he was motivated to force potential devastation on random strangers by love. Because after all, his motivations were poetically noble so, you know. [source]

The first man to ever literally run all around the world is officially recognized in the Guinness Book of Records after he presented officials with a huge collection of film, credit card receipts and recorded testimony. The British, always ready to cut someone down to size, expressed skepticism at his claim until he proved that he had in fact run around the world. The journey took more than 5 years. [source]
More Celebrity Madness

Angelina Jolie’s brother (who knew?) is worried she’s too thin. But wait, it’s not because she’s a publicity hungry narcissist like the kid adopted by Lionel Ritchie who shall remain unnamed because paying attention merely enables her. It’s actually because she’s grieving as a result of the death of her mother. Her brother James suggests that he is going through the same thing as well. For some reason, I’m hesitant to be hard core cynical about Angelina Jolie’s weight issues – saying things like, oh, how interesting that her brother has stepped in to tell people it’s actually not about vanity, it’s about her depth of emotional response to an understandable yet ultimately temporary tragedy thus getting her off the hook and talking about her humanity. No, that would be unfair. She’s a class act and people do lose weight because of depression and sadness. [source]

Jeremy Piven pulls the old “Don’t you know who I am?” ranting routine at a restaurant in Los Angeles throwing another log on the firey idea that he’s actually not that great an actor, that he’s actually exactly like his pushy, demanding, egotistical LA showbiz asshole character Ari Gold, on Entourage. [source]

Now that we know Anna Nicole’s death was more or less as expected, it’s time to focus obsessively on the death of her son (again) because otherwise there’d be a lull in the story between now and when we find out who the father of the kid is, who gets to keep the kid and – more importantly – how much money the kid is worth. That’s not going to be for a while and for the money they paid, Entertainment Tonight are simply not going to let the story die. It’s THEIR’S dammit. [source]
Celebrity Madness

Is P Diddy maddeningly obese all of a sudden? Let’s all hope so. However, while there’s no way to tell for sure seeing as the link on this source (not the one on the left - the one from below) shows only one photo of him sitting and they could have done anything to the photo to milk a mindless story out of it – he does look rather rotunned except his face is still more or less angular. Hip hop fashion is fundamentally inspired by the attire prisons make their prisoners wear – ie. really baggy and shapeless because if you aesthetically link yourself to the credibility of doing hard time it doesn’t mean you have a social disorder and an inability to operate like a functioning person in society, it means you are really macho and tough. Maybe he’s just fashionably macho and tough. So, while this entire story is nothing more than speculation with no solid fact basis; to recap: he may be chronically obese and…while we’re at it, near death. Yes, he might be near death too. A FAT related death. Right. That appears to clear that up. Next course PLEASE! [source]

Britney goes out and is photographed weighing less than she did when she went into rehab. Her skin also apparently looks good after numerous facials which is reassuring news seeing as she paid a mint to stay at Promises Center and it would be terrible to think that these high end rehab places are just complete scams that form part of an elaborate and ultimately exploitative part of the celebrity PR machine. How genius of TMZ to speculate about her full recovery. While it’s clearly far to early to tell if she’s functioning again, and – judging by the extent to which she flipped out, she probably will improve in increments not in one big leap just because of a few facials and a couple of shots of wheatgrass- if she IS substantially better they can run with that story and if she messes up in the public eye and drinks (shock horror) they can report on a bigger downfall. [source]

Eminem and his sometimes wife, Kim Mathers publicly state that they will stop bickering about how much they hate each other both in front of their 11 year old girl and everyone else in the world via the media. This, of course, doesn’t include Eminem performing songs from his catalogue that include clear descriptions of how he would like to kill Kim in various extremely violent ways. Because, cutting off that would cost record companies money. So, in conclusion, in the interests of the child, Eminem can only get on stage and express his wishes of violence toward Kim Mathers in front of thousands of people all over the world and also his previous professional recordings of these songs can still be sold all over the world but they just can’t say it in person in front of the kid or to a reporter. DONE. [source]
Today in Extraordinarily Odd

The largest cane toad ever is found in Darwin, Western Australia. It weighs in at double what the normal toxic toads weigh and has provided for a lovely photo opportunity for Darwin resident Bob Gonion to hold up the beast for photographers to capture him in his moment of triumph. A moment that will, no doubt, be relived for generations to come around the Gonion dinner table with a framed, yellowing cut out hanging proudly on the wall in the hall. [source]

Women in Switzerland can finally breathe a sigh of relief instead of sweating and (probably) vomiting in terror as they try and find a parking space from now on. Where women were apparently forced to forego parking spots due to the fact that Swiss men were always assertively grabbing them, even the ones reserved for women (!), officials have announced that they will be painting parking spots pink to deter men from parking in them. Pink is such an unmanly color, it is assumed, that men will not go near it for fear of being emasculated after driving their car over a pink rectangle. Is the problem here really being addressed? Actually, what was or is the problem here? Where the fuck am I? [source]

The aesthetic tastes of God, it appears, are slow to be revealed and that includes whether or not God’s chosen people are allowed to get high. Jewish pro-marijuana activists, in a clear effort to get onside with religious organizations in Israel, it seems, are warning people not to get high during Passover as marijuana was deemed un-kosher by recent rulings. Recent or not, though, a ruling means that that’s how divine doctrine actually stood when it comes to marijuana since the beginning of time, don’t you know – it just took until recently for everyone to decipher and understand that divine doctrine. However, if you’re a Sephartic Jew originating from North Africa, you can go ahead. Look, it may be about life directing values based on human interpretation of divine scripture but if you’re from North Africa, everything changes. Got it? [source]

Monday, March 26, 2007

Celebrity Madness

For literally MONTHS, Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death (well, yes, that is debatable – she had sort of been heading towards death for a while what with the obvious death of her soul that probably happened years ago) has provided America with a desperately needed distraction from the Iraq War and the fact that most of them, in 2004, voted to allow a ludicrously corrupt team of fascists to inhabit the White House to oversee the well being of the country and to gradually erode all evidence of American civil rights. Finally, much to the chagrin of Entertainment Tonight who has been dining out on this story since they bought it in the beginning, the creepy and suspiciously media savvy autopsy conductor, Dr Perper, releases a statement explaining that Anna Nicole died due to an overdose of prescription medication. Apparently she wasn’t killed, as it were. Apparently, she could have lived if she had been taken to the hospital earlier. The most unnerving but totally expected thing comes out of the announcement was that Anna Nicole had abscesses on her buttocks. Abscesses being cuts that aren’t healing fast enough. Much like the crippling sadness that plagued Anna Nicole’s soul. Was this really any different to what we all thought anyway – deep down, once we stopped being obsessive and weird about how important this story is? The fact that a doctor said it does allow it to be “official” though so maybe America can move on and get angry about the White House now. [source]

Elizabeth Edwards’ cancer has returned but John Edwards states that he will continue with his bid for the Presidency. It remains to be seen whether this really will influence his appeal in sort of the same way that (vomit) Rush (oh my GOD, I feel ill for saying this) Limbaugh described (I just projectile vomited all over a small innocent child who is now crying) – albeit tactlessly – late last week when he said “that her husband's presidential campaign will continue or end based on whether or not he gets a, 'bump' in the polls because of her illness.". Americans might see her deteriorate in the coming 18 months and may feel Edwards is neglectful of his image-crucial marriage and sick wife (which is not to say it’s an insincere marriage, just that you can’t be unmarried and run for President in the US). Either that or they might feel he is incapable of fully focusing on the intense tasks at hand, namely, Iran and Iraq if his wife is ill. They may feel he needs time and that America has no time to give. [source]

Prince Harry seems to be the British Royal version of Lindsay Lohan this morning as he is all over the UK celeb trash media in photos that show him stumbling out of a club in central London, apparently drunk and allegedly in the process of assaulting a paparazzi photographer. He is scheduled to go to Iraq any minute now so maybe he’s just drinking the pain away. Either that or he’s what? 23 years old and English? Getting drunk on a Saturday night would be a fairly reasonable thing for a 23 year old guy who lived in London to do, in fact, it seems like it might be necessary. [source]

When you have an innocuous and predictably sex-based, money/greed envy centric reality show that’s just launched and you’re the co-host of one of the top rating television shows in the US – across the entire country as well as your own mainstream, commercial radio show – it doesn’t matter how obvious your homosexuality is, you still – apparently – need to deny it to ensure profits remain at full capacity. That’s why you get someone to vouch for your all encompassing heterosexuality in the media. It keeps you in control. Doesn’t it, Ryan Seacrest? [source]

In a report that almost certainly blows the actual facts completely out of proportion, Britney Spears is RUSHED to HOSPITAL to deal with EMERGENCY SURGERY to her teeth. Yes, it is probably no more than a freaking toothache and seeing as she’s insured and everything, she probably got the gas and laughed her way through it. WOW, thank GOD we know about THAT! [source]

Bruce Willis turns 52 and makes out with Courtney Love which kind of makes sense and kind of doesn’t. Is Courtney Love a sex object like Marilyn Monroe where instead of Marilyn singing Happy Birthday to you, Courtney Love will make out with you messily in a nightclub in LA? But, you’d never call either a whore because the story is about being granted access to that kind of iconic sexual icon. Well, it’s sort of whore-esque but not in a dirty, “oh look, that woman is dead on the inside” kind of way. More in a “Drew Barrymore gives Dave Letterman a breast baring lapdance on TV for his birthday” type thing. It’s classy. Either that or both are just nauseatingly desperate and weird and old and weird and please stop doing things. [source]