Thursday, November 30, 2006
Part of the enjoyment of this story is imagining the secret levels of arousal the German policeman more than likely experienced having his pants shreaded by a massive angry Australian bird and the relief he felt at realising he wouldn't have to pay the bird at the end of the experience like he would normally have to.
Apparently, Britney Spears isn't sure the universe saw enough of her vagina the first time so she graciously makes it available for inspection again.
Danny de Vito goes on The View drunk after an all night drinking session with George Clooney and talks about how stupid George Bush is and what it's like to have sex in the White House.
Cruise Corp. and Katie Holmes buy a cottage in England within which to continue their charade of a marriage. Reports emerge that Katie was mysteriously unhappy after the wedding. Perhaps it was the fact that the best man came with them to the Maldives or maybe it was just malcontent with the fact that the entire thing is a complete publicity stunt. It's fun to speculate.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Michael Richards starts the long road through celebrity penance for his racist rant and for not having a publicist equipped to manage the issue well enough.
Britney goes out pants free with Paris and they flash the paparazzi. As seen in the photo, Brit and Par hang out with Linds. Lindsay Lohan only recently accused Paris of throwing something at her at a party. Macro-political implications aside, should these three really be hanging out together? Is it safe to have that much heavily produced, self involved, pop saccharine in one locale at once? Or possibly even on the planet?
Professional religious conservative James Dobson goes on Larry King to talk about the re-programming of shamed crystal smokin', hooker payin' cock suckin' anti-gay Executive Evangelist Ted Haggard. Dobson was asked to help with the brainwashing but claims he doesn't have time to do what's required. He does manage, however, to capitalise on the publicity through his connection with Haggard but makes it clear he barely has any contact or interest in him now. At least he can still be an advocate of ex-gay therapy without being involved in its inevitable failure. Bravo. Way to get out unscathed but still take a dip in the scandal to self promote.
The New York Post reports the earth shattering news that Anderson Cooper talks to a hot guy who wore "a tight T-shirt, cut-off shorts and an earring" in South America. Even though it's shameless and pathetic of the Post, it's still funny that there's no other angle to this report.
Moments after stepping onto the stage in Brisbane, Elton John rushes off stage to vomit.
Friday, November 24, 2006
The Race to Become Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006
In what is apparently becoming a nationwide campaign across England to squeeze every single drop of potential enjoyment out of Christmas, the City Council of Tower Hamlets in London's East End has banned all Christmas decorations for safety reasons and to cut down on electricity.
This week was really focused on the public dissolving of reasonable behaviour among celebrities which obviously made us question how much hope we really have left for humanity. After all, even the previously adorable if not always essentially unmarketable beyond Seinfeld, Michael Richards unleashed a tyraid during which he actually called a black man a “nigger” and it was conveniently caught on tape.
Also caught on tape this week though was the two part interview with O J Simpson entitled “If I Did It” where he describes what he did when he committed murder a decade ago hypothetically but Rupert Murdoch was forced to pull the plug on airing it for decency purposes. Little to no regard for decency was what characterized the actual wedding between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes this week. The actual ceremony took place in Italy and it was reported that plenty of locals were pissed off that they couldn’t see anything, one irate catholic priest rang church bells really loud in protest and it rained.
Buying children in Africa is the official new celebrity credibility enhancer as Leonardo diCaprio offered up the information that he’s now supporting a young girl he met in Africa and it was also more or less believable that maybe Rachel Ray really is just a really nice happy girl despite the rumours that her husband is a spitting hooker paying foot smeller.
But, obviously you knew about these stories – there’s no real need to repeat them again after the mainstream media thrust them into every orifice all week so here now are some of the stories you might not have heard but nonetheless actually occurred during this, the 47th week of 2006.
Too bad for anyone hoping to buy their spoilt brat kid a dog/cat hybrid from the imaginative girl in Brazil who told the world her cat gave birth to three cats and three dogs after saying it mated with the dog next door. Tests were released that showed there was no genetic link between the cat and the puppies she seemed so attached to. So much for that alien freak army of the night we were all hoping for.
And following up on another story that was reported last week, the drunken elk that was terrorizing delightful Swedish children in the village of Molndal is actually now no longer a threat. In its drunken stupor after eating a pile of fermented apples, it wandered onto the ice, fell through and drowned.
And speaking of travesties, the English continued their crusade to ruin the generally enjoyable elements of Christmas this year as staff at Tower Hamlets in East London were told that while they were clearly capable of running a small town, they weren’t to put up Christmas decorations because of the potential for accidents and Christmas lights were banned because of the office’s mission to save on energy.
On the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, in Oberlin Ohio, an artist got in trouble for creating a window scene that depicted the Third Reich made out of gingerbread cookies and Jack Spade in New York was forced to remove the “Do It Yourself Frog Dissection Kits – Complete with real live Frog in formaldehyde" for 40 dollars when animal rights activists complained.
Protests surrounding gifts continued, actually just up the road from Jack Spade in New York when a group if clever young men waited in line for the new Playstation 3 and then went outside the store and immediately smashed it to smithereens. They claimed the gesture wasn’t anti-Playstation.
In China, even the Chinese Government was alarmed at the release of a new product that claimed to remove freckles but in fact caused deep scarring and irreparable damage to anyone who used it and promptly banned all advertising associated with the product. Apparently tests on fish actually caused death but that didn’t seem tot stop the distributor.
In Uganda, a European artist whose work was comprised of convincing local peasants to legally change their names to his in return for much needed livestock was branded “Satanic” by Uganda’s always reliable Ethics and Integrity Minister and new health rules associated with the World Pie Eating Championships in the UK have traditionalists livid. Now, it’s not about how many you eat but how fast you eat one and you get to opt for a vegetarian option.
A man who made a living dressing up as a giant cigarette, using hip-hop music to encourage children around the United States to avoid smoking pleaded guilty to bigamy. Phillip Dale Williams, 37, had as many as four wives at the same time. Ironically, he was caught because he didn’t pay child support and now, his life’s vision to save children from lung cancer is being halted.
Not being halted at all is the sex lives of elderly couples from the Brazilian town of Novo Santo Antonio who were this week offered free Viagra to boost morale and to encourage sex between married couples exclusively rather than with extra marital affairs but in a scenario which is almost the exact opposite a Buddhist monk in Thailand this week got an erection during meditation and was so pissed off that he hacked off his own penis. When rushed to the hospital to be treated he refused to have it reattached.
And finally, an idiot jewel thief in New Delhi was caught this week when he stole around 70,000 dollars worth of diamonds from a jeweler store and then went and got drunk at the same bar three nights in a row. He used some of the money to repeatedly have the band play the same irritating song over and over again and by the third night patrons were so annoyed by him that the called the police who discovered the stolen diamonds on him.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Because when you're in marketing for a nauseatingly overpriced calf skin document case, a kit containing a dead amphibian surrounded by shiny little cutting implements that will teach kids (and adults) about science as well is clearly the next step when it comes to product development.
And now Blake Steidler is going to jail for 4 years and 10 months.
So, essentially, what we have here is a tale that really just gets worse and worse but it's slightly funny because it involves a penis enlargement.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Rupert Murdoch cancels the release of the OJ Simpson hypothetical confession novel and television interview because it offends people. Publisher Judith Regan explains that her interests in promoting the book and interview weren't actually motivated by unbridled greed and narcissism. She just wanted closure.
Michael Richards goes on Letterman with Jerry Seinfeld to apologise for his racist tyraid. The clap-happy audience laugh through the beginning of his apology (Richards speaks in a setting that has a humourless, oppressive, Communist gray background emphasising his time now being spent in purgatory). Seinfeld's publicists draw blood as they dig fingernails into palms hoping this brush with America's great shame doesn't deplete sales of any forthcoming Seinfeld DVD box sets.
Robert Altman is dead at 81.
Monday, November 20, 2006
von Hornsleth was not only successful in getting press for his exhibition which involved a series of photographs of Ugandan villagers holding up identity cards with his name on them (he persuaded them to change their names to his in return for livestock) he also managed to be accused of being Satanic. All I can say is Bravo.
But it's also important to note that he was deemed Satanic by a man it's safe to assume is an ever virtuous beacon of honesty, James Buturo. Buturo is Uganda's ethics and integrity minister.
It's also safe to assume that Uganda employs an ethics and integrity minister in much the same way Bill O'Reilly features a segment called the "No Spin Zone".
It's hard to really take this any further than it's already taken itself.